Hard to be happy about my upcoming wedding :(

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My sister stopped visiting because my Mom seemed to have no desire to be in the same room as her. My sister wasn’t going to use anymore vacation to come up and spend a week there only to feel uncomfortable and unwanted the whole time. She’s already told me that when they come up for my wedding that they will be getting a hotel room rather than stay with her. And I’m thinking “Great, now not only will my Mom be upset that I’m getting married and moving, she’s also going to be upset that my sister and her husband who she hasn’t seen in 14 years will be staying in a hotel rather than with her!” More stress for me. Oh and the last time they were up here, we had just finished dinner and my Mom went downstairs without saying a word (I thought she was going to bring up some dessert from the freezer down there). She hadn’t turned on the light at all. I go down about 5 minutes later wondering what she’s doing and she’s lying on the couch in the dark crying! She says “I wish your dad was still here” and then told me to go upstairs that she’d be up in a bit. Then she came up like nothing happened and didn’t say another word about it.
 
Your mom is using you like a substitute spouse that she treats badly. She is right - she should have had more kids, and she should treat the ones she has a lot better.
Don’t let her steal the joy from your upcoming wedding. You’ve been step-n-fetchin’ for too long as it is. You deserve some happiness now and a family of your own.
 
Mapper71 said:
My sister stopped visiting because my Mom seemed to have no desire to be in the same room as her. My sister wasn’t going to use anymore vacation to come up and spend a week there only to feel uncomfortable and unwanted the whole time. She’s already told me that when they come up for my wedding that they will be getting a hotel room rather than stay with her. And I’m thinking “Great, now not only will my Mom be upset that I’m getting married and moving, she’s also going to be upset that my sister and her husband who she hasn’t seen in 14 years will be staying in a hotel rather than with her!” More stress for me. Oh and the last time they were up here, we had just finished dinner and my Mom went downstairs without saying a word (I thought she was going to bring up some dessert from the freezer down there). She hadn’t turned on the light at all. I go down about 5 minutes later wondering what she’s doing and she’s lying on the couch in the dark crying! She says “I wish your dad was still here” and then told me to go upstairs that she’d be up in a bit. Then she came up like nothing happened and didn’t say another word about it.
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She is clearly hurting…sometimes, when people hurt others, they are hurting inside themselves. I pray that your wedding goes smoothly…I think your sensitivity to your mom will be helpful to her–I pray that things work out. She just might feel sad and lost without your dad for all these years…and when she sees you and your sister together with your husbands, it hurts her. This is clearly something that you can’t change–your dad not being there. But, it might help to better understand why she is hurting.

You’re in my prayers.
 
whatevergirl said:
She is clearly hurting…sometimes, when people hurt others, they are hurting inside themselves. I pray that your wedding goes smoothly…I think your sensitivity to your mom will be helpful to her–I pray that things work out. She just might feel sad and lost without your dad for all these years…and when she sees you and your sister together with your husbands, it hurts her. This is clearly something that you can’t change–your dad not being there. But, it might help to better understand why she is hurting.

You’re in my prayers.
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Mom appears to be “hurting” because Mom has unrealistic expectations about what life owes her. Granted, being a widow with a 14-year-old daughter wasn’t easy, but Mom needs to grow up and deal with today’s reality so that Mapper will not be choked to death by Mom’s failure to mature.

Mapper needs to learn that disengaging from the pattern of manipulation won’t kill anybody and will give her great freedom and satisfaction. Wanna bet that when Mapper leaves, Mom starts getting up at 7:00 a.m. instead of 3:00 and begins to rebuild some of those friendships she has let slide?.

I second all the advice above about counseling
 
Mapper71 said:
I know, I know how weird that is. My sister and I have talked about this and she remembers when my Mom would give her the silent treatment as well and she wanted to do the same thing-make her happy. We haven’t seen my sister in 13 years because she and her husband won’t come up to visit anymore. My mom complains that they don’t come up, yet when they were here, she’s always wanted to be somewhere where they weren’t. If they were in the living room, she was downstairs. If they were outside she’d be inside. She never liked her husband and it showed. Last time they brought their 2 cats with them and my Mom told them not to bring them up again when they left. She also said that she’d come down to visit them when they had children. They’ve never had any children so she’s never gone to visit them. My mom never calls my sister (probably afraid her husband will pick up) and only calls to tell her someone has died. My sister calls her on Mother’s Day and Christmas and then my Mom talks about such superficial stuff and gets off the phone after 10 minutes. It is a very strange situation that my Mom seems to hate everything about the men my sister and I chose but she can’t say enough good things about everyone else’s spouses. We can’t figure out her problem. It’s like she’s upset that we’re happy!
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Ask yourself, is a good mother normally “upset” when her children are happy? I think not. I speak as the mother of two young women, 23 and 27, both now married.

It’s time that you not only realize how controlling your mother is, but that you take measures to protect yourself and your opportunity for a normal married life. Frankly, it sounds as if moving to Washington is an excellent idea, given the circumstances. I agree with the poster who suggested a good counselor to rid yourself of these completely unnecessary and harmful feeling of guilt. This is a sick situation and it is up to you to change your view of things - you will NEVER change her. The ball is in your court now, dear.
 
I really am going to recommend counseling to you before you marry. This is important so that you don’t continue the same pattern in your marriage, of being very accommodating to the point that you lose track of your own needs. This is coming from someone who has been there, done that. I’m hoping that your fiance is not the type A personality type, and is someone who you can count on to be sensitive to your needs as well as his own.
 
dulcissima said:
I really am going to recommend counseling to you before you marry. This is important so that you don’t continue the same pattern in your marriage, of being very accommodating to the point that you lose track of your own needs. This is coming from someone who has been there, done that. I’m hoping that your fiance is not the type A personality type, and is someone who you can count on to be sensitive to your needs as well as his own.
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Indeed. In marriage you DO need to give yourself completely to your husband. You need a “self” to give. Someone who is walking around as if on eggs doesn’t have the strength it takes to be a REAL partner in marriage. Being a “good little girl” is NOT the ticket to being a GREAT wife!
 
mercygate said:
Indeed. In marriage you DO need to give yourself completely to your husband. You need a “self” to give. Someone who is walking around as if on eggs doesn’t have the strength it takes to be a REAL partner in marriage. Being a “good little girl” is NOT the ticket to being a GREAT wife!
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There is a lot of truth to this. Very good advice.
 
Mapper, please consier moving out now.

You can best figure out how to restore your personal identity (I suggest counseling, too) and what resources should be put in place for mom’s well-being if you are moved out.

An apartment down the street is not far enough. Choose someplace in the opposite direction of your work. Be close enough to be available in emergency, but far enough away that mom has to learn to recognise what is an emergency.

Several of the posters who have written about staying nearby their parents have not reported control issues and have been free to marry etc.
 
monicatholic said:
Mapper, please consier moving out now.

You can best figure out how to restore your personal identity (I suggest counseling, too) and what resources should be put in place for mom’s well-being if you are moved out.

An apartment down the street is not far enough. Choose someplace in the opposite direction of your work. Be close enough to be available in emergency, but far enough away that mom has to learn to recognise what is an emergency.

Several of the posters who have written about staying nearby their parents have not reported control issues and have been free to marry etc.
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Excellent counsel. I don’t even want to THINK about how you got this smart! 😉
 
monicatholic said:
I’m sorry to say, Mapper, your mother has built all this trouble herself. Her problems are home-made.
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Welllll - I’m not so sure of this. It sounds as if Molly has a pretty good hand in creating this mess as well. By constantly being available and always willing to be the “date”, and never saying no, a dependency has been caused that works both ways.

This is not to say that anyone is “at fault” here - things just happen the way they happen, and to dwell on the past is certainly not a productive thing to do. But knowing and understanding that she enabled this behavior to grow is very important in understanding how to move forward.

I think she needs to very gently start to pull away, to start getting her mother ready for the day she will be truly gone. It’s not going to be pretty or easy, but it has to happen, for the emotional health of everyone involved. Having this issue in the midst of a marriage will not be good for anyone.

~Liza
 
But knowing and understanding that she enabled this behavior to grow is very important in understanding how to move forward
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You are correct.

As I’d written on another post, my motto (which I’d forgotten when I was blaming Mapper’s mom) is:

**Let’s change. Me first. **
 
Your mom is just a little short of the time when she will want to move into an assisted living place. I know a lot of people who can live alone, even to through the age of 90, but, they have one or more of the kids who stop in regularly. Your mother should not be doing the outdoor work, or at least, very soon she will not be doing very much. Most work should be hired out, if you do not desire to do it. So the decision is between spending money for assisted living which can be $2300/month, to hiring people.

One a loved one falls, most children will probably want their parents in an assisted living retirement place.

I can offer a lot of examples from my experience.

Your Mother, as all elderly folk, needs an advocate every time she goes to the doctor.

The situation between your mother and your sister has a lot to do with you. Your living at home, for some reason, can make the other children have issues. Or they just are there. One wonders. Having an adult relationship with one’s parent/s is the best. I’ve always known that I should give back to them, and that the relationship with them has for a model, the Holy Family.

Your mother may have missed something that every married retired couple has, the travelling together, also, the wedding anniversaries!

My Mother has the attentions of groups of often younger women who play bridge.

80 is the magic age. And, I know that everyone here knows that! At 90, the Doctor has almost said to my folks that they have lived quite long enough!
 
You know what is really funny? I know an older lady, in her 80’s who moved to another State just to get away from her adult children that she felt like wouldn’t leave her alone to have a life.
No kidding!! She is perfectly happy now and says that its the best thing she has done since her husband died. She gets meals on wheels, goes places in a van that the Senior citizens in our County are involved in, she gets to go to special functions, go play bingo, go to the Grocery store and other department stores, post office and pretty much anyplace they need, Doctors appointments, go to Church, etc…She is really having fun and she is really just trying to have some fun the way she wants to without having to answer to anybody for the first time in her life.
She said her children call her all the time bugging her. They come and visit a couple of times a year and she’s always happy when they leave.
I’ll keep you and your Mom in my prayers.
Just make sure you set things up like this for her before you leave, try to start to get her involved in these kinds of things now.
Perhaps your Parish would have some ideas too.
 
ohioszo said:
Your mom is just a little short of the time when she will want to move into an assisted living place. I know a lot of people who can live alone, even to through the age of 90, but, they have one or more of the kids who stop in regularly. Your mother should not be doing the outdoor work, or at least, very soon she will not be doing very much. Most work should be hired out, if you do not desire to do it. So the decision is between spending money for assisted living which can be $2300/month, to hiring people.

One a loved one falls, most children will probably want their parents in an assisted living retirement place.

I can offer a lot of examples from my experience.

Your Mother, as all elderly folk, needs an advocate every time she goes to the doctor.

The situation between your mother and your sister has a lot to do with you. Your living at home, for some reason, can make the other children have issues. Or they just are there. One wonders. Having an adult relationship with one’s parent/s is the best. I’ve always known that I should give back to them, and that the relationship with them has for a model, the Holy Family.

Your mother may have missed something that every married retired couple has, the travelling together, also, the wedding anniversaries!

My Mother has the attentions of groups of often younger women who play bridge.

80 is the magic age. And, I know that everyone here knows that! At 90, the Doctor has almost said to my folks that they have lived quite long enough!
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In the Church that I belong to and the alter rosary society, there are many women who are in there 70’s and several in their 80’s.

Most of them go to daily Mass on their own, they all drive, infact one Lady who is 81 just came back from a cruise to Scotland and Ireland.

You make it sound like all peoloe who reach 70 ect are done and need to be taken care of. That is just not so, if they are healthy they can live very actice and productive lives. Oh and all these woman live in their own homes by themselves, I admire them.

There is not a thing wrong with her mother mowing her own yard if she is capable.
 
The Baby Boomers are 8 years away from 70. I’m not speaking about them. I think her Mom is late 70s. A short jump away from 80. The late 70s is when people die, or, they have major surgeries. The age of 80 brings changes, and one of them is where they live. If you made it to 80, you might be mowing your yard, but, you will assuredly being hiring people to do your work. This years are the years for cataract surgery and hearing aids, canes, back problems if you survive the stroke or heart distress. Ten years, a short time, and you have 90, and those are few at Sunday Mass, unless they have a son or daughter with them. We do things right here! My Dad at 91 is the oldest man in the Parish attending Mass.

I believe that there is a possiblity that this original poster is talking about abandoning her mother, and, I wouldn’t encourage it if I were any of you. It does seem that the original poster should be reminded that husband is joining a family. There needs to be a balance here of generations. I believe that her thoughts are dwelling on the negatives in order to find an excuse for abandoning Mom. How did the Lord treat His Mother?
 
ohioszo said:
The Baby Boomers are 8 years away from 70. I’m not speaking about them. I think her Mom is late 70s. A short jump away from 80. The late 70s is when people die, or, they have major surgeries. The age of 80 brings changes, and one of them is where they live. If you made it to 80, you might be mowing your yard, but, you will assuredly being hiring people to do your work. This years are the years for cataract surgery and hearing aids, canes, back problems if you survive the stroke or heart distress. Ten years, a short time, and you have 90, and those are few at Sunday Mass, unless they have a son or daughter with them. We do things right here! My Dad at 91 is the oldest man in the Parish attending Mass.

I believe that there is a possiblity that this original poster is talking about abandoning her mother, and, I wouldn’t encourage it if I were any of you. It does seem that the original poster should be reminded that husband is joining a family. There needs to be a balance here of generations. I believe that her thoughts are dwelling on the negatives in order to find an excuse for abandoning Mom. How did the Lord treat His Mother?
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Wow you make getting older just sound awfull
Where are you getting that the OP wants to abandon her mother and is just looking for an excuse?
I am reading the same posts you are and that is most definately not the impression I get!🤷
 
How did *His Mother *treat the Lord?

Though She was a widow, She let Him go.

Mapper has a responsibility to see that her mother is provided for–not to the extent of losing her identity nor forgoing a vocation to marriage (assuming the marriage will be sacramental). Mapper’s sister has a responsibility, too. Together, they should make this work so that Mapper might have a life and family of her own.
 
monicatholic said:
How did *His Mother *treat the Lord?

Though She was a widow, She let Him go.

Mapper has a responsibility to see that her mother is provided for–not to the extent of losing her identity nor forgoing a vocation to marriage (assuming the marriage will be sacramental). Mapper’s sister has a responsibility, too. Together, they should make this work so that Mapper might have a life and family of her own.
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Absolutely on the mark! 👍
 
HI there,

I feel your pain. So much so that I’m actually going to private message you, its too raw to write for the world to see, but I want you to know that I"ll PM you.

Vester
 
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