Have I truly forgiven?

[jmj777]

Long story short – my teen nieces have excluded my teen daughter from their social circle and have only included my teen son. Invited him to their birthday party, but not my daughter, etc. DD feels hurt and alone as we just moved here to be closer to family. My brother and SIL are aware of the exclusion, but have not addressed the issue. DD has social difficulties and had just realized nieces were excluding her since the beginning of our move.

Before this, we had tried to foster a sense of family with family gatherings with them, but we felt like “visitors” when we would visit and have kids spend time together, as opposed to family who were “welcomed”. Or SIL would act bored when they would come over our house. I admit that my relationship with my SIL was never close, but I put the discomfort aside for sake of the kids growing together.

Needless to say, I don’t “miss” our family gatherings and my daughters don’t want to spend time with their cousins. I have truly chosen to forgive them, but I know that any future gatherings will only bring on a dreaded level of discomfort and feeling unwelcome or feeling unaccepted.

I have not initiated much conversation (through texts) with my brother as I want to avoid the idea of trying to get together. Does that mean I haven’t truly forgiven if I am avoiding these get-togethers?

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[metanoia1]

 This is only my view on the matter. Forgiving is a process and doesn't come automatically nor quickly nor should it. Sometimes much space and time are needed to reflect on the issue and maybe determine where (I) may be at fault in any given situation. Generally I'm not  faultless. Often when I am bothered by something someone is doing whether to me personally or in general it is something that I am also doing on one level or another. While I point a finger at someone there are also three fingers pointing right back at me. :) it is perfectly okay to have faults but thinking we are faultless is a very real problem.
 Give yourself a break on whether you've truly forgiven someone or not. Be patient and know that if you persevere in trying to forgive it will eventually happen.

 

[Mboo]

What does it mean to forgive in theology?

 

[TheLittleLady]

Never been one to get involved in the friendship dynamics of my kid. He was expected to be polite, but, not forced to be “buddy buddy” with someone just because it would fit some Norman Rockwell ideal.

These teens don’t get along with your daughter, your daughter does not get along with them. Your son does get along with them. As long as we can be polite when everyone is at Christmas dinner, that is fine.

My rule, as long as there is nothing immoral or dangerous, let kids work it out themselves.

 

[fin]

My opinion on this might be unpopular, but just bec. You are avoiding those get togethers does not mean you have not forgiven.

We all have heard this several times. Love is an act of the will. Forgiveness is an act of the will. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation all the time. You are not required to like these people. Forgiveness does not mean having positive emotions towards those who have hurt you. Forgiveness means wishing their good in spite of all the bad things they’ve done to you.

 

[JetteZ]

Step one is choosing to forgive. It sounds like you have checked that box.

Step two is acting like someone who has not been wronged; not acting in a way that is vengeful is one example. Another is not acting like a victim. It doesn’t mean you forget it happened but so long as you aren’t intending hurt towards them and you aren’t blaming poor behavior on your part on them, you are ok. It can take a lot of time to get to the end of step two.

Imagine a woman who finds out her husband has an affair and chooses to forgive him. There is a time when monitoring his behavior is justified because of his actions; monitoring rebuilds trust. There can become a time when monitoring is vindictive or becomes detrimental to the process of healing. It’s a moving target and it takes a lot of introspection to decide where you are and if your motives are pure.

It sounds like you are doing your part to heal, you are questioning yourself, and so long as you keep doing that you’ll wind up in a good place.