Has anyone dealt with addictions in the marriage?

[BLB_Oregon]

Thank you so much my friend BLBOregonian. I did just this today when i was feeling so overwhelmed with all my children screaming and carrying on just upon awakening this a.m.early barely out of bed---- i turned to Our Lady, viewed her Sacred Heart poster, and asked a prayer, put on my miraculous medal, and promised Her, I’d pray the Rosary more diligently than ever before. Then i was calm, it this the spirit of God? i think so. i know so. it is a joy to know that we, as Catholics are not alone in this life, but that we have prayers, from others, from intecessors, etc. Unfortunately when i married long ago, i did not know the state of my husband; i fear he was not/is not a true believer. even this day i doubt he is, and his example to our children, this i wonder too. but obey our Lord and follow i must do, for all i can do anyway. i cannot hold to another’s responsibility before God, can i? But what i can do, i will do.

thank you BL:B oregonian for your thoughts for me today.

I do think of you, and pray for you.

Promise you will not use scotch alone anymore, ok? Alcohol is for use in moderation for celebration, not medication. And do not forget that there is a reason that we are called the Body of Christ. I have depended on Our Lady many times, but sometimes…you have to get some help from somebody with skin on, ok?

I have had this taped on a bathroom mirror for a long time:
“If the LORD were not my help,
I would long have been silent in the grave.
When I say, “My foot is slipping,”
Your love, LORD, holds me up.
When cares increase within me,
Your comfort gives me joy.” Psalm 94:17-19

It did me a great deal of good to see that when days were hard and I was alone.

Nevertheless, remember always that it is pride to not ask for help when you need it or to act as if you need less than what you in fact need. Make sure you get enough rest, make sure you have some time each week in the company of wise and holy women, make sure you have time for exercise and prayer…these are needs, not luxuries. There are poor women who may not have them. There are also poor women starving. Fasting is not starving. You are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and you ought to have care. I was told this by a confessor: this is a moral duty, ok? You cannot be the wife or mother God means you to be if you neglect yourself. Keep the main thing the main thing!

Also…tell your husband when you are having a hard time. Sometimes, just a hug does wonders. He may not be perfect, but you are not alone. He loves you and cares about you. Let him help you, too. If we are to be lonely, it is wrong that we be so by choice. We have to ask.

Speaking of…it is past my bedtime. I have to get some rest, myself.

 

[BertaSwede]

I do think of you, and pray for you.

Promise you will not use scotch alone anymore, ok? Alcohol is for use in moderation for celebration, not medication. And do not forget that there is a reason that we are called the Body of Christ. I have depended on Our Lady many times, but sometimes…you have to get some help from somebody with skin on, ok?

I have had this taped on a bathroom mirror for a long time:
“If the LORD were not my help,
I would long have been silent in the grave.
When I say, “My foot is slipping,”
Your love, LORD, holds me up.
When cares increase within me,
Your comfort gives me joy.” Psalm 94:17-19

It did me a great deal of good to see that when days were hard and I was alone.

Nevertheless, remember always that it is pride to not ask for help when you need it or to act as if you need less than what you in fact need. Make sure you get enough rest, make sure you have some time each week in the company of wise and holy women, make sure you have time for exercise and prayer…these are needs, not luxuries. There are poor women who may not have them. There are also poor women starving. Fasting is not starving. You are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and you ought to have care. I was told this by a confessor: this is a moral duty, ok? You cannot be the wife or mother God means you to be if you neglect yourself. Keep the main thing the main thing!

Also…tell your husband when you are having a hard time. Sometimes, just a hug does wonders. He may not be perfect, but you are not alone. He loves you and cares about you. Let him help you, too. If we are to be lonely, it is wrong that we be so by choice. We have to ask.

Speaking of…it is past my bedtime. I have to get some rest, myself.

Thank you for the Psalm you share with me. how beautiful! yes, i need to reach out to my husband more. sometime i think i can do it on my own, i know i cannot all the time. I think there is a very thin line between being long-suffering and knowing when and how to see to ourselves and take care of ourselves. As a Catholic, this can be a hard one for many. So many say “I, me, myself and I” is primarily what matters, i say not so. Many who feel this way, now have no family, for they have fled their families for the sake of themselves. i feel as a Catholic, there will be suffering in life, for Christ’s Cross, for our loved ones, and for doing the right thing many times. However, we do not want to be stupid about it at the same time.

i cannot promise no more Scotch as you want me to tell you BBOregon. i can and will only make promises to God. He knows the state ultimately of my innermost heart. But i will try to rely on him alot more, and to our Blessed Mother.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

i cannot promise no more Scotch as you want me to tell you BBOregon. i can and will only make promises to God. He knows the state ultimately of my innermost heart. But i will try to rely on him alot more, and to our Blessed Mother.

You are right…you do not need to promise me anything. But do consider taking this to prayer: should you ever use alcohol as a medication for loneliness? I think the answer is going to be a resounding “no”.

There is a reason that we Catholics do not speak of accepting Jesus as our “personal savior.” It is because we are saved as the Body of Christ. We are utterly in this together…for after all, did Jesus not pray in the Gospel of John that we be one as Jesus and the Father are one? That is the unity of the Trinity! When it comes to being separate persons who are utterly united in love, it doesn’t get any more total than that.

Depend on your brothers and your sisters. It is the path we have been given to reach union with God.

 

[BertaSwede]

You are right…you do not need to promise me anything. But do consider taking this to prayer: should you ever use alcohol as a medication for loneliness? I think the answer is going to be a resounding “no”.

There is a reason that we Catholics do not speak of accepting Jesus as our “personal savior.” It is because we are saved as the Body of Christ. We are utterly in this together…for after all, did Jesus not pray in the Gospel of John that we be one as Jesus and the Father are one? That is the unity of the Trinity! When it comes to being separate persons who are utterly united in love, it doesn’t get any more total than that.

Depend on your brothers and your sisters. It is the path we have been given to reach union with God.

thank you BB oregon for responding to me.

i do recall it says in the Word of God, John 14:6: Jesus said: “I am the Way, and the Truth and the Life, no one comes unto the Father except through me.” I do not remember anywhere it saying, “no one comes unto the Father, or no one is saved except through the body of Christ.” Or except through union with brothers and sisters, etc. May i ask you, where did you ever get this from? Perhaps we speak of the one and the same thing here. Perhaps not. Do you know this BBOregon? that there is only one way all the world is saved, and this is through Jesus Christ, God’s son? i hope you know.

 

[kage_ar]

For verses about the importance of our fellow Chirsitans, begin with Hebrews 10:

1. “And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds,25. not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

A few more are 1 Pet 4: 9-10, 1 Thes 5:11, Col 3:16, Heb 3:13, Gal 5: 13-15, 1 Cor 12:25, Gal 6:2… The New Testament is full of teaching about the importance of our brothers and sisters. The unity of the Body - and the OT, that great chapter in Ecclesiastics where it says “two are better than one, for if one falls the other will lift him up” " but a three fold cord is not quickly broken".

I, for one, and glad we can lean on and learn from each other! Praise be to God!

 

[estesbob]

Just wondering this question, as I fear I am addicted to Scotch, after suffering for years with a husband who has been addicted to porno and masterbation.

I am not addicted to wine, or all alcohol. When I feel good, am travelling, am visiting family, I am fine, but when I am alone, I drink. I can do without it, and do not have to drink every day, but most days, when my kids are in school, and I am home alone and faced with the drudgery of my life, this is the story. I have a happy marriage, I think, despite this problems. It is different in America, as there is so much sex and temptation at every turn, discouraging for a marriage and for a family, as we are of 9.

Any suggestions?

Thanks for sharing. I will clebrate 21 years of sobriety November 5th and up to the day i quit I too thought I " could do without it".

You have taken the hardest step-admitting you have a problem. The second step is to open the phone book ,call you regional AA office and find a meeting near you. I will be praying for you.

 

[estesbob]

Thank you very much for the reponses. I tend to agree with the first person who responded to me. In that she said most likely out of boredom do I drink more than I should, and i need to stay busy. Also because of a self-esteem issue i suppose to. I know I am not an alcoholic as i can take it or leave it, so staying forever away and attending AA meetings and such is not so much of a good idea. This i think AA is for people who have to drink daily. This is not me, just when we are not vacationing and life is so boring. We drink alot of wine together in our family, and this is very nice, i would not want to do without this forever, like alcoholics i suppose need to “stay on the wagon” they say. This, to me is a bit extreme.

i know i must work on issues of happiness and fulfillment. it is very hard with so many in the house. how i crave relaxation. When I am relaxed, i do not turn to scotch, only when i’m completely frazzled. Many of you might know the feeling if you also have large households. Anyway, yes, i will work on doing something constructive for myself these days. For the past 20 years i have been concentrating on everybody else, and might have lost my own self. i don’t feel i need counseling as much as a new hobby or something. thank you again. i will work on this, this week.

With all due respect I supect that all of us who’s lives were literally saved by AA are reading the above and shaking our heads-It is all SO familar-the same excuses we used, the same excuses we hear from those who are not quite ready to admit they have a problem. The term for what you are experiencing is “denial”

It may be that you need to suffer a little more before you finally bottom out(I know I did). We’ll be waiting patiently for you when you get ready to get well.

 

[Philothea_2.0]

If you are not ready to commit to AA then I recommend checking out rationalrecovery.org or wqd.netwarriors.org. Both sites can get you in touch with support that does not require a complete overhaul of your life or any weekly meetings.

(Though, frankly, if you are drinking out of boredom, AA will certainly give you a social outlet and something to do with your free time. And the bonus is that they’ll help you quit Scotch.)

I know AA has saved lives. But it’s obviously not for everyone. I know a couple of people who have had success with the above websites after rejecting AA. Your mileage may vary. But it’s at least another option if you don’t want to go the AA route, and it sounds like you don’t.

 

[geezerbob]

With all due respect I supect that all of us who’s lives were literally saved by AA are reading the above and shaking our heads-It is all SO familar-the same excuses we used, the same excuses we hear from those who are not quite ready to admit they have a problem. The term for what you are experiencing is “denial”

It may be that you need to suffer a little more before you finally bottom out(I know I did). We’ll be waiting patiently for you when you get ready to get well.

I have to agree with you. Thinking that hobbies are the answer is just looking for the easier, softer way, which we former drunks know doesn’t exist.

Another aspect to AA which hasn’t been mentioned is the focus and dependence on God and how the program does so much more than just help keep you dry; it restores your sobriety (sanity). I truthfully cannot think of a single aspect of my life that didn’t eventually make a complete U-turn as a result of AA. My opinion of myself changed, the way I treated others changed, and, most of all, my relationship with God was restored.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I will chime in as someone who is not an alcoholic: if you are turning to food, alcohol, hobbies, television, or even this forum as a substitute for sharing your struggles with people who actually know you and care about you, that is a problem. You can cite Scriptures all you like, but you won’t find evidence that being a disciple is a do-it-yourself project.

Even though I’m not an alcoholic, I still had to admit that my refusal to admit my struggles to other people and to accept the help I needed was becoming a major obstacle to my Christian life.

You are using the same excuses, suffering the same kind of loneliness, and beating yourself up over the same things that I was. Maybe you aren’t ready to hear that today. It took me a long time, I’ll be the first to admit it. But file this in your head somewhere: it doesn’t have to be like this. The fruits of the Holy Spirit include joy and peace. Those can be a pervasive and sustaining part of your life. The thing is, you have to swallow some pride to allow it. You have to let other people in, and take the risk that if you lean on them, they won’t always be there for you. That is the poverty we walk in, but it is paradoxically the only place we can find fullness.

We are all addicts, after all. We see it in children from the very beginning: NO! I CAN DO IT MYSELF! What were Adam and Eve wanting, after all, when they chose to partake of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil? They wanted to discern good and evil *for themselves. *They wanted independence. Well, when it really counts, we can do no such thing. The good news is that we were never meant to. That is not what a life of love is all about. I know that you think that your suffering comes from your choice not to be independent. You’re wrong. Independence is exactly what you’re choosing. It will never work. You are not made that way.

In the meantime, take it into your heart that you don’t have to agree with us to be in our prayers. May God be with you. On account of his love, you are not alone, and you never will be. You will never, ever be abandoned. Hang on to that, and hang in there.

 

[BertaSwede]

I have been a sober member of AA since May 4, 1992. you say you care about your children and being a good parent. If you are drinking out of boredom you are being a lousy parent.

Surely, you are a much better parent than me. Please tell me how do you do it? How old are your children and how many years have you been married?

thank you.

may God bless your household.

 

[Karin]

Goodness! what a reply to me! i am quite shocked at your insensitive response. OK, so by my few posts, you can determine that i must be one lousy parent, not knowing me, or my family even. i hope you are a much more good one than me. Maybe you are LKS. Yes, i admit i probably must be a very bad and lousy parent. this is why i, for one, need our Lord and Savior each and every day, why i need to attend Mass, why i will do anything for the love of my husband and my family. For i love them with all my heart. God has willed it we are still as one, our very big tribe of folks. For this i am very thankful, but perhaps i am a lousy parent as you say. i know i must try just now and every day to be better, and to not be a lousy parent as you say.

God Bless You a parent too. i hope you have much luck with your children. From where i find, it is a hard job. This is why we need God.

GOSH…what a charitable post there Bertaswede .
Are we in denial?!?!

Bertaswede:

From where i find, it is a hard job. This is why we need God.

Yes being a parent is hard no one ever said it would be easy…also I agree we need God in our lives he will helps you through your difficult times…not the bottle of Scotch or whatever else you drink.

 

[Philothea_2.0]

GOSH…what a charitable post there Bertaswede .
Are we in denial?!?!

Yes being a parent is hard no one ever said it would be easy…also I agree we need God in our lives he will helps you through your difficult times…not the bottle of Scotch or whatever else you drink.

You were not exactly charitable to her in the first place. You called her a lousy parent. You wonder why she’s defensive?

By the way, it’s pretty clear that English is not BertaSwede’s first language, so I suggest everyone drop the sarcasm, because it’s highly likely that she’s not going to get it. It’s hard enough to discern online sarcasm in one’s own native tongue, let alone another language.

For anyone whose past alcoholism is causing an intense emotional reaction to this thread – may I suggest that it might be better for you if you don’t participate or at least think long and hard before doing so? I understand why you are angry (remembering how blind you were, wanting to save this person from the same, and feeling like you’re banging your head against a wall is frustrating, I’m sure), but it’s not helping her to have random people on a message board calling her a lousy parent and insisting she’s in denial. Online interventions never work. Just give her the information, let her do with it what she will, and pray for her. Prayer is always effective.

BertaSwede, I will pray for you. You can stop if you want to. But you probably can’t do it alone. Several resources have been listed here for you – please look into them if you are serious about quitting.

 

[BertaSwede]

Hello Philothea. what a nice post you say to me. thanks alot. as i recall, the Bible does say: “you will know them by their fruits”. this is clear as springtime. i say your fruit is quite kind, that God gives you. i pray mine are too in this life.

may God bless your household.

By the way, yes, i am trying to cut back on the Scoth and trust God more and His Mother, all our Lady. So far, it has worked, i am peaceful and calm lately, and our big family all very content and happy. thanks for your thoughts, which i appreciate so much.

 

[Karin]

You were not exactly charitable to her in the first place. You called her a lousy parent. You wonder why she’s defensive?

Gosh Philothea…I suggest you look back at who made that comment…for it was NOT I.

 

[Philothea_2.0]

Gosh Philothea…I suggest you look back at who made that comment…for it was NOT I.

Indeed, you are correct, and I apologize. I thought BertaSwede had replied to you, but it was to LSK. So I should have said, “Of course she is defensive, LSK was uncharitable to her and called her a lousy parent.”

Again, I am sorry for the mistake, Karin.

 

[Karin]

Indeed, you are correct, and I apologize. I thought BertaSwede had replied to you, but it was to LSK. So I should have said, “Of course she is defensive, LSK was uncharitable to her and called her a lousy parent.”

Again, I am sorry for the mistake, Karin.

Apology accepted Philothea!

 

[BLB_Oregon]

By the way, yes, i am trying to cut back on the Scoth and trust God more and His Mother, all our Lady. So far, it has worked, i am peaceful and calm lately, and our big family all very content and happy. thanks for your thoughts, which i appreciate so much.

This is very good to hear. We still worry about you, though. You have to understand, it is because we have seen so many times in our own lives and in the lives of others how these little patches in the fence usually do not hold up. The Blessed Mother, a little patch? No, I do not mean that. I mean that you may not be handing over as much as you think. I fear this, because you sound as if you are still holding back. The Blessed Mother may force you to face your problems, but then again, she may let you face the consequences you are choosing. Good mothers are like that.

Trust God more daily, keep turning yourself over to His Mother, and refuse to use things (including scotch) to comfort yourself when you are overburdened, unless you are sharing that you do this with a real person. In other words, if it is truly “taking care of yourself”, you do not need to fear that you will be judged. As the saying goes, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Hide nothing from those you know and love. Find someone to share these burdens with, even if it is no one but your confessor.

Faults thrive in darkness. Let the light shine on your life. Hide nothing. And when someone speaks to you out of love, do not reject it out of hand. Listen to what they have to say, and take it earnestly and humbly to prayer. This will not lead you astray.

Blessings on you and your family, and peace in your household.

 

[BertaSwede]

This is very good to hear. We still worry about you, though. You have to understand, it is because we have seen so many times in our own lives and in the lives of others how these little patches in the fence usually do not hold up.

Yes. I hear you and all you say to me. Your life has been hard too. I thank you for your response to me.

 

[teihs]

Gosh, Berta… I’m feeling a little frustrated for you because the focus has been on your drinking, while your husband’s addictions to porn and masterbation haven’t even been touched on.

In your original post you seem to be crying in pain over that, while at the same time you excuse his behavior by blaming the “temptation” on American media. American freedom (just like the freedom Christ gives us) demands personal responsibility. You wouldn’t blame our sinfulness on God for giving us the freedom that allows us to choose sin. Neither should you blame American freedom, nor let yourself be blamed, for your husband’s sin.

Your husband’s obsession with porn must feel very much like betrayal to you. Perhaps you are angry with your husband for betraying you to porn? Perhaps your frustration has pushed you into a depression that a doctor can help with?

I’m all for you getting counseling and seeing a priest, but I hope you will make those same suggestions to your husband. Not only does he need help for his addition, but your marriage needs help, too.

Lovingly,
Terry