Hard time saying no - lead to stupid behavior

[Kathrin]

(Edited this, shortening it)

If my scrupulosity and hard time saying no leads me to get really upset and finally test the other person, starting a sentence like “Ok, if it absolutely has to be, but…” not really meaning it, just hoping the other person would understand it would be too much stress for me - and then I can’t finish the sentence and the other person for a moment believes I said yes - would you then say it’s lying/breaking a promise if I later explain that it would really be too much stress and that I had just said it because I felt pressured (by my conscience)?

In my example, the other person later said it was ok and I should forget about it and had to learn to say no… But I still feel a bit guilty. Becuase maybe for a short moment I made somebody believe a “yes” without wanting to, and then disappointed somebody.

Kathrin

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

I have the same problem as you do. My inability to say no has committed me to too many things.

However, if I tell someone I am going to do it, I know I need to do it. They are counting on me to follow through, and I don’t want to leave a bad impression. However, my husband is working with me to learn how to say no so I don’t get stretched too thin.

Basically, if you tell someone you are going to do something, you need to always follow through. They are counting on you at that point. It’s far worse to tell someone you are going to do it, then back down later, than to just say no up front. Just leep telling yourself that when people are bombarding you with favours that need done.

 

[Orchanian]

I think your friend gave good advice, learn to say no. Here are some ways to say no:

• I wish I could but I am so busy
• I would if I felt I could do it well, but I just don’t have the gifts needed.
• I am so stressed right now, I just don’t think I can add anything to my plate.
• I am feeling the need to spend more time with my family/at school/etc.
• If I did that, I know I wouldn’t be able to follow through. I’m sorry I have to say no.
• Have you thought about asking so-and-so? I just can’t do it.
• That’s just not something I feel a passion for. There are other things I want to spend my time on.
• I only have about 2 hours available. What can I do for you in that time frame?

When you dance around your answer, people don’t always get what you’re trying to say. Then you end up looking bad. It’s better to learn to be direct. I am never offended when someone says no. I understand. I actually learned this from a friend who said no to me. I remember being amazed that she felt so comfortable saying no. I envied that. I wasn’t hurt. And that made me more willing to be direct.

Think about why you are indirect. What is your fear? Work to get past that. I will be very freeing!

 

[1ke]

(Edited this, shortening it)

If my scrupulosity and hard time saying no leads me to get really upset and finally test the other person, starting a sentence like “Ok, if it absolutely has to be, but…” not really meaning it, just hoping the other person would understand it would be too much stress for me - and then I can’t finish the sentence and the other person for a moment believes I said yes - would you then say it’s lying/breaking a promise if I later explain that it would really be too much stress and that I had just said it because I felt pressured (by my conscience)?

In my example, the other person later said it was ok and I should forget about it and had to learn to say no… But I still feel a bit guilty. Becuase maybe for a short moment I made somebody believe a “yes” without wanting to, and then disappointed somebody.

Kathrin

No Kathrin, you did not create an obligation and you would not be breaking a promise to later decline.

 

[Kathrin]

This was just about a small thing.
My friend half-jokingly said I should cook something for him at my place. It was already late and anyway I don’t feel so comfortable having him over too much because I want to stay “just friends”.
Suddenly I wasn’t sure if maybe I HAD TO say yes in order to be a good Christian.
Half desperate I finally picked up the item and said, “well then if it absolutely HAS TO be then…” I said it thinking he’d pick up on how stressed it makes me, but at that moment for a second or so he believed me and already started saying, “ok then we’ll also need…” He didn’t let me get to the part fast enough when I was going to say “But it would really stress me”, I wanted to add this fast when I saw that he thought I was serious…

We later talked about it and I explained it to him that I had from the beginning meant “no”. I added again, seriously, if it was absoultely necessary (like he would be so so so very sad if I didn’t cooked those things for him) then of course, since I had said it, then I’d do it… meaning it now, even htough I was hoping he wouldn’t say yes. My kitchen is hardly used for cooking, I would have to moved things from the stove, it would get late, I would feel stressed and uncomfortable…

He said it was ok. He said not to worry about it. And no I didn’t have to have him over because I had said that. He only would have thought it would have been fun.

So I went home, and he went home.
Which is better this way, I feel.
But I still feel guilty because I said that. Would you say that was a broken promise now? Do I have to invite him now another time, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable?
Do you think I committed a sin?

p.s. Just read your reply, Ike. I know you know I tend to be very very scrupulous. Of course this doesn’t mean I am excused from any kind of obligation… Maybe this one could be seen as “not thought through”, or “in affect”… Anyway, if my friend says it’s ok, I should accept it…

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Oh, no. In this case you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not like you promised to do a task for someone and then backed out leaving them hung out to dry. You just changed your mind. It’s no big deal.

 

[1ke]

= Would you say that was a broken promise now? Do I have to invite him now another time, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable?
Do you think I committed a sin?

No, no, and most definitely not. No broken promise, no obligation, and definitely no sin.