Have Feelings as a Friend Not as a Spouse

[mkeawsh]

I have serious trust issues with my husband (not the cheating kind) for most of our 35 years of marriage. If you have ever seen Everybody Loves Raymond and his mother, that is my mother in-law EXACTLY. Never have/had any support from my husband and he would actually go lay in bed or get in the car and drive away for a while if I asked him to help me with his mother. I will approach him (not attack) about lying to me or hiding things from me (this involves multiple issues) and he will tell me that I have mental problems etc. When he finally admits to them (because I show him proof), he’s sorry but the trust never comes back fully and so to cope, my feelings for him - for the sake of my own emotional and mental health - are shut down as a spouse. We are very good together doing activities around the house, repairing, dealing with the livestock, watching old shows, having fun with kids and grand kids etc - like best friends - but I have no interest in having intercourse. Out of respect, I can not look at him when he is changing clothes because it makes me uncomfortable since my feelings are not as a spouse.

He does not feel this way, loves me totally and fully and does not know what is wrong, why I don’t want to have sex with him and is hurting. I don’t know how to tell him. He’s a good guy and we have a blast together as friends. ** I just want to be spouses again**, not friends. I don’t know how to get the feeling back and any little bit of trust.

There are many more trust issues but then I would be writing a book here.

I pray to Mary for help every day.

 

[Bonnie]

Sounds a lot like my marriage. Have you tried any kind of couples counseling? My husband finally agreed that counseling might help our relationship, we’ve just got to come up with the money & time for it.

 

[fastenatingguy]

I have watched that show (and laughed), and while I am not “Raymond”, my mother was a lot like “Marie.” Especially so in how she treated my wife, who resented most of it, even though my wife understood where my mom was coming from.

My parents did not live across the street, but less than a mile away. My wife was happiest when she had a job and didn’t have to deal with my mother. But when she had our two children and stayed home for six months each time, my mother was a frequent visitor. This drove my wife nuts–but not as much as when I would agree with my mother.

I didn’t realize that my wife wanted my support ALL the time in reference to my mother. I’m the kind who says “pick your battles” and let my mother have her way on what I considered the little things. My wife didn’t see things that way, and eventually said “I’ve replaced you.”

So for the last fourteen years we have had a completely loveless marriage. She hasn’t spoken to me in twelve. My parents are long since deceased. The point is to save your marriage, you need to communicate and explain everything to him. Men aren’t dumb, but we are men. You have to find a way or you’ll end up like me.

 

[Bonnie]

So for the last fourteen years we have had a completely loveless marriage. She hasn’t spoken to me in twelve.

In the past 14 years have you just let things slide? Or have you done things to show your wife - in ways SHE can understand - that you love her? I just read “The DNA of Relationships” by Gary Smalley. You need that book!

 

[fastenatingguy]

In the past 14 years have you just let things slide? Or have you done things to show your wife - in ways SHE can understand - that you love her? I just read “The DNA of Relationships” by Gary Smalley. You need that book!

Tried everything that I could think of. She just said “I have replaced you” and had no desire to go to counseling or anything. She has nothing to say to me. She treats me like dirt on her shoes.She immersed herself in her home based business, found new friends (all related to business), etc. Completely ignores me. She turned away from the Church seven years ago, and it got worse after her mother died three years ago. I pray for her daily. Don’t know what else to do. Hope that God will soften her heart at some point.

 

[mkeawsh]

Sounds a lot like my marriage. Have you tried any kind of couples counseling? My husband finally agreed that counseling might help our relationship, we’ve just got to come up with the money & time for it.

My daughter and I were discussing that alternative yesterday and money is the issue.

 

[ahs]

Sounds to me like you would LOVE the book “Boundaries” by Drs Cloud and Townsend. (You can find it at most libraries, or used for vey cheap, or new.) I believe it will be helpful in your situation and show you exactly how to address your issues. You might also want to invite your husband to couple’s counseling with a Christian counselor. (You can even find Catholic counselors in many areas.)

 

[ahs]

… he’s sorry but the trust never comes back fully and so to cope, my feelings for him - for the sake of my own emotional and mental health - are shut down as a spouse…He does not feel this way, loves me totally and fully and does not know what is wrong, why I don’t want to have sex with him and is hurting.

…I don’t know how to get the feeling back and any little bit of trust.

Just to address some of this specifically: You already know why you don’t have the “feelings” there anymore. It’s becuase, “the trust never comes back fully and so to cope, my feelings for him -* for the sake of my own emotional and mental health** - are shut down as a spouse*”.

So, just glaening the surface here, the way to get the feelings back is to know that you can trust him. The question is HOW? The answer is, “you can only do what YOU are responsible for…HE must do his part…”

“But how do I get him to do his part?” The answer is, “you can’t”. You can only control your own actions, not his. However, you can have SOME affect on his choices here…by setting proper boundaries, and sticking to them.

I sincerely believe that the book I recommeded will help you tremendously…as well as counseling.

Prayers for you two!

 

[Abundant]

I’m going to ask something and you don’t have to answer, but are you using birth control? Sounds irrelevant, I know. BUT I know someone who was going through something VERY similar to what you are going through. She liked her husband, loved him, he was a great guy, etc., etc. but was not attracted to him and did not want to be intimate with him. She couldn’t figure out why. Then she stopped using birth control. She realized that it had changed her hormones/sex drive and had put a wedge between them. Once they started NFP, they were bonded in a more intimate way and her attraction came back.

Again, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to and I know it seems ‘off topic,’ but I just thought I would toss it out there…

 

[mkeawsh]

I’m going to ask something and you don’t have to answer, but are you using birth control? Sounds irrelevant, I know. BUT I know someone who was going through something VERY similar to what you are going through. She liked her husband, loved him, he was a great guy, etc., etc. but was not attracted to him and did not want to be intimate with him. She couldn’t figure out why. Then she stopped using birth control. She realized that it had changed her hormones/sex drive and had put a wedge between them. Once they started NFP, they were bonded in a more intimate way and her attraction came back.

Again, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to and I know it seems ‘off topic,’ but I just thought I would toss it out there…

No problem. Never been on birth control of any kind. The Lord knows whats best. Past menopause at 56 anyway. NFP is the way to go. My daughter and son in-law now doing NFP.

There are a many different trust issues and my priest said just to trust him to the best of my ability. That I can not do any more than that except counseling which the good people that have post here have suggested. I know a good Catholic counselor that was actually in the seminary before realizing the Lord needed him helping others in a different capacity.

Thank you for your concern.

 

[mommamaree]

The trust issues you describe would absolutely cause me to shut down as well. I am not able to feel safe being vulnerable with someone who would lie to me to avoid having to talk about uncomfortable things. How could you feel safe being vulnerable in the marital act if you know your spouse is not trustworthy?
I have no advice, only sympathy to offer. I am thankful that my husband has grown to understand me better and better over the years and knows that absolute honesty about everything is the only way to make me feel safe. Maybe if you try again to explain this need to your husband, he will begin to understand you. This is really so important. Physical attraction for a wife is typically very dependent on how much she perceives her husband to be a safe person for her to be vulnerable with. Right now, you do not trust him and do not feel attracted to him as a result, and he probably has no idea and does not understand why. Try to help him understand, and approach it from the perspective that you want to deepen your intimacy. I guess I did have some little bit of advice after all.