Having a hard time being charitable

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Arlene

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My 10 year old daughter broke her arm on Wednesday, more I guess her shoulder. Because of the location of the fracture, it can’t be casted. She has a sling and ace bandage. It was also displaced, so the doctor had to tweak it back into place.
She is in considerable pain, and on top of that it is 100 degrees and our air conditioner went out. She is sweaty and itchy and it is driving her crazy with the itchy scratchy sling against her bare skin.

So I should be overcome with sympathy, right?

Not exactly. This is natural consequences at its finest, because she fell from a play structure in the park that she has been warned 100 times not to climb on. It is a tunnel slide that you are supposed to climb the structure to the top of the tunnel and slide down inside the tunnel. Of couse some kids try to climb up the outside of the tunnel and just about every Mom tells their kid not to.

So now it is starting to sink in what all she will miss this summer.
She missed the last 2 days of vacation bible school.
She will miss all kinds of swimming, the local pool, the creek, her friend’s house, a friend’s pond
She was supposed to test for her karate purple belt in 2 weeks, now it is on hold.
She was supposed to go to her first sleep away camp next month. Even if the doctor lets her go, it will be with so many restrictions that she will miss out on many of the very things she wanted to go for.

I’ve been housebound the last couple days, her sister has suddenly had her summer activites curtailed. Today we tried to go to a birthday party in the park and the kids were supposed to go swimming in the creek. Of course my 10 year old was sidelined, but the heat started making her nauseous, and she started itching under the sling and was generally miserable. So we had to leave. My younger daughter told her if it weren’t for her (older daughter) climbing on the slide, she (younger daughter) could still have been at the party.

I have to say I feel the same way. Of course I am taking care of her and seeing to her needs and trying to help her be comfortable as much as possible, but I find myself feeling resentful that the summer has taken a turn due to her disobedience.

I also feel like I want to make her pay some of the bills. We are fortunate that we have awesome insurance, with everything having a $5 co payment. But it will be the ambulance ride, the ER charges, the orthopedic charges, the radiologist charges, etc. So as these $5 bills start coming in, I feel like I want her to see what her antics cost. It’s not a fortune that we will make her pay the rest of her life, but just enough to be a little ouch out of her allowance.

But mostly, I don’t like this “I told you so” feeling that I’ve been carrying around, as well as the irritation I feel toward her. The poor kid is miserable and in pain, and is really suffering enough, both with the pain and in what she will miss out on this summer.

So I guess our whole family could use some prayers right now.

Arlene
 
I shall hold you in my prayers. And dang, that would suck to break a shoulder…it’s really hard to drive stick w/ only one arm.

Eamon
 
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Arlene:
My 10 year old daughter broke her arm on Wednesday, more I guess her shoulder. Because of the location of the fracture, it can’t be casted. She has a sling and ace bandage. It was also displaced, so the doctor had to tweak it back into place.
She is in considerable pain, and on top of that it is 100 degrees and our air conditioner went out. She is sweaty and itchy and it is driving her crazy with the itchy scratchy sling against her bare skin.

So I should be overcome with sympathy, right?

Not exactly. This is natural consequences at its finest, because she fell from a play structure in the park that she has been warned 100 times not to climb on. It is a tunnel slide that you are supposed to climb the structure to the top of the tunnel and slide down inside the tunnel. Of couse some kids try to climb up the outside of the tunnel and just about every Mom tells their kid not to.

So now it is starting to sink in what all she will miss this summer.
She missed the last 2 days of vacation bible school.
She will miss all kinds of swimming, the local pool, the creek, her friend’s house, a friend’s pond
She was supposed to test for her karate purple belt in 2 weeks, now it is on hold.
She was supposed to go to her first sleep away camp next month. Even if the doctor lets her go, it will be with so many restrictions that she will miss out on many of the very things she wanted to go for.

I’ve been housebound the last couple days, her sister has suddenly had her summer activites curtailed. Today we tried to go to a birthday party in the park and the kids were supposed to go swimming in the creek. Of course my 10 year old was sidelined, but the heat started making her nauseous, and she started itching under the sling and was generally miserable. So we had to leave. My younger daughter told her if it weren’t for her (older daughter) climbing on the slide, she (younger daughter) could still have been at the party.

I have to say I feel the same way. Of course I am taking care of her and seeing to her needs and trying to help her be comfortable as much as possible, but I find myself feeling resentful that the summer has taken a turn due to her disobedience.

I also feel like I want to make her pay some of the bills. We are fortunate that we have awesome insurance, with everything having a $5 co payment. But it will be the ambulance ride, the ER charges, the orthopedic charges, the radiologist charges, etc. So as these $5 bills start coming in, I feel like I want her to see what her antics cost. It’s not a fortune that we will make her pay the rest of her life, but just enough to be a little ouch out of her allowance.

But mostly, I don’t like this “I told you so” feeling that I’ve been carrying around, as well as the irritation I feel toward her. The poor kid is miserable and in pain, and is really suffering enough, both with the pain and in what she will miss out on this summer.

So I guess our whole family could use some prayers right now.

Arlene
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WOW! That is terrible. All 7 (or I think all 7) of my family will send prayers. oooo, painful
 
It is important that you express all your legitimate feelings to your daughter if you feel she has a lesson to learn. I wouldn’t pen them up inside myself - let it out and tell her how you view the situation. At the same time you don’t want to lay unreasonable guilt on her. When children make purposeful choices that cause havoc to themselves and others they need to understand. Sometimes that means spelling it out to them.

Parenting is a very difficult task. Hang in there and know that someday you will look back and laugh at it all.

Don’t kick yourself for feeling the way you do.
 
You know what Arlene? I think your feelings are understandable and justifiable. As difficult as it is, I would refrain from going overboard on the guilt stuff with your daughter. I am quite sure she’s learned her lesson:o .

With that, I might want to add that every time my kids get hurt doing something I’ve told them a million times not to do, I get that “I told you so” type feeling. Sometimes, I get mad first, and THEN go over and make sure they’re okay. I feel terrible when my first response is anger as they’re crying and screaming about something.

Lately, I have been trying to offer up my frustrations and anger for the naughty injured kid’s intentions. That helps a little.

Hope your daughter feels better soon. Don’t beat yourself up about your NORMAL feelings!!!
 
:rotfl:

😃

Right after I posted the above message my almost 18 year old walked into the room and asked for a copy of her birth certificate so that she could cross the border to Canada with friends tomorrow.

It is …
11pm at night
She didn’t know the address of her destination there.
Good grief!

Someday you will look at situations like the one you describe as practice for some ‘real’ trying times.
Believe me times can be a heck of a lot more difficult.
 
😃

Right after I posted the above message my almost 18 year old walked into the room and asked for a copy of her birth certificate so that she could cross the border to Canada with friends tomorrow.

It is …
11pm at night
She didn’t know the address of her destination there.
Good grief!

Someday you will look at situations like the one you describe as practice for some ‘real’ trying times.
Believe me times can be a heck of a lot more difficult.
[/quote]

Just curious contemplative—what was your response to your daughter?🙂
 
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Giannawannabe:
Just curious contemplative—what was your response to your daughter?🙂
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Well,
First I wanted to say ‘Canada? why Cananda? Don’t you know we should be boycotting that country right now?’

Actually I knew she had plans to spend some time at a family lake cottage tomorrow. Neither of us new it was past the border until 11pm. In the short time since my last post I obtained a cottage address and telephone number which my husband and I verified with a web search. I helped my daughter pack her bag with extra outfit, health care items, etc.
She has safe travel plans with a responsible adult.

She is OK’d to go.

It never feels good to let them ‘go’.

By the time our children reach a certain age, we can only hope that we have equipped them with knowledge and wisdom enough to stay safe.

Sometimes I wish to be back in the old days when a broken arm or scraped knee seemed like a big deal.

I have earned my gray hairs. Arlene will too. 😉
 
Arlene:

Did you consider that this whole thing may be a blessing?

For one thing, your daughter could have been more seriously injured. She could have broken her neck instead.

Second, if this lesson teaches her not to take unnecessary risks, maybe it is worth it. Maybe in the future she will be more cautious, and that can be a big deal when she’s old enough to get behind the wheel of a car. Maybe she won’t risk pregnancy and STDs by having pre-marital sex. Maybe she’ll be more less likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol.

Having one miserable summer might very well be worth the price she has to pay now.

Whenever my kids do something like that, the question I ask them is, “And what did you learn from that?”

Sometimes the most valuable lessons are the hardest to learn.
 
Kay Cee:
Arlene:

Did you consider that this whole thing may be a blessing?

For one thing, your daughter could have been more seriously injured. She could have broken her neck instead.

Second, if this lesson teaches her not to take unnecessary risks, maybe it is worth it. Maybe in the future she will be more cautious, and that can be a big deal when she’s old enough to get behind the wheel of a car. Maybe she won’t risk pregnancy and STDs by having pre-marital sex. Maybe she’ll be more less likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol.

Having one miserable summer might very well be worth the price she has to pay now.

Whenever my kids do something like that, the question I ask them is, “And what did you learn from that?”

Sometimes the most valuable lessons are the hardest to learn.
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I so agree. She fell from 12 feet high and landed flat on her back. It could have been so much worse. As I was riding in the ambulance with her and we could tell that she had no spinal cord damage I was praying prayers of thanksgiving all the way to the hospital.

The other blessing in disguise is that I have been very conflicted about this camp she is going to. Someone posted on one of the forums asking if she should let her daughter go to a Baptist camp and the respounding opinion was NO. So I looked up who owned the camp she was going to, and sure enough it is owned by a Baptist church. I’ve been talking to her about it a lot and have been warning her that they might try to say anti-Catholic things to her, and did she feel like she wanted to put herself in that position. She figured she would go convert them all!!! :rolleyes:
So this may be God’s way of keeping her from going without me having to go back on my word of letting her go.

I almost smacked her today on her bad arm when she started in whining about how it was “no fair” that she couldn’t have any fun and everyone else was. I felt like saying, well, everyone else listens to their mom about not doing dumb stuff.

Yes, it is a hard lesson to learn, and unfortunately, this child usually has to learn lessons the hard way. But I am a big believer in natural consequences, and this sure fits.

Arlene
 
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Giannawannabe:
Lately, I have been trying to offer up my frustrations and anger for the naughty injured kid’s intentions. That helps a little.

I love this idea. It will give me something positive to do with my irritation.
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You and your daughter, and the rest of the fam are in my prayers…

Hey-- maybe this presents some great opportunities for getting in some blessed Adoration…

Peace
 
Prayers for you and your daughter? Done and done.

I’m sorry for your extra trouble, and her pain. I will pray some more, for her comfort and speedy recovery.

Kids can be such KNOTHEADS. They’ve just gotta learn the hard way. I was just like that. You tell 'em and tell 'em, and the go and do it, anyway. I see nothing wrong with rubbing it in, a little. It sounds like she’ll be alright. When she complains, just tell her you don’t want to hear it, to offer it up to God, and tough it out. Maybe she’ll learn her lesson from all this, but if she’s like I was, she’ll just go and do it AGAIN, and again, and again.

As for your being charitable, it’s YOU who runs her to the doctor, you who sets things up so she’s comfortable, and you who is restructuring your household to accomodate her. That’s charitable!

Oh, BTW. You probably already know this, but don’t her ‘work’ you. We all know kids can be such little con artists.
 
After reading your post, and that of some of the others, my reaction is this: It’s time to let go of that anger…Give it to God, and move on…Kids…because they are kids…do things we tell them not to. As an adult, you understand this…So…chalk it all up to experience, hope your daughter learns from it, and get on with life…Enjoy the summer in any way you can. Instead of whining about your own curtailed activities and that of the kids, find ways that everyone can enjoy what is left of this wonderful season…Surely there are blessings to be found in this situation.

Holding a grudge…and that is what you have been doing…does no one any good…It only causes needless pain for the grudger and the grudegee…

Kids are kids…They have to learn…and your daughter surely has…that there are consequences to our actions. But, there is no point on dwelling on the problem once the lesson has been learned…Please don’t let this situation ruin what should be a wonderful fime for you and your girls. Take that lemon and make some lemonade!
 
I agree that it is time to let go of your anger and resentment. This is a 10 year old, so what she did is pretty age-typical behavior. I remember many times that I found why my mom told me not to do this or that (heck, sometimes it still happens!). Do something to make yourself be at peace with this. Have a heart to heart with her and explain that you are disappointed that she disobeyed you. Ask her to realize the sacrifices that the rest of the family has to make because of her bad decision- especially her sister. Ask her to share with her sister that she is sorry that her sister can’t do all of the things she wanted to this summer. Then, take action to make this into a positive. Find things that you can do together. Find an indoor water park, go to a movie, etc. Also, call on others to help you out. Couldn’t someone have taken the sister home, so she could have stayed at the party longer? Or, could you have ran your daughter back and come back later to get the sister? If she’s 10, do you feel comfortable letting her stay home by herself? Try not to focus on everything that she’ll miss this summer- try to be more creative at finding other things they can do instead. Otherwise, it’s going to be a long summer (it probably will anyway, but at least try to make it less unbearable for their sake and yours!).

I don’t think you are wrong for feeling that way. I have felt that way before (when I was right and my advice wasn’t followed and disaster occurred). It is so hard to get past that feeling, but you have to decide that there will be an end to it. Offer forgiveness for her disobedience. Even if she offers no apology, let her know that you forgive her for doing that. You will be setting a shining example to her of how to get past things. All in all, don’t forget to see the valuable lessons in this. All types of suffering can bring us closer to God if we let it.

I would also suggest getting your air conditioning fixed. It will be much easier to be nice to each other when it’s not so hot and uncomfortable. Finally, pray for help. Ask God to help you through this with more patience and tolerance. Whenever you feel anger welling up inside of you, pray until it goes away.

God bless you and your family. I sure hope your summer gets better!
 
My 8 year old daughter broke her arm in May and needed surgery. She just had her pins removed yesterday. Her surgery was 2 days before her 8th birthday so she just sat on the couch that day. She couldn’t ride her bike or scooter. She couldn’t run, jump, or really do anything that an 8 year old likes to do. I know she will be more careful in the future. Maybe. But that’s part of life. Kids get hurt. I know you’re angry but I wouldn’t make her pay for the co-pays. Accidents always come at the most inconvenient times but that’s part of being a parent. I believe your daughter will learn her lesson from all that she will miss out on. I know my daughter learned her lesson. My son was not thrilled with some of the extra chores he had to take on because his sister couldn’t do them but I told him that that’s what family does; they help each other. He was pretty good at getting her a glass of milk or apple juice, etc. But he’s glad she can do it herself now.
Focus on the fact that is was just her shoulder and not anything worse. Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes. She needs to know you still love her and will always be there for her.

Maggie
 
Catholic Heart said:
After reading your post, and that of some of the others, my reaction is this: It’s time to let go of that anger…Give it to God, and move on…Kids…because they are kids…do things we tell them not to. As an adult, you understand this…So…chalk it all up to experience, hope your daughter learns from it, and get on with life…Enjoy the summer in any way you can. Instead of whining about your own curtailed activities and that of the kids, find ways that everyone can enjoy what is left of this wonderful season…Surely there are blessings to be found in this situation.

Holding a grudge…and that is what you have been doing…does no one any good…It only causes needless pain for the grudger and the grudegee…

Kids are kids…They have to learn…and your daughter surely has…that there are consequences to our actions. But, there is no point on dwelling on the problem once the lesson has been learned…Please don’t let this situation ruin what should be a wonderful fime for you and your girls. Take that lemon and make some lemonade!
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I totally agree. I mean, she is ten years old, and kids do dumb things. What’s important is that she wasn’t hurt more seriously and that she learned her lesson. I bet if you asked her, she would say she was sorry for not listening to you. She probably feels really guilty about it and the fact that she might be messing up everyone else’s activities. I wouldn’t add to her guilt by making her pay insurance co pays. (by the way, mine is $20…if that makes you feel any better 😛 ) And hey, at least you don’t have to worry about that Baptist bible camp anymore. Maybe you could use that time that she would have been at camp for some mother-daughter activities. (shopping, movies, even a little Catholic home study 😉 whatever) My mom used to do that with me sometimes when I was younger and I really liked it.
I’m just saying, don’t beat yourself up, your feelings are normal, but try to see it from your daughter’s point of view too, poor thing sounds miserable. A broken shoulder…ouch.
Anyway, just a couple thoughts. Good luck this summer, prayers on the way. 🙂
 
I agree with letting the anger go and the getting your air-condtioning fixed! Once you get the air fixed you can then focus on what you all can do instead of all the swimming you had planned.

I live in the desert, we don’t do a whole lot of swimming here - we do run in the sprinklers (a rain coat or poncho thrown over your daughter would go a long way into her keeping the arm from getting wet while still being able to do this).

You are also in the beginning of the healing - when your daughter is still in the most pain, she will get some better and then you can resume some of the other plans you had.

In the meantime, fix the air, spend time in the mall or at the movies or library where there is air running. When I was pregnant with two of my girls, they were due in the summer so I would just go to the grocery store and stand in the frozen food aisle - it was always soooo nice and cool there.

I have a feeling that the heat wasn’t the only thing that made your daughter nauseous - pain all by itself can do that.

Oh, and once you get the air fixed at your house pull out the board games and cards and a puzzle or two. These are all great activities to do in the heat of summer when even going to the creek could be uncomfortable (can you tell I live in the desert where indoor activities are great for the heat of the day?)

Brenda V.
 
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contemplative:
Well,
First I wanted to say ‘Canada? why Cananda? Don’t you know we should be boycotting that country right now?’

Actually I knew she had plans to spend some time at a family lake cottage tomorrow. Neither of us new it was past the border until 11pm. In the short time since my last post I obtained a cottage address and telephone number which my husband and I verified with a web search. I helped my daughter pack her bag with extra outfit, health care items, etc.
She has safe travel plans with a responsible adult.

She is OK’d to go.

It never feels good to let them ‘go’.

By the time our children reach a certain age, we can only hope that we have equipped them with knowledge and wisdom enough to stay safe.

Sometimes I wish to be back in the old days when a broken arm or scraped knee seemed like a big deal.

I have earned my gray hairs. Arlene will too. 😉
Click to expand...
My daughter had a safe time out.
All is well that ends well. Thank you God!
Kids stretch parents in awkard ways for as long as we live.
Once a parent always a parent.
Relax if you can.
 
Whine, hmm?

You might ask her if she has a new vineyard (she most likely won’t get it); then you explain: 1st a bit of sympathy: “Yes, it really is unfair, isn’t it?” Then a question: “Why are you not having any fun?” (let her answer). 3rd: “And how did you end up in that position?” (she needs to acknowledge her choices). 4th: “When we make choices, sometimes there are really serious consquences we don’t see. Your summer being really messed up was something you didn’t see, did you?” 5th: “I understand how you are really frustrated, but complaining isn’t going to change it, is it.” (let her answer). Then explain that you understand she is unhappy, but her predicament is the result of her choices, and if you want a wine, you’ll open one for dinner.

It all needs to be done in a kind, neutral tone, but it needs to be done. She is trying to wheedle and complain, and that is in part due to the fact that she hasn’t come to terms with her responsiblity. Don’t grind it, but don’t ignore it. Don’t berate her, but don’t let her off the hook, either. She chose. Her choice. She doesn’t have the right to make everyone else miserable, but she does have the right to say she is unhappy with the consequences. No one in their right mind would like her consequences. She doesn’t have to like them. But she does have to accept them; that is a part of the process of maturing. And even at ten, she can mature - maybe not as much as an adult, but she can grow. Your job is to guide that growth.

You are doing fine. Not having much fun, but you are doing fine. Just remeber, she needs empathy, not sympathy. And there is a marked difference.
 
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