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on_the_hill
Guest
My wife does a good job of getting rid of all my old clothes…by convincing me to do it.
Have you "accidentally" gotten rid of or lost something your spouse owned?
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Lorelei12
Guest
I agree. My husband has plenty of things I would like to “accidentally” get rid of, and I have even joked with him that I might “lose” something while cleaning up or doing his laundry. However, I have not actually done it. I’ll let him know if I think something should be gotten rid of, but that’s as far as I’ll go. He is a grown man, and I don’t get to decide what, among his personal property, is worth keeping or not. I’d be really upset if he just decided to get rid of anything of mine, so I owe him the same courtesy.
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Xantippe
Guest
Lorelei12,
How about socks with holes and unsightly underwear–does that still require a spousal sign-off?
How about socks with holes and unsightly underwear–does that still require a spousal sign-off?
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
No kidding. I would never, ever throw something of my husband’s out behind his back. That’s selfish and manipulative.
My husband is usually good about throwing things out, but even when he isn’t, it’s HIS stuff, not mine. I don’t get to determine when he no longer needs or wants something, that’s up to him. He doesn’t even owe me an explanation for why he wants to keep something of his. Our home belongs to both of us, and we both have the right to keep our things secure in the knowledge that the other won’t destroy or toss it out without permission.
Respect. Marriages stand on it and crumble when it’s gone.
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Xantippe
Guest
BEL said:
“Respect. Marriages stand on it and crumble when it’s gone.”
I would hesitate to throw away anything major (beside desperately worn out underwear, socks, shirts or pants) and in theory, I think we should respect each other’s stuff, but at the same time, there is an ongoing leaking away of respect that can happen when one’s husband totally unnecessarily insists on wearing frayed shirts, pants with three inches of strings hanging off the bottom to a white collar job or to church or social events if he knows that his wife doesn’t approve and he has newer, nicer clothes that he could wear just as well. Day in, day out, that also wears away at respect when a husband makes little effort to please (and it’s just a matter of wearing the shirt or pants his wife asks him to wear, rather than yard clothes). A woman who disposed of unsightly (but non-sentimental) items that her husband never missed (but would put up a big fight over if she asked) may well feel more warmly and more respectful toward her husband than a woman who is ashamed and embarrassed of how her husband chooses to present himself in public but feels qualms about disposing of worn items.
“Respect. Marriages stand on it and crumble when it’s gone.”
I would hesitate to throw away anything major (beside desperately worn out underwear, socks, shirts or pants) and in theory, I think we should respect each other’s stuff, but at the same time, there is an ongoing leaking away of respect that can happen when one’s husband totally unnecessarily insists on wearing frayed shirts, pants with three inches of strings hanging off the bottom to a white collar job or to church or social events if he knows that his wife doesn’t approve and he has newer, nicer clothes that he could wear just as well. Day in, day out, that also wears away at respect when a husband makes little effort to please (and it’s just a matter of wearing the shirt or pants his wife asks him to wear, rather than yard clothes). A woman who disposed of unsightly (but non-sentimental) items that her husband never missed (but would put up a big fight over if she asked) may well feel more warmly and more respectful toward her husband than a woman who is ashamed and embarrassed of how her husband chooses to present himself in public but feels qualms about disposing of worn items.
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Xantippe
Guest
I once successfully negotiated the disposal of a hat that looked like roadkill with a bad dye job (it was rabbit dyed with the intention of looking like fox), but I suspect it probably took me 5 years of negotiating. That hat was about 10-15 years past its sell-by date by the time it joined the choir invisible and I suspect it was probably a good 30-40 years old by then. (And no, it wasn’t “vintage”–it was old. Totally different things.)
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EasterJoy
Guest
If it was not something unique, but an old version of something that had been replaced, and I haven’t even thought to ask about it for six months, I would think it reasonable that it had gone out with his old clothes when he was downloading worn out stuff.
If this is one of those dog-eared “favorites” and I knew it, though, that would be something else again. My dad used to get “hand-me-downs” from one of the guys in the family. The guy needed to have “like new” stuff for work, and Dad didn’t willing wear anything “like new” unless he was going to church. Still, he’d willingly give up used up stuff when it was being replaced by gently used stuff.
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Catholic1954
Guest
I have not done it to him, but he has done it to me and I did not appreciate it.
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Xantippe
Guest
EasterJoy said:
"If it was not something unique, but an old version of something that had been replaced, and I haven’t even thought to ask about it for six months, I would think it reasonable that it had gone out with his old clothes when he was downloading worn out stuff.
“If this is one of those dog-eared “favorites” and I knew it, though, that would be something else again. My dad used to get “hand-me-downs” from one of the guys in the family. The guy needed to have “like new” stuff for work, and Dad didn’t willing wear anything “like new” unless he was going to church. Still, he’d willingly give up used up stuff when it was being replaced by gently used stuff.”
I think there’s a fair distinction to be made between replacing a worn out thing with a more or less identical new version vs. disposing of an item with sentimental value that can’t be re-purchased.
"If it was not something unique, but an old version of something that had been replaced, and I haven’t even thought to ask about it for six months, I would think it reasonable that it had gone out with his old clothes when he was downloading worn out stuff.
“If this is one of those dog-eared “favorites” and I knew it, though, that would be something else again. My dad used to get “hand-me-downs” from one of the guys in the family. The guy needed to have “like new” stuff for work, and Dad didn’t willing wear anything “like new” unless he was going to church. Still, he’d willingly give up used up stuff when it was being replaced by gently used stuff.”
I think there’s a fair distinction to be made between replacing a worn out thing with a more or less identical new version vs. disposing of an item with sentimental value that can’t be re-purchased.
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Nan_S
Guest
I “accidentally” threw away his “potentially valuable collectors items” porno magazines and comics. I didn’t want the kids finding them.
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bisco
Guest
my wife just made me change my t shirt before we went for a walk, had a stain on it. 
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Lorelei12
Guest
Not really a problem for us, if his socks have holes he throws them out himself. But if he didn’t, I’d still ask him if I could get him some new ones and get rid of the old. And I’d never get rid of something he really cares to keep, even if it’s a favorite old and ratty t-shirt. He’s an adult, not a child.
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maryjk
Guest
It didn’t sound like the OP was talking about old ratty socks or undershirts.
It sounded like she was talking about a much loved, one of a kind, item.
You wouldn’t need to “accidentally” throw away old ratty socks that have been replaced. Nor would you have to “accidentally” throw away items that your husband would willing get rid of.
No, the item the OP is talking about is much loved and well worn. Something that the OP’s husband DOESN’T want to dispose of.
And that, to me, is wrong. It shows a lack of respect for the man that he is. And if my husband did something like that to me, I would be very upset.
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Xantippe
Guest
With my husband, it would be a big “discussion” over the Swiss cheese socks. He’d be convinced (up until they fit like gaiters) that they were just fine and he didn’t need any new socks. If you ask him, he doesn’t need new anything…ever. I think he’s bought one or two items of clothing for himself over the past 17 years.
Hence, I generally don’t ask. We don’t need to have a huge discussion about every sock that starts developing holes or every pair of underwear that develops holes, saggy elastic, transparent fabric, etc. I just buy new ones and throw out the old ones. And I feel free to do the same with pants that develop holes in bad places (if you know what I mean) and shirts that are getting ragged (rather than just worn).
I don’t lay hands on anything one-of-a-kind or expensive to replace without getting permission first.
Hence, I generally don’t ask. We don’t need to have a huge discussion about every sock that starts developing holes or every pair of underwear that develops holes, saggy elastic, transparent fabric, etc. I just buy new ones and throw out the old ones. And I feel free to do the same with pants that develop holes in bad places (if you know what I mean) and shirts that are getting ragged (rather than just worn).
I don’t lay hands on anything one-of-a-kind or expensive to replace without getting permission first.
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EasterJoy
Guest
For me, it is like stuff in the refrigerator. Is it “still good”? It isn’t uncommon to be able to throw out something that will never be missed but that one spouse would want to allow to get a bit worse before they could bear to throw it out–because hey, maybe we’ll find a use for it! If you can see it is bad, throw it out. You don’t need to take a poll.
Still, you are right: It is worth talking about. I would lobby for the understanding that “old” is “old” and that items that can be replaced in kind do not need permission to precede replacement. Only unique items need the “poll”. But that is us. The most important person to work it out with is your husband.
This is definitely the sort of question they give out at Engaged Encounter! Which way is the “right” way to hang the toilet paper? Cat person, dog person, or no-pets-in-the-house person? When is it OK to throw out your spouse’s worn-out clothing?..you may say you don’t “sweat the small stuff”, but you’re wise to figure out what your spouse does and does not think is “small”!!!
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Xantippe
Guest
EasterJoy said:
“For me, it is like stuff in the refrigerator. Is it “still good”? It isn’t uncommon to be able to throw out something that will never be missed but that one spouse would want to allow to get a bit worse before they could bear to throw it out–because hey, maybe we’ll find a use for it! If you can see it is bad, throw it out. You don’t need to take a poll.”
One of my close relatives used to frequently wind up with literally half a dozen to a dozen saucers of rancid margarine in her fridge. She’s also one of those people who needs to carefully stow away a dish wish a dozen canned green beans from dinner and similar items. The result of all of this “saving” and “economizing” was usually a fridge so packed with moldering odds and ends that the actual food in there went bad pretty often before it was eaten. Not to mention that there was barely any room for groceries. She was doing this stuff years before starting to do borderline hoarder stuff elsewhere in the house.
So, yeah, any borderline hoarder type behavior with regard to ragged clothing sets off all of my mental sirens.
“For me, it is like stuff in the refrigerator. Is it “still good”? It isn’t uncommon to be able to throw out something that will never be missed but that one spouse would want to allow to get a bit worse before they could bear to throw it out–because hey, maybe we’ll find a use for it! If you can see it is bad, throw it out. You don’t need to take a poll.”
One of my close relatives used to frequently wind up with literally half a dozen to a dozen saucers of rancid margarine in her fridge. She’s also one of those people who needs to carefully stow away a dish wish a dozen canned green beans from dinner and similar items. The result of all of this “saving” and “economizing” was usually a fridge so packed with moldering odds and ends that the actual food in there went bad pretty often before it was eaten. Not to mention that there was barely any room for groceries. She was doing this stuff years before starting to do borderline hoarder stuff elsewhere in the house.
So, yeah, any borderline hoarder type behavior with regard to ragged clothing sets off all of my mental sirens.
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mommamaree
Guest
When I throw away ratty clothing (or use it for rags) it is not done in a sneaky fashion nor is it treating my husband like a child. I just wanted to clarify that in case my earlier posts were misunderstood. Every marriage works differently, and my husband and I trust each other to make these decisions. We know each other’s favorites, and we don’t hold onto things that are worn out. We “make” each other refresh our wardrobes periodically, just because we love each other and want each other to be happy. However, my husband would likely never do it on his own without prompting, or do it only rarely, because he is so busy taking care of us that he doesn’t always stop to consider his own appearance or needs.
I can see, based upon the other responses in this thread, that there is a myriad of ways to approach this question, but I definitely agree with several of the posters here who spoke of the need for respect to be the foundation of our actions toward our spouses.
I can see, based upon the other responses in this thread, that there is a myriad of ways to approach this question, but I definitely agree with several of the posters here who spoke of the need for respect to be the foundation of our actions toward our spouses.
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MJJean
Guest
You obviously never met my husband. I am talking exactly about old ratty socks, underwear, random t-shirts, frayed and holey pants, etc.
Here’s how our system works. And by “ours” I mean mine. I am a SAHM, so he doesn’t do anything but go to his job. I take care of everything else. House, yard, cars, bills, etc.
Things that are new are worn to family events and going out. Mid-grade things are worn around the house and yard. Poor things are worn to work. Dress things are few and only worn to church. Once new becomes mid-grade it is demoted. This demotion system goes all the way down to work clothes. Once an item has moved past work clothes condition it is in can’t even donate it shape. of course it needs to go! But will he throw it away? Nooo, because that means I will have to replace the item and he hates spending money on…well, anything.
If it makes those who disagrees with those of us who favor getting rid of old trashed items, I am even more merciless when it comes to my own stuff. If I decided to leave right now I’d have room in my minivan for everything I own, the pets, their gear, and a couple of passengers.
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MJJean
Guest
Ya know, I tried economizing by making use of leftovers. It was a huge fail. Just as described above. Now, I just buy exactly what we need for each meal. Sometimes I will buy a pack of chicken that is cooked and divided up in the fridge into other meals. For example, a 7 piece package of boneless skinless breast gets butterflied into 14 pieces. Some are grilled for a dinner of chicken caeser salad. Some are grilled at the same time to be used in lunch wraps, and the rest is put away raw to be oven cooked for a different nights dinner. But it all gets eaten within a 2-3 day period. Which is fine. But when you open the fridge and a leftover waves at you there is a problem!
I am jokingly referred to as The Anti-clutter among my friends. Any hints of hoarding type behavior set my mental sirens a blaring, too.
Oh, and the DH does have a few shirts that I let live at the bottom of his drawer. A couple are t-shirts from the family business that his parents and grandparents owned until retirement and that an aunt runs now. Those are irreplaceable. They switched over to different shirts more than a decade ago. And he has a t-shirt with a picture of him as a teen standing behind one of those Conan the Barbarian cutouts. Also irreplaceable. Those shirts have a home here forever.
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maryjk
Guest
If this is your system, and your husband knows it, why do you need to accidentally throw anything away? Wouldn’t he know that you would be tossing the item?
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