Has anyone reconciled with a cheating spouse?

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Charli67

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I am having such a hard time. I love my husband, I want to be with my husband, but I just can’t seem to trust him.

We were married for 12 years and I found out he was having an affair. We divorced and were apart for 3 years. We reconciled 2 years ago. And, although it has been good for not only us, but our 2 children (16 yr and 14 yr) I just can’t seem to move forward. It seems like everytime I turn around there is a reminder of the past and all the hurt, lies, etc. Especially when he makes statements like, “I would never…” because he has and how can I believe that he won’t again?

I pray, I read, I just haven’t found peace and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?
 
Charli67 said:
I am having such a hard time. I love my husband, I want to be with my husband, but I just can’t seem to trust him.

We were married for 12 years and I found out he was having an affair. We divorced and were apart for 3 years. We reconciled 2 years ago. And, although it has been good for not only us, but our 2 children (16 yr and 14 yr) I just can’t seem to move forward. It seems like everytime I turn around there is a reminder of the past and all the hurt, lies, etc. Especially when he makes statements like, “I would never…” because he has and how can I believe that he won’t again?

I pray, I read, I just haven’t found peace and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?
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Yes I have. Have you both gone to counseling at all?
 
I was actually seeking counsel from my deacon. And, he told me I should not reconcile with my husband. That basically once a cheater, always a cheater. Not quite the advice I expected from my church.

Since then, I have been doing what I have done my whole life…pray. Everyone else seems to impose their opinions. Which I guess is what I am looking for here. But, I want to know if these feelings are natural. Do they eventually subside? I don’t know anyone who has reconciled or even attempted to reconcile. So, I have no one that can tell me about their experience.

I have actually spoken with my husband about how I feel and he does everything in his power to reassure me. He answers every question. He checks in with me, sometimes hourly until we are both home from work. He even counts his text messages and phone calls so that we can reconcile them with our account online.

I want to trust him, I am afraid to trust him. He hurt me worse then I thought anyone possibly could. And, I don’t want to be hurt again.
 
Charli67 said:
I was actually seeking counsel from my deacon. And, he told me I should not reconcile with my husband. That basically once a cheater, always a cheater. Not quite the advice I expected from my church.
Your Deacon would have done better to give you no advice than to make that statement.
Since then, I have been doing what I have done my whole life…pray. Everyone else seems to impose their opinions. Which I guess is what I am looking for here. But, I want to know if these feelings are natural. Do they eventually subside? I don’t know anyone who has reconciled or even attempted to reconcile. So, I have no one that can tell me about their experience.
I have actually spoken with my husband about how I feel and he does everything in his power to reassure me. He answers every question. He checks in with me, sometimes hourly until we are both home from work. He even counts his text messages and phone calls so that we can reconcile them with our account online.

I want to trust him, I am afraid to trust him. He hurt me worse then I thought anyone possibly could. And, I don’t want to be hurt again.
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in my case it was my wife who cheated. I didn’t want to give up on it all (I wasn’t practicing faith at the time) and agreed to go back with her but I treated her Miserably for a few years because of my not trusting her. When I realized I was actually pushing her away with my own lack of trust, I did a great deal of praying and went to counseling with her to sort things out and learn trust again. We both went to a Christian counselor who brought out the causes as to her being unfaithful to me and helped me see that we were together both trying to make it work because we did love each other. She had no reason to come back and put up with my attitude for three years if she didn’t. By my not trusting her I was not really giving her a chance, just punishing her. I learned that if we made it or didn’t, it was not under my control but that it would never survive without letting the past go. If your husband is actively involved in Prayer with you, thats a great foundation. You can also contact your Parish and look into going through a marriage encounters weekend. My wife and I are best friends and partners in a very blessed marriage, the past has no hold on me and the future is up to God.
 
Not a spouse (yet, hopefully!), but my boyfriend cheated on me last fall. I didn’t leave him and don’t intend to ever do so. His daughter is now five weeks old.

Everybody makes mistakes, some with bigger consequences than others. It’s what we learn from these mistakes that is truly important. He knows he messed up big time, and his remorse was and is sincere. He’s taking responsibility for his actions. I trust him to never be unfaithful to me again; he trusts me to, well, to trust him. It is a huge act of faith on my part to know that he’s spending a great deal of time with the other woman in the raising of their child; it has taught me to have greater faith in God, to trust that even though things are radically different than I’d have planned, they’re still going according to HIS plan. It has taught both of us patience, it has taught him responsibility, it has taught me what it really means to truly forgive those who have trespassed against us.

Christ forgave his betrayer and those who crucified him, he entrusted his church to Peter after he publicly denied Him, and he did it all with LOVE. Surely I can forgive an infidelity, and take joy in the blessing of life that came from it.

I will be keeping you in my prayers.
 
I have no experience of the situation you are in, but I think this was good advice:
twb1621 said:
Yes I have. Have you both gone to counseling at all?
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(Note, you BOTH should go for counselling)

May you both find the peace you so richly deserve.
 
First, hugs to you charli…I know this must be hard. I don’t have advice from personal experience, but have seen family go through this. And, something I learned in watching them over the years, is that affairs are rarely about the marriage. I mean, they can be, like if someone is neglected or abused, they turn for comfort elsewhere, say in a wife’s case or something. But, in most circumstances, affairs are born because the person who cheats is looking for something to fill a hole only God can fill. That’s why typically, when people marry people who they’ve had affairs with, the marriage doesn’t work. Because the relationship was never supposed ‘to be’ to begin with. That being said, I’m sure at this stage your husband has sought help for why he did what he did. If he seems like a whole person now, and has a sincere relationship with Christ…it will be hard, but just keep praying for God to help you trust. Lean on God for strength. If your husband now has a strong relationship with God, and has ironed out why he cheated…and most likely it wasn’t you, otherwise, you wouldn’t have remarried lol…then, chances are he won’t ever cheat again.

I don’t have a crystal ball, and neither do you–but I think that you just need to keep praying…and maybe write down in a journal, what triggers you to mistrust, and discuss with your hubby. It’s a fine line, because you don’t want your whole marriage to be based upon dredging up the past…and never moving on. So, maybe try that, and see if it helps. But, if your husband has truly grown closer to God, and has sincerely recommited to you–you have to find a way to trust…again. I know, it must be very hard.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.:o
 
Nope, we’re divorcing. But had he sincerely wanted to end the other relationship and reconcile our marriage, I think I would have tried lotsa Christian counseling paired with the program found on “hopeandhealing.us” website. Note, this is not catholic so there might be things that are not completely in line with catholicism, but I thought it would have been a good thing to try. There is also a book from the main couple running the organization, they have recovered from adultery.

Hugs to you,
Sarah
 
Charli67 said:
I was actually seeking counsel from my deacon. And, he told me I should not reconcile with my husband. That basically once a cheater, always a cheater. Not quite the advice I expected from my church.
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Doesn’t address your question, but big smack on the wrist for this deacon. :nope: :dts: :tsktsk: I have a friend who had more than one straying episode but who came to regret it all bitterly and now has a clarity of thought and firmness of purpose when it comes to fidelity that he definitely didn’t have before. This deacon should be asked if he’s ever heard a story with the punchline, “go and sin no more.”
 
Thank you all!! You have offered something that I need…Prayers!! I am really feeling lost right now. I ask Gods blessings on you all.
 
Mother teresa said once…too truly forgive someone is to forget what they did to you.

The Bible says God forgets are sins when we confess them and repent of them.

Now for me personally…I would have a hard time forgetting something like that. I would be hurt so deeply… I feel for you lady. I know you must be very heart broken. keep praying and try to forgive and forget. I know easier said then done but make the effort. you need to forgive him. for your sake and his.

I think husbands and wives need to spend every waking second together when they can. otherwise things like this happen. I know the man must work, but I think a husband and wife should be together all most all the time other then that.
 
Marriage is a sacred institution and so it is your duty to work with the utmost diligence at strengthening it. For some, these efforts may fail, see Marital Separation. However, even if your spouse does not cooperate, in most cases your own efforts at personal development can be sufficiently successful for you not to need to break your marriage vows.
 
Reconciling will only work if BOTH parties want that. If he is really remorseful for hurting you and not just giving you lip service than it could work.

However, if I were not married to the man I’d run in the opposite direction.
 
Charli67 said:
I was actually seeking counsel from my deacon. And, he told me I should not reconcile with my husband. That basically once a cheater, always a cheater. Not quite the advice I expected from my church.
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That’s what your deacon thinks. There is a nugget of truth to what he said.

However, people can and do change, if they want too. That said, it is up to you, and your husband if you want to work things out.
Charli67 said:
Since then, I have been doing what I have done my whole life…pray. Everyone else seems to impose their opinions. Which I guess is what I am looking for here. But, I want to know if these feelings are natural. Do they eventually subside? I don’t know anyone who has reconciled or even attempted to reconcile. So, I have no one that can tell me about their experience.
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I can’t speak to how it feels to be cheated on. One thing I can suggest is trying to find someone in clergy and/or a Catholic/Christian marriage/relationship consueler that would be willing to help you and your husband out. I also hear Retrouville is good.
Charli67 said:
I have actually spoken with my husband about how I feel and he does everything in his power to reassure me. He answers every question. He checks in with me, sometimes hourly until we are both home from work. He even counts his text messages and phone calls so that we can reconcile them with our account online.
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This is a good start, I think. 👍

He is at least attempting, it would seem to make a good faith effort.
Charli67 said:
I want to trust him, I am afraid to trust him. He hurt me worse then I thought anyone possibly could. And, I don’t want to be hurt again.
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I can understand why you feel this way. I think it could be the natural reaction to how he hurt you.

Again, as I suggested, consueling may help you work through your trust issues.
 
It’s hard. I caught my husband having ‘secret’ communications 3 times (2 internet, 1 by cell phone) with other women. He swears that it was ‘innocent’ but one was his ex-wife and the other was a neighbor who had the ‘hots’ for him–thank God she moved to another state! This was over the span of our 16 years (so far) together.

I think the best thing you have to do is to look at your relationship as a whole: Is he a good father? Does he contribute to supporting the family? Is he non-violent? Is he free or clean from alcohol and/or drugs? Is he a kind and loving person? Is he willing to reassure you when you have doubts?

If you answered yes to these than I think it’s worth it to stay in your marriage.

I had a fling which lasted about 6 months about 5 years ago which I only told to my priest. I regret that fling tremendously–I should’ve just taken a pottery class to take my mind off my woes! Our marriage was going through one of those especially rocky times. I did end the affair on my own and never strayed again.

I’m doing better at looking at my relationship as a whole and we are communicating better–though it is a work in progress. One of the best things you can do is to pray to God for guidance. Also, take time to enjoy the little things in life together. Go for walks together, enjoy watching a sunset, cook a meal together.
 
Charli67 said:
I was actually seeking counsel from my deacon. And, he told me I should not reconcile with my husband. That basically once a cheater, always a cheater. Not quite the advice I expected from my church.

Since then, I have been doing what I have done my whole life…pray. Everyone else seems to impose their opinions. Which I guess is what I am looking for here. But, I want to know if these feelings are natural. Do they eventually subside? I don’t know anyone who has reconciled or even attempted to reconcile. So, I have no one that can tell me about their experience.

I have actually spoken with my husband about how I feel and **he does everything in his power to reassure me. He answers every question. He checks in with me, sometimes hourly until we are both home from work. He even counts his text messages and phone calls so that we can reconcile them with our account online. **

I want to trust him, I am afraid to trust him. He hurt me worse then I thought anyone possibly could. And, I don’t want to be hurt again.
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It sounds like he is trying to be utterly transparent in order to earn your trust. It sounds like he is really trying, so cudos to him for being so open and accountable.

I have to ask: What made you decide to reconcile after being divorced for three years? There must be something there that made you decide to give this relationship another shot after that amount of time.

I know some people who reconciled after a betraying affair. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but some people are both willing to work at it. That is what it takes: two people, not one.

I think you have to bite the bullet and learn to trust him. I know how hard that is; my ex left under terrible circumstances and I now have a very hard time trusting men as a result. I have zero interest in dating (my marriage was annulled, leaving me free) because of trust issues.
 
Charli67 said:
I am having such a hard time. I love my husband, I want to be with my husband, but I just can’t seem to trust him.

We were married for 12 years and I found out he was having an affair. We divorced and were apart for 3 years. We reconciled 2 years ago. And, although it has been good for not only us, but our 2 children (16 yr and 14 yr) I just can’t seem to move forward. It seems like everytime I turn around there is a reminder of the past and all the hurt, lies, etc. Especially when he makes statements like, “I would never…” because he has and how can I believe that he won’t again?

I pray, I read, I just haven’t found peace and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?
Click to expand...
Hi Charli:

Yes, I reconciled a few times after my h cheated also. But we did not divorce. We were separated 4 times, then got back together, as far as living together, never fully emotionally. Just in the same house. But, same as you, I can NEVER EVER trust him again. That’s the bad part about cheating and adultery. Your marriage is changed forever! Are you re-married? You must make this decision, and no one else. I have known couples who divorce, then re-marry, and it can be done.

If me and my cheating spouse did divorce, personally, I would never reconcile. But that is just me. Also if I could have afforded it, when I found out about my adulterous husband, I would have divorced him in a minute, but I could not do it then, nor can I now. The future is in God’s hands.

Good Luck with your decision. Pray about it.
 
Yes you can reconcile but it hurts and is harder than just walking out.

If you weren’t married I would say part company.

But once married in the church you assumed a responsibility and vowed to God.

So u then need to try to fix it up.

It is so annoying all the secular advice is focussed on you, you, you. Self actualisation, self fulfilment, self love, selfishness.

Not on what is best in a marriage for the kids, the spouses the marriage the family and for your relationship with God etc.

My wife ( girlfriend then) got pregnant to another man, She had an affair for 2 weeks when we had been together for a year. I kicked her out, then took her back because I was so in love with her, and raised the child as my own. I love him now with all my heart and he is my son, and I don’t hold a grudge or even think about it. So you can forgive and move on. Besides I now have 4 other beautiful daughters from my wife and I would not change anything as I love them so much.

So yes you can reconcile, and forgive and forget, and have no pain if you really want to.
 
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