Has anyone reconciled with a cheating spouse?

[EasterJoy]

People do succeed in doing this. Some even have better marriages, because they are forced to be stronger and better in order to get through the rebuilding of trust.

I have a book I’d loan you if you were a friend. It is titled, How to Forgive: A Step-By-Step Guide, by Fr. John Monbourquette. I didn’t find every last thing in it useful, but I found some stuff in there that helped me. The author is both a priest and psychiatrist. The book may give you some ideas, and at the very least it will let you allow yourself for this to be a process you go through with your husband, and not a “yes, I will” or “no, I won’t” thing.

I would point out something from canon law on this subject:
***Can. 1152 §1. **Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.
**Can. 1155 *The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.

Why does the Church do this–that is, require the innocent spouse to renounce the right to separate after taking back an adulterous spouse? (Of course the law refers to a spouse who does not re-offend.) It is because at some point the punishment has to end. When you took your spouse back, in effect you told him, “I know what you did to me and to our marriage, and I will look past it. What you did is no longer your problem, which by all rights it ought to be. What you did is now our problem, because I am freely taking you back.” Now you bear this burden together: you bear the offense, and he supports you in your work of bearing what you did not deserve.

That does not mean that you renounce all right to go through a process of rebuilding trust with him. It does mean that you renounce the right to punish him for an offense he cannot un-do.

As for the “I would never…” just ask him to say something else. He has to concede that none of us can say what we would never do. St. Peter said “I would never…” before the Crucifixion. That didn’t turn out to be true. After the Crucifixion, he said, over and over, “Yes, Lord, you know I love you.”

You might ask St. Peter to help you. Ask St. Paul. Ask any saint you can think of who really blew it, big time. They will understand what you are going through, because being where they are now, they fully understand the gravity of what they did to Our Lord, and the great mercy that your husband is asking of you.

 

[Brandall]

I am having such a hard time. I love my husband, I want to be with my husband, but I just can’t seem to trust him.

We were married for 12 years and I found out he was having an affair. We divorced and were apart for 3 years. We reconciled 2 years ago. And, although it has been good for not only us, but our 2 children (16 yr and 14 yr) I just can’t seem to move forward. It seems like everytime I turn around there is a reminder of the past and all the hurt, lies, etc. Especially when he makes statements like, “I would never…” because he has and how can I believe that he won’t again?

I pray, I read, I just haven’t found peace and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

“I would never…” I’m pretty sure most of us have used this at the beginning of a sentence and made a liar of ourselves later. I know I have, so much so that I attempt to avoid using that, “I would never…” at the beginning of a sentence. (Never say never. lol)

Hopefully, most of us have not broken this by being an unfaithful spouse but this and nearly everything else happens. We’re all out in the world attempting to make it through and sometimes circumstances present themselves that allow us to do what we otherwise might not do. I’ve never cheated on my wife but I will have to concede, given the right circumstances (or wrong circumstances), it could have happened in my marriage. Given the right circumstances, (or wrong) there are probably a lot of people that would fall to that temptation.

I was actually seeking counsel from my deacon. And, he told me I should not reconcile with my husband. That basically once a cheater, always a cheater. Not quite the advice I expected from my church.

Since then, I have been doing what I have done my whole life…pray. Everyone else seems to impose their opinions. Which I guess is what I am looking for here. But, I want to know if these feelings are natural. Do they eventually subside? I don’t know anyone who has reconciled or even attempted to reconcile. So, I have no one that can tell me about their experience.

I have actually spoken with my husband about how I feel and he does everything in his power to reassure me. He answers every question. He checks in with me, sometimes hourly until we are both home from work. He even counts his text messages and phone calls so that we can reconcile them with our account online.

I want to trust him, I am afraid to trust him. He hurt me worse then I thought anyone possibly could. And, I don’t want to be hurt again.

I’ve never had a spouse cheat but I did have a girlfriend cheat a long time ago. We reconciled but I could not overcome my pain and the relationship did not last very long. I was 20 then and I know more now and if it happened again, I would better be able to handle it and overcome.

There are serial cheaters in this world that would find it nearly impossible to stop cheating. Most cheaters are not that type. They are someone that made a mistake or a series of them. Basically they are good people that have taken a wrong turn.

The Church teaches that it is possible to repent and be forgiven. That does not mean you can or have to live with it but since you’ve gotten to this point, divorce-remarriage, you are obligated to work toward forgiving.

Yes, your feelings are natural. You state that, “He hurt me worse than I thought anyone possibly could.” Absolutely he did and he is one of the few in this world that could inflict that amount of emotional turmoil. It’s the ones that are the closest that can hurt you the most. My wife and my kids have more power to hurt me than anything else in this world.

Yes, the power of this pain can subside but a lot of that depends on you. You are going to have to control your distrust a bit more. You are going to have to trust and let yourself once again enjoy this very important relationship again. Yes, he hurt you but it is unlikely that hurting you was his goal and it’s possible that he never meant to cheat but circumstances made it harder to resist. Life is like that. Once you get into that cycle, like anything else, it’s hard to remove yourself from it.

I’ll pray for you and your family. There must be something there or you wouldn’t be this far along. Most that divorce do not remarry but you knew something was there and have made a great effort. I pray for the healing you need in this marriage.

 

[Brandall]

I feel less than brilliant right now since I realized that I posted to a thread that originated in 2008 and the original poster hasn’t been on CAF since 2009.

Oh well