Has your wife ever said “you’re getting too religious”?

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OP,
Are you sure it’s not the Knights of Columbus, and not God and the church, that your wife has issues with?

Your first ministry is to your family. For all the good they do, the K of C is not the church!

Talk all of this over with your wife. And, be open to what God wants of you!
 
I second the idea that maybe it’s having the Knights of Columbus activities that your wife sees as interfering with sports and family time. Also, the Facebook and Instagram accounts. Maybe you should stop that for a while. Unless you want to have another account that she’s not signed up on … but that could cause other problems having a “secret” account.

I’ve been through this as well. My H is a cradle Catholic from a family that did/does the bare minimum in terms of religious practice. I’m a convert who went from practicing secularism to being a zealous, eventually legalistic, practicing Catholic. It was a tough time in our marriage and family life and it was up to me to figure out how to scale back on my outward speech and practices to make my H and family more comfortable.

I stopped talking about faith related matters incessantly, stopped sending pertinent emails, put my religious books out of sight and tried to stop critiquing tv shows, movies and music.

As I said, I was legalistic and I had to learn that these outward expressions were not an indication of my actual Faith. I don’t think that you are going through that kind of thing. But I think maybe stopping the Facebook and Instagram posts for the time being and not being involved in Knights of Columbus as it may conflict with family / school-sports activities…might not be a bad idea.
 
I am one of those people who just doesn’t get excited about much. As a result I really don’t like being around people who are fanatical about anything. Politics, shopping, kids, wine, animals, and yes, religion… you name it. If I think someone is fanatical, I steer clear because to me it signals they are quite possibly imbalanced, and I just don’t have the time or patience for dealing with that. You can decide if you are fanatical or not…I am all about each of us defining who we are. However, since you are married, you may want to consider your wife’s thoughts on the issue, as well. I think you should ask her. We modify ourselves a lot in life for all kinds of things. I am not suggesting you give up your religion or your faith at all. To do so, would be wrong. But how you express yourself in relationship to it may be a problem for your wife. This is something you should definitely work on with her, so you don’t feel restrained but so she also feels comfortable.
 
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I don’t think anyone can say definitively whether this meet warranted skipping a religious retreat or not.

What I do believe definitively is that:
  1. God does come first.
  2. In many, many cases, putting God first means prioritizing our family over everything else, including our own desires and inclination. Thus, we actually give glory to the Lord as parents and spouses; it is not usually an either or.
  3. How we ensconce our families into our faith combines 1 and 2, and is critical to discern how best to accomplish. Missing mass for a sporting event is obviously not a consideration. Missing a swim meet for a personal retreat is worthy of discussion with our spouse, IMO.
  4. Of greater concern is that language used to discourse. That sort of language (which even if we set the word aside, exemplifies unhealthy communication) is unacceptable for general use, much less from spouse to spouse. You know your wife best, but I suspect that a discussion of her feelings on the dilemma alongside yours is in order, to better understand where one and other is coming from both in this situation, and the bigger picture (that being your increased desire in participate and grow in your faith, and how best to include or accommodate your family in that).
Just my $.02.
 
When you have a Knight’s meeting, do you make sure she also has a free evening to do something she enjoys? Do you make sure you spend an evening with her? Do you come home happy and maybe stop on the way home to get her a little surprise?

Make sure that your practice of the Faith means you have become an even more loving and attentive husband.
 
Maybe make the occasional “I love my wife! She is a superstar for balancing everything while I am on the road this week. Cannot wait to take her out for an evening of dinner and dancing when I get home!!” post on social media.
 
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I´m thinking about the whole social media issue now…beside making a post about you loving her (what I really like! Sounds like a good idea!), do you profit spiritually from this social media presence? Maybe it´s the attitude she dislikes there, and not so much the practice. I myself dislike people who are super active on facebook often, and nt because I dislike their themes or their character, but because I´m simply annoyed of the need to tell everything every 10 mnutes or so 😉
 
I agree with the other posters that there is a good chance that it’s more about the KoC (which in many parishes is not much more than a vaguely religiously themed men’s club) than actual religion. I’ve got two young children and one on the way and if my husband unilaterally decided that he needed to be a Knight in order to be close to Jesus there would be significant opposition. That sort of thing is for old men whose kids are teens or grown and have one foot in retirement. If you’ve got kids who need help with homework or diaper changes, you get your butt home after work and start helping with the feeding, educating, entertainment, bathing, and tucking in of that which you’ve spawned. You can drink beer with the guys and talk about hunting (and um, oh yeah! Jesus!) when you retire and invent a machine that adds days to the week.
 
Yeah, “My vocation from God IS to be a husband and father” would have probably gone further.
 
So maybe I missed it, but did you TELL your wife that you were planning to attend this retreat? Or did you say, “Meh, nothing on the calendar, I’ll just sign up.” Because I’m sure when your son’s event came up and you said, “Oh, sorry, can’t make it, I signed up for a retreat”, that she knew nothing about till that moment, she probably felt like you were excluding her from your own life and activities and felt betrayed, jealous, etc. that you didn’t even consider that she might like to know about. My husband and I keep each other apprised of each other’s activities (more so when our son was younger than now that he’s an adult) because it was important to know what was going on and avoid conflicts and hurt feelings–“Honey, the men’s group at church want to have an hour of adoration after the meeting on the 17th and I’ll be home late.” or “Sweetie, my sister and mom want me to attend a rosary rally for women on the Saturday after next.” Then we had the opportunity to voice concerns and acknowledge each other’s plans–“Okay, I’ll save you a plate if you get home after the kids eat and go to bed.” or “Don’t forget, it’s Son’s baseball tournament that weekend. Will you be able to attend it at all or will the rally take all day?”

Communication. That’s the key.
 
Not sure if I had mentioned it or not, but I did tell her about the retreat before we even knew about the swim meet.

Since this whole issue arose though, we have both gotten planners and sit down together at the beginning of the month and look over events coming up to avoid any kind of issue like this. It was, at the very least, an eye opening experience of how to communicate better with each other. 😄
 
Marriage is a sacrament of service. It is not a one time event but a lifetime calling…

You are only home on weekends because you travel for work. Have a newborn and a 10 year old. Sign up for a full day event on one of the few days you are home because “why not?”. Spend time at KofC meetings even after your wife expresses the need for more family time. You miss your sons first event of the session but justify by saying there will be more events?

Sir you are seriously missing out and short changing your wife and family. Instead of being the leader of your family you have seemingly (based on what you have posted) abandoned them. She has every right to be ticked off. A little empathy and love for your wife and kids is very much in order plus as much time as you can spare.

You list out all types of minor things that you prioritize over your family like posting to social media, joining KofC and repeatedly stating “god comes first” while you neglect your core life calling… the sacrament of marriage - being a husband and a father.
 
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I think…this only my opinion…that, if it’s the first event of its kind in the school year, or the first meet that your son will actively participate in, you should try your best to put it first. It’s often important that a child’s father back him up. He’ll be glad you’re there. And, when you’re not, who hears the complaint first? Most likely, your wife. And, since you are the breadwinner, your wife will be seeing the kids a lot more often.

You’re kids are both boys, and it’s important for a boy to have a good male role model, one he can look up to and emulate. The Knights are not, officially a religious organization. You can be with your family at most church activities, but the Knights, have rules that bar them.

Since your wife spends so much time with the kids, and alone, it’s also important that the two of you have time, make time, to spend with each other. Many husbands and wives become strangers for a time, if one or both are involved with things that, of necessity, exclude one another. . Try and have a ‘date night’, just for the two of you, once a month or so. My guess is that it will do you both a lot of good.
 
It can be scary for spouses when one changes significantly after marriage. I can see someone thinking “this is not the person I married” or “this is not the package that I bought”. It often matters not whether the change is that you spend your time on religion or that you spend your time on duck hunting. It’s a new activity that is taking time away from the marriage and the family.

I will say that if you want your wife to be on board with this change in yourself, missing your kid’s first sporting event, which was a big deal to your wife and perhaps to your child as well, wasn’t the best foot to start off on. I know he will have lots of other sporting events, but this was his FIRST one. The K of C guys would have understood - and they will likely have many other retreats as well.

Are there some church activities, such as things involving more socialization or fun stuff (not so much a big heavy prayer session), that you could include your wife in? Things that she likes to do that you could do with other church members? You need to find some way of including her that she will enjoy, and kind of increase her comfort level with the whole thing.
 
Remember that joining the Church again comes with a lot of zeal, and much of what you’re doing is optional. If you’re often away during the week and only home on weekends, and of your time with your wife is being eroded due to optional events, I can see why your wife would take issue. I think that logic would apply equally if it was KoC or a volleyball team.

I’d recommend you and your wife schedule regular time together, and also plan for time for you to relieve her of care for the kids. The fact that you almost forgot your 1 yo son’s birthday shows your priorities are too skewed right now, and there’s some rebalancing required.

If you’re attending Mass every week, that’s your holy obligation. Praying the rosary can be done at times that don’t disrupt your wife, like a decade in the shower, 2 on the commute to work, 2 coming back. I’d seriously revisit my optional church schedule — because that’s what it is, optional.

How many events have you missed for the kids?
 
Exactly! It’s mostly a social club for men with limited work and family occupations. NOT a new father who’s home 2 days a week.

And just thinking out loud here, OP, but has your re-conversion brought with it new requirements on your wife in marriage? Maybe think through honestly how much you’re askomg her to swallow on your behalf, all of a sudden, when she thought she had alignment with you.

That’s a BIG change.
 
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Legend said:
The Knights are not, officially a religious organization. You can be with your family at most church activities, but the Knights, have rules that bar them.
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The Knights are very much focused on family, they were founded to provide help to families. They focus heavily on the Domestic Church


While councils may have different schedules to a point, ours has a weekly Social event (that means that wives and families are encouraged to attend) as well as monthly events that include wives and children: Corporate Communion, potluck w/ living Rosary, there are parties and dinner/dances for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, St Patrick’s Day. The Knights wives are very much involved in the charitable work. They have annual events just for kids (a Freethrow contest is very popular!). They offer college scholarships for parish kids.

You might want to give the Knights another look!
 
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For fourteen of our 23 years of marriage I have worked for the Church and even before we got engaged/married I was a catechists, so my wife has known what to expect. Years ago when we changed parishes from where I was the lead Youth Ministry volunteer at a recently opened parish to where we are now, my wife asked if this could be “her parish”. She wanted to be be more involved than me. We both joined ministries. A few years later I was hired and she was an officer on the Pastoral Council. We had an equal share of religiousness.

My son on the other hand… He never said I was too religious, but last year when he received his high school class schedule and saw that he was in Intro to the Old Testament (public school in the South), I could hear him tell his mom, “I don’t want to be like dad.” It turns out this was one of his best classes and this year he is in Intro to the New Testament.
 
So to clarify something; I am not gone 340 days out of the year. I am simply gone for training which lasts 3-4 weeks, twice a year. This will only occur only 3 more times.

I truly don’t understand some of the bashing on the KofC. Former Pope and now Saint John Paul II “spoke of the Knights of Columbus as a strong right arm of the Church” I didn’t join them because I needed drinking buddies or simply needed something to do in my off time (which obviously I don’t have a lot of). I joined because I felt called to be a better lay person. I wanted Catholic friends and wanted to be surrounded by good solid Catholic men. I wanted to see charity and good works in action as well as take part.

Furthermore, there is a plethora of good the Knights of Columbus have accomplished. A simple google search will prove this point.

I’m sure there are some councils out there that seem to be stagnant. Just because someone has a title or is part of a particular group doesn’t necessarily correlate to what’s in their heart. You get out of it what you put into it.

I’d also like to point out that the grand knight himself (as well as many other knights) have told me that even if I make it to just one event a year that’s more than ok. They have all been understanding and compassionate regarding a married man’s calling. One even told me to be cautious about being overly active since this could hurt the family.

The retreat was a one day thing, and it was already planned for. I informed my wife of it and she said ok.

Since then though my wife and I have grown closer and we both learned from this experience. I love my family with all myself and I take my calling to husband and father with the utmost sincerity and seriousness.

I thank all of you for weighing in and providing your thoughts and concerns.

Please pray for me and my family as I will pray for all of you.

Thank you again, and God Bless.

😄
 
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