Hardened Heart

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PelagiathePenit

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From my posts, you can tell I lack faith. Some very bad experiences have left me jaded. I want to believe in God, but it all feels so pointless. I know you should have expectations from others. I used to be an idealistic. I guess I am growing up in beginning to become a realistic. I see people as pattern-oriented and predictable. Sure, we have free-will. I just know sooner or later I will sin. I have a very difficult time trusting people. I learned to be very independent. Honestly, I am scared of all the good things in life - love, friendship, family, etc. I just think betrayal, unfairness, pettiness, etc awaits. God commands us to forgive others, it is very hard, especially when you know someone did something DELIBERATELY. I am just sick of very selfish people in my life. I know I am sinner too. I am not perfect. No body is. Does God not understand how hard it is to be human? Or to be follower of Christ? Why not abandon his teachings and wait till death to repent? Why not live for myself or live like those outside the church and do however I please? Sorry, if judged. I know do not know the hearts of those outside the church. Knowing God seems like another responsibility. Why does God want me to follow him now? God is infinitely merciful yet he does not tolerate sin. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I know tomorrow I will sin, today, I will. It all seems impossible. I can avoid mortal sins. Venial sins, especially sins of thought, feelings, etc ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO CONQUER. I am not act on them, THEY ARE VERY ENTICING.
 
Pelagia, I’m not sure what posts you’re referring to, but my heart goes out to you. Maybe these scriptures will be helpful to you:

“For we have not a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” --Heb. 4:15-16

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor requite us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.” (Ps. 103:10-14)
 
I think God does understand how hard it is to be human, and that’s why He is so merciful. We insult him time and time again, and he forgives us when we are truly remorseful and humble ourselves by going to confession and doing penance. To abandon his teachings and wait 'til death to repent is playing Russian roulette - you may not get the chance. I’m a cradle Catholic, but I was away from the Church for years once I moved away from home, and I’d had some of the same thoughts as you. And I also was distrustful of people, avoided making friends, and even held grudges against those who had hurt me. I tried to say in my mind, “I forgive them,” but I didn’t in my heart. That attitude toward others changed one day when I started reading a book, “The Four Last things: Death, Judgment, Hell, Heaven.” That led me to break down into tears forgiving them all and begging God to forgive them all and me, too (powerful book, and I had only gotten to page 65!) It was life-changing. But before all this happened, several unfortunate things happened in my life that I look back on as calls from God to come back. (back then, they just seemed like things that were “unfair” or that God didn’t love me, but now I see it differently). I finally listened and started attending Mass again, but even then, I sometimes thought life was easier when I was “on my own.” One thing for me that made a real difference was attending RCIA classes at the Church - I made a commitment to attend every class and it addressed a lot of the questions I had - I also learned stuff that I was never taught back when I was a kid going to CCD. But for me, it really all began with a desire to want to have faith, so I just prayed for that and years later, here I am. There’s an inner joy found when you undergo a conversion like that and God becomes the focus of your life - every thought, every deed centers around him, and it’s the greatest gift ever. And on top of it, the earthly fears become less significant…they don’t vanish, but they don’t hold the same weight. (you also eventually just start to feel sorry for those selfish people in your life) And as for earthly desires that may lead us to sin, they suddenly don’t have the same level of appeal they once did. Of course, we all still sin and need to repent - God wants us to strive for perfection, but realistically, but I don’t think we’re expected to achieve absolute perfection - that’s what Confession is for, which is also a great gift. (and if you go to Confession frequently, eventually you’ll tackle those repeat venial sins, then you’ll find a whole crop of other stuff to work on!) Anyway, I wish you the best and I hope you do discover a new faith in God because it can be life-changing, even for those who already have great lives…
 
Lord have mercy!

Christ have mercy!

Lord have mercy!

O Lord, Father bless,

amen
 
PelagiathePenit said:
From my posts, you can tell I lack faith. Some very bad experiences have left me jaded. I want to believe in God, but it all feels so pointless. I know you should have expectations from others. I used to be an idealistic. I guess I am growing up in beginning to become a realistic. I see people as pattern-oriented and predictable. Sure, we have free-will. I just know sooner or later I will sin. I have a very difficult time trusting people. I learned to be very independent. Honestly, I am scared of all the good things in life - love, friendship, family, etc. I just think betrayal, unfairness, pettiness, etc awaits. God commands us to forgive others, it is very hard, especially when you know someone did something DELIBERATELY. I am just sick of very selfish people in my life. I know I am sinner too. I am not perfect. No body is. Does God not understand how hard it is to be human? Or to be follower of Christ? Why not abandon his teachings and wait till death to repent? Why not live for myself or live like those outside the church and do however I please? Sorry, if judged. I know do not know the hearts of those outside the church. Knowing God seems like another responsibility. Why does God want me to follow him now? God is infinitely merciful yet he does not tolerate sin. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I know tomorrow I will sin, today, I will. It all seems impossible. I can avoid mortal sins. Venial sins, especially sins of thought, feelings, etc ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO CONQUER. I am not act on them, THEY ARE VERY ENTICING.
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Praying for your intentions.
 
Listen to Allie…great post. Trust in God. Ask Him to give you graces to strengthen your faith. He will do it. He loves all of his children with the tenderest love and treats them all with mercy, even if that mercy appears to us to be painful. Seriously, He wants us to be happy with Him in Heaven. This world is full of enticements from the devil put upon us because he, the devil, hates God and His master creation–man!!! IMHO
 
Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen.
 
Over the years I have discovered that in my life faith is a choice and it is dynamic. When I read your post it brought back lots of thoughts I had in my younger years and I can empathize to a degree with how you feel. I also went back and read the highlights of your other posts and I can honestly tell you that I believe that God is calling you to Him and wanting you to let Him comfort and support you. You clearly are a very bright person and I think someone who has had to deal with a lot many of us have never had to face, telling someone like you to turn it over to God may seem trivial but I believe it is the only way. As you build your faith I feel certain that everything in your life will change for the better, it has in mine. I will pray for you to have the wisdom of the Holy Spirit lead you to a perfect relationship with God and that your faith will sustain you as you lead your life. I sincerely pray that God will bless you.
 
Prayer of Complete Trust in God

O kind and merciful God, in Your Hands I place my hopes and fears, my likes and dislikes, my happiness and unhappiness, my joys and sorrows. I offer You the needs of my perishable body and the more important ones of my imperishable soul. I do not have to be afraid for my soul as long as I leave it in Your loving care.

Great are my failings and my wretchedness, but even greater is my hope in You. It is stronger than my weakness, greater than my difficulties, and mightier than death.

Though assailed by temptation, I will hope in You. Though I may falter because of weakness, I will continue to trust in You. Though I may not live up to my promises, I will confidently seek grace from You to renew and keep them. Though You may take away my earthly life, even then I will maintain my hope in You.

You are my Father and my God, the ground of my salvation. You are my gracious and loving Father, and I am Your beloved child. I cast myself in Your Arms and ask for Your blessing. I place all my trust in You and I know that I will not be confounded. Amen.
 
wild_thing said:
Prayer of Complete Trust in God

O kind and merciful God, in Your Hands I place my hopes and fears, my likes and dislikes, my happiness and unhappiness, my joys and sorrows. I offer You the needs of my perishable body and the more important ones of my imperishable soul. I do not have to be afraid for my soul as long as I leave it in Your loving care.

Great are my failings and my wretchedness, but even greater is my hope in You. It is stronger than my weakness, greater than my difficulties, and mightier than death.

Though assailed by temptation, I will hope in You. Though I may falter because of weakness, I will continue to trust in You. Though I may not live up to my promises, I will confidently seek grace from You to renew and keep them. Though You may take away my earthly life, even then I will maintain my hope in You.

You are my Father and my God, the ground of my salvation. You are my gracious and loving Father, and I am Your beloved child. I cast myself in Your Arms and ask for Your blessing. I place all my trust in You and I know that I will not be confounded. Amen.
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Joining in prayer for you, that your faith and trust will be strengthened.

Lord, hear our prayers.
 
Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ’s side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

:signofcross:

May this prayer begin to soften your heart.
 
wild_thing said:
Prayer of Complete Trust in God

O kind and merciful God, in Your Hands I place my hopes and fears, my likes and dislikes, my happiness and unhappiness, my joys and sorrows. I offer You the needs of my perishable body and the more important ones of my imperishable soul. I do not have to be afraid for my soul as long as I leave it in Your loving care.

Great are my failings and my wretchedness, but even greater is my hope in You. It is stronger than my weakness, greater than my difficulties, and mightier than death.

Though assailed by temptation, I will hope in You. Though I may falter because of weakness, I will continue to trust in You. Though I may not live up to my promises, I will confidently seek grace from You to renew and keep them. Though You may take away my earthly life, even then I will maintain my hope in You.

You are my Father and my God, the ground of my salvation. You are my gracious and loving Father, and I am Your beloved child. I cast myself in Your Arms and ask for Your blessing. I place all my trust in You and I know that I will not be confounded. Amen.
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Beautiful prayer, wild thing!
 
AllieT said:
I think God does understand how hard it is to be human, and that’s why He is so merciful. We insult him time and time again, and he forgives us when we are truly remorseful and humble ourselves by going to confession and doing penance. To abandon his teachings and wait 'til death to repent is playing Russian roulette - you may not get the chance. I’m a cradle Catholic, but I was away from the Church for years once I moved away from home, and I’d had some of the same thoughts as you. And I also was distrustful of people, avoided making friends, and even held grudges against those who had hurt me. I tried to say in my mind, “I forgive them,” but I didn’t in my heart. That attitude toward others changed one day when I started reading a book, “The Four Last things: Death, Judgment, Hell, Heaven.” That led me to break down into tears forgiving them all and begging God to forgive them all and me, too (powerful book, and I had only gotten to page 65!) It was life-changing. But before all this happened, several unfortunate things happened in my life that I look back on as calls from God to come back. (back then, they just seemed like things that were “unfair” or that God didn’t love me, but now I see it differently). I finally listened and started attending Mass again, but even then, I sometimes thought life was easier when I was “on my own.” One thing for me that made a real difference was attending RCIA classes at the Church - I made a commitment to attend every class and it addressed a lot of the questions I had - I also learned stuff that I was never taught back when I was a kid going to CCD. But for me, it really all began with a desire to want to have faith, so I just prayed for that and years later, here I am. There’s an inner joy found when you undergo a conversion like that and God becomes the focus of your life - every thought, every deed centers around him, and it’s the greatest gift ever. And on top of it, the earthly fears become less significant…they don’t vanish, but they don’t hold the same weight. (you also eventually just start to feel sorry for those selfish people in your life) And as for earthly desires that may lead us to sin, they suddenly don’t have the same level of appeal they once did. Of course, we all still sin and need to repent - God wants us to strive for perfection, but realistically, but I don’t think we’re expected to achieve absolute perfection - that’s what Confession is for, which is also a great gift. (and if you go to Confession frequently, eventually you’ll tackle those repeat venial sins, then you’ll find a whole crop of other stuff to work on!) Anyway, I wish you the best and I hope you do discover a new faith in God because it can be life-changing, even for those who already have great lives…
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Thank You So Much for your stories
 
wild_thing said:
Prayer of Complete Trust in God

O kind and merciful God, in Your Hands I place my hopes and fears, my likes and dislikes, my happiness and unhappiness, my joys and sorrows. I offer You the needs of my perishable body and the more important ones of my imperishable soul. I do not have to be afraid for my soul as long as I leave it in Your loving care.

Great are my failings and my wretchedness, but even greater is my hope in You. It is stronger than my weakness, greater than my difficulties, and mightier than death.

Though assailed by temptation, I will hope in You. Though I may falter because of weakness, I will continue to trust in You. Though I may not live up to my promises, I will confidently seek grace from You to renew and keep them. Though You may take away my earthly life, even then I will maintain my hope in You.

You are my Father and my God, the ground of my salvation. You are my gracious and loving Father, and I am Your beloved child. I cast myself in Your Arms and ask for Your blessing. I place all my trust in You and I know that I will not be confounded. Amen.
Click to expand...
:amen:
 
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