Hard to be happy about my upcoming wedding :(

[Mapper71]

I have a very unique situation. My fiance and I have been engaged for 2 1/2 years. He lives in Washington and I live in Wisconsin and we’ve been like this for 3 years. I would have moved out to WA shortly after we got engaged if not for my Mom. She is 75 years old and I am 36 years old. My Dad died when I was 14 and my sister at that time was already married and living out of state. So for the past 20 years it’s just been me and my Mom and she has come to depend on me for a lot. I live about 10 minutes from her now and talk with her every day and see her every Sunday. She is very capable of doing things herself but is afraid to try new things or go drive any further than about 3 miles from her house. Once we get married (next summer) I will be moving out to Washington. My Mom is upset that I will be leaving and when I told her last year that I’d be moving out there she said some cruel things to me like “I should have had more kids so some would stick around” “I’ll be too busy crying when you leave to do anything” and the one that really got me “Is it too late for you to find someone around here?” and this was after we had been engaged for a year! I am not excited about my wedding because of this. She will be upset about me leaving and to this day has yet to say the words “Molly and Adam are getting married” or the words “Molly is moving to Washington”. She goes on like if we don’t talk about it it won’t happen. She doesn’t ask about my fiance unless I bring up the topic and I can’t talk about the whole marriage/moving thing with her because she gets upset and changes the subject 30 seconds into the conversation. I do feel extreme guilt leaving her but I am 36 and need to get on with my life. I feel silly that I have to be her date to weddings and we go to church together every Sunday and I see all these couples who are younger than me together and with their children and I feel like such a loser that once again I’m doing everything with my Mom rather than a husband. I have never known anyone’s mother to be so against their children going off into the world and living their life. Everyone makes fun of me because they can’t believe I still try to please my mother in everything I do and not one person would stay with their mother rather than move to be with their fiance. But then again, I don’t know anyone who has just one parent left and nobody else nearby. Nor do I know anyone who has a parent who is so afraid to do things. I feel very unhappy and I don’t know how to resolve the situation so that I can be happy about it.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Don’t let your mother ruin your opportunity for happiness with your DF. It is understandable to talk about missing your children when they move away, but it is not excusable to put your own happiness over that of your child. Your mother was able to get married and have children…you deserve that too.

Don’t let your mother guilt you into staying. She is being controlling. She may have issues, but is more than capable of caring for herself. I don’t think your current situation is healthy for either of you and would encourage you to set some boundaries starting now. When she starts saying those hurtful things say something like “Mom, that is hurtful and uncalled for.” and then leave.

You are a grown woman and so is your mother. She should be respectful of your decision to get married and if she is not, then at the very least you need to respect your own decision by not letting her negativity take control of the situation.

My mother is also very controlling and tried to ruin many wedding preparations through her childish and immature behavior. I think the problem is that when you have a controlling mother you grow up trying to stay on her good side and you let that influence your happiness.

You don’t need your mother’s blessing to be happy. You don’t need her approval to look forward to your wedding. Distance yourself when the negativity comes up and focus on the positive things to come…starting with your wedding!

 

[whatevergirl]

I have a very unique situation. My fiance and I have been engaged for 2 1/2 years. He lives in Washington and I live in Wisconsin and we’ve been like this for 3 years. I would have moved out to WA shortly after we got engaged if not for my Mom. She is 75 years old and I am 36 years old. My Dad died when I was 14 and my sister at that time was already married and living out of state. So for the past 20 years it’s just been me and my Mom and she has come to depend on me for a lot. I live about 10 minutes from her now and talk with her every day and see her every Sunday. She is very capable of doing things herself but is afraid to try new things or go drive any further than about 3 miles from her house. Once we get married (next summer) I will be moving out to Washington. My Mom is upset that I will be leaving and when I told her last year that I’d be moving out there she said some cruel things to me like “I should have had more kids so some would stick around” “I’ll be too busy crying when you leave to do anything” and the one that really got me “Is it too late for you to find someone around here?” and this was after we had been engaged for a year! I am not excited about my wedding because of this. She will be upset about me leaving and to this day has yet to say the words “Molly and Adam are getting married” or the words “Molly is moving to Washington”. She goes on like if we don’t talk about it it won’t happen. She doesn’t ask about my fiance unless I bring up the topic and I can’t talk about the whole marriage/moving thing with her because she gets upset and changes the subject 30 seconds into the conversation. I do feel extreme guilt leaving her but I am 36 and need to get on with my life. I feel silly that I have to be her date to weddings and we go to church together every Sunday and I see all these couples who are younger than me together and with their children and I feel like such a loser that once again I’m doing everything with my Mom rather than a husband. I have never known anyone’s mother to be so against their children going off into the world and living their life. Everyone makes fun of me because they can’t believe I still try to please my mother in everything I do and not one person would stay with their mother rather than move to be with their fiance. But then again, I don’t know anyone who has just one parent left and nobody else nearby. Nor do I know anyone who has a parent who is so afraid to do things. I feel very unhappy and I don’t know how to resolve the situation so that I can be happy about it.

My parents passed when I was young (by age 10) and my husband has only his mom left for the past 12 or so years–and she lives in PA. We moved to be closer to her, but he is one of nine kids, so there is always someone in the family to take care of her. I think my husband felt guilty that we moved back to FL, but his mom wanted him to pursue what made him happy. Her words…‘you need to live your own life for you and Sharon (me) not for me…I’ve lived a long life…’ (following with a chuckle) The difference here between her and your mom, is your mom is fearful of being alone, without you. You have been there for her, so her harsh words are really just thrown at you out of fear. Would she be open to moving out there with you both? I know that might be a lot for newlyweds, but maybe that would help her see that you’re not abandoning her. But, if she is unwilling, I agree with the above poster…don’t allow your mom’s fears of being alone, thwart your wedding plans. You sound like a great and devoted daughter, but you are going to be married soon, and your mom can either be happy for you or not. If she chooses to not be, don’t let that make you unhappy. Just wanted to give you some insight into perhaps why your mom is saying harsh things to you, and trying to make you feel guilty.

I wish you good luck with your marriage…and please keep us posted.

 

[Trishie]

Kevinsgirl, you are absolutely right. I was trying to think how I could say what you have, but you’ve done it perfectly for me!

I do understand the dilemma and difficulty you have, Mapper, but she is right, and you do need to be your own person. Your mother is selling herself and her life short by living it through you. God has given her the gift of her life to live creatively, just as He has given you a precious, unique life.

I’m not speaking as a young girl but a mother of grown children. I’m a long way, over a thousand miles from sons…but I go visit them occasionally. Your mother can do that. For a few years, one was further than that, 10,000 miles away.

Do not let your mother ruin your happiness and your marriage.

I pray and hope your heart begins to lift and your wedding will be truly happy…and ask yourself, dear good person would you wish to ruin your own daughter’s life and happiness when that time comes? What would you say to your daughter if she had the same dilemma? Be kind to your Mum, but you also need some detachment. Your mother is responsible for her own happiness…and 75 isn’t all that old unless a person wants it to be.

The following text is God’s word on the matter.

“**Have you not read that from the beginning, the creator made them male and female and this is why a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and the two become one body? They are no longer two, therefore, but one body. So, then, what God has united, man must not divide.” **[Matthew 19:4-6]

 

[KCT]

Please don’t let your mom and her decisions steal your peace and joy! She has plenty of time to make arrangements.

Maybe she should have had more kids, but that’s her issue to deal with and has nothing to do with you!

If you really do feel guilt, go talk to someone about it. Work it out now before you get married.

 

[Mapper71]

No, she wouldn’t move down the street much less across the country! She has 7 brothers and sisters as well, but they all live in the same area about 1 1/2 hours away from where she lives.

My sister got married 25 years ago and my Mom wasn’t happy about that wedding either. I think mostly because my Dad had been diagnosed with cancer just a couple of months before the wedding so my Mom was upset by that. But even prior to that when my sister announced that they were engaged my Mom had nothing good to say about that and changed the subject. Then it wasn’t so bad for my sister because my Mom still had me and my Dad, but for me it is so hard to break free of her because I care so much about what she thinks. I live to please her basically and not make her mad. She doesn’t talk about things that she’s upset about and just gives the silent treatment and waits for us to figure out what’s wrong or for her to get over whatever it was and go on like normal without talking about it. That is what I can’t stand is the silent treatment. Even living apart from her. When she’s upset at me I can’t eat, sleep, work, hang out with friends. I just want to make her happy. Even when my fiance proposed to me the first thing that went thru my mind wasn’t “Oh my gosh I’m so happy” it was “What is my Mom going to say? Will she be mad?”

 

[Trishie]

No, she wouldn’t move down the street much less across the country! She has 7 brothers and sisters as well, but they all live in the same area about 1 1/2 hours away from where she lives.

My sister got married 25 years ago and my Mom wasn’t happy about that wedding either. I think mostly because my Dad had been diagnosed with cancer just a couple of months before the wedding so my Mom was upset by that. But even prior to that when my sister announced that they were engaged my Mom had nothing good to say about that and changed the subject. Then it wasn’t so bad for my sister because my Mom still had me and my Dad, but for me it is so hard to break free of her because I care so much about what she thinks. I live to please her basically and not make her mad. She doesn’t talk about things that she’s upset about and just gives the silent treatment and waits for us to figure out what’s wrong or for her to get over whatever it was and go on like normal without talking about it. That is what I can’t stand is the silent treatment. Even living apart from her. When she’s upset at me I can’t eat, sleep, work, hang out with friends. I just want to make her happy. Even when my fiance proposed to me the first thing that went thru my mind wasn’t “Oh my gosh I’m so happy” it was “What is my Mom going to say? Will she be mad?”

 

[Trishie]

No, she wouldn’t move down the street much less across the country! She has 7 brothers and sisters as well, but they all live in the same area about 1 1/2 hours away from where she lives.

My sister got married 25 years ago and my Mom wasn’t happy about that wedding either. I think mostly because my Dad had been diagnosed with cancer just a couple of months before the wedding so my Mom was upset by that. But even prior to that when my sister announced that they were engaged my Mom had nothing good to say about that and changed the subject. Then it wasn’t so bad for my sister because my Mom still had me and my Dad, but for me it is so hard to break free of her because I care so much about what she thinks. I live to please her basically and not make her mad. **She doesn’t talk about things that she’s upset about and just gives the silent treatment and waits for us to figure out what’s wrong or for her to get over whatever it was and go on like normal without talking about it. That is what I can’t stand is the silent treatment. **Even living apart from her. When she’s upset at me I can’t eat, sleep, work, hang out with friends. I just want to make her happy. Even when my fiance proposed to me the first thing that went thru my mind wasn’t “Oh my gosh I’m so happy” it was “What is my Mom going to say? Will she be mad?****”/QUOTE]

The last few lines are alarming. I wonder if you should consider counselling. Can you see how out of balance those comments are, love? Your mother has psychologically messed with you too much.

You mother isn’t alone by the way, she has 7 siblings. An hour and a half isn’t far away.

 

[ElizabethPH]

When my Mom was in her 70’s and living in Fl she was near her sister. Her sister passed away and she was left alone there. The house next door to me came up for sale and my husband and I bought it. (just a small little house big enough for one) a perfect situation for my Mom. So Mom moved in. In has been such a blessing having my Mom close by. These years with her I would not trade for anything. My husband passed away, now there is just us. She won’t be here very much longer and whatever I can do for her to help her in any way I do not begrudge. Is she controlling probably, but I love her and it doesn’t matter that she is that way.
But that’s me…I guess if it’s not possible for your Mom to come with; I would make every effort to be sure she is well taken care of before I leave. For instance senior programs at the center…where she can make friends and participate in day trips perhaps going with a group she would not mind going out further. I know our center here offers this sort of thing. Gosh, I would find it very hard to leave her; and I feel for you. And pray that it will all turn out.

 

[Mapper71]

I know, I know how weird that is. My sister and I have talked about this and she remembers when my Mom would give her the silent treatment as well and she wanted to do the same thing-make her happy. We haven’t seen my sister in 13 years because she and her husband won’t come up to visit anymore. My mom complains that they don’t come up, yet when they were here, she’s always wanted to be somewhere where they weren’t. If they were in the living room, she was downstairs. If they were outside she’d be inside. She never liked her husband and it showed. Last time they brought their 2 cats with them and my Mom told them not to bring them up again when they left. She also said that she’d come down to visit them when they had children. They’ve never had any children so she’s never gone to visit them. My mom never calls my sister (probably afraid her husband will pick up) and only calls to tell her someone has died. My sister calls her on Mother’s Day and Christmas and then my Mom talks about such superficial stuff and gets off the phone after 10 minutes. It is a very strange situation that my Mom seems to hate everything about the men my sister and I chose but she can’t say enough good things about everyone else’s spouses. We can’t figure out her problem. It’s like she’s upset that we’re happy!

 

[whatevergirl]

I know, I know how weird that is. My sister and I have talked about this and she remembers when my Mom would give her the silent treatment as well and she wanted to do the same thing-make her happy. We haven’t seen my sister in 13 years because she and her husband won’t come up to visit anymore. My mom complains that they don’t come up, yet when they were here, she’s always wanted to be somewhere where they weren’t. If they were in the living room, she was downstairs. If they were outside she’d be inside. She never liked her husband and it showed. Last time they brought their 2 cats with them and my Mom told them not to bring them up again when they left. She also said that she’d come down to visit them when they had children. They’ve never had any children so she’s never gone to visit them. My mom never calls my sister (probably afraid her husband will pick up) and only calls to tell her someone has died. My sister calls her on Mother’s Day and Christmas and then my Mom talks about such superficial stuff and gets off the phone after 10 minutes. It is a very strange situation that my Mom seems to hate everything about the men my sister and I chose but she can’t say enough good things about everyone else’s spouses. We can’t figure out her problem. It’s like she’s upset that we’re happy!

I think it’s all about fear. Bitterness and resentment towards other’s happiness, is usually a disguise for fear. Fear of being alone…fear that she is losing her kids…fear of the unknown…so, her fear controls her, unfortunately. I think we have all allowed fear of something to get the best of us at some point. Not that it makes her words any less harsh, but I don’t see your mom as not being happy for you, but she is ‘afraid’ to be happy for you, because she fears losing you…and everything else I name above. Fear is a powerful thing.

I pray that she works on it, and gets over it–it is a terrible way to live one’s life. I have lived a good number of years fearing loss, because of my parents’ deaths. Through the grace of God, I recovered from it, and can live a life free from that burden.

But like the others here say, you must be your own person, and live your life for you…not your mom. Does your mom have a strong relationship with God?

 

[Trishie]

Dear Mapper, I can only hope and pray that we will hear good news of you happiness soon. I ask God to give your discernment, and for the courage to act upon it. I will keep you in my prayers and daily Masses. May God bless your mother and heal her.

Warm regards, Trishie

 

[whatevergirl]

Dear Mapper, I can only hope and pray that we will hear good news of you happiness soon. I ask God to give your discernment, and for the courage to act upon it. I will keep you in my prayers and daily Masses. May God bless your mother and heal her.

Warm regards, Trishie

ditto!

 

[KCT]

Please deal with this now. Get help dealing w/ your ‘live to please your mother’ issues. It ain’t healthy.

 

[monicatholic]

I live to please her basically and not make her mad.

Mapper, our vocation is to live to please God. The Catechism of the Catholic Church tells adult children that we should make sure our aged parents are provided for but that we are not required to obey them. We should seek their counsel out of respect for them, but we are NOT required to obey them.

Mapper, you’re moving away next summer. I wonder if you shouldn’t move out now?

You’ll want to begin your marriage ready to cleave to your husband. If you are a gaping emotional wound when you leave, your marriage will be so negatively affected. I think you need transition time. Moving out now will get that transition started.

MY advice, Mapper, would be different if your mother was incapacitated. But she’s not.

Also, despite your sister’s negative interaction with your difficult mother, it’s time for sis to stop relying on you to carry mom’s baggage. Your sister is going to need to step up. She’s a grown woman, too. She should visit mom withiout husband once or twice a year.

I’m sorry to say, Mapper, your mother has built all this trouble herself. Her problems are home-made.

 

[ohioszo]

I have been living with my parents for 27 years. Noone laughs at me. I’ve gotten them through a few things. I don’t know if they would be alive today, if I hadn’t been here for them. 75 is the age where medical emergencies begin to happen for otherwise healthy adults. The first question is, who has been doing the cooking, or, what is the diet for your mother. Second, who has been driving. Third, is your mother savy about technology. Fourth, does she have a social network in place. Fifth, housekeeping, who has done it. Sixth, how friendly are the neighbors, and can they be counted on. The question of whether your mother knows your future husband, seems to have been answered. Perhaps it was someone met online? If most of the questions above are answered in an obvious way that shows your mother is a dependant, then you must arrange with your sister to share her between your homes. The first 6-12months, with your sister, the second with yourself. If your mother can afford it, assisted living is a last resort, but, is is a lonesome enterprise that needs constant visits. Ask your Mother about it. Perhaps, if she is okay with it, assisted living in Washington State. They can still drive, if able. My parents are 89 and 91 and still active. Make sure that you talk to her doctor, and have important tests done, before moving her or yourself, preventing stroke. Addendum: I just read about the 7 bros. and sisters. You could talk to them about it. With my folks, my father has outlived his younger siblings, but I made an effort to visit all of these people, with them, at least once a year, and they also had their reunions, Christmas Dinners with their siblings. Elderly don’t travel well, without help, IOW.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…she said some cruel things to me like “I should have had more kids so some would stick around” …

This comment really jumped out at me.

I don’t know about your mom’s history on birth control, but it sounds like she has some control issues now. We can’t continue to “plan” everything about our families once our children are grown adults. The phrases "birth control" and “family planning” take on entirely new meanings when a 75 year old woman tries to control her adult family members.

Maybe she* should* have had more children–not because you’re a bad daughter for getting married and moving away–not simply because more children would provide her more company in her old age–but because perhaps more children would have helped her work through some of her control issues earlier. She may now need to face the consequences of the family planning choices she made decades ago. She has regrets.

Learn from your mother’s mistakes and don’t live with regrets in *your *old age about the family planning choices you make now. Your mom made choices for herself and her family; now it’s *your *turn to make choices for yourself and *your *family. Your family will be related to your mother’s family but they won’t be exactly the same. Each new marriage unites two families to start a new family. Enjoy planning for your wedding as your new family begins on your wedding day!

You are responsible for your own happiness, *not *the happiness of your mother. Be happy about your upcoming wedding.

 

[mizznicole]

Dear soul,

The natural way of things is that we leave our parents and cleave to our spouse, whether human or divine. (Remember King Lear?) I strongly suggest a good Catholic counselor to help you with strategies to firmly but lovingly disentangle from your mother, bless her heart.

I wish you every happiness.

 

[Mapper71]

My Mom is very capable of cooking and cleaning. She’s out in her yard every day picking up and doing things. She mows her own yard with a push mower and she has a heck of a yard! But when it coms to technology, she knows NOTHING about that. I have to even xerox things for her because she has no idea how to use one and is very stubborn and is not willing to learn about anything technical. Even the self checkouts she won’t do because she has no idea how to use them. She doesn’t have many friends either and the ones she does have have to call her to do things because she won’t call them. She’s basically up at 3AM, just because, and is in bed by 6PM so she really has no life outside of her home. The neighbors are friendly and would help her out. She’s wary about driving too other than to the grocery store, bank, pharmacy which are all within a 3 mile radius of her home. And I have to say that she would NEVER get on a plane alone and go visit either my sister or myself and she would never ask anyone to go with her. In fact, I’m almost positive someone would have to say to her “let’s go visit your daughter” and even then she’d hem and haw over it! I wish I had an outgoing mother who enjoyed going places and doing things because then I wouldn’t worry about her, but instead I have a mother who is afraid to drive 2 blocks further than she usually does because she doesn’t know the area!

 

[kage_ar]

Is there any way your sister and you and your mom can get some family counseling?

Your sister stopped visiting mom over PETS?

We are responsible to see that our parents are cared for when they are elderly. You and your sister would maybe find more peace of heart if you know your mom will be taken care of when you move across the country. Find someone who will help out, hire someone if you need to. Get a saftey net in place for your mom.