Harboring Bad Feelings

  • Thread starter Thread starter Drew518
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

Drew518

Guest
So if you’ve read some of my posts on here, you may or may not know that I am struggling to get past a breakup from a relationship in the Fall of 2012. It’s really difficult, not just because I really loved my girlfriend, but because I know why she did it. I totally know I had bad faults and had turned into a loser 😦 It’s 100% true and I accept it.

The problem, even though I know what happened was my fault, I am still harboring bad feelings toward her. I guess it’s just to make myself feel better. I mean I try and pray about it. But I just constantly think about stuff like wow I hope this dude dumps her just like she dumped me. Or, she’s trying out for flag squad at college; hope she get’s rejected. I don’t really say it to people. I just think about it.

Ive never really been like this before and I feel like a bratty high school kid. Im trying to remove the bad stuff from my heart and embrace what Jesus said; love your enemies and your neighbor. And this is that nagging little thing that just sticks around. Everyone, including my priest, says it’s in my past and I need to move on. But I just can’t seem to move on. I don’t feel at peace with anything about it. So how do I get past these things? How do I tell God and Jesus that have bad feelings so often for someone I pray for them to bless?
 
I wonder if you can accept that you don’t love her or you wouldn’t wish bad things to happen to this girl. Love doesn’t want harm to come to others. If you think about it you may even find you didn’t love her, just what she made you feel.

She has the right to make the choice whom she will love and whom she will trust to love her and with whom she trusts that life, long as it often is, will be shared with someone she knows will love and respect her and help support her and her family.

We often feel that someone we wish to date or have dated ought to love us and stay with us because we want them to, without really considering that the other person has every right to their own choice not to keep us in their life, but to look for someone more suited. No, they don’t have to. They have the right to find happiness in their own choice.

It hurts to be rejected, but you are letting the harm and hurt go on and on. You are doing the hurting to yourself by feeling angry and not letting go. You are, as they say, "letting her live rent-free in your mind’. You may have particular reasons for finding rejection difficult, but you won’t find health and happiness in allowing rejection to assail you again every day. Yes, she rejected you, past tense. I’m sorry that she did and that you are living with the regret that, as you admit, it was your own fault.

How much you are punishing yourself and punishing her in your mind is how much you are continuing to pointlessly poison yourself, picking at a wound and not letting it heal. While you do this you are not allowing your self esteem to heal, and blocking your possibilities of becoming more positive and loving and therefore of drawing love and happiness into your life.

I do hope and pray you will find a way to live from the present moment, which is the only place and moment we can actually live.

Best wishes and prayers.
 
You recognize there is a problem. Good. Keep praying. Remember, if you are not certain of what you should be asking God, you can continually make your prayers more basic. At a very basic level, it may be “Help me.” I have heard it suggested many times, and have found it to have been helpful myself, to pray for those for whom we harbor uncharitable thoughts and desires. Pray for her welfare. Feel free to ask God to guide your thoughts concerning her.

Confessing your sins to a priest is always good. 😉

There may be cognitive techniques that would help you, but I am not competent to discuss that beyond mentioning them as an option.

You mentioned a couple of things that indicate you may have knowledge of what is currently going on in her life. I do not know if this is actually the case. However, I caution you against seeking any information about anything concerning her life now. Possibly dangerous and unhealthy (said with compassion, not criticism).

It seems my own limited, relationship, experience is that of abysmal failure, and I hope I am giving you good advice. 🤷
 
Hi Drew,

I can see that you are still troubled by your feelings. I think that you should be gentle on yourself and ease up on yourself. It is good that you have spoken to your priest about your feelings.

I would just continue to pray.

I would also pray to St. Anthony of Padua for peace of mind. He is the patron saint for that, too. When my mind is troubled, I pray for his intercession.

Drew, if I were you I would also do things that are calming and relaxing, to make yourself feel better. I always liked getting to church early before Mass, when I could just sit there when it was quiet. I would like to go to Adoration for that reason, too–to sit quietly before the Lord.

I would also keep busy so that my mind is focused on other things, too. Are there any activities that you like to do after school?

If you still find it difficult to move on past these feelings after more time passes, then I would talk to your priest and see what he recommends regarding further help.
 
I was reading some advice on how to get over someone. I don’t know if it would help, but I’ll include it, here.

wikihow.com/Get-Over-Someone-You-Love

I’ll say a prayer for you, as well.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :angel1:
 
You need to let her go and move on. Take what happened as a stern lesson from God and act accordingly by not holding a grudge against her and opening yourself up to new relationships with others. Keep your mistakes in mind so you don’t repeat them.

One of the best ways to “get over ourselves” is to volunteer. It gets your mind off from you and lets you experience the joy of giving, and important element of love.
 
Temptations are like bullies: they throw a bunch of different stuff at you, and the one you “invite in” returns.

So, I have a problem with bad thoughts, and as soon as I notice what is happening, I pray for help! Patron saints of people with the problem, Saint Michael, the Blessed Virgin Mother, and Christ Himself!

When my problem concerns anger against another, I do the opposite of the bad thing I am doing and *pray for that person. *Just pray that God’s will be done in their life and that good things will happen to them.

Just keep doing this every time you notice yourself falling into this sin or resentment and revenge, and one day you will realize it’s not happening anymore! (Really :))

ETA: you should also go to confession for this–whether mortal or venial, the graces from confession help us to overcome all our bad habits.
 
God knows you have these bad feelings, by praying for her you are telling God you don’t want the bad feelings. So that is on the right track.

Because it is taking so long to get over and because you have an awareness of your feelings, faults, and what you want to change about yourself, counseling could help you to get to where you want to be.

People used to tell me to move on, forget him. I would always feel sort of helpless to do so and wonder why others think it is so simple when it is someone else they are saying this to. I don’t think telling someone they need to move on does any good, especially when they feel stuck and looking for a way out.

For me, I just found myself - years later - not thinking about him, not caring, not angry, not feeling much of anything except to now and then think of him and I hope he is happy. Although I say to myself I should not have been with him, I remember good times without having romantic feelings, or any other kind of feeling. I think this is natural. Moving on just happens when it happens. It happens when you are ready, but you can’t force it. It probably happens a little bit at a time, but it doesn’t feel like it is happening all that while.

You never really move on from someone you really loved. You just put that love in the past and revisit it now and then, almost as an audience member in the story of your life where you see it as a beautiful part of you. That is the way I look at it, anyway. “Gone, love is never gone. As we travel on, love’s what we remember.”

Besides counseling, I suggest lots of really good work outs and active sports. It sounds like you have pent up anger and vigorous exercise is going to give you a way to get the source of that out of your mind and deal with it in a constructive way.
 
I think it’s common to have uncharitable thoughts about someone who has caused you pain. Dismiss the thought right away, then say a prayer for her.
Also try to immerse yourself in getting out there and doing some corporal works. Find good work to do for someone in need, and go do it in all your spare time. You will heal in time and those bad feelings will be gone. Get busy friend! God Bless you and I’ll pray for you.
 
Just to respond here.

I think part of the reason it’s been difficult to let go is that I don’t exactly have a ton going on right now in my life. It’s not really by choice. I work very early in the morning and have to be to bed quite early. I get off work at noon and then have to go home and do some chores around my aunts house. Then I have to start making dinner. After that, I may have time for exercise before showering, and that’s it; time for bed. I work at a job where I’m pretty much on my own. I don’t get the chance to really meet people, as people are constantly coming and going where I work. My friends are all a bit of a ways away from me and very busy. So I usually end up just coming home and staying here. I was thinking I’d be able to have a little more interaction with people at school, but now I have to drop the class because my replacement for the next shift at work can’t get to work to replace me in time. So I can’t get out to the campus in time. 😦

The other part is, I think I just try to bury my feelings with anger so I don’t have to cry or mourn about it. Like I know most of this is my fault. My life was a train wreck. I failed out of college my first time through, lost a job I really liked, didn’t take care of myself, obsessed over stuff that wasn’t important, didn’t put God first, and had no direction. I was basically a Class A Loser. I guess it’s all hard to accept. I harbor the feelings to just bury the sadness that this was the life I lived.

I admit I don’t handle my emotions very well. I never have been taught how to deal with life’s hardships constructively. No one’s really helped me through the hardships; not even family. I’ve been pretty much on my own. And no, I don’t handle rejection well. When your family rejects you cause you aren’t a superstar that they can brag about, it’s easy to get bent out of shape. Especially when all you really want is to be loved.

So I guess you could say my problem with harboring bad feelings to my ex stems from the fact that not only do I not want to accept my failings, but I wish that they weren’t true at all.
 
Drew518 said:
Just to respond here.

I think part of the reason it’s been difficult to let go is that I don’t exactly have a ton going on right now in my life. It’s not really by choice. I work very early in the morning and have to be to bed quite early. I get off work at noon and then have to go home and do some chores around my aunts house. Then I have to start making dinner. After that, I may have time for exercise before showering, and that’s it; time for bed. I work at a job where I’m pretty much on my own. I don’t get the chance to really meet people, as people are constantly coming and going where I work. My friends are all a bit of a ways away from me and very busy. So I usually end up just coming home and staying here. I was thinking I’d be able to have a little more interaction with people at school, but now I have to drop the class because my replacement for the next shift at work can’t get to work to replace me in time. So I can’t get out to the campus in time. 😦

The other part is, I think I just try to bury my feelings with anger so I don’t have to cry or mourn about it. Like I know most of this is my fault. My life was a train wreck. I failed out of college my first time through, lost a job I really liked, didn’t take care of myself, obsessed over stuff that wasn’t important, didn’t put God first, and had no direction. I was basically a Class A Loser. I guess it’s all hard to accept. I harbor the feelings to just bury the sadness that this was the life I lived.

I admit I don’t handle my emotions very well. I never have been taught how to deal with life’s hardships constructively. No one’s really helped me through the hardships; not even family. I’ve been pretty much on my own. And no, I don’t handle rejection well. When your family rejects you cause you aren’t a superstar that they can brag about, it’s easy to get bent out of shape. Especially when all you really want is to be loved.

So I guess you could say my problem with harboring bad feelings to my ex stems from the fact that not only do I not want to accept my failings, but I wish that they weren’t true at all.
Click to expand...
Just last week, I broke up with my bf (I have two threads about it). I know how you feel. I went through different stages of emotion, denial, confusion, anger, and now I am at acceptance within just one week. I am 85% content with the break up now, and where I stand (still miss him once in a while). Numerous of my platonic friends told me that when they break up with their gfs they don’t feel the stages until after 3-4 months and this can extent to a year due to emotional delay for males. I think you are just going through the stages, anger.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top