Has anyone heard of a spouse losing their faith AFTER marriage?!

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I have posted on this forum before about how my husband was a devout Catholic when we got married and now has almost completely lost his faith. I am not really asking for advice on the situation since I’ve posted about it before, but I’m wondering if this has happened to anyone else. Has anyone else married someone who was a devout Catholic, only to have them lose their faith after several years of marriage? Or known someone who has had this happen to them? I am getting increasingly frustrated because I NEVER hear of this happening. I know there are lots of couples where one is religious and the other is not, but it seems like it’s ALWAYS because they were either like that at the time they got married, or neither was religious to start out and one had a conversion or reversion later. I NEVER hear of a situation in which both spouses are religious and then one “de-converts.”

So I started Googling things like “spouse de-converted” and “spouse is no longer religious,” and it turns out there are a lot of blogs and forums out there for people who have “de-converted,” usually from some form of evangelical Protestantism. Many de-converted after marriage and are still married to someone who is still religious. But the thing is, everything I found is from the perspective of the person who lost their faith. I found a lot of support for the people who lose their faith, but NOTHING for the spouses.

Does anyone know of any resources or forums or support for people in my situation? I guess stuff for people who convert after marriage when their spouse doesn’t might help me, but I still feel like that’s a slightly different situation. I did not choose the current state of affairs in any way, shape or form. In fact, I went to great lengths to avoid it, even breaking up with a previous boyfriend when I was only 17 because he was not Catholic, and not willing to raise any kids Catholic, and I really wanted to share my Catholic faith with my spouse. My husband and I dated for almost five years before we got married, did marriage preparation with the priest at our college who knew us, went on an Engaged Encounter retreat, and talked about absolutely everything before marriage. The thing is, all the discussion and marriage preparation and Engaged Encounters in the world won’t make any difference if someone changes AFTER marriage. NOBODY tells you this. I feel completely unprepared to deal with this. I don’t know what I could have done differently.

Am I really the only Catholic in the world who has had this happen to them?
 
I never “de-converted” or anything like that, but I did lose my faith for awhile. I still struggle with it from time to time, but mostly in the ways that people usually do when they also like to delve into history. The typical questions about how the Church’s teachings could all be correct given evolution and whatnot, but then again, I’m struck right back at how we’ve yet to contact other sentient beings in the universe despite the fact that we “should have” by now, or that the universe almost assuredly had to have been created by an outside force, or that many religions have similar tenets so doesn’t it make sense that God has been talking to us in so many different ways since He infused us with souls. Usual light stuff.

The more serious reason I lost my faith was, quite frankly, an addiction. I was addicted to pornography and it robbed me to the point where I was spiritually blind. I lost almost total faith in God and just went through the motions of going to church on Sundays and praying with my kids. Inside, I was dead.

Fortunately I had a huge wake-up call to rip me away from my addiction and I’m spiritually alive again in recovery. That’s not to say that such a thing has happened in your case. More often, and therefore more likely, is that he is disillusioned or become somewhat cynical about his life in general… so therefore he is disillusioned with his faith. This is due to a lack of maturity and understanding about how the world works. It certainly did in my case even when I was NOT addicted.
 
Yes, it happens. Actually, I think it is more likely to happen to someone who takes their faith seriously than to someone who performs their religious duties in a rote manner. The former group translates their inner life into the way they live their lives. If the inner life has a seismic change, it usually shows on the outside. The latter group don’t have a strong connection between the two, so in that group you sometimes see people “living two lives”, where the inner life or the moral life changes entirely, but it doesn’t show in the least in the way they perform their religious duties.

I’d actually ask him to simply perform his religious duties as duties, as part of what he does because he married you after representing himself as devoutly Catholic. I mean to ask that as a sign of affection for you…ask if he’s willing to do that. In return, be supportive in his need to be true to his inner life and to ask the real questions that are in his heart now. If he keeps in some touch with the life of the Church, just as a way to show his devotion to his wedding vows if nothing else, but is in no way forced to say what he does not believe, I think that is your best chance that he will come back on his own accord, and really “be back” when he does. The important thing, though, is to be careful that you are not asking him to do something that betrays his integrity. Try to work something out by presenting it as an act of integrity to be there even though he’s having difficulties in faith, rather than refraining from being there as an act of integrity to how he feels on the inside.

Many of the saints went through dark periods when they questioned everything. Do not give up on him or despair. Pray for him, encourage him, educate yourself so you can gently witness to the truth in what he is going through, keep up your affection for him, and trust in God. You won’t force him to come back, so don’t try!
 
Over the last several years I have become aware of so many people in your situation and I have found it devastating. I am actually quite alarmed at how extensive this issue has become among my circle of old friends, and all of us are cradle Catholics primarily completely Catholic school educated. I see this as a crisis and have often wondered why it is not discussed on this forum more often. I have taken to praying to St. Monica to intercede for us and ask God to help us have the patience and faith she had in her life.
 
sdeco said:
I have posted on this forum before about how my husband was a devout Catholic when we got married and now has almost completely lost his faith. I am not really asking for advice on the situation since I’ve posted about it before, but I’m wondering if this has happened to anyone else. Has anyone else married someone who was a devout Catholic, only to have them lose their faith after several years of marriage? Or known someone who has had this happen to them? I am getting increasingly frustrated because I NEVER hear of this happening. I know there are lots of couples where one is religious and the other is not, but it seems like it’s ALWAYS because they were either like that at the time they got married, or neither was religious to start out and one had a conversion or reversion later. I NEVER hear of a situation in which both spouses are religious and then one “de-converts.”

So I started Googling things like “spouse de-converted” and “spouse is no longer religious,” and it turns out there are a lot of blogs and forums out there for people who have “de-converted,” usually from some form of evangelical Protestantism. Many de-converted after marriage and are still married to someone who is still religious. But the thing is, everything I found is from the perspective of the person who lost their faith. I found a lot of support for the people who lose their faith, but NOTHING for the spouses.

Does anyone know of any resources or forums or support for people in my situation? I guess stuff for people who convert after marriage when their spouse doesn’t might help me, but I still feel like that’s a slightly different situation. I did not choose the current state of affairs in any way, shape or form. In fact, I went to great lengths to avoid it, even breaking up with a previous boyfriend when I was only 17 because he was not Catholic, and not willing to raise any kids Catholic, and I really wanted to share my Catholic faith with my spouse. My husband and I dated for almost five years before we got married, did marriage preparation with the priest at our college who knew us, went on an Engaged Encounter retreat, and talked about absolutely everything before marriage. The thing is, all the discussion and marriage preparation and Engaged Encounters in the world won’t make any difference if someone changes AFTER marriage. NOBODY tells you this. I feel completely unprepared to deal with this. I don’t know what I could have done differently.

Am I really the only Catholic in the world who has had this happen to them?
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You most likely are never going to find such answers to questions on any internet site because a lot of people would possibly view this too private to share in public space.

Easier said than done, but my advice would be to stop trying to analyse it. The best advice is to trust in God and come what may will be. You may be the only Catholic in the world it has happend to or you mayn’t be and has happend to others and they haven’t shared it anywhere than their Priest perhaps.

I am more certain that it is possibly that this kind of information isn’t shared publically and that why you can’t find it. The internet isn’t fallable per se… I hope that helps.
 
Easterjoy, fortunately my husband still goes to church with us (though he doesn’t go to communion) and is OK with raising the kids Catholic. He knows he promised to raise the kids Catholic when we got married and he will honor that promise. He said he always thought Catholicism was logical, but his big epiphany was that just because something is logical doesn’t mean it’s true. People can make arguments for other religions that sound good too. He just can’t believe anything without absolute, concrete evidence. I’m just worried about how it will affect our kids and whether they will be influenced by his lack of faith. There’s a reason I made sure I married another Catholic.

Mountee, I’m amazed you know so many people who have had this happen. I do know one other person who said her husband was Catholic when she married him, and he’s now an atheist, but she’s the only one I’ve ever met.
You most likely are never going to find such answers to questions on any internet site because a lot of people would possibly view this too private to share in public space.
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But the thing is, people share tons of stuff on the internet that is MUCH more personal, including on this forum. So I don’t buy that explanation. Also, I wasn’t just looking for other people in the same situation, I was looking for some sort of support or a book or something. I’ve noticed there’s a book called “When Only One Converts,” but there’s no book called “When Only One DE-Converts.” It just seems like there’s NOTHING for people in my situation at all.
 
sdeco said:
Easterjoy, fortunately my husband still goes to church with us (though he doesn’t go to communion) and is OK with raising the kids Catholic. He knows he promised to raise the kids Catholic when we got married and he will honor that promise. He said he always thought Catholicism was logical, but his big epiphany was that just because something is logical doesn’t mean it’s true. People can make arguments for other religions that sound good too. He just can’t believe anything without absolute, concrete evidence. I’m just worried about how it will affect our kids and whether they will be influenced by his lack of faith. There’s a reason I made sure I married another Catholic.

Mountee, I’m amazed you know so many people who have had this happen. I do know one other person who said her husband was Catholic when she married him, and he’s now an atheist, but she’s the only one I’ve ever met.

But the thing is, people share tons of stuff on the internet that is MUCH more personal, including on this forum. So I don’t buy that explanation. Also, I wasn’t just looking for other people in the same situation, I was looking for some sort of support or a book or something. I’ve noticed there’s a book called “When Only One Converts,” but there’s no book called “When Only One DE-Converts.” It just seems like there’s NOTHING for people in my situation at all.
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Then why not write that book and you may get access to that information at the same time as you do research and find your leads into further research… 👍
 
I’ve known many couples who have had a “crisis of faith” (probably a better term to google than “de-converting”), and it is, indeed, a horrific struggle.
St. Monica will be your friend in this fight…

Prayers for you and your family… keep the faith, be open to answer all the questions your children have, and do your best to keep the peace within the family.
 
Oh yes, I know people in this situation. I don’t think it’s that unusual really to have people change drastically after they are married – including stopping practicing their faith. (I know I sure felt like I’d been backhanded when my husband turned out to be an addict when we’d met at church and in Bible study!)

It’s a little disconcerting to me to read at CAF sometimes about how single people have a list of all the things they “must” find in a spouse when part of marriage is dealing with the things we can’t control or predict. I see it as our vocation to keep praying for our spouses and to show them God’s love–maybe one day they will return to their faith. That does happen too!
 
It’s not unusual for people to change over time. I think of all the people who find out later their spouse is an addict of some kind and what a shock that is and how all your dreams for your marriage and children die and you question how you could have ever missed something like that.

You may have a lot in common with catholic spouses who face situations like this (and people discuss that here though I know some people keep up a “shell” and never let the truth out).

In addition, I know many women who attend mass without their spouses. So even if the situation is not exactly the same as yours, you might find some support by befriending people like that.

Also a lot of people do go through faith crises, as someone else said. Our job is to keep praying for our spouses and children. It can be tough but there it is (that’s what I learned to do anyway). And sometimes those people come back to God! God bless you, I hope you find some support. And yes, pray to St Monica. She always helps me, as does Mother Mary.
 
Thanks for your prayers, Em. I actually did some Googling with the phrase “crisis of faith” and couldn’t find much of anything either. I did come across something that I thought might be relevant and got excited - until I realized it was this thread. :rolleyes: You would think there would at least be some articles in Catholic publications or something.

Ironically, I’ve always had a devotion to Saint Monica, even before this happened. I have had many family members and friends who have left the Catholic faith or who are lukewarm, and she has always been very inspiring to me.
 
I’ve known several people in this situation. One is a Catholic, one Protestant, and one is Jewish. In two cases the men lost their faith, and in the case of the Protestant it was the woman. Its rough, but it can be worked through. You’re entire relationship you have been negotiating compromises and respecting each others differences. This is just one more subject you have to learn to navigate.

I disagree that he should still be expected to practice the faith though. If he wants to or has decided on his own that that’s a sacrifice he wants to make that’s great, but I don’t think he should be expected to. Certainly if two non religious people got married and one found religion they shouldn’t be expected to stay away from it. Part of being marriage is the commitment to love and stand by the person not only for who they are, but for who they may become over the course of a long life together.
 
I have experienced a similar situation. I was divorced, raising 2 children alone & got an annulment when I met my husband. He told me that he was Catholic & I thought it was something we had in common. We attended Mass together when we were dating, went to Engaged Encounter & got married at his family parish. After we were married, he stopped going to Mass. He will only attend for Christmas, funerals & occasionally when we are visiting family out of town, and he does not receive communion. He has issues & makes excuses, but says he still believes even if he does not practice. It did cause confusion for my k ids when they were teenagers & they did not want to go to Mass anymore. “Dad does not go, so why should we?” We’ve been married for 26 years. Not much I can do but keep inviting him and to pray.

I found 3 books for you. These are Christian, but not specifically Catholic, so you might need to keep Catholic teaching in mind when you read, and the authors might take a Protestant view of a mixed faith marriage.
  1. Spiritually Single Moms: Raising Godly Kids When Dad Doesn’t Believe by Stephanie Sebastian Meyer. This author was on Dr.James Dobson’s Family Talk show. Her husband was a minister, then lost faith & became agnostic.
  2. Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage by Lee Strobel
  3. Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage by Lynn Donovan & Dineen Miller
 
Yes, I have heard of this happening and have seen it. My parents, for instance, wandered away from the Church for a short time AFTER they were married. They were both very devout beforehand. Both followed the rules to the “T”, my father in his family of 6 siblings being the only who was a virgin when he got married for instance. My mother came from a very Catholic country and used to attend mass daily. They were married in the early 70s and there was a lot of changes going on in the Church at the time. Nothing seemed as it used to be. What they knew unravelled underneath of them. My parents, both intelligent, educated young people, began to simply ask questions, like any young person would. They didn’t think it was that important to attend mass every Sunday. My father also kind of became interested in pantheism.

The change to go back to the Church more devoutly came when he went to medical school. It was during medical school and starting his life as a phhysician and becoming more attuned to the power of science, faith and spirituality that strengthened his faith. He saw that there was truly something much more bigger (God) than him, especially with the humbling experiences of not always being able to save patients even though he did everything possible. The final push was the birth of his first child. He was actually on call at the hospital as a resident (already up for almost 24 hours) when my mother went into labor, so he was there to help deliver me, although I ended up being an emergency c-section. Both of my parents began to attend mass regularly after that, and their journey in faith and spiritual life has grown. My father has such a strong faith now, it’s inspiring.

I don’t think it is unusual for people to drift away from faith at least once in their life. People change, they grow, or regress. It’s rare that you see someone stay stagnant in every aspect of themselves for their entire lives. I am not the same 5, 10, 15 years ago as I am now, and would hate to be judged by my past self. I have never left my faith, but I have felt lukewarm and upset about my religion or even about the strength of my spirituality at different periods. I think those periods, in a strange way, can help us become stronger in our faith.

I am very sorry you are going through this right now. This is the time you have to be strong for your spouse and pray for him. I know for myself, when my husband seems to be more lukewarm about his faith, especially in terms of attending mass, I am there to push him. I tell him straight out that I’m not going to let him get lazy about his faith. I want him to do the same for me if I get that way as well. I can’t recommend books, but will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
 
sdeco: Not only is my husband divorcing me after 30 yrs.; he has also abandoned the
Catholic faith he chose 25 yrs. ago. This was a good man who loved the Catholic
Church and attended Mass faithfully. I don’t know which pain is greater for me. I pray
for him daily; I hope he realizes the gravity of his decision. Since he no longer is in
contact with me these five mos., all I can do is ask others in my parish to pray for him.
My (I should say our) pastor feels badly, but constantly points out that my husband has
free will. I shall lift you and your spouse up in my thoughts as well. I know it is puzzling
and hurtful. Your hands are tied, except for prayer. I ask my special patron, Saint
Faustina, to beg God’s mercy for these gentlemen. Prayer is so powerful - there is always the strong possibility they will turn around and come back to Our Lord and holy
mother Church. JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU.

kaylynn7800
 
Oh - that is my spouse! My spouse struggles w/his faith. He floats between Catholic/agnostic/atheist - depending on his mood. I gave up trying to talk to him about faith when he said that he would be offended by having a cross up on one of the walls of the house. I was like, okay - this isn’t the guy I thought I married, but hopefully, this is just a phase…now, I just roll with it. I know he cares more about his faith than he’ll let on, but getting him to admit it is another issue.

Now that I’m converting, he’s going through a larger crisis because he doesn’t want it to because of him and he wants to make sure that I’m learning what I need to learn.

It’s just a miracle that he went to my rite of welcome last Sunday.

He tried to get out of it, but I told him that I didn’t want to be the only one at the service who didn’t have someone there for me - besides my sponsor. He was very supportive, if very reluctant.

We nearly got into it because he was very upset when I pulled out the toys for our son to play with in the pews because he’s just fidgety and it helps, but we made it through and I think spouse was happy he went. (Obviously, he’d know that attending mass w/a preschool boy is challenging, if he attended church with us more often! So, I forgive him for thinking that my son would be a little adult, despite the reality that he would have been in the nursery had the ceremony been at a different mass!) I was thrilled when I caught spouse smiling a few times, so I’ll take it and call it success! 👍

Just don’t push it. Invite him to things, but don’t expect him to say yes. I go to church w/o spouse and my sponsor is in the same situation. Sometimes, it’s just not important to them or they don’t want to change how they are living.

My 2 Cents.
 
sdeco said:
Easterjoy, fortunately my husband still goes to church with us (though he doesn’t go to communion) and is OK with raising the kids Catholic. He knows he promised to raise the kids Catholic when we got married and he will honor that promise. He said he always thought Catholicism was logical, but his big epiphany was that just because something is logical doesn’t mean it’s true. People can make arguments for other religions that sound good too. He just can’t believe anything without absolute, concrete evidence. I’m just worried about how it will affect our kids and whether they will be influenced by his lack of faith. There’s a reason I made sure I married another Catholic…
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If he’s still attending Mass and still listening to the homilies, that’s a good thing. He might try “Mere Christianity”. You can also ask at “Ask an Apologist” about how to handle this, because what you have on your hands is a long-term work of apologetics and evangelization. You could both wind up with a deeper faith in the end.

This does happen, it is part of the “better or worse” part. He’s trying to live with integrity, but he’s still open to the truth. Hang in there!
 
This happens frequently in Army marriages, we went through it ourselves. It was the most horrific time of my life. After 5 deployments and all the death and tragedy that comes with them my husband had lost his faith almost irretrievably.
I felt isolated, alone and adrift…since my faith was the ONLY thing which has kept me sane during twelve years of war, but for him, twelve years of war just made him question everything. I have never been sadder than when he returned from his fifth deployment and I found Atheist dog tags. It quite literally broke my heart. It almost ruined our marriage.
Fast forward two years…we’ve been blessed to have not had a deployment these past nearing two years, it took him over an entire year to even contemplate reconsidering his faith.
In June I received my Masters from Gonzaga and commencement mass was the first mass he had attended since prior to that last deployment. Ever since, little by little he has opened back up to Gods love.
My message here is, time. Time can heal all wounds, but the best advice I was given on this issue came from a professor I had in a Leadership and Forgiveness class at GU…people have to be allowed to come to grace on their own. Sometimes our love for them can cause us to actually hinder their ability to come to grace on their own. Instead of force feeding my husband mass, I just continued to be obedient myself. A silent witness to Gods love…eventually, he came back to God on his own.

Good luck to you, I know how difficult is.
 
Before marriage I was a person with a very negative approach towards catholic faith. My mother came from a catholic family but my father’s family became very reluctant after half of them died during the World War II. My father openly criticized Catholic Church for years. I was however baptized at the age of 12 to satisfy my grandmother’s wish. After baprism I never went to church.
I went through a complete transformation when I met my wife. Although my approach towards the Church was still indifferent and we had a so-called mixed ceremony, where only one party vows in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, I insisted I could vow in the same way as my wife, not even knowing exactly why. I guess I was just beginning to hear God’s call. One year after our marriage Blessed John Paul II died and that changed me again. I approached the Church to make my first confession and receive catechumenate and first Holy Communion. I became a devout catholic, in a way more aware of things than my wife. In fact, this has initiated a chain reaction in my family, with my father suggesting a church wedding to my mother after 30 years of living together. My wife however, after a few years became quite relaxed about her faith and now misses Sunday Mass regularily. It does give me a lot of concern because I love her very much and hate seeing her that way. I have been praying to the Lord for help and advice. I sense that God’s will is that I don’t try to impose anything or force nag her about going to church. Instead, I have been praying for her a lot and trying to give her good example. What troubles me even more is that we have 6 years old daughter who goes to a catholic primary schoool and is already beginning to question my wife’s faith.
Don’t really see any solution to this mess…😦
 
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