Unable to fit in? Feeling unable to do well in school or work life? Feeling frightened of the future? Feeling unworthy of human relationships? Feeling lonely? Feeling the inability to rise above a bad situation?
That’s been me for 20 out of 27 years. I wonder constantly if I’m really supposed to make the most out of life as others around me…if I’m truly supposed to be here.
Has anyone else dealt with this, especially as a young(er) adult? I just don’t know what my vocation is anymore.
I keep thinking of the past, and wanting to return to “simpler” days (that mainly consisted hiding in my room and reading books).
Spiritual counseling and individual counseling have sort-of-helped, but I think I can’t shake these ideas.
I had a quick look at your other posts. You mention depression on one of them. So I suppose this might be a factor.
I put up with a lot of rejection when I was younger, mainly from my father, and it completely destroyed my confidence (and he did it deliberately too, which is why I find it so hard to forgive him).
So when I had a couple of failures, I didn’t think I had much of a future to look forward to. And to some extent, I hold God responsible for that. Even my old pastor, for whom I developed a lot of respect, once said to me “All He’s (God’s) done all your life is humiliate you! What have you done to deserve all this??”
In your case, it would seem you’re somewhat introverted, since you liked to retire to your room and read books. But this wouldn’t help you much in your search for social involvement.
However Christ did say “My yoke is light and easy”, according to most translations. JB Phillips apparently phrased that in his NT translation as “My yoke fits…”. That is to say, whatever Christ wants you to do will, or should, fit in with your basic nature as it is. It may not necessarily be “light or easy” and I think the common translation is a bit misleading. JB Phillips meaning is probably closer to the intent.
So you may need to find out just what your gifts are and then work out ways of using them to line up with Christ’s will. In my own case, I know I’m supposed to be writing, but I also feel so cheesed off with God’s unfair treatment that I’ve dragged my feet on it for a long time. I’m not a bad observer for example, and as my psychiatrist put it, “I think in you (ie. me), the gift of observation is highly developed. While other people are doing things, you’re watching things.”
He then went on to say, “It’s a sterile gift in a way, since it doesn’t lead to anything. But you can use this gift by writing, in order to get people to reflect on things.”
So my “sterile” gift of observing can, if I put on Christ’s yoke, be fitted to writing, and thus causing other people to reflect. But as I said, apart from laziness, I often feel pretty cranky about God’s unfairness, and dig my heels in. It’s my way of getting even, even if it’s only going to backfire on me in the end. Although I think there’s a bit more at stake than just me.
However the same principle would apply to you. You have certain characteristics, and God’s given them to you, whether you like them or not. There is a way in which Christ can use them, but you have to find it. The problem is that you might wish they were different gifts eg. being more extroverted, more technical, harder working, better at making money, more businesslike or whatever.
But unfortunately you’re stuck with them. So all you can do is get Christ to tell you exactly what he wants you to do, and how to use the gifts that He has given you as He would like them used, so that His “yoke fits”.
If that’s any use to you.
