Have you ever broken someone's heart?

[Podo2005]

Greetings,
Alright so there was this girl that is very dear friend of mine who just poured out herself to me, how shes had a thing for me for the longest time and how she wants to go into a relationship with me. I don’t really have any intention of going farther than friends with her but I decided to pray anyways and ask the Holy Spirit for help. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to just remain good friends with her and told her how I felt.
However she seems really hurt by my decision and our friendship has suffered because of the fact I just wanted to be her friend. I don’t know what to do or say to her that will possibly help so I need some advice. This is really bothering me, as though I’ve sinned or something …?. As a christian catholic how would you react in this situation? Perhaps this sounds silly but I really need some advice and perhaps some prayers too…

Also have you ever broken someone’s heart before?

Thanks,
Podo

 

[Jessamy]

In this situation, I think the best thing you can do is give her a lot of space. She probably feels that something big must be wrong with her if you are not interested in a romantic relationship. Every time you are around it will be a reminder that she is not up to your standards. It would probably be best if you allow her to make contact with you regarding any future plans to get together as friends. This may destroy your friendship, and there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it.

No, you have not sinned, and it sounds like you were as nice as is possible in this situation. But the fact remains that, for one reason or another, you don’t find her attractive as a potential mate. That she finds you so will be a continuing source of heartache until she can get over that feeling. If you keep trying hard to be her friend and to assure her that she is a wonderful person it might just prolong her feelings for you and make it harder for her to let go. It will be easier for her if she sees you less and is able to see your faults instead of your strengths.

I have not broken anyone’s heart, but I have felt like mine was squashed a couple times. Luckily, now it’s just water under the bridge.

 

[ChristineML]

If you have not misled her in any way, leading her to believe you had “more than friends” feelings for her and then crushing her reasonable expectations, then you have done nothing wrong. It sounds like you have done quite the opposite, being quite honest about your “friends only” feelings and letting her down as gently as possible.

Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family has a book Love Must Be Tough for individuals in troubled marriages. He says you cannot make your straying spouse love you / respect you / stay with you by begging, whining, pleading, humiliating yourself. They might love / respect / stay with you, but only if you demonstrate self-respect and demand respect from them in return. It’s the same way in the beginning of the dating relationship: this girl can’t MAKE you love her if you don’t. (Isn’t that a country song lyric?) And you don’t OWE her anything other than kindness and consideration in your treatment of her. Let her nurse her hurt feelings (and perhaps embarrassment) in private for a while, then make small overtures of (clearly) friendship only, letting her be free to accept or not, as she feels comfortable.

It sounds like you have done nothing wrong. Let her learn to be a big girl and get over her disappointments in life.

Best wishes,
Christine

 

[THutch04]

I’ve been on the breaking someone else’s heart end once before, and I’d MUCH rather be there than on the other side (although I’m always the one not good enough for the other person, so I was only fortunate enough to be the bad guy once). Just leave her alone and let her initiate contact with you. You didn’t do anything wrong, but wanting to be in touch with her after doing this is not going to help her heal or feel better about herself (and I’m sure she feels terrible about herself right now). Just let the friendship go, because keeping it is only going to make it worse. I guarantee nothing you say to her will be able to help, so let her decide when (and if) the time is right to be friends.