B
Byzcat
Guest
A bit of history.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety off and on my entire adult life. I have also had a lot of social difficulties that have resulted in me being fired from so many jobs I have lost count. I feel that people expect me to read their minds and just somehow know that something I’m doing is causing a problem or is offensive to them without their telling me. I follow the “golden rule” of doing to others as I would want them to do to me, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I have been accused of being rude or sarcastic to people when I was going out of my way to be courteous and helpful. I have been falsely accused of being drunk on the job, and also falsely accused of sexual harassment by a man I had never behaved in any sexual way toward. My therapist (a marriage/family counsellor) thinks I may have Asperger’s Syndrome, but she is not a psychologist or psychiatrist, so she really couldn’t provide a diagnosis.
Anyway, after a couple of years of being self-employed as a massage therapist, I finally had a complete breakdown. I was renting a room in an establishment owned by one of my instructors in massage school. He had said that he provided all the advertising, which was part of what the room rent paid for, but that turned out not to be the case. After luring people in with promises of advertising and a large clientele, he denies he ever made that promise, and he expects people to do their own advertising- with what money, I don’t know.
What finally triggered the breakdown was that I caught him in three verifiable lies in the space of a phone conversation that lasted less than five minutes, plus he made two other statements that simply didn’t pass the “smell test”. I had been becoming increasingly depressed for several months, and this was just the final straw. I started having panic attacks and crying jags to the point that I was no longer able to function.
I applied for a job in a department store, and had a panic attack on the bus on the way to the interview. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job, being as how I was on the edge of tears and all.
I live with my mother, and she has been supporting me. I’m getting food stamps, so I’m at least able to contribute groceries, but I feel that at this stage, I should be supporting her, not the other way around. Which, of course, feeds into my depression. I’m feeling worthless right now, like I have no purpose in life.
I have been on several different medications over the years, including Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil and Trazodone. They either have not helped me, or have had side effects so severe that they were as disabling as the depression and anxiety. I also went for treatment at Southern Nevada Mental Health Services- actually ended up in worse shape than when I started. I received no treatment aside from medication- they just kept taking my same initial history over and over again. I was prescribed Paxil, which made my anxiety worse, and hydroxizine, which made me ill. The doctor took me off the hydroxizine, cut my Paxil and prescribed Trazodone, which helped with the anxiety, but the combination made me so light sensitive that just going outside for fifteen minutes or so would leave me in bed sick for the entire next day. One doctor wanted to increase the dosage of my Paxil, even though I had told her that I was doing much better emotionally, but was experiencing severe side effects. She increased my Trazodone without my knowledge- I found out when I got the prescription bottle home that she had prescribed 100 mg tablets instead of the 50 I had been prescribed previously. I was upset by the lack of appropriate treatment, and it seemed like she wanted to medicate me to the point that I couldn’t even feel normal emotions. She didn’t even care that the medication was making me sick.
So, after months of resisting the idea, I finally applied for Social Security Disability. I figure, if nothing else, I would be able to get Medicaid and find a good doctor who could prescribe medication, and buy myself some time while I work with my therapist (a wonderful Christian lady- the doctors at Mental Health were very dismissive of my religious beliefs) and hopefully find a medication that will help my depression and anxiety without having the side effects. Also, there is a psychiatric nurse practitioner who works in the same office suite who could monitor my medication.
My appointment with the disability doctor is tomorrow morning.
So, please pray for me. I’m at the end of my rope. I have been without health insurance for seven years now, and being able to receive SSD is probably my only chance at getting proper treatment and getting better. I’m also getting tired of living off my mother. I’ve been praying to the Blessed Mother, and also reciting the Litany to St. Dymphna semi-regularly for the last couple of months- usually when I’m feeling particularly bad.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety off and on my entire adult life. I have also had a lot of social difficulties that have resulted in me being fired from so many jobs I have lost count. I feel that people expect me to read their minds and just somehow know that something I’m doing is causing a problem or is offensive to them without their telling me. I follow the “golden rule” of doing to others as I would want them to do to me, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I have been accused of being rude or sarcastic to people when I was going out of my way to be courteous and helpful. I have been falsely accused of being drunk on the job, and also falsely accused of sexual harassment by a man I had never behaved in any sexual way toward. My therapist (a marriage/family counsellor) thinks I may have Asperger’s Syndrome, but she is not a psychologist or psychiatrist, so she really couldn’t provide a diagnosis.
Anyway, after a couple of years of being self-employed as a massage therapist, I finally had a complete breakdown. I was renting a room in an establishment owned by one of my instructors in massage school. He had said that he provided all the advertising, which was part of what the room rent paid for, but that turned out not to be the case. After luring people in with promises of advertising and a large clientele, he denies he ever made that promise, and he expects people to do their own advertising- with what money, I don’t know.
What finally triggered the breakdown was that I caught him in three verifiable lies in the space of a phone conversation that lasted less than five minutes, plus he made two other statements that simply didn’t pass the “smell test”. I had been becoming increasingly depressed for several months, and this was just the final straw. I started having panic attacks and crying jags to the point that I was no longer able to function.
I applied for a job in a department store, and had a panic attack on the bus on the way to the interview. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job, being as how I was on the edge of tears and all.
I live with my mother, and she has been supporting me. I’m getting food stamps, so I’m at least able to contribute groceries, but I feel that at this stage, I should be supporting her, not the other way around. Which, of course, feeds into my depression. I’m feeling worthless right now, like I have no purpose in life.
I have been on several different medications over the years, including Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil and Trazodone. They either have not helped me, or have had side effects so severe that they were as disabling as the depression and anxiety. I also went for treatment at Southern Nevada Mental Health Services- actually ended up in worse shape than when I started. I received no treatment aside from medication- they just kept taking my same initial history over and over again. I was prescribed Paxil, which made my anxiety worse, and hydroxizine, which made me ill. The doctor took me off the hydroxizine, cut my Paxil and prescribed Trazodone, which helped with the anxiety, but the combination made me so light sensitive that just going outside for fifteen minutes or so would leave me in bed sick for the entire next day. One doctor wanted to increase the dosage of my Paxil, even though I had told her that I was doing much better emotionally, but was experiencing severe side effects. She increased my Trazodone without my knowledge- I found out when I got the prescription bottle home that she had prescribed 100 mg tablets instead of the 50 I had been prescribed previously. I was upset by the lack of appropriate treatment, and it seemed like she wanted to medicate me to the point that I couldn’t even feel normal emotions. She didn’t even care that the medication was making me sick.
So, after months of resisting the idea, I finally applied for Social Security Disability. I figure, if nothing else, I would be able to get Medicaid and find a good doctor who could prescribe medication, and buy myself some time while I work with my therapist (a wonderful Christian lady- the doctors at Mental Health were very dismissive of my religious beliefs) and hopefully find a medication that will help my depression and anxiety without having the side effects. Also, there is a psychiatric nurse practitioner who works in the same office suite who could monitor my medication.
My appointment with the disability doctor is tomorrow morning.
So, please pray for me. I’m at the end of my rope. I have been without health insurance for seven years now, and being able to receive SSD is probably my only chance at getting proper treatment and getting better. I’m also getting tired of living off my mother. I’ve been praying to the Blessed Mother, and also reciting the Litany to St. Dymphna semi-regularly for the last couple of months- usually when I’m feeling particularly bad.