Have I hurt God too Badly? I cry over this daily because I want to feel his love and presence once more

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I had a fight for two years on masturbation and pornography, a few months ago I’d repent and feel God’s love until I relapsed and repented again. I’ve been free from this sin for 3 weeks (that’s long for me) and I changed my ways. I repented, no longer lust, have sexual fantasies, masturbate, and watch pornography. I pray multiple times a day and had a strong relationship with God until the last time I masturbated 3 weeks ago. After that I no longer felt this presence or love. I repented multiple times for this sin. I even wrote a heartfelt poem about how I sinned to God and gave into Satan’s temptation and I prayed it him. I even had the self control to not dabble with sexual sin again, which I could never do before. I started reading the Bible in hopes of God letting me feel his presence and love once again. I love him with all my heart ,and I cry over my sins and how I can no longer feel his presence or love. I never gave up praying or believing. I’m dedicating most of my day to repenting and do research on how I can fix this. What can I do? I prayed and asked God to help me find any sins I have not named, but I still cannot feel him. I live with my parents and I cannot drive and don’t have access to a church until we all go for Christmas. I really don’t want to wait that long to go to confession. I’m considering going next time I have Sunday School and asking if I can go to confession… I believe that there are no set hours to go to Confession. Will going to Church make me feel his presence again? Will confession erase this sin completely and make me feel his love and presence again? I’m desperately trying to solve this issue and I cannot stop crying about this often. I need advice because this is hurting me. Please…
 
We are told not to rely on feelings because feelings lie to us. Consolations are nice but they are not promised.

Trust that God is faithful. If you have gone to Confession, the priest pronounced the words and you can take that to the bank - it does not matter one bit if you feel better.

In fact, we do our fellow Catholics a disservice when we say “after Confession you will feel brand new!”. I’ve been Catholic for a long time and I’ve made many confessions.

How many times have I left the box feeling brand new or walking on a cloud or weightless or clean? Once.
 
TheLittleLady, I really appreciate your reply. I read once article earlier today that feelings do lie to us and we have to trust what the Bible says. The Bible says God will never abandon anyone. I know that he is here with me, but he is not letting me feel him or his love. I believe I’m trying a lot to get things back to how they used to be, so must I wait it out? I know that God punishes his children for doing wrong. Is there anything else I can try to do? I read some of your answers on his forum and you really know what you’re talking about. I’m sorry if I’m repeating things, I’m dying to figure out a solution to this problem.
 
Kaity,

I suggest that you try and ease up on yourself. You may be experiencing scrupulosity which is driving you. So you masturbated. Ok, go to confession. Talk with your priest about your obsession with repentance. You’re just another human being with human frailties, just like everyone else.

And you may want to seek professional help for your thoughts. They seem quite excessive the way you’re describing them. I empathize with you,

Be gentle with yourself and let God do His job!

Wishing you well,

Stuart
 
Oy Vey! How much damage this idea that if we are “good” then we’ll be walking around in a fuzzy blanket of God’s Love and if we don’t feel that, then we must be out of His Love does…

It would be nice if that were true, but it isn’t.

Saints have written about feeling far from God - it happens.

Go to Confession, do your best, and stop beating yourself up so much.
 
If you need to say it a thousand times per day, say “Jesus, I trust in You”.

There is an excellent spiritual book written by Fr Jacques Phillipe called “Searching For and Maintaining Peace”. That book literally saved my life during the lowest point of my life. You can buy it for Kindle or pick up a used copy online for a few dollars. This is a link to the author’s website, but, the big online places like Amazon carry it. This link also has some good articles by the author

http://www.frjacquesphilippe.com/book/searching-and-maintaining-peace-small-treatise-peace-heart
 
Go to confession as soon as you can. You might have felt that way because “losing” sanctifying grace is always a painful experience 😦 So yes, going to confession will probably make this feel right. Remember God always loves you, it’s not that He stopped because you did something. Our sins separate us rather.

Also, for the future, become aware how you gave into this temptation, so that it doesn’t happen again. See where it starts. Remember that it’s God’s plan to lead you in the right direction. Maybe it was meant for you to fall, so that you can learn and in the future, devil won’t trick you in the same way. Temptation is a complicated subject, usually it’s just best to admit to ourselves that we can’t handle a temptation and ask God for help. Then, God usually handles this for us. When we struggle too much ourselves, and try to battle things on our own, it is bad because we let pride grow, and God can’t help us so the temptations are even worse. Still, every temptation is different, so only you know how it is 🙂

In the right time, you will never again experience such temptations because of the Grace of God. Look forward to that.
 
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First of all my friend; KNOW that God is on your side and there is but 1 unforgivable sin; DENIAL of GOD,

So get to Confession as soon as is possible for YOU.

Here’s an interim solution:

PERFECT CONTRITION. Sorrow for sin arising from perfect love. In perfect contrition the sinner detests sin more than any other evil, because it offends God, who is supremely good and deserving of all human love. Its motive is founded on God’s own personal goodness and not merely his goodness to the sinner or to humanity. This motive, not the intensity of the act and less still the feelings experienced, is what essentially constitutes perfect sorrow. A perfect love of God, which motivates perfect contrition, does not necessarily exclude attachment to venial sin. Venial sin conflicts with a high degree of perfect love of God, but not with the substance of that love. Moreover, in the act of perfect contrition other motives can coexist with the perfect love required. There can be fear or gratitude, or even lesser motives such as self-respect and self-interest, along with the dominant reason for sorrow, which is love for God. Perfect contrition removes the guilt and eternal punishment due to grave sin, even before sacramental absolution. However, a Catholic is obliged to confess his or her grave sins at the earliest opportunity and may not, in normal circumstances, receive Communion before he or she has been absolved by a priest in the sacrament of penance
Fr Hardon’s Catholic Dictionary

One CAN make an act of perfect contrition which truly professes LOVE of God, MORE than the fear of hell. I sense YOU CAN do that and your sins are remitted so long as you make it a priority to get to Confession asap.

As for your problem: pick up one of those plastic rosaries found i n the rear of most churches; have it Blessed and keep in on your person 100 % of the time. Even in the shower and at bed at night. Pray it daily asking for MAry’s help.

God Bless you
PJM
 
I am a recovering masturbation and porn addict. Pray to God daily for strength. His mercy is infinite. Pray for the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Bit by bit, even if you stumble, God will release you from this. He knows it’s difficult. Just keep praying. Focus on God and tell Him you love Him as well. He knows our hearts. He knows we are tempted. But after a time, the temptations will be less frequent. When I am tempted, I pray: “God help me.”

God bless,
Ed
 
You could be entering The Dark Night of the soul. I think St John of the Cross wrote about it.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you are experiencing scruples or are taking your spiritual life too seriously if you are afraid of offending God. Not wanting to offend God is a grace. We should never be casual about offending God even when we commit a venial sin. That being said, Satan does like to make us anxious as a way to take away our peace. As St. Padre Pio said, pray, hope, and don’t worry! 🙂

It is true, feelings lie to us. We can’t always feel God’s love. Just know that He is there watching you and your desire for Him pleases Him.

I recommend reading He and I by Gabrielle Bossis. Venerable Marthe Robin recommended it in her lifetime. It really demonstrates Jesus’s love for each individual soul.
 
MissTherese, when I saw an answer Haynes I may be expirencing scrupulosity, I didn’t believe it. I’ve commited his sin for so long to the point where I broke down and finally realized what I’ve done. I just love God with all my heart, and I’m truely sorry to have offended him. I don’t care about going to hell or the devil, what I care about is God forgiving me and knowing that I regret it and I’m sorry. He saved me a few years ago from my sucidical thoughts and sinful lifestyle, how could I not of felt sorrow because he saved me. I don’t believe I’m over reacting. And now I’m able to go to confession this weekend. I plan on doing it before mass and when I go to confess, what do you think the priest wouldn’t ask me to do? I have no control over going skipping mass or confession, so I don’t know much, but I pray everyday, read the Bible, and try to please God.
 
Thank you for your response Stuart, but I don’t believe that I’m suffering from scrupulosity. I’ve committed this sin for a few years now and suddenly I realized what I actually did to God. I offended him and disappointed him. I first called out rob God at my lowest. I had sucidial thoughts and lived a sinful lifestyle. And when i figured why not pray. If it doesn’t work then I had nothing to lose in the first place. So I prayed and told God my story and asked him to prove his existence. So I finished the prayer and I was hit with God’s love and presence. I started crying and praying again, asking for forgiveness and thanking him for showing me this. Ever since then I’ve been a true follower of Catholicism and believed that God was 100% real, but I got off track with masturbation and pornography. God saved me and still accepted me when I claimed I hated him when I was an atheist. No matter what I did, he didn’t no stop loving me. And my sins certainly broke his heart. After all, these are mortal sins. When committing these sins with full knowledge of what you’re doing, you’re denying God’s love and his beliefs.
 
Thank you so much for a helpful reply! I’m horrible at asking God for help because I think I can do it on my own and make him proud. But, for things like this I can’t. So far, I have urges everyday and it kills me. But never did I go through with it. I had enough of this sin. When the temptation is overbearing, I pray to God and ask him to help me with this temptation. It’s really crazy just how hooked you can get on Masturbation and Pornography just after one session. It’s admirable how you overcame such a strong temptation. I hope overtime that this temptation will fade for good. If you’re okay with telling me, how do you reframe from sexual urges when you’re in a relationship? I’m not very experienced with relationships. Never had my first kiss or anything. My first hug from a guy happened 3 months ago randomly. I want to plan for the future so I know how to deal with it if it happens. Of course, I’d never have sex before marriage.
 
It was easier in a relationship because with pornography you don’t need anyone’s cooperation. In a relationship, you just have to be clear to the other person that you think sex should be for marriage only, when you feel it’s the right time. If the other person is understanding, great, but you have to be careful with making out and stopping before things get too far. Something tells me you understand what I mean.

I can’t take all the credit for getting out of this addiction. You have to show God you have faith and He will give you the strength you need. It is that strength from God after you tell Him you want to stop that makes the difference. And ask for the strength you need when in a relationship too.
 
kaity said:
Thank you so much for a helpful reply! I’m horrible at asking God for help because I think I can do it on my own and make him proud.
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Don’t think like this. The devil gets us in our pride even when we try to do good things. Where in the bible did he say “make me proud now!” Instead he told us to trust Him and believe in Him.
 
Any kind of dependency that involves escaping with pleasure is going to be twice as bad if you are socially isolated. I know it is easy to socialize and simply find sinful behaviors in peers, so it needs to be a top priority to make healthy connections with people that won’t tear you down. A long time ago, in the Roman Empire, practicing Christians used to live in communities together to socially, financially, emotionally, and spiritually support each other. It was generally considered suicide to be adrift by yourself.

Finding those connections is easier said then done, but there you go.
 
kaity said:
I had a fight for two years on masturbation and pornography, a few months ago I’d repent and feel God’s love until I relapsed and repented again.
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Don’t worry, I think I struggle with this too because these are the sins I always fall into! Back then, I had the idea that masturbation is normal because that’s the idea I’ve got from yahoo answers. But now, I am fighting for purity! I really want to be chaste. This is a struggle really by the way. I think it’s because of our hormones if we’re still on teenage stage.
kaity said:
I repented, no longer lust, have sexual fantasies, masturbate, and watch pornography. I pray multiple times a day and had a strong relationship with God until the last time I masturbated 3 weeks ago. After that I no longer felt this presence or love.
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You know, the reason why you had the control because of the Holy Spirit!
“[7] For God hath not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of sobriety.” - 2 Timothy 1: 7

–

It’s good that you pray thrice a day.

I will not quote every thing you said here, but God is always with us and Jesus, as true God and true Man says,

[20] Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and behold “I am with
you all days, even to the consummation of the world.”

If you will use reason and understanding there, Jesus does not say that "I will leave you if you sin."

Remember that the priest in the confessional is always Jesus Christ acting on the priest. Whenever you sin, remember what St. Maximilian Kolbe is saying to those who commit serious sin,

"Whenever you feel guilty, even if it is because you have consciously committed a sin, a serious sin, something you have kept doing many, many times, never let the devil deceive you by allowing him to discourage you. Whenever you feel guilty, offer all your guilt to the Immaculate, without analyzing it or examining it, as something that belongs to her…"
 
Isaiah 54:4 Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;do not be discouraged, for you will not suffer disgrace;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,5 For your Maker is your husband,the Lord of hosts is his name;
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,the God of the whole earth he is called.6 For the Lord has called you
like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit,like the wife of a man’s youth when she is cast off,says your God.
7 For a brief moment I abandoned you,but with great compassion I will gather you.8 In overflowing wrath for a moment I hid my face from you,but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,says the Lord, your Redeemer.

Jeremiah 2:1-8 The word of the Lord came to me, saying: 2 Go and proclaim in the hearing of Jerusalem, Thus says the Lord:I remember the devotion of your youth,your love as a bride,how you followed me in the wilderness,in a land not sown.3 Israel was holy to the Lord,the first fruits of his harvest.
All who ate of it were held guilty;disaster came upon them says the Lord.

God weeps when we sin Jeremiah 13:17 But if you will not listen,my soul will weep in secret for your pride; my eyes will weep bitterly and run down with tears,because the Lord’s flock has been taken captive.
 
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I had the same idea that masturbation was natural and okay. Once I learned that God probits masturbation and lustful sexual thing, I was pretty deep to easily escape. But I’m glad I’m took the time to stop. But now the devil keeps putting random sexual thoughts and images into my head and it frustrates me because I never think of that in my own. Today i feel expessically attacked because I had the urge 4 times today and was able to fight it off with prayer and constantly thinking about the outcomes of I didn’t do and the word of God. Your hormones when you’re a teenager are discouraging, but it only motivates me more and makes me believe that I can stay pure for God. Thank you so much for your helpful response. It’s people like you who really made me sit back and evaluate my situation and make me feel like I have hope. You and the others on this thread really brought me peace in my heart and hope that I can do it.
 
No doctor, but I think you should look into counseling. Scrupulosity and/or OCD or “something” is ruining your life.
 
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