Haven't been going to mass

[kittery]

We got to a point where our lives were really separate. We’re on our way back but it’s easier to demolish connections than to make them. So it requires patience, prayer, and His help. Seems you have a communications gap (I know we still have a big one, too) and maybe some effort to go to a marriage retreat or Retrouvaille may be in order. We are called to be as one with our spouse for the benefit of each other and the family. I understand what it is like when that is not happening.

So, retrouvaille is for marriages that are not doing so well, right? What is “marriage encounter” for? Are we at the point of needing something more like retrouvaille? How do you pronounce that, anyway?

Thanks, newbetx for your encouragement. It is time to focus on being the awesome couple we were. I miss that so much and our children deserve that environment so much more than the stale one we’re in right now.

And by the way, my exam went well. I ended up with an overall B in the course, and I am able to test for my LPN boards now. Next year at this time, God willing, I will be eligible to test for my RN! And yes, nursing is very rewarding. My goal is to be in labor and delivery where I can have the honor of assisting couples during one of the most beautiful and tender moments in life- birth.

 

[hasikelee]

To follow up on Haskilee’s post…

We rarely sleep in the same room together. That’s one of the issues I’ve brought here in the past. Obviously since I just got done with a pregnancy “scare”, we do occasionally sleep in the same bed But, we don’t spend time talking to each other about what’s underneath all of the day to day stuff. We talk about schedules, and finances from time to time. We talk about the kids, and my plans after school is over. But emotionally in this relationship, I do feel neglected.

What do I do about that? He told me during my Christmas break this last year that he loves me and cares about me, but he’s not in love with me anymore. He denies now that he ever said that to me, but he did. Now, I wouldn’t say he gives me the cold shoulder but I definitely sense a platonic quality in most of our interactions. I closed off a lot from him shortly after we got married because of some major disappointments during the honeymoon and the first few months of our marriage. Then last year I found out he’d been sneaking porn on the internet for over a year. As far as I can tell, he has completely stopped that. But I never felt like he apologized to ME about it. He was sorry that he did it, but didn’t recognize what it had done to me in terms of confidence and trust. We really have so many reasons why we should be spending more than 15 minutes a day talking to each other.
Spiritually, I long for more closeness with God. Thank you to jwashu for your beautiful words on confession. That was very helpful, very supportive, and so encouraging that I’m looking forward to an opportunity to go to confession!:getholy: I certainly can agree that once I’ve made a good confession, hearing the words “I absolve you from your sins” has often made me cry because I do believe it is Christ saying that to me. The concrete-ness of that physical action and the confidence that comes from that beats out me telling God I’m sorry and hoping that He took note of it. I remember as a teenager, asking God for forgiveness numerous times for the same sin, because I never felt sure that he believed I was sorry- I felt like I could not convey my sincerity. The confessional has wiped that doubt away for me many times now.

Still, what hangs over my head is confessing any occasions that my DH and I engage in oral sex during the fertile times, to be very up front. I don’t believe that it is wrong. Yet I know the Church says it’s wrong and so I should confess it. But, I don’t know if it’s possible to confess something that is not on my conscience just because I know I’m supposed to. Plus, I know that I don’t intend on excluding that act and I know that we will most likely engage in it again. What does that mean?

kittery, I think you need some :hug1: :grouphug: :hug3: :console:

It does sound as if you are craving that emotional unity and emotional care in a relationship.

 

[smallcat]

So, retrouvaille is for marriages that are not doing so well, right? What is “marriage encounter” for? Are we at the point of needing something more like retrouvaille? How do you pronounce that, anyway?

I think it’s ret-roo-vai, but I’m not a French scholar, so I"m not sure!

Yes, Retrouvaille is for “troubled” marriages, but one of our host couples at our weekend tells everyone that any couple who’s been married for 10 years or more could benefit from a Retrouvaille weekend. There are people there like us, who were never, ever considering divorce, all the way to couples who had already divorced and were attending together.

Marriage encounter is designed for healthy marriages, to make them stronger. IMHO, I think Retrouvaille would be a better fit for you and your DH, especially in light of his comment about loving you but not “being in love” with you.

They both work on the principle of improving communication, and they do that very specifically by giving you practical techniques for talking with your spouse. Basically, the weekend is broken into sessions (trust-forgiveness-anger-finances-etc). Host couples or the host priest give a talk-- and the couples are very, VERY honest with their experiences-- and you and DH are given time to write to each other and then talk to each other about questions they give you. There is absolutely no group sharing and you are encouraged NOT to try to problem-solve during the weekend-- just learn to talk to each other again in non-confrontational, open, safe ways. There is always a priest available (though not all attendees are Catholic by any stretch) and both a communal penance service and opportunities for individual confession. After the weekend, there are a series of post-sessions, held once a week, where you go more in depth about different topics (same host couples presenting again, offering more specific advice) and again have questions to write about and discuss together. You also get some “homework” to do. The post-sessions are very important, and I would definitely NOT skip them. IF you’re so inclined, there are support-group type meetings that happen after the post-sessions, which some people find very helpful (and fun- lots of socializing).

You can find more info at retrouvaille.org Beg, borrow, or steal to get to one of these weekends. My DH came reluctantly. We are both very analytical types without a whole lot of tolerance for touchy-feely, fuzzy types of self-help babble… and we were both impressed. It changed our lives.

Praying for you, still.