Having a Blessing?

[Jacki5389]

What exactly does it mean to “have someone’s blessing” for a marriage? Like when a guy would ask his girlfriend’s father for his blessing?

 

[kevinsgirl]

I always think of it as a move of respect that a young man makes when he wants to propose–as in, “Sir, I’d like to marry your daughter.”

That, and asking for support in the decision to get married.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

It’s parental or family approval.

As covered in other threads of this nature, there is the camp that prefers to go together and tell both sets of parents that they plan to marry after the proposal, usually one at a time unless the parents know each other already. Then, there is the camp that wants the young man to go see the father privately and asks for his daughter’s hand in marriage before the proposal. And there is a WHOLE bunch of variation in between.

Some dads expect to be asked formally for their daughters’ hands. Some dads will blink at you and say, “Why don’t you ask her? I’m already married.” And some dads will say, “Once you marry her, no refunds, no exchanges” and think they are clever.

The thing is to get to know her parents, even if they are divorced, if at all possible, so that you know what sort of dad she has.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**To me, what it means is all about respecting our parents (and those of our future spouse). They have age, experience, and wisdom to share and that concept has been completely lost on the “I’ll do what I want” culture we have turned into.

While I don’t advocate a “one right way” to go about getting parental blessings for marriage, I do think that parents should be consulted and LISTENED to. Of course we are all free to make our own choices, but to not listen to wisdom would be foolish.

It seems like a huge proportion of people who end up divorced can look back and say “mom/dad told me this guy/girl wasn’t right for me” or “we rushed into things” etc.

But then again, even our older generations now are morphing into the “me me me” culture and many cannot be said to be blessed with wisdom.

So, if this is specifically about YOU, you know your parents (and hopefully those of your gf/bf) and you can assess whether or not you think they are wise. If they are wise, listen to whatever advice they have to offer and deeply consider following it:thumbsup:**

 

[VivienneJ]

It’s like this:
I am a widow with two daughters.

Son-in-law first told his Mom and Dad he was going to ask my daughter to marry him. He then drove 55 miles from his home to mine to ask my permission to marry my daughter. He then drove back 30 miles to the town where my daughter was living to ask her to marry him. It was such a special evening, with me trying to make all sorts of excuses to her why he was so late getting to her, when he had promised to take her to supper for her birthday, without her suspecting that I knew exactly why he was late and could almost tell her exactly what time he’d get to her.

Future son-in-law discussed the matter with my daughter. She phoned me very late that night “I’m engaged!” she shouted.

Get the picture?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

He then drove 55 miles from his home to mine to ask my permission to marry my daughter.

**What if you had said “no”?

I don’t believe in asking permission, but asking for a parent’s blessing…

either way, that is a very moving story and your heart must have been so full of joy!**

 

[VivienneJ]

**What if you had said “no”?

I don’t believe in asking permission, but asking for a parent’s blessing…

either way, that is a very moving story and your heart must have been so full of joy!**

Well, of course he knew me well enough to know that I was close to having the ‘young man, what are your intentions towards my daughter’ discussion.

Although he expressed it in terms of asking my permission, (more of a linguistic thing as English is not his first language), his intention was more to get my approval before asking her. And he told me later that he would have asked her anyway, but he wanted the ‘blessing’ (happy agreement) of both sets of parents.

You’re right it was a very joyful and special moment. I wanted to climb onto the roof of my house and yell “A wonderful man is on his way to ask my daughter to marry him, God bless them both!”

Sadly it has been much more difficult to feel that level of joy for my other daughter, I think even in this freer age, parents like to be consulted in some way, rather than presented with a fact.

 

[Just_wondering]

Sadly it has been much more difficult to feel that level of joy for my other daughter, I think even in this freer age, parents like to be consulted in some way, rather than presented with a fact.

Hmm… as a woman who is considering getting engaged this coming year (and hopefully married soon after that) to a man my parents have never met, that concerns me. I don’t want my parents to be upset or apprehensive about my relationship, engagement, or marriage. I had thought I’d just present them with the fact that I’m going to marry this man. If that’s not the way to go, what would you recommend for someone living thousands of kilometers away from her parents?

 

[VivienneJ]

Hmm… as a woman who is considering getting engaged this coming year (and hopefully married soon after that) to a man my parents have never met, that concerns me. I don’t want my parents to be upset or apprehensive about my relationship, engagement, or marriage. I had thought I’d just present them with the fact that I’m going to marry this man. If that’s not the way to go, what would you recommend for someone living thousands of kilometers away from her parents?

It is more difficult when kilometres get in the way.

Some questions:
Do your parents know how serious this relationship is?
Has there been any contact between them and your boyfriend?

I knew my daughter wanted to marry the man who asked for my blessing, made it much easier.

I’d suggest you tell your parents you are considering engagement to this man. I know that letters with a stamp, etc are very outdated and may not even get to their destination, so how do you contact your parents? Phone calls, e-mails? If e-mail, get your boyfriend to add a little message from himself to your mail. Just little things, how much he enjoys your company, or about things he likes to do. Something that will enable your parents to feel they know something about him and some warning so that the engagement is not unexpected at that moment.

Just for example, you and I have chatted a bit on various threads, but I do not know your boyfriend at all, has your Mom had more contact with him than I have? That was my biggest problem with the second proposal, I had never had any communication with the man concerned, not by mail, phone, or text message. And while I hoped they would be getting married, I had no idea it was under consideration.

Hope this helps

 

[Just_wondering]

It is more difficult when kilometres get in the way.

Some questions:
Do your parents know how serious this relationship is?
Has there been any contact between them and your boyfriend?

I knew my daughter wanted to marry the man who asked for my blessing, made it much easier.

I’d suggest you tell your parents you are considering engagement to this man. I know that letters with a stamp, etc are very outdated and may not even get to their destination, so how do you contact your parents? Phone calls, e-mails? If e-mail, get your boyfriend to add a little message from himself to your mail. Just little things, how much he enjoys your company, or about things he likes to do. Something that will enable your parents to feel they know something about him and some warning so that the engagement is not unexpected at that moment.

Just for example, you and I have chatted a bit on various threads, but I do not know your boyfriend at all, has your Mom had more contact with him than I have? That was my biggest problem with the second proposal, I had never had any communication with the man concerned, not by mail, phone, or text message. And while I hoped they would be getting married, I had no idea it was under consideration.

Hope this helps

Thanks a lot for answering. Well, my boyfriend has had VERY little contact with my parents. Last year, he spoke to them on the phone for Christmas and New Years. That’s it. They both felt pretty uncomfortable talking on the phone because they’d never met. He’s met my younger brother, so my parents could ask him for “the scoop” but I don’t know if they have. My parents are pretty busy, and the only time I can call them is around lunch time. When my boyfriend was in the country, I never saw him around lunchtime, so he never got the chance to speak to them. He doesn’t have a computer, so he can’t e-mail them either.

I’ve told my parents that I think my boyfriend is the one, and they ask after him when I call them, but I don’t think they realize just how serious I am. I was chatting to my older brother the other day, and he asked me how things were going with my boyfriend, whom he has never met or had contact with. I mentioned the visa issues and how that was affecting our marriage ideas, and he seemed surprised that we were planning marriage. I guess that means my parents don’t know either (or didn’t at the time).

It’s all so confusing. I’d like to bring him home to meet my parents before we get engaged, but he wouldn’t be eligible for a visa unless we got engaged first. I asked my parents to come visit and meet him, and they said they couldn’t in the foreseeable future. Maybe if I told them that I am really seriously planning to marry this man, they’d change their minds. I just don’t want to have this heart-to-heart on the phone or by e-mail - I want to do it face-to-face, with my boyfriend by my side.

I want to honour my mother and father. I want them to support my decision and recognize what a great guy I’m planning to marry. But at the same time, I wish I could just go ahead and do what I’m planning to do without worrying about how it would affect them. (My parents announced their marriage after the wedding was over. Her parents were furious. My mother asked me not to do that to her, but it’s hard to keep her involved when I live thousands of kilometers away from my parents.)

 

[Brenda_V]

There is far more to asking for the Blessings of a father to marry his daughter than approval although that is a component of it and has become the modern day thinking about it.

There is also the special blessing that only a father as Spiritual Head of a house can give asking God to protect his daughter and her soon to be husband. This aspect is very lost in today’s society but is making a come back. I will have to do some searches but it is very Biblical!

Remember a Priest as the In Persona Christi gives a blessing to the couple at their Wedding Ceremony, this comes from that thought.

I’ll get back to you with the scripture references.

Brenda V.

 

[VivienneJ]

They both felt pretty uncomfortable talking on the phone because they’d never met.

It is uncomfortable talking to someone you have never met, great that your boyfriend did that over Christmas and New Year. And the whole thing of different places and time zones makes it hard too.

Maybe if I told them that I am really seriously planning to marry this man, they’d change their minds. I just don’t want to have this heart-to-heart on the phone or by e-mail - I want to do it face-to-face, with my boyfriend by my side.

What about telling your younger brother, who has met your boyfriend, how serious this relationship is and enlist his help in getting your parents to visit to meet your boyfriend. Also letting your parents know you seriously want to marry this man may encourage them to visit. (I may have made a greater effort to travel the 1000 odd kilometres to meet my prospective son-in-law had I known how serious they were.)

I want to honour my mother and father. I want them to support my decision and recognize what a great guy I’m planning to marry. But at the same time, I wish I could just go ahead and do what I’m planning to do without worrying about how it would affect them. (My parents announced their marriage after the wedding was over. Her parents were furious. My mother asked me not to do that to her, but it’s hard to keep her involved when I live thousands of kilometers away from my parents.)

I just love that you want to honour your parents and have their support. Tell them your hopes and plans, then if they decide to come visit that’ll be great. If they still aren’t able to visit you’ll know you did your best to keep them informed and part of the whole process. Then get that visa asap after your engagment and take him to meet them. (All this visa stuff is a real problem, I sometimes feel as though I need a visa just to breathe.)

 

[Brenda_V]

Tobias Chapter 7 verse 15 And taking the right hand of his daughter, he gave it into the right hand of Tobias, saying: The God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob be with you, and may he join you together, and fulfill his blessing in you.

For a complete contextual reading, go here drbo.org/cgi-bin/d?b=drb&bk=17&ch=7&l=15&f=s#x

and read the whole thing.

As I find others, I will post them.

Actually what made me think of a father’s blessings as being special is the story of Jacob and Essau, this is more to do with the birthright but it shows quite strongly how God has given the father of a family the ability to ask His blessings for the children.

whatever girl, do you have a digital camera? Does anyone in your family here have a computer? If the answer is yes then start introducing everyone that way - through pictures and e-mails, give both of your families a chance to get to know you. You can introduce your fiance via a picture to them, let them know of what is going on visa wise and everything else.

Brenda V.

 

[VivienneJ]

Tobias Chapter 7 verse 15 And taking the right hand of his daughter, he gave it into the right hand of Tobias, saying: The God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob be with you, and may he join you together, and fulfill his blessing in you.

Thanks for that Brenda. On the night of the wedding rehearsal their priest told me I had to say something when I answered his question of “Who gives this woman to this man?” I had hoped to get away with a brief “I do”, I was not yet Catholic, not even attending RCIA. All he would tell me that it must be something along the lines of “I (and state who I am) give DD to SIL”.

I had a day and a bit to think and pray while I was doing the bridal bouquets and came up with “I, Vivienne, mother of **, give her to ** with my love and blessings” - but it was quite a tough moment.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I was going to ask about the “Who gives this woman” because that’s not a part of the Catholic rite of marriage. But you weren’t Catholic yet, so that explains it.

 

[Brenda_V]

I was going to ask about the “Who gives this woman” because that’s not a part of the Catholic rite of marriage. But you weren’t Catholic yet, so that explains it.

You know this is just so odd because when my sister and I got married in two different Diocese and in both we did the “who gives this woman…” part. Neither of us initiated it either, our Priests were the ones who did and they were also the ones who walked us through the rehearsal .

I did not find out that it was not part of a wedding until I was here on the CAF.

Brenda V.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Yep that is odd, but you know from what we’ve discussed around here, Brenda, and seen the proof with your own eyes on the old ceremony on fisheaters and the “new” ceremony that Catholic brides aren’t given in marriage.

 

[Brenda_V]

Yep that is odd, but you know from what we’ve discussed around here, Brenda, and seen the proof with your own eyes on the old ceremony on fisheaters and the “new” ceremony that Catholic brides aren’t given in marriage.

You know what, my sister has been married for 32 years and I will be married for 30 years right after Christmas could be that so many Brides wanted it that it seemed to just be absorbed into the ceremony that long ago but is now being corrected.

Brenda V.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Could be, could be. The unity candle of the 60s.

For those who wonder what on earth these two are discussing, here ya go:
members.ozemail.com.au/~bfk/Order%20of%20ServiceNuptial.pdf

fisheaters.com/holymatrimony.html

We now return you to our regularly scheduled thread, and apologize for the highjack.

 

[VivienneJ]

I was going to ask about the “Who gives this woman” because that’s not a part of the Catholic rite of marriage. But you weren’t Catholic yet, so that explains it.

I have read the discussion that followed this post. Yes, this “Who gives” bit was not in the printed Order of Service, but please note that this was a Catholic wedding in a Catholic church, my daughter crossed the Tiber before I did.

Also this took place when she was two thirds of the way down the aisle, before “In the name of the Father, …” so this would have been before the Nuptial Mass started. At least that is whatI think I’ve understood elsewhere?

Also, bear in mind that she was not walked down the aisle by her father, and as there was no male relative or friend who could be asked to take this role, we asked her prospective father-in-law to do this. Just maybe Father thought there was a need for some way to make it clear to all what the various realationships were? And it would seem that this old tradition would have been suitable on this occasion.