Have I forgiven?

[unikvic]

I have a little,which could prove big,problem which I need advice on.And each and every time I say The Lord’s prayer I’m kind of unsure of myself whenever I get to …Forgive us how trespasses as we forgive those who sinned against us…Why?
I have an issue with my father who had left me since childhood only to resurface about 7 years ago(through my mother’s effort) and the fellow couldn’t even apologise for the past(all I’ve lacked while he tarried with his second wife and kid),probably thinking I was too young(15) or something to be apologised to,and up to this day,he has refused to apologise and it’s like he even thinks I’m begging him to come and be my father again.If not for my mother I’d have nothing to do with him.
The father-son bonding does not even seem to be there,whenever I’m in his company(which is very rear) I feel like I’m in a prison and stuff.I believe that I’ve
forgiven him for the past but I don’t want to have anything to do with him because I feel he still takes me for granted.
And I wonder,have I truly forgiven?

 

[Scottgun]

It seems to me there are two senses of forgiveness–there is the forgiveness that one gives when an offender asks for it out of contrition, and then there is the kind of forgiveness you do personally so that the offender and the offense doesn’t reside in your heart and make it hard against others. Your description sounds like it calls for the latter. Naturally you wouldn’t go up to an unrepentant offender and say, “I forgive you.” Because he will shoot back, quite appropriately, “Go jump in a lake! I have done nothing that requires forgiveness.”

It seems that simply praying to God, “Forgive him, for he knows not what he does”, would be sufficient to satisfy the prayer in Our Father.

 

[ErichsGurl2]

I have a little,which could prove big,problem which I need advice on.And each and every time I say The Lord’s prayer I’m kind of unsure of myself whenever I get to …Forgive us how trespasses as we forgive those who sinned against us…Why?
I have an issue with my father who had left me since childhood only to resurface about 7 years ago(through my mother’s effort) and the fellow couldn’t even apologise for the past(all I’ve lacked while he tarried with his second wife and kid),probably thinking I was too young(15) or something to be apologised to,and up to this day,he has refused to apologise and it’s like he even thinks I’m begging him to come and be my father again.If not for my mother I’d have nothing to do with him.
The father-son bonding does not even seem to be there,whenever I’m in his company(which is very rear) I feel like I’m in a prison and stuff.I believe that I’ve
forgiven him for the past but I don’t want to have anything to do with him because I feel he still takes me for granted.
And I wonder,have I truly forgiven?

It doesn’t sound like you have. I can identify with the pain this caused you as a child all the way into adulthood. But forgiveness doesn’t have to mean he says he’s sorry. Forgiving him has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. It is a very healing realization to come to. He will probably never apologize to you, and that is probably something you will have to deal with sooner or later…I think it’s easier to forgive someone by accepting them as they are and realizing that they can do no better than they already have. Think of yourself as the bigger person and let go. You don’t have to tell him you’ve forgiven him as long as you feel it in your heart, although telling him might spark something in his mind and he may apologize then. Don’t leave it up to the people who have hurt you to feel bad about what they’ve done, most never will because they justify their actions in their own minds. Forgiveness is healing…my prayers are with you in your situation.

 

[3GirlsRUs]

I have been struggling regarding my relationshipo with my father because of divorce when I was younger…I had been having a really hard time this past year. HOwever, the other morning I was flipped over to CAtholic Radio on my way to work and Rosalyn (sp?) Moss was speaking over the airwaves…one of her talks. Anyway, she was talking about forgiveness.

She was saying that just because you forgive someone does not mean the hurt and pain go away. She said if we remember that the Resurrected Christ appeared to his apostles and he still had the wounds from His Crucifixion. She said, YOu see…Christ still forgave all of our sins, but the wounds remained.

She went on to say that when we forgive even though we still hurt…we are giving a most perfect forgiveness because this is how Christ forgives.

I was so taken with this…I mean, it really helped me feel better almost instantly and I remind myself each time I begin to think about my Dad and everything…I remember that I have forgiven him…and yes it still hurts…and no, we’ll never have the relationship we could have had…but all is forgiven and we have moved on. I hope that will help.

 

[John_Hiner]

Recently, I had someone do something that **really **hurt me. I know I need to forgive them and move on. I really never plan on talking to or seeing this person ever (I’ve actually never seen or talked to this person BEFORE, so never again isn’t that big of a deal - long story, one I don’t want to talk about).

When I forgive them, am I obligated to let them know that I forgive them?

Laudatur Iesus Christus.

Dear RascalJones:

Has this person asked for forgiveness? Do you intend to reconcile with him?

I am interested in this question of forgiveness, because I often do not know what people mean by it when they talk about it. Often the theories that one hears expressed seem to have little to do with Confession or the lessons the Sacrament teaches about forgiveness.

Generally there seem to be two types of things that are loosely referred to by the word “forgiveness.” The first is the willingness to settle with and suffer with one’s brother when he asks for forgiveness. This is difficult and requires work from both parties, the penitent and the person giving mercy. This seems to be the sort of forgiveness that is referred to when the Lord tells St. Peter:

Then came Peter unto him and said: Lord, how often shall my brother offend against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith to him: I say not to thee, till seven times; but till seventy times seven times. (Mt 18:21-22.)

And when He said to the disciples:

Take heed to yourselves. If thy brother sin against thee, reprove him: and if he do penance, forgive him. And if he sin against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day be converted unto thee, saying, I repent; forgive him. (Lk 17:3-4.)

This form of forgiveness is for “brothers,” those who are within the Body of Christ or those with whom we hope to reconcile. For this, which is the sort of forgiveness available in Confession, one needs both repentance and to do penance – the work it takes to reconcile and heal the breach between the two persons. This form of forgiveness has two goals: internal purity and reconciliation between the two parties. It includes a willingness of the merciful one to suffer with the person who seeks forgiveness.

There is another sort of forgiveness which seems to be reflected in the Savior’s saying:

“Let the dead bury their dead,” (Mt 8:22; Lk 9:60).

This form of forgiveness is not for “brothers” but for the “dead.” This does not lead to reconciliation; its only goal is the purity of the heart of the forgiving one – a sort of disentanglement from the pain and emotions that a non-brother might cause.

In the first form of forgiveness, one must communicate with the person forgiven – otherwise reconciliation is impossible – or superficial to the point of being meaningless.

In the second form of forgiveness, communication is ill-advised and often impossible.

If the person is a member of the Church – that is baptized – then the second form of forgiveness, “just letting it go,” may not be an option. The procedures of Matthew 18:15-17 may require that one go to the person one-on-one, and if that fails, try a second time to reconcile with the help of others, and finally to take him to the Church, before being authorized to “just let him go” as though he were not a member of the Body of Christ.

These requirements are often uncomfortable, but if they are followed, then real connection and intimacy is possible among the members of the Church. Sadly, people often neglect these commands of the Lord; and people grow alienated and more silently hostile, contrary to the authentic affection and love, which is the “peace of Christ” and the will of the Lord.

Pax Christi nobiscum.

John Hiner