Having a hard time being charitable

[Princess_Abby]

You can’t tie a plastic grocery bag over her arm? That’s what we all did as kids whenever we had casts.

 

[LittleDeb]

otm:

Whine, hmm?

You might ask her if she has a new vineyard (she most likely won’t get it); then you explain: 1st a bit of sympathy: “Yes, it really is unfair, isn’t it?” Then a question: “Why are you not having any fun?” (let her answer). 3rd: “And how did you end up in that position?” (she needs to acknowledge her choices). 4th: “When we make choices, sometimes there are really serious consquences we don’t see. Your summer being really messed up was something you didn’t see, did you?” 5th: “I understand how you are really frustrated, but complaining isn’t going to change it, is it.” (let her answer). Then explain that you understand she is unhappy, but her predicament is the result of her choices, and if you want a wine, you’ll open one for dinner.

It all needs to be done in a kind, neutral tone, but it needs to be done. She is trying to wheedle and complain, and that is in part due to the fact that she hasn’t come to terms with her responsiblity. Don’t grind it, but don’t ignore it. Don’t berate her, but don’t let her off the hook, either. She chose. Her choice. She doesn’t have the right to make everyone else miserable, but she does have the right to say she is unhappy with the consequences. No one in their right mind would like her consequences. She doesn’t have to like them. But she does have to accept them; that is a part of the process of maturing. And even at ten, she can mature - maybe not as much as an adult, but she can grow. Your job is to guide that growth.

You are doing fine. Not having much fun, but you are doing fine. Just remeber, she needs empathy, not sympathy. And there is a marked difference.

I agree. It will also help mom let go of her frustration. 10 is old enough to acknowledge her responsibility. This little girl got a lesson in short-sightedness. I agree it might stick for the future.

My big sister got her lesson in short-sightness when she was five. She begged and begged for a little sister because she already had a little brother. She was so happy when I was born…until she realized she had to share a room with me. Not a bad choice on her part but it taught my sis to look at long term consequences.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Expecting your daughter to pay for her medical bills sounds extreme. Maybe you should speak with a therapist. Also, burdening your daughter with your feelings is not needed. At times parents don’t feel like saints towards their children, that’s fine. We are human.

 

[Celia]

Princess_Abby:

You can’t tie a plastic grocery bag over her arm? That’s what we all did as kids whenever we had casts.

I think because it’s a shoulder sling she can’t do it that way. Happend to my friend once, but it was winter, so she didn’t have to worry about swimming…just taking careful baths instead of showers.

 

[goravens]

Arlene - I had to laugh when reading your post because it sounds almost exactly like something that happened to me. When I was 12, I fractured my elbow trying to “slam dunk” a nerf ball on a ceiling pipe at my school, while some friends and I were waiting for sports practice. Yikes! I wasn’t where I was supposed to be there ( was supposed to be upstairs at the school doing homework before practice started) and we had previously been warned that this was dangerous. I missed out on the rest of that sports season, including an important tournament, and missed out on leading our band in a major parade the following day. I was a drum majorette but couldn’t accomplish that feat with only one good arm!

In the 13 years since this happened, when making even small decisions I’ve thought about this event in my life, and stopped to ask myself if the choice I was now making going to be a stupid one like that time. Missing out on so much, and dealing with the embarrasment, was enough for me to remember and recall to help me with making seemingly mundane decisions. It sounds like my experience was similar to your daughters, and I can tell you in hindsight it did me a lot of good and probably helped me make some better decisions than I otherwise would have! Hopefully that helps you have some peace that she will take this experience with her in the future and that it wasn’t in vain.

Arlene:

My 10 year old daughter broke her arm on Wednesday, more I guess her shoulder. Because of the location of the fracture, it can’t be casted. She has a sling and ace bandage. It was also displaced, so the doctor had to tweak it back into place.
She is in considerable pain, and on top of that it is 100 degrees and our air conditioner went out. She is sweaty and itchy and it is driving her crazy with the itchy scratchy sling against her bare skin.

So I should be overcome with sympathy, right?

Not exactly. This is natural consequences at its finest, because she fell from a play structure in the park that she has been warned 100 times not to climb on. It is a tunnel slide that you are supposed to climb the structure to the top of the tunnel and slide down inside the tunnel. Of couse some kids try to climb up the outside of the tunnel and just about every Mom tells their kid not to.

So now it is starting to sink in what all she will miss this summer.
She missed the last 2 days of vacation bible school.
She will miss all kinds of swimming, the local pool, the creek, her friend’s house, a friend’s pond
She was supposed to test for her karate purple belt in 2 weeks, now it is on hold.
She was supposed to go to her first sleep away camp next month. Even if the doctor lets her go, it will be with so many restrictions that she will miss out on many of the very things she wanted to go for.

I’ve been housebound the last couple days, her sister has suddenly had her summer activites curtailed. Today we tried to go to a birthday party in the park and the kids were supposed to go swimming in the creek. Of course my 10 year old was sidelined, but the heat started making her nauseous, and she started itching under the sling and was generally miserable. So we had to leave. My younger daughter told her if it weren’t for her (older daughter) climbing on the slide, she (younger daughter) could still have been at the party.

I have to say I feel the same way. Of course I am taking care of her and seeing to her needs and trying to help her be comfortable as much as possible, but I find myself feeling resentful that the summer has taken a turn due to her disobedience.

I also feel like I want to make her pay some of the bills. We are fortunate that we have awesome insurance, with everything having a $5 co payment. But it will be the ambulance ride, the ER charges, the orthopedic charges, the radiologist charges, etc. So as these $5 bills start coming in, I feel like I want her to see what her antics cost. It’s not a fortune that we will make her pay the rest of her life, but just enough to be a little ouch out of her allowance.

But mostly, I don’t like this “I told you so” feeling that I’ve been carrying around, as well as the irritation I feel toward her. The poor kid is miserable and in pain, and is really suffering enough, both with the pain and in what she will miss out on this summer.

So I guess our whole family could use some prayers right now.

Arlene