HATE my living situation..help

[Mr_Fausto]

Not sure if this is right place to post but here I go,

I’m 19 and have been living independently in my own home for about a year. Until year recently I have not been so independent because of some stupid financial booboos, and my mother had been always asking me to pay her bills…(I didn’t think I could exactly let them just turn off her utilities) and I have been usually making the payments on her house. Recently after a visit from my grandfather, I decided that maybe I could save some money moving to my mother’s house for a little while (which is also in my name anyway and was, im memory, my late father’s house)…what novel idea . Well after a little cheer from mum and an extra spoiling, tucking in, etc.,…being here has not only reminded me of why I left in such a haste in the first place, but has become a situation I absolutely HATE. To begin with, she is living in adultery (not just cohabitation, but with some divorcee she may as well have picked off the back alley street, blind and bloated who never does ANYTHING AT ALL…) and in my father’s old house and in my father’s old room!!, with some guy half her age, who knows no English, isn’t even a citizen, and has NOTHING, absolutely nothing and does ABSOLUTELY nothing (except maybe lay down all day listening to his sad sports…). my opinions of this are cast off as juvenile and judgemental, while she insists I have some sort of sexual identity crisis (What the bleedin’ flip!!! )…but of course she’s not judgemental oh no…apparently I have more responsibility for sins I’ve never committed than she is for sins that she openly commits and defends. Except when in some rare moment, she acts spiteful and demanding, wanting me to conform exactly to her ways, fulfil any silly chore she can find, and while there are times where there are “legitimate” chores to ‘find’, she seems to demand I work and clean house and act as if I totally still depend on her (despite the fact I pay for about anything she doesn’t get paid for by the government, and often reminds in a not-so grateful way “Be careful with the water, YOU’RE paying it!”). She insists on my selling my own house (which I retain but have shut off the utilities for now) and just giving her the bulk of the proceeds and is getting others in the family to egg me on. Meanwhile of course, her illegitimate divorced lover continues to loaf around…in the same bed…forever…then she uses this as an excuse in one of her sad attempts to get her foolish son (me…) to bestow upon her sin my own imprimatur. He’s never egged on and we are have to be EXTREMELY careful (pbuh) that none of his feelings are hurt…oh no God forbid. Meanwhile, so much of her love, if there is any truly indeed for me, seems so superficial or at least not in first place (of which I am not demanding to be in, but she claims I am there), despite the fact she often derides my own feelings while scolding me for not caring for other’s feelings (namely her and her lover because I won’t bestow my approval of adultery to her). Now to top this all off, she’s borderline insane and has been institutionalised before. She is not a well person…and often, not with anyone else of course…likes to display this side of her, often but going in little psychotic fits where she’ll pretend to hurt herself and threaten suicide…no, she doesn’t do this with anyone else…just me…she then later defends it as some spontaneous breakdown…though the whole thing seems orchestrated.

Sorry for the rant, but I’m just desperate but I feel like living in my house…with the lights and water off…eating the dust collecting on the furniture…sounds like a novel and luxuriously improved way of living than this current situation…I don’t know what to do…I want to leave but this madwoman I’m obliged to call mother is pushing my limits! …and of course she’ll threaten me with another little psychotic fit (I recall a time when I still lived at home I called the police after she started breaking things and smashing a chair)…and I’m afraid to those things such as anger and resentment, which are building not only as she shoves me over the edge, but as the memories all those psycho insensitive moments are coming back to haunt me. Thank you anyone in advance for you help and prayers!

 

[noclevername]

I went through something similar to you when I was younger. My mother made me give her all the money I made because she couldn’t afford to live. She was addicted to a lot of drugs. I finally had to just move out and cut her off. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but it was for the best. She learned to survive without me.

Since you hvae a place to go, just go. Why are you staying?

 

[Trishie]

I ask God to heal your spirit and to help you extricate from this unhealthy situation. God grant you wisdom and serenity in seeking His wishes and graces for your life.

I ask God’s help for your mother’s life and spirit

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I ask God to heal your spirit and to help you extricate from this unhealthy situation. God grant you wisdom and serenity in seeking His wishes and graces for your life.

I ask God’s help for your mother’s life and spirit

What she said

We can’t tell you what to do, we can only tell you what we think we would do in a similar situation…and once in that situation we may not do what we thought we would.
**
But I can tell you that you can be faithful to the Commandment to honor your mother without doing what you are currently doing.**

 

[BamaRider]

???

I’d go rent a room in boarding house or whatever, anyway, secure ME a place to stay.

Then I’d jump in the car and head over to momma’s.

I’d get the live in up outta the bed, call mother in, and tell them “this place is a nut house and I’m bailing, along with MY paycheck”. Tell your mother you still love her, and tell the live in he’s worthless.

Leave the power bill on the table, “better take care of this or they will turn off the lights.”

Then I’d take a look at the stuff I was doing in the past, figure out how to avoid it in the future, and go live my life. You’re 19, now what kinda young lady would wanna sign up for all that baggage you got at the house?? That should motivate ya enough to make some changes. You can’t blame ALL this on your mother.

And that’s what I’d do.

 

[John_Walsh]

Find another place for yourself. If you don’t want the place to go to sheriff’s sale, pay taxes & homeowner’s insurance.

Pray often for your mom. Keep in touch, be kind. Let her pay the bills or let the lights/water/cable go out. You didn’t mention age or mobility in regard to ability to work.

 

[Eucharisted]

Pray, pray, pray and ask all the saints to pray for you. Put your trust in God!

 

[Arlene]

Wow. You are 19 and are able to support two households? You must be doing something right!!

Time for some tough love with Mommy Dearest. If it was me, I’d move back to my own home, taking with me any of the belongings/ keepsakes from your mom’s house to safeguard against a tantrum.

Since her house is in your name, I suppose the utilities are also?
Tell her, Mom, as of xxx date, I will be taking the utilites out of my name. I suggest you and lovey make arrangements to have them turned over to your names so there won’t be any interruption in service.

Tell her you will no longer be covering her bills. If she is unable to afford to live there, and lovey is unable/unwilling to make a contribuition, then maybe they need to find a place they can afford.

There is taking care of your parents, and there is being taken for a sucker. Pray for her, maybe help her look for resources to help herself, but I would get out of the craziness ASAP.

 

[puzzleannie]

well when I was living at home after HS graduation I was expected to contribute a significant part of my paycheck to the family. My dad was laid off (8 months before retirement, so no pension after 30 years), my mom had just taken a PT job, still had 4 younger brothers and sisters in school. For that matter, I contributed to the family income with most of anything I earned when I started working (8th grade), so did the rest of us.

When my kids lived at home at various times after HS graduation they also were expected to contribute, we gave each of them a bill to be responsible for, as part of their education, and financial discipline even though we were a bit better off. As long as they were saving for college we lightened up on that a bit. When they dropped out of college and came home, as 2 of them did, they paid for the privilege of living there.

they also lived by our rules while in our home–Mass on Sunday, reasonable curfew etc.

If my grandchild came and posed the question to me as OP has done I would do all in my power to assist him in finding a job and being responsible for his own life. I’m sure that there is a lot of OP’s backstory I am missing since it is so hard to read and would do my best to get a better picture in conversation. I would also assist an adult child dealing with a parent who has their own difficiculties to get counselling re enabling misbehavior. There is a limit on how much family members can help each other, and a time when bailing them out of their own mess does more harm than good.

 

[Mr_Fausto]

???

I’d go rent a room in boarding house or whatever, anyway, secure ME a place to stay.

Then I’d jump in the car and head over to momma’s.

I’d get the live in up outta the bed, call mother in, and tell them “this place is a nut house and I’m bailing, along with MY paycheck”. Tell your mother you still love her, and tell the live in he’s worthless.

Leave the power bill on the table, “better take care of this or they will turn off the lights.”

Then I’d take a look at the stuff I was doing in the past, figure out how to avoid it in the future, and go live my life. You’re 19, now what kinda young lady would wanna sign up for all that baggage you got at the house?? That should motivate ya enough to make some changes. You can’t blame ALL this on your mother.

And that’s what I’d do.

I’d love to tell the live-in that…but then I’d be the mean one (I’m already the judgemental, bitter evil one in my family…so she’d like me to be known as…she says she stills loves me but she is insane!)

 

[Mr_Fausto]

:

Find another place for yourself. If you don’t want the place to go to sheriff’s sale, pay taxes & homeowner’s insurance.

Pray often for your mom. Keep in touch, be kind. Let her pay the bills or let the lights/water/cable go out. You didn’t mention age or mobility in regard to ability to work.

NO! That’s what they do to my house? Property taxes must be some sort of sick Marxist invention…

She’s 40-something and just had a new baby (from this joke of a union,but nevertheless the baby is irresponsible of her mother’s mistakes.) She is a little off the deep end sometimes and will throw tantrums too. But I moved in to save money and if I don’t pay her bills the whole family will won’t stand for it…otherwise I’m unkind, horrible and irresponsible.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Property tax laws are NOT all the same all over the US and Canada, so please don’t take any legal advice here without consulting an attorney.

It is not your place at this time to worry about anybody but yourself and securing a place to live at this point. You NEVER are obligated to help others without first taking care of your own situation.

If Mom loses the house, her live-in and she can always go to the shelter. You can be a good Christian by finding them an open shelter, or even perhaps driving them there. They do not have to move into your new place. If the lights go out, maybe the two of them will figure out how to pay them. They can always go to Catholic Charities, a county or state or province human resources place, or other charitable organization, and you can help them find one. Ditto the water. If they have no food and you have the means, you can of course by them beans, rice, or other food that is nutritious. It does not mean you eat dog food while you buy them filet mignon. If you do not have the means to help them, you can help them apply for assistance such as SNAP (food stamps) or what have you in other countries.

It doesn’t matter what they think of you. I know it hurts, but they are using you.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

:

if I don’t pay her bills the whole family will won’t stand for it…otherwise I’m unkind, horrible and irresponsible.

NO, big distinction… they will accuse you of being unkind, horrible and irresponsible. Just because they say it doesn’t make it true.

We have a responsibility to help our aging parents in their NEEDS, not cater to their wishes, desires, and immorality.

And I bet the rest of the family would come down on you hard if you decided to stop supporting your mother’s insanity because then it would mean one of them would feel obligated to step in and fill your shoes or risk looking like the “bad” guy.

You have an obligation to yourself here too. You get to live your life and make your own decisions…it’s part of becoming an adult.

I say cut your losses and let mom and “boyfriend” fend for themselves. I am very sad to know that an innocent baby has now been brought into this but hopefully they will step up and meet their obligations if no one is around to do it for them and enable bad behavior anymore.

 

[John_Walsh]

Mr. Fausto did mention in opening thread that he was co-owner of the house. With one party behaving in an irrational way, unless he doesn’t mind losing the place for back taxes, if he is interested in keeping long term, he would do well to pay the taxes.

To guard against liability that could effect his future, he would also do well to keep homeowner’s insurance in force.

 

[mschrank]

Move out. That’s all I can say. For some reason, in western culture, extended family living situations (i.e., more than one generation of adults living in the same house) doesn’t work. I know it’s common in most places in the world except for the west, but it doesn’t work for us.

So much stress is removed by moving out. Everything will get better once you do but there is no easy way out of your situation save for moving out.

 

[monicatholic]

so your choices are:

stay and be a mid-level family hero to aid and abet dysfunction

***or ***

leave and be considered the family lunk

???

choose lunk, mr fausto. choose lunk. get free and and get a lawyer.

BamaRiders respnse may have made you laugh, but comedy aside, he’s right as rain. pray for your baby half-sibling. and keep an eye our for her well being.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

**
We have a responsibility to help our aging parents in their NEEDS, not cater to their wishes, desires, and immorality.
**

Good advice Malia- except forty-ish is not aging. This person and her live-in can certainly go out and fend for themselves.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

choose lunk, mr fausto. choose lunk. get free and and get a lawyer. I concur. A lunk is good in this situation. And a lawyer is of importance.

BamaRiders respnse may have made you laugh, but comedy aside, he’s right as rain. pray for your baby half-sibling. and keep an eye our for her well being.

 

[jams002]

I say cut your losses and let mom and “boyfriend” fend for themselves. I am very sad to know that an innocent baby has now been brought into this but hopefully they will step up and meet their obligations if no one is around to do it for them and enable bad behavior anymore.If Mom loses the house, her live-in and she can always go to the shelter. You can be a good Christian by finding them an open shelter, or even perhaps driving them there. They do not have to move into your new place. If the lights go out, maybe the two of them will figure out how to pay them. They can always go to Catholic Charities, a county or state or province human resources place, or other charitable organization, and you can help them find one. Ditto the water. If they have no food and you have the means, you can of course by them beans, rice, or other food that is nutritious. It does not mean you eat dog food while you buy them filet mignon. If you do not have the means to help them, you can help them apply for assistance such as SNAP (food stamps) or what have you in other countries.

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Great thing to know about busby seo test.

 

[juno24]

I’d love to tell the live-in that…but then I’d be the mean one (I’m already the judgemental, bitter evil one in my family…so she’d like me to be known as…she says she stills loves me but she is insane!)

:
But I moved in to save money and if I don’t pay her bills the whole family will won’t stand for it…otherwise I’m unkind, horrible and irresponsible.

Seriously, Mr. Fausto, why do you care what the rest of your family thinks of you regarding this situation? Especially since you are already considered to be mean, evil, bitter, etc. What they think should have no bearing on you doing what is necessary or right.

If you truly believe your mother is mentally ill, then you may want to consider legal proceedings to gain guardianship or power of attorney over her personal and business affairs (no pun intended). That way, you would be able to honor her as is your duty without worrying that she will be tossed out on the street for not paying the bills.
If she is not mentally ill then you do need to consider how much you are willing to take from her. You may want to consider selling the house she is living in and putting her up in a small apartment. That way, at least, when the rent is paid, so are the utilities, and you don’t worry about property tax and home owners insurance. Tell her that you will pay 1st, last and maybe a couple of months rent, then she and the boyfriend are on their own. If she is on welfare or other public aid, she may also qualify for Section 8 housing.
There are all sorts of avenues you can go down. My suggestion would be to first consult an attorney to find out exactly what your standing is.
In the meantime, move back to your own home. If the baby needs things (diapers, food, whatever) you can help provide that. If there is a danger to the child because of your mother and her boyfriend’s irresponsibility, then notify the child protection agency in your state.

I pray that you gain the wisdom and courage to do whatever may be necessary to help your mother and sister, and to be at peace yourself.