About five years ago, I’d begun to feel a little tug on my heartstrings towards religious life. But I had a lot of pride and vanity and I fell into a very sinful relationship. . . I’d get invited out, go and see a young man who I didn’t actually care for but still wanted to impress, and then wind up sleeping with him. It was not for lust, but for the desire to be wanted and loved. Then I’d go back to my house and spend all night crying and begging God for help - not to let me fall again, not to let me be so evil… not to let me hurt Him like this again. Not to let me go out again, or do anything like this again. To kill me and my cowardly self first.
One night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and a lady spoke to me. I knew intrinsically that I could not hear her voice clearly because of my sins, but I also knew it was a woman, and I knew what she said. She asked, “Will you give yourself completely?” And I said “No!” It shocked me that I responded that way. . . But I knew part of giving myself completely meant coming clean about everything, and I was so afraid that doing so would mean that I would lose all the love and friendship of the people I loved. Still, after continually offering my heart to Christ in prayer, I was shocked to hear the word “no” come from my mouth. And then she asked me again, and again I said, “No!” Then she said, “Then pray the Rosary.” I told her, “But I can’t. I will fall asleep. I can only pray a decade.” She answered “Fine.” I felt like I’d annoyed her a little. I got up, got my rosary, and began to pray a decade. I fell asleep. And then my bed shook violently and I woke up, finished the decade, and went to sleep.
It was a turning point in my life. I got to see my heart for what it really was.
I don’t know if this was Mary. I think it was. But it was a personal experience, so please don’t put any weight in it. I only tell you for what it is worth to you.
