Having a break down....im lost

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lauraella

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I have been married for a year in a few weeks. My husband is wonderful-but he lies-and drinks too much.
He is not violent when he drinks he just does not know his limit.
But the lies…they are for such small things. he lies to me about things he does and who he has dated and where he goes…who calls him…its so frustrating…and i feel he has no respect for my feelings…

here is an example of the "no respect for my feelings "
The other day i saw a text message on his phone from an old friend of his (female-i have never met her.) and i asked him (out of respect for me and my feelings) to just let m eknow when she texts or when he texts her…(it lets me feel secure with my relationship then its weird i know) But he didnt …again,he forgot to erase it so when i asked himn why he did not tell me, he said “I dont have to know everything” which is true, but i figure since we spoke abou thow i feel and that i would feel better if… he would have some sort of respect…and now , i am upset, because with all the little lies he tells aswell, everything is just adding up.
His mother thinks i am jealous and crazy…But she was married at 18 and is still with the same man (which is great) but she has no idea what it is like now-adays…(really) when i would talk to her about it she says "well thats just the way men are…they go drink untill they cant walk and they talk to girls you have nothing to worry about…problem is is that she has no idea. I just dont know how to deal with the lying and drinking …it is so hard for me…im lost…i dont think he will change…i have no trust! for him…😦
 
lauraella said:
I have been married for a year in a few weeks. My husband is wonderful-but he lies-and drinks too much.
He is not violent when he drinks he just does not know his limit.
But the lies…they are for such small things. he lies to me about things he does and who he has dated and where he goes…who calls him…its so frustrating…and i feel he has no respect for my feelings…

here is an example of the "no respect for my feelings "
The other day i saw a text message on his phone from an old friend of his (female-i have never met her.) and i asked him (out of respect for me and my feelings) to just let m eknow when she texts or when he texts her…(it lets me feel secure with my relationship then its weird i know) But he didnt …again,he forgot to erase it so when i asked himn why he did not tell me, he said “I dont have to know everything” which is true, but i figure since we spoke abou thow i feel and that i would feel better if… he would have some sort of respect…and now , i am upset, because with all the little lies he tells aswell, everything is just adding up.
His mother thinks i am jealous and crazy…But she was married at 18 and is still with the same man (which is great) but she has no idea what it is like now-adays…(really) when i would talk to her about it she says "well thats just the way men are…they go drink untill they cant walk and they talk to girls you have nothing to worry about…problem is is that she has no idea. I just dont know how to deal with the lying and drinking …it is so hard for me…im lost…i dont think he will change…i have no trust! for him…😦
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Your husband exhibits classic alchoholic behavior(not all drunks are mean-I wasnt). There is nothing you can do for him until he bottoms out. You, on the other hand, can get immediate by joining Al-Anon.
 
He is almost certainly an alcoholic - which is a progressive disease. He won’t get better, only worse unless HE makes the decision to change. If he comes from a family where this kind of behavior is accepted, he probably sees nothing wrong with it. Go to Al Anon and talk to a priest. I would certainly put off having children until you determine whether he is even willing to admit that he’s an alcoholic and comit to a recovery program such as AA. When I realized in our first year of marriage that my husband had a significant drinking problem, and before we had children, I told him that I would leave him if he didn’t take action to start recovering from alcoholism. I meant it and I made sure I was in a position to follow through (and leave him if necessary) My father in law destroyed his family with drinking and I told him that I would never do to any child of mine what my mother in law did to him and his sibling by remaining with an active alcoholic. In fact, my husband and his siblings deeply resent their mother for staying with their father). My husband has been a member of AA for many years, we have a beautiful family and he is a good father and husband but it was a tremendous struggle for him to put us ahead of drinking. The problem with many alcoholics is that they won’t even admit that alcohol controls them. Without that admission, there’s little hope of recovery. Good luck. I’ll be praying for you.
 
lauraella said:
I have been married for a year in a few weeks. My husband is wonderful-but he lies-and drinks too much.
He is not violent when he drinks he just does not know his limit.
But the lies…they are for such small things. he lies to me about things he does and who he has dated and where he goes…who calls him…its so frustrating…and i feel he has no respect for my feelings…

here is an example of the "no respect for my feelings "
The other day i saw a text message on his phone from an old friend of his (female-i have never met her.) and i asked him (out of respect for me and my feelings) to just let m eknow when she texts or when he texts her…(it lets me feel secure with my relationship then its weird i know) But he didnt …again,he forgot to erase it so when i asked himn why he did not tell me, he said “I dont have to know everything” which is true, but i figure since we spoke abou thow i feel and that i would feel better if… he would have some sort of respect…and now , i am upset, because with all the little lies he tells aswell, everything is just adding up.
His mother thinks i am jealous and crazy…But she was married at 18 and is still with the same man (which is great) but she has no idea what it is like now-adays…(really) when i would talk to her about it she says "well thats just the way men are…they go drink untill they cant walk and they talk to girls you have nothing to worry about…problem is is that she has no idea. I just dont know how to deal with the lying and drinking …it is so hard for me…im lost…i dont think he will change…i have no trust! for him…😦
Click to expand...
Honey…
Your mother in law is just making excuses for him. Don’t go to her for help…that’s the worst possible place you could go to talk about him. Confide in a good friend if you can…if you can’t, you can PM me :).

Secondly, he probably doesn’t have much respect for you. I know, because I’ve been in your shoes…for years. I’m one of the lucky ones because my husband eventually realized I put up with his schnikes and he appreciates it now. Most likely, he will continue to talk to girls…even going so far as to hide it from you. The reason being because accusations and things like that tend to push men towards doing something wrong. Their reasoning is usually, “well, she’s already accusing me of it, so I might as well do it.” I don’t know what to tell you about his drinking other than one of two things will happen…he will outgrow it and become more mature, or he will get worse.

The way I look at it, you have two options…you can choose to stay and tolerate this behavior, because he isn’t going to change unless he wants to, or you can leave and start over. If leaving isn’t an option for you, then you’ve already made the decision to stay. I hope things work out for you. 👍 Praying for you!
 
I don’t think anyone on an internet forum is qualified to pronounce your husband an alcoholic. It’s impossible for us to diagnose the extent of his drinking problem. It’s really something the two of you, and perhaps your priest, should examine and confront.

While drinking excessively will create other problems like compulsive lying, I see these two issues as separate. You stated the text messages he received were from a female. Do you have reason to be suspicious about these messages or this particular female? Is it simply because he is corresponding with a woman? Or is the the fact that they are texting? Do you object to him having any communications with women? And why on earth would you ask him to report to you every time he receives one of these messages?

I suspect you need to isolate what your actual concern is. Once you figure that out, you can certainly approach him with courage and conviction. If texting with this particular woman is unacceptable for you, that is what you need to tell him. Don’t ask him to “report” the texts to you or persist in telling him about your hurt feelings. Simply tell him it has to stop. And make sure you get some pastoral guidance.
 
I’m afraid if something isn’t done this behaviour will evolve into something worse.

Prayer for him.
Get him to go to confession.
See a priest.
 
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