Harmonious relationship yeilds wonderful children?

[EmBee]

I have three younger siblings 12, 9 and 7 that are polite, smart, quiet (most of the time!) and a joy to be around. Their mom (my step-mom) is a SAHM – not easily riled up, has a soft tone and her normal state of being is calm. Her and my dad’s relationship is calm, even-toned & pleasant. They communicate well in front of the kids, and he gives her very loud “smooches” so often the kids think it’s normal for a husband to give affection to his wife (I say this because it’s something I did not know was normal when I grew up). My dad even claims that in the past 12+ years they’ve never had an argument. Anyway, a harmonious environment like this must be at least partly the reason why their children are so well behaved.

Well, FI and I have been arguing more than usual lately and last night I started thinking about my siblings and got all worked up. I’m afraid that we argue too much, and am fearful that when we get married and have children, they will be exposed to the tension that sometimes fills our relationship. We don’t argue all the time, but when we do it’s usually because I’m in maximum nit-picking mode and he’s in major deflection mode and eventually we both just explode. When we argue, the tension lasts a while because I’m not very good at moving on after an argument. The arguments are almost always my fault and about silly things that don’t really matter.

I’m trying to learn to be a good Catholic (converted: 3/22/08) and a good wife-to-be (wedding date: 5/15/09), but I feel overwhelmed. None of my close family is Catholic so I’m not sure who to look towards for advice. I need to learn to submit to the Lord and listen better to what He tells me to do, but in the meantime I’m just straight terrified that I’ll be married with a baby on the way before I make any significant progress towards making my relationship with FI more consistently harmonious. I don’t want my unborn child to walk around with me and my bad attitude for 9 months, nor do I want that child to grow up around this tension. I mean, last night I couldn’t stop thinking about what horrid little children I will have if I don’t change my ways! I’ve tried to get over myself and make a decision to change, but I’ve found that quite impossible to do on my own. I also worry that I like arguing with my FI and that’s why I don’t allow God to work in my heart. I have no idea how to turn that realization into something productive.

Thank goodness I have the rest of my life to “perfect” my relationship with FI, but who knows when the first kiddie will arrive and I need to get this straightened out before then. Any advice is appreciated!

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[kevinsgirl]

I think you bring up some good points. I was raised in a home where there was a lot of fighting. My mom and dad went through a period of fighting every weekend–all weekend. It was really hard being raised in that environment and I know it’s really hard on my brothers and sisters.

But I think it’s important to differentiate between a couple who occasionally has a fight and a couple who fights so much they don’t provide a stable environment for their kids. It sounds like you might fall into that first group–as do I. When I think back to all the fear and how sick I would feel from all the fighting, it wasn’t because my parents disagreed–it was the way they fought, the length of the fights, and the absolutely unforgivable things they did as a result. Having a fight isn’t going to permanently scar your kids, but having abusive fights will.

We are expecting our first baby and have a really good marriage–but I realize I have to work on myself constantly so I don’t become my mother. I know DH and I don’t have a marriage that doesn’t involve any conflict–but we love each other and we do try to show that we love and respect each other. As long as your children can see that you both do that, your children are going to be just fine!

 

[basilisk]

Choose not to nit-pick. Seriously… you know when you are doing it, so make the choice to stop. Then your husband (to be) won’t feel defensive and get to the point of exploding. Save expressing displeasure, and do it respectfully, for BIG things.

I recommend *The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands *and *The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage *by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Before someone else feels the need to say it, no she is not Catholic, but so what? We can learn from anyone’s wisdom, and she has a lot to offer.

 

[Mrschocolate42]

Oh my, what a wonderful Catholic you are!!! You are already half way there because you have recognized the problem and are seeking to please God and your future husband. You are also already concerned for the welfare of your future children. I have been married for 21 years and I constantly marvel at other people’s spiritual maturity.

I am a very strong willed woman and my husband is a very gentle man. Our relationship was imbalanced because of my strong personality. I realized this was very bad for my children, who are boys. They do not need a domineering woman and they need to view themselves as men as leaders and guides to the family.

Here is a very Catholic suggestion that has worked for me. Let me suggest that you compose a specific prayer that fits your needs. Ask Mary or a special patron saint to pray with you this specific prayer of committment. Because you know yourself best, don’t be afraid to ask Jesus to help you with very specific personality traits that you know you need to control or to develop. You will be blessed with great success but it may take a long time. I was praying and working on this for years. One night my husband and I were having a bad argument. He was angry at me for taking care of my brother’s child. I was angry at him for “being selfish”. He left the room after a terrible time. I went to get up to follow him and continue to gripe at him when something made me stop. I recalled that I had prayed to Jesus that I would try to get along with my husband and see his point of view and let him have his way. I was still very angry and didn’t want to agree with my husband but I decided to do it even though it was not my will. Something, I believe it was God, told me this was the right thing to do. I followed my husband and apologized. I told him I would not agree to take care of my neice again without his permission. He immediately turned and grabbed me to himself and said that he was upset “for me” as he didn’t want me to be taken advantage of. He said how much he loved me.

This was a turning point in my ability to ‘submit’ in an authentic way first to God and then to my husband. I often don’t have to try to submit and I am no longer resentful of the idea of submission. My husband offers his entire self to me and I honor him and God by this action. My husband would laugh at my use of the word submission, however, as I still have a very strong and independent nature!!!

 

[gmarie21]

Have you charted your nit-picking? I know that before my period I am SERIOUSLY easily annoyed. It took me a while to realize it, but now, well, I know how to handle the situation (those closest to me I just let them know that I am in my easily annoyed days and to not be offended if I just keep to myself). Also, learn the art of seeking forgiveness for even the little stupid things you do or say. If you can’t admit your faults and sincerely appologize, you should start learning and humbling yourself now to have a stronger marriage. Heck, when you have children you’ll make stupid little mistakes and will need to appolgize and seek their forgiveness (just like they will do for you). Better to have this form of humility down pat now than when it’s too late.

 

[BamaRider]

Harmonious relationship yeilds wonderful children? Is the question, can’t say 100% of the time but it does influence, ALOT.

It upsets a child to see his parents fuss, even a little. My advice is stop the nit picking. If you have a problem (and you will) resolve it a non confrontational manner.

Let you child know, when he is at home all is good. He will thrive in a stable, loving, and giving home, where he doesn’t have to worry about anything. He can just be a kid.

You don’t want a house where everyone is walking around on egg shells, fearing sumptin is gonna set somebody off. “Hey dad is it safe to come yet? NOooooooo your momma is about to go off on me again.”

Why you always lookin for a fuss sweetie?? LOL. I’m thinkin your fiance just needs to deal with you with some humor. So when you come around looking for a fight, I’d just tell ya, “Look it, I ain’t got time for a fuss today, we can do it tommorrow,” then I’d get out my headphones, turn on my Ipod, and tune ya out. I wouldn’t give ya the satisfaction of answering ya, cos that’s what you’re looking for, and thrive on. If ya want a fuss I’m not gonna contribute. Then I’d pronounce “you’re cut off, till ya stop fussing”, and see how ya like them apples.

Always works with Debbie LOL.

Tell him to call me.

 

[Nechasin]

Go read how Bama burned water and see how to handle things. I think Bama is great role model for marriages.

 

[gmarie21]

Go read how Bama burned water and see how to handle things. I think Bama is great role model for marriages.

Deb’s a great rolemodel too.

 

[Nechasin]

Deb’s a great rolemodel too.

Yes she is.

 

[EmBee]

But I think it’s important to differentiate between a couple who occasionally has a fight and a couple who fights so much they don’t provide a stable environment for their kids. It sounds like you might fall into that first group–as do I. When I think back to all the fear and how sick I would feel from all the fighting, it wasn’t because my parents disagreed–it was the way they fought, the length of the fights, and the absolutely unforgivable things they did as a result. Having a fight isn’t going to permanently scar your kids, but having abusive fights will.

We are expecting our first baby and have a really good marriage–but I realize I have to work on myself constantly so I don’t become my mother. I know DH and I don’t have a marriage that doesn’t involve any conflict–but we love each other and we do try to show that we love and respect each other. As long as your children can see that you both do that, your children are going to be just fine!

You’re right to distinguish between abusive fights and, well, regular fights. I do think my FI and I fall into the latter category, but it’s so overwhelming to see all the things I need to work on. I’m one of those “find the problem & fix it (now)” people, so tedious changes like these are really hard for me. My FI would love for me to be more affectionate to him - I’m not the biggest hand-holding enthusiast around, so I will definitely do that. I’m sure that showing my love for him will help alleviate a lot of the tension. Thanks!

Choose not to nit-pick. Seriously… you know when you are doing it, so make the choice to stop. Then your husband (to be) won’t feel defensive and get to the point of exploding. Save expressing displeasure, and do it respectfully, for BIG things.

I recommend *The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands *and *The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage *by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Before someone else feels the need to say it, no she is not Catholic, but so what? We can learn from anyone’s wisdom, and she has a lot to offer.

Is there a The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives? I can see it now page 1: chocolate, page 2: pasta, page 3: dark chocolate …

Anyway, thanks for the advice & book recommendations. I do enjoy a good read. I will work harder on making an active choice to stop nit-picking - even if I have to do it mid-sentence.

Oh my, what a wonderful Catholic you are!!! You are already half way there because you have recognized the problem and are seeking to please God and your future husband. You are also already concerned for the welfare of your future children. I have been married for 21 years and I constantly marvel at other people’s spiritual maturity.

I am a very strong willed woman and my husband is a very gentle man. Our relationship was imbalanced because of my strong personality. I realized this was very bad for my children, who are boys. They do not need a domineering woman and they need to view themselves as men as leaders and guides to the family.

Here is a very Catholic suggestion that has worked for me. Let me suggest that you compose a specific prayer that fits your needs. Ask Mary or a special patron saint to pray with you this specific prayer of committment. Because you know yourself best, don’t be afraid to ask Jesus to help you with very specific personality traits that you know you need to control or to develop. You will be blessed with great success but it may take a long time. I was praying and working on this for years. One night my husband and I were having a bad argument. He was angry at me for taking care of my brother’s child. I was angry at him for “being selfish”. He left the room after a terrible time. I went to get up to follow him and continue to gripe at him when something made me stop. I recalled that I had prayed to Jesus that I would try to get along with my husband and see his point of view and let him have his way. I was still very angry and didn’t want to agree with my husband but I decided to do it even though it was not my will. Something, I believe it was God, told me this was the right thing to do. I followed my husband and apologized. I told him I would not agree to take care of my neice again without his permission. He immediately turned and grabbed me to himself and said that he was upset “for me” as he didn’t want me to be taken advantage of. He said how much he loved me.

This was a turning point in my ability to ‘submit’ in an authentic way first to God and then to my husband. I often don’t have to try to submit and I am no longer resentful of the idea of submission. My husband offers his entire self to me and I honor him and God by this action. My husband would laugh at my use of the word submission, however, as I still have a very strong and independent nature!!!

What an amazing post & success story! Thank you so much for responding to my thread I am afraid that FI and I’s relationship will be imbalanced because of the power-struggle between the two of us. I pray that I will be able to see my actions while I do them instead of being wrapped up in them, and that I might have the temperance to submit accordingly. The terrible thing is, FI never holds a grudge - NEVER. I mean, I could kick him and run away and when I came back he’d give me a hug! I mostly just feel embarrassed for having been wrong. I worry that if I admit I’m wrong on one too many occasions, my credibility for being right will evaporate. A silly fear, I know, but I’ll definitely focus on being more aware of myself. Thanks again for sharing your story with me.

[cont]…

 

[EmBee]

[cont from above]…

Have you charted your nit-picking? I know that before my period I am SERIOUSLY easily annoyed. It took me a while to realize it, but now, well, I know how to handle the situation (those closest to me I just let them know that I am in my easily annoyed days and to not be offended if I just keep to myself). Also, learn the art of seeking forgiveness for even the little stupid things you do or say. If you can’t admit your faults and sincerely appologize, you should start learning and humbling yourself now to have a stronger marriage. Heck, when you have children you’ll make stupid little mistakes and will need to appolgize and seek their forgiveness (just like they will do for you). Better to have this form of humility down pat now than when it’s too late.

Oh yes, there is a definite increase in my nit-picky-ness when I’m nearing my period. It’s as if everything that bother me that I usually ignore is super uber annoying and I can’t be quiet about it. I do try to acknowledge my faults, but it is definitely hard for me to apologize. I suppose I should eat a large piece of humble pie (every morning for breakfast for the next X years…). Thanks for the advice, I’m working on it!

Why you always lookin for a fuss sweetie?? LOL. I’m thinkin your fiance just needs to deal with you with some humor. So when you come around looking for a fight, I’d just tell ya, “Look it, I ain’t got time for a fuss today, we can do it tommorrow,” then I’d get out my headphones, turn on my Ipod, and tune ya out. I wouldn’t give ya the satisfaction of answering ya, cos that’s what you’re looking for, and thrive on. If ya want a fuss I’m not gonna contribute. Then I’d pronounce “you’re cut off, till ya stop fussing”, and see how ya like them apples.

Always works with Debbie LOL.

Tell him to call me.

Haha, I don’t know why I’m “always lookin for a fuss”! I think I like the attention - I know it’s silly, but the best present my FI can give me is his full attention. I think I nit-pick because it’s one of the easiest ways to get him to focus on memememe Anywho - I’m working on it. I do think you’re exactly right, though, sometimes my FI does get sick of it and say “we’re done with this until you cut it out” and (eventually) I come around. You seem like a great guy Bama, and you have some awesome posts, but I’m not sure I’m ready to hand my FI over to you just yet!!

Whew, I hope I responded to everyone. Thanks for your replies! I think by sharing my concerns will help me be more accountable for my actions.

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[BamaRider]

Haha, I don’t know why I’m “always lookin for a fuss”!

Because you controversey is why LOL.

 

[Appleby]

My sister is ending her third marriage (she marries for political reasons – a kind of Date The Third World Club thing). She and her first husband, who was a Communist whose father was a Nazi, have two children. The parents fought for 18 years, hammer and tongs, dish-throwing and everything. The children are calm, peaceful, both married in stable relationship, each has two children and own their own homes, and their children in turn are as well behaved as you can expect under-fours to be.

I think it’s nature that makes kids ‘wonderful’ every bit as much as ‘nurture’ … some kids are just unflappable and would flourish wherever they were dropped; others by temperment would make Saint Rita run screaming into the night.

Just do the best you can, and always reassure your children that you’re working on it and it’s not about them. You’ll be fine.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Is there a The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives? I can see it now page 1: chocolate, page 2: pasta, page 3: dark chocolate …

Anyway, thanks for the advice & book recommendations. I do enjoy a good read. I will work harder on making an active choice to stop nit-picking - even if I have to do it mid-sentence.

[cont]…

Actually, if you do read it, you’ll see why there doesn’t NEED to be one for the proper care and feeding of wives. If we marry a good man, we as women hold a lot of power in the relationship and the direction it will take. If we do our part lovingly, the husband naturally follows suit. It’s a win-win:thumbsup:

As for the second quote… actually doing it in mid-sentence can be even better than holding your tongue completely. I am not saying do it on purpose though, lol. What I mean is that let’s say you nit-pick 50 times a day. And now, with conscious effort, you are down to only 5 or 10 times a day. Well, those 5 or 10 times still have a huge impact on hubby and he probably isn’t keeping count. To him you either ARE nit picking or you AREN’T. So those times you catch yourself mid-sentence (or even apologize immediately after) remind him that you are trying.

 

[Ruthie]

Do you nit-pick in response to the same things all the time?

If so, try this. By yourself, examine one of those “nits” at a time. Ask yourself if it is part of the man you love. Try to love it as a part of him, and make the choice to not let it bother you.

If you’re really fighting to get attention, then sit down with him and set up a “date night” once a week, where you sit down at dinner and pay attention only to each other.

If you fight because it’s fun, make sure it’s fun for him, too. If it is, then come up with a way of expressing love to each other while you fight.

After the fight is over, “kiss & make up” immediately and publicly. That will help your kids.

My DH and I are both strong-willed. We use the first method, and the last one, and are still “honeymooning” after 12 years.

Happy Thanksgiving!

To God be the glory,

Ruthie

 

[EmBee]

What I mean is that let’s say you nit-pick 50 times a day. And now, with conscious effort, you are down to only 5 or 10 times a day. Well, those 5 or 10 times still have a huge impact on hubby and he probably isn’t keeping count. To him you either ARE nit picking or you AREN’T. So those times you catch yourself mid-sentence (or even apologize immediately after) remind him that you are trying.

Wow, this is spot-on. Sometimes I do get frustrated because he doesn’t always notice that I am trying … of course, I think your numbers (50 to 5-10) are probably accurate somedays and that is exactly why he can’t see my effort. Thanks for pointing this out.

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[EmBee]

Do you nit-pick in response to the same things all the time?

If so, try this. By yourself, examine one of those “nits” at a time. Ask yourself if it is part of the man you love. Try to love it as a part of him, and make the choice to not let it bother you.

If you’re really fighting to get attention, then sit down with him and set up a “date night” once a week, where you sit down at dinner and pay attention only to each other.

If you fight because it’s fun, make sure it’s fun for him, too. If it is, then come up with a way of expressing love to each other while you fight.

After the fight is over, “kiss & make up” immediately and publicly. That will help your kids.

My DH and I are both strong-willed. We use the first method, and the last one, and are still “honeymooning” after 12 years.

Happy Thanksgiving!

To God be the glory,

Ruthie

Okay, you bring up some great points. I do nit-pick about the same things over and over again. I suppose that’s part of the frustration - I complain and he doesn’t respond. The “funny” thing is, once I let go of the nit-picks and stay positive, he does make a serious effort to avoid doing the things I nit-pick him about. It’s just so hard for me to make the initial step towards being positive, but when I do - everything else seems to fall into place … I guess I just need to grow up? Ugh

Re: Dinner Date - we definitely do this. FI is a full-time college student and a full-time Certified Flight Instructor while at the same time trying to get a job with an airline once he graduates (May 2009) … as you can see, there’s little “us” time leftover. I do feel like he puts me second sometimes, behind all those “sexy airplanes” he loves so much, and that’s really hard for me. He agrees that I’m #2 - but only after God who’s #1. I think I’ll ask him to tell me that every day from now on so I can be reminded that he doesn’t love the planes more than me. Maybe that will help my insecurity(ies).

Re: Fighting for fun - it is not fun for him. Never has been. That’s partly the allure for me. If I feel like I can’t get his attention, an easy way to rile him up (get his attention) is to pick a fight. Bad bad bad …

Re: Kiss & Make Up - I’m so bad at this, too. I’m much less affectionate than him to begin with, and if we’ve just fought I’m even less inclined to step out and offer affection. I’ll work on it!

Thanks so much for all your insight!

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[EmBee]

I think it’s nature that makes kids ‘wonderful’ every bit as much as ‘nurture’ … some kids are just unflappable and would flourish wherever they were dropped; others by temperment would make Saint Rita run screaming into the night.

Just do the best you can, and always reassure your children that you’re working on it and it’s not about them. You’ll be fine.

Thanks for providing another perspective. The nature v. nurture argument is always interesting to talk about.

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