Having a hard time being FAKE to roommate

[Mayita30]

Hello everyone.

I am renting an apartment with two other women in other rooms. Yesterday , my roommate’s boyfirend is in town to visit her and he is apparently staying with us. I am having a hard time faking it and being nice to them since this situation of cohabitation is not a situation I grew up in and it is something I am totally against. I am trying my best to be nice and at the same time show Christian charity without being as what they say a religious zealot but I am having a really hard time in being so fake since I do not approve of this situation. The boyfriend will only be here for spring break…

Have you ever had an experience where you had to fake something knowing that the situation is contrary to your Catholic values…I mean believing in our catholic teachings does not mean we have to impose our beliefs and values to other right…but I don’t know this situation is just not right…

Thanks

 

[HouseArrest]

You could say your piece and then let it go. That way your roommate knows how you feel. She doesn’t have to do anything different, of course.

I would express my concern for her. Tell her cohabitation is bad for the relationship, no matter how short the length.

Then move on.

Be kind.

 

[Pax2u]

I can understand feeling very uncomfortable in that circumstance…when you have roommates you may not even know them super well, and then having some strange guy in your bathroom, kitchen, etc…you don’t know anything about him.

I would definitely have a talk with both roommates…preferably at the same time. Say you weren’t aware that overnight guests were part of the roommate agreement, and you aren’t comfortable with that. See if they are willing going forward to agree not to have guests. If they refuse, I’d start looking for a different living arrangement.

 

[DarkLight]

I can understand feeling very uncomfortable in that circumstance…when you have roommates you may not even know them super well, and then having some strange guy in your bathroom, kitchen, etc…you don’t know anything about him.

I would definitely have a talk with both roommates…preferably at the same time. Say you weren’t aware that overnight guests were part of the roommate agreement, and you aren’t comfortable with that. See if they are willing going forward to agree not to have guests. If they refuse, I’d start looking for a different living arrangement.

This. It doesn’t need to be about religion at all - you can just say that you’re not comfortable having male opposite-sex guests overnight, and that it really should have been discussed before bringing him over.

 

[Mayita30]

The guy is actually a very nice guy…He talks to me a lot… I just keep on smiling while my heart shouts that I am a fake… Am I sinning for being so fake around them and pretending I am ok eventhough I am not?

 

[DarkLight]

The guy is actually a very nice guy…He talks to me a lot… I just keep on smiling while my heart shouts that I am a fake… Am I sinning for being so fake around them and pretending I am ok eventhough I am not?

Disapproving of what someone does doesn’t mean you can’t like the person! It’s perfectly ok to think, gee, this is a nice guy and I enjoy spending time around him, I just wish he wasn’t staying over evenings.

Don’t beat yourself up. Unless you’ve actually lied and said you’re ok with them, it doesn’t sound like you’re being fake at all. We aren’t expected to go around telling everyone that we disapprove of their sins every time it comes up.

 

[12345678]

I can understand feeling very uncomfortable in that circumstance…when you have roommates you may not even know them super well, and then having some strange guy in your bathroom, kitchen, etc…you don’t know anything about him.

I would definitely have a talk with both roommates…preferably at the same time. Say you weren’t aware that overnight guests were part of the roommate agreement, and you aren’t comfortable with that. See if they are willing going forward to agree not to have guests. If they refuse, I’d start looking for a different living arrangement.

This. There are actually many practical reasons why some people make it clear that overnight guests are not allowed. I have heard of that being included in people’s leases or agreements and know people personally that have had agreed to it, and not even for moral reasons.

 

[pianistclare]

This. There are actually many practical reasons why some people make it clear that overnight guests are not allowed. I have heard of that being included in people’s leases or agreements and know people personally that have had agreed to it, and not even for moral reasons.

yup. A good friend needed to stay at another friend’s apartment for less than a week, and the super found out, and told them both that unless she co-signs the lease…she couldn’t stay.
It might be against the original rental contract anyway. I’d look into it.

 

[DakiniArtist]

Honey, how long is he staying? Can you stick it out? I hate to say it, but you have to live with these gals. Maybe start, on the sly, looking for new digs in the interim…

Hang in there! :hug3:

 

[Bill_Martin]

Disapproving of what someone does doesn’t mean you can’t like the person! It’s perfectly ok to think, gee, this is a nice guy and I enjoy spending time around him, I just wish he wasn’t staying over evenings.

Don’t beat yourself up. Unless you’ve actually lied and said you’re ok with them, it doesn’t sound like you’re being fake at all. We aren’t expected to go around telling everyone that we disapprove of their sins every time it comes up.

This sums up my thoughts exactly. You don’t have to feel guilty for liking him. If nobody liked sinners, we’d all be awfully lonely. Nor is it always an appropriate time or place to tell someone about your disapproval of their behavior, as you could easily end up pushing them away. I have friends with whom I have to be much more delicate if I am going to talk to them about moral issues. With others, I can just tell them bluntly what I think. It all depends on the relationship you have and the specific person.

 

[Selah_KY]

The guy is actually a very nice guy…He talks to me a lot… I just keep on smiling while my heart shouts that I am a fake… Am I sinning for being so fake around them and pretending I am ok eventhough I am not?

Sin is sin, and we are all sinners. So, I guess you are fake around EVERYONE then? And with yourself? We certainly aren’t going to win any converts to the faith if we treat treat every other human according to their sinfulness.

This sums up my thoughts exactly. You don’t have to feel guilty for liking him. If nobody liked sinners, we’d all be awfully lonely. Nor is it always an appropriate time or place to tell someone about your disapproval of their behavior, as you could easily end up pushing them away. I have friends with whom I have to be much more delicate if I am going to talk to them about moral issues. With others, I can just tell them bluntly what I think. It all depends on the relationship you have and the specific person.

What he said!

Work on the relationships. Put yourself in the place where you can BE that person who your roommate will turn to for real spiritual advice.

 

[Mayita30]

This sums up my thoughts exactly. You don’t have to feel guilty for liking him. If nobody liked sinners, we’d all be awfully lonely. Nor is it always an appropriate time or place to tell someone about your disapproval of their behavior, as you could easily end up pushing them away. I have friends with whom I have to be much more delicate if I am going to talk to them about moral issues. With others, I can just tell them bluntly what I think. It all depends on the relationship you have and the specific person.

I never said that I feel guilty for liking them. I feel guilty because I pretend that I am ok with the situation with him staying with us when actually I am not ok with it due to religious reasons. One poster said that I am assuming they are having relations and that I shouldnt be doing that…I want to clarify this that I am not assuming anything at all. What I looked for in renting an apartment were female companion and not a male companion, them having relations or not has nothing to do with it and has everything to do with putting every body in the house in an occasion to sin.

 

[Mayita30]

Sin is sin, and we are all sinners. So, I guess you are fake around EVERYONE then? And with yourself? We certainly aren’t going to win any converts to the faith if we treat treat every other human according to their sinfulness.

What he said!

Work on the relationships. Put yourself in the place where you can BE that person who your roommate will turn to for real spiritual advice.

is there sort of a sarcastic tone to your post …just a question. I came here to the CAF because I was really feeling bad about the whole situation. I am not use to living with cohabiting couples

 

[Mayita30]

You can still like the guy and smile and be real about your smile.
Just because you don’t like the situation, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to like the person and show your like. Your smile doesn’t have to be fake.

Are you angry at them? Is that it? You are trying not to show anger?

As roommates, you all should have gone over the ground rules about people staying over and come to an agreement, which I guess you did not. Live and learn on that one.

But if you are all students, the boyfriend may not have money to stay at a hotel or anyone else to stay with. Also, you are saying you don’t like the “cohabitation” situation…but…they are not cohabitating. He’s vistiting–he’s not living with you or her. Big difference.

You also may be being presumptuous if you are assuming they are having sex, which they may not be.
I assume that is a big part of your discomfort…and it may not even be a reality.

.

The roomie has done this in the past and knows I disapprove of this. After the visits, she normally take some type of herbs to prevent or discard the possibility of pregnancy…Well that is her life, I just felt bad earlier because I do have to face them and talk to them and pretend that I am fine with the situation.As I said the guy seems like a very nice person but this type of situation is something which is not what I am used to and is against my catholic beliefs…Anyway, he wont be here for such a long time.just one week

 

[Mayita30]

Honey, how long is he staying? Can you stick it out? I hate to say it, but you have to live with these gals. Maybe start, on the sly, looking for new digs in the interim…

Hang in there! :hug3:

yes…I-m thinking of staying for just a few more months and then I will move.

 

[Mayita30]

You can still like the guy and smile and be real about your smile.
Just because you don’t like the situation, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to like the person and show your like. Your smile doesn’t have to be fake.

Are you angry at them? Is that it? You are trying not to show anger?

As roommates, you all should have gone over the ground rules about people staying over and come to an agreement, which I guess you did not. Live and learn on that one.

But if you are all students, the boyfriend may not have money to stay at a hotel or anyone else to stay with. Also, you are saying you don’t like the “cohabitation” situation…but…they are not cohabitating. He’s vistiting–he’s not living with you or her. Big difference.

You also may be being presumptuous if you are assuming they are having sex, which they may not be.
I assume that is a big part of your discomfort…and it may not even be a reality.

.

No… I am not angry at them. I am sort of bothered by the roomie because she knows I do not approve of the situation but yet she still allows it… With regards to her boyfriend, he is a very respectful and nice man. I am not angry at him and he doesn-t have the slightest clue that I dont agree with him staying with us.

 

[Mayita30]

Disapproving of what someone does doesn’t mean you can’t like the person! It’s perfectly ok to think, gee, this is a nice guy and I enjoy spending time around him, I just wish he wasn’t staying over evenings.

Don’t beat yourself up. Unless you’ve actually lied and said you’re ok with them, it doesn’t sound like you’re being fake at all. We aren’t expected to go around telling everyone that we disapprove of their sins every time it comes up.

Thanks. I really like your post. So, do you think it would be ok to hang around with them. The boyfriend invited me to go out with them this Thursday. This is not a usual situation for me because most of my friends are normally just women who share the same values as me but this is different cuz everytime he comes over and then leaves, the roomie takes herbs to discard the possibility of pregnancy. This is probably a case of …should you go out with people who are totally different from you and pretend you are ok with what they are doing or should you just distance yourself, treat them respectfully and find like minded friends. Another poster commented that I should be an ideal roommate for me to convert but I have no intentions of converting anyone because only God can convert peoples hearts…

 

[Viki63]

As a nurse, I’d also be uncomfortable with your roommate taking herbs to abort any child she may have conceived. If that’s what she’s doing. It might be unsafe for her and for sure unsafe for any fetus.

Any way, why not stop being fake and tell it like it is? Something like, “You know, Joe, I enjoy your company but I’m a Catholic and don’t feel comfortable having you stay over. I might be looking for another place to stay if it’s going to be a regular thing, since I planned on only having female roommates.” You could say it in front of your roommate to avoid them having to gossip about you.

You can still be nice to them, just let them know how you feel. I know plenty of people whose company I enjoy but whose lifestyles I don’t think much of.
Of course they might not understand that you can like the person and not their lifestyle, and think you were looking down on them or being holier than them. It’s a risk we run.

But if you were honest, you wouldn’t feel like you were faking anything. And it might help them, because they probably have no clue that there’s anything wrong with what they’re doing.

 

[DarkLight]

Thanks. I really like your post. So, do you think it would be ok to hang around with them. The boyfriend invited me to go out with them this Thursday. This is not a usual situation for me because most of my friends are normally just women who share the same values as me but this is different cuz everytime he comes over and then leaves, the roomie takes herbs to discard the possibility of pregnancy. This is probably a case of …should you go out with people who are totally different from you and pretend you are ok with what they are doing or should you just distance yourself, treat them respectfully and find like minded friends. Another poster commented that I should be an ideal roommate for me to convert but I have no intentions of converting anyone because only God can convert peoples hearts…

You’re seeing things in a bit too black and white. You can say you’re uncomfortable with what they’re doing and still be friends with them. It’s ok to say, you know, I’m really not comfortable with having guys stay over at the apartment, but still be ok with spending time with them and hanging out.

 

[Selah_KY]

is there sort of a sarcastic tone to your post …just a question. I came here to the CAF because I was really feeling bad about the whole situation. I am not use to living with cohabiting couples

No, there really isn’t any sarcasm. You’ve focused on this one particular sin (and they aren’t cohabitating, they are having sex outside of marriage - those are two different things) without thinking about others. As a adult, you’re going to work with and live near all sorts of sinners and it would be good to learn how to navigate relationships NOW so that you’ll be a better witness. I really liked what DarkLight said:

Don’t beat yourself up. Unless you’ve actually lied and said you’re ok with them, it doesn’t sound like you’re being fake at all. **We aren’t expected to go around telling everyone that we disapprove of their sins every time it comes up.
**

You’re seeing things in a bit too black and white. You can say you’re uncomfortable with what they’re doing and still be friends with them. It’s ok to say, you know, I’m really not comfortable with having guys stay over at the apartment, but still be ok with spending time with them and hanging out.

Yes!

And if you don’t want your roommates to have overnight guests, you should be up front from the beginning. It’s not really fair to change the expectations mid-stream. Unfortunately, the typical college expectation (even for Christians) is that opposite sex overnight guests WILL be okay, rather than where you stand. Unless you know someone really well or ask beforehand, there’s no way to know how they feel about this.