Having a hard time being FAKE to roommate

[Mayita30]

You’re seeing things in a bit too black and white. You can say you’re uncomfortable with what they’re doing and still be friends with them. It’s ok to say, you know, I’m really not comfortable with having guys stay over at the apartment, but still be ok with spending time with them and hanging out.

Yes. I want to be friends with them and I treat them well. I guess I don’t have to approve every life choices they make just to be friends with them…I also try to maintain my distance though but may be every now and then I can go out with them…thanks

 

[Mayita30]

No, there really isn’t any sarcasm. You’ve focused on this one particular sin (and they aren’t cohabitating, they are having sex outside of marriage - those are two different things) without thinking about others. As a adult, you’re going to work with and live near all sorts of sinners and it would be good to learn how to navigate relationships NOW so that you’ll be a better witness.

Since you always mention the word SIN which I have not. Let me clarify that I have not condemmed anyone a sinner here. I think that I consider myself as a practicing Catholic and for that matter I looked for a place where I could be with females and we all agreed it would be that way in the beginning. The roomie bringing in someone to stay in the house for one week is bothering me. I do not think it is my fault because I am not accustomed to this kind of lifestyle and it is right in my face. waking up in the morning, with the guy cooking in the kitchen and using all our things in the house and doing he things…

It is a “SIN” as what you woud like to call it, displayed in front of my eyes and not in their own privacy.

I really liked what DarkLight said:

Don’t beat yourself up. Unless you’ve actually lied and said you’re ok with them, it doesn’t sound like you’re being fake at all. **We aren’t expected to go around telling everyone that we disapprove of their sins every time it comes up.
**

Yes!

And if you don’t want your roommates to have overnight guests, you should be up front from the beginning. It’s not really fair to change the expectations mid-stream.

Unfortunately, the typical college expectation (even for Christians) is that opposite sex overnight guests WILL be okay, rather than where you stand. Unless you know someone really well or ask beforehand, there’s no way to know how they feel about this.

Have you been reading all my posts? I think I have posted that we agreed that it will be all female living in the area. The roomie knows that I do not approve of the situation. It was not a sudden change on my part

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Have you been reading all my posts? I think I have posted that we agreed that it will be all female living in the area. The roomie knows that I do not approve of the situation

It is clear that you disapprove but it isn’t clear that you and both of your roommates agreed upon commencing to live together that male overnight guests were not okay. You telling your roommate that you don’t approve isn’t the same as all of you agreeing it wouldn’t happen. Do you have anything in writing that you all signed? You might have an oral agreement but each of you is remembering it differently. You could tell me you are against something and I could say “okay” in acknowledgement but that doesn’t mean I agree with you or will avoid doing it.

What I looked for in renting an apartment were female companion and not a male companion, them having relations or not has nothing to do with it and has everything to do with putting every body in the house in an occasion to sin.

If the boyfriend is a temporary guest then you have a female companion with a male guest.

And I don’t see how it is putting everybody in a near occasion of sin.

 

[Mayita30]

It is clear that you disapprove but it isn’t clear that you and both of your roommates agreed upon commencing to live together that male overnight guests were not okay. You telling your roommate that you don’t approve isn’t the same as all of you agreeing it wouldn’t happen. Do you have anything in writing that you all signed? You might have an oral agreement but each of you is remembering it differently. You could tell me you are against something and I could say “okay” in acknowledgement but that doesn’t mean I agree with you or will avoid doing it.

If the boyfriend is a temporary guest then you have a female companion with a male guest.

And I don’t see how it is putting everybody in a near occasion of sin.

only a practicing catholic would understand the difference

 

[Mayita30]

It amazes me that several people on this thread view cohabitation differently…several posters mentioned that they are cohabitating even if it is just for 1 week , the time does not matter while the others do not recognize it as cohabitating

 

[Mayita30]

I don’t know what happened to my other post. It seems I deleted it by accident

 

[Mayita30]

You’re seeing things in a bit too black and white. You can say you’re uncomfortable with what they’re doing and still be friends with them. It’s ok to say, you know, I’m really not comfortable with having guys stay over at the apartment, but still be ok with spending time with them and hanging out.

You have been truly helpful. Thanks again

 

[Bruised_Reed]

only a practicing catholic would understand the difference

I am a practicing Catholic. Still don’t see how you are in a near occasion of sin.

 

[Mintaka]

She’s in a near occasion of sin for several reasons.

1. Because her roommate is knowingly torquing her off. This brings her to a near occasion of the sin of wrath, the sin of striking her roomie, the sin of brooding and thinking up creepy passive-aggressive stuff to do to her, etc.
2. Because the roommate keeps expecting everybody to be okay with this, there’s the near occasion of the sin of falling in with peer pressure, lying, succumbing to cognitive dissonance and agreeing that pre-marital sex is no big deal, etc.
3. If the roommate is having sex on the other side of the wall, obviously this can cause a lot of near occasions of sin: wrath, envy, lust, etc. It is freaking annoying to try to sleep through that sort of noise, too.
4. Not very much fun living with somebody who keeps trying to abort herself. And with herbs, which are not exactly a model of safety and effectiveness for anything. Like the Ovid poem says, nothing like trying to murder yourself and your baby all at the same time.

Finally - even though this guy is apparently nice enough, there’s a lot more danger of sexual assault from a boyfriend of somebody else living in your place than of total strangers going after you. Heck, when I did a college visit as a teenager ages ago, I had somebody’s drunken boyfriend try to assault me on my first night sleeping in the place! Not a joke!

Obviously that’s not a near occasion of sin, other than the sin of murdering the jerk, but I’d rather not be the object of somebody else’s violent assault or rape type of sin, thank you very much.

 

[BellsMom]

If all these things are “near occasions to sin” then I don’t know how the OP or you can function in public (work, social events, interacting with anyone outside of your home).

Seriously, someone doing something that makes you mad is now a near occasion to sin? How will you ever live the real world?

 

[Mayita30]

She’s in a near occasion of sin for several reasons.

1. Because her roommate is knowingly torquing her off. This brings her to a near occasion of the sin of wrath, the sin of striking her roomie, the sin of brooding and thinking up creepy passive-aggressive stuff to do to her, etc.
2. Because the roommate keeps expecting everybody to be okay with this, there’s the near occasion of the sin of falling in with peer pressure, lying, succumbing to cognitive dissonance and agreeing that pre-marital sex is no big deal, etc.
3. If the roommate is having sex on the other side of the wall, obviously this can cause a lot of near occasions of sin: wrath, envy, lust, etc. It is freaking annoying to try to sleep through that sort of noise, too.
4. Not very much fun living with somebody who keeps trying to abort herself. And with herbs, which are not exactly a model of safety and effectiveness for anything. Like the Ovid poem says, nothing like trying to murder yourself and your baby all at the same time.

Finally - even though this guy is apparently nice enough, there’s a lot more danger of sexual assault from a boyfriend of somebody else living in your place than of total strangers going after you. Heck, when I did a college visit as a teenager ages ago, I had somebody’s drunken boyfriend try to assault me on my first night sleeping in the place! Not a joke!

Obviously that’s not a near occasion of sin, other than the sin of murdering the jerk, but I’d rather not be the object of somebody else’s violent assault or rape type of sin, thank you very much.

I could not have said it any better

 

[Mayita30]

If all these things are “near occasions to sin” then I don’t know how the OP or you can function in public (work, social events, interacting with anyone outside of your home).

Seriously, someone doing something that makes you mad is now a near occasion to sin? How will you ever live the real world?

In public…you already answered your own question… we are not talking about the public , we are talking about something very private in a home and that involves sharing a bathroom, a kitchen, a living room with a person I do not know

 

[Bruised_Reed]

She’s in a near occasion of sin for several reasons.

1. Because her roommate is knowingly torquing her off. This brings her to a near occasion of the sin of wrath, the sin of striking her roomie, the sin of brooding and thinking up creepy passive-aggressive stuff to do to her, etc.
2. Because the roommate keeps expecting everybody to be okay with this, there’s the near occasion of the sin of falling in with peer pressure, lying, succumbing to cognitive dissonance and agreeing that pre-marital sex is no big deal, etc.
3. If the roommate is having sex on the other side of the wall, obviously this can cause a lot of near occasions of sin: wrath, envy, lust, etc. It is freaking annoying to try to sleep through that sort of noise, too.
4. Not very much fun living with somebody who keeps trying to abort herself. And with herbs, which are not exactly a model of safety and effectiveness for anything. Like the Ovid poem says, nothing like trying to murder yourself and your baby all at the same time.

Finally - even though this guy is apparently nice enough, there’s a lot more danger of sexual assault from a boyfriend of somebody else living in your place than of total strangers going after you. Heck, when I did a college visit as a teenager ages ago, I had somebody’s drunken boyfriend try to assault me on my first night sleeping in the place! Not a joke!

Obviously that’s not a near occasion of sin, other than the sin of murdering the jerk, but I’d rather not be the object of somebody else’s violent assault or rape type of sin, thank you very much.

Gotcha. These didn’t occur to me as once I realized that I was temped to sin I would practice the virtue. This is one of the reasons I don’t ask questions on this forum; I think, “what would CAF do?” and I sort it out.

For most of those even a female guest could be a near occasion of sin. Anyone could steal, move items (so one might think they are stolen), take pictures surreptitiously…one of the reasons roommates should be vetted carefully and rules agreed before signing a lease. There are many resources for roommate issues online. If the OP’s roommates are reasonable it isn’t too late to discuss any areas of concern.

 

[BellsMom]

In public…you already answered your own question… we are not talking about the public , we are talking about something very private in a home and that involves sharing a bathroom, a kitchen, a living room with a person I do not know

I’m sorry that you didn’t iron out the details before you committed to moving in together but in your circumstances I think “private” is a bit more complicated.

You share a living space with 2 other people. You each contribute money to cover your use of “space” in the apartment and utilities I assume. Therefore your bedroom is your “private” space. As such your roommates bedroom is her private space. The community areas like kitchen, bathroom, living room, etc would not be considered private since you share them 2 other people.

But even if you are right and the whole apartment should be considered private, does the church’s teaching change if a near occasion to sin is happening in public or private?

I’m only trying to say that I think Mintakas definition of all the near occasions going on in your apartment are very overstated.

I remember all the roommates I had when I was your age. Living with other people can be very hard. I hope you can find roommates that are a better fit for you in the future.

 

[PaulinVA]

If the roommates are unrelated and just were thrown together by living circumstances, quite frankly I don’t understand why the OP thinks her opinion is relevant. One does not gain the right of judgement because one is rooming with someone. Just because you don’t approve of a roommate’s actions doesn’t mean they have to stop, or even that they care what you think.

If the roommate agreement is silent on overnight guests, chalk this up to experience and get it in writing next time. If it’s mentioned, then you can enforce whatever rules were agreed to. It is probably the single most important topic adult roommates need to hash out.

And, you are not being fake if you hold your opinion to yourself.

 

[Mayita30]

I’m sorry that you didn’t iron out the details before you committed to moving in together but in your circumstances I think “private” is a bit more complicated.

You share a living space with 2 other people. You each contribute money to cover your use of “space” in the apartment and utilities I assume. Therefore your bedroom is your “private” space. As such your roommates bedroom is her private space. The community areas like kitchen, bathroom, living room, etc would not be considered private since you share them 2 other people.

But even if you are right and the whole apartment should be considered private, does the church’s teaching change if a near occasion to sin is happening in public or private?

I’m only trying to say that I think Mintakas definition of all the near occasions going on in your apartment are very overstated.

I remember all the roommates I had when I was your age. Living with other people can be very hard. I hope you can find roommates that are a better fit for you in the future.

What the Church teaches is that what they are doing by sleeping together without getting married is a scandal and it is not something that the CHurch teaches. The Church teaches Chastitiy and I think if you share a common place with somebody, I think respect is very important especially if you had an agreement that only females will be staying there.

 

[Mayita30]

What the Church teaches is that what they are doing by sleeping together without getting married is a scandal The Church teaches Chastitiy and I think if you share a common place with somebody, I think respect is very important especially if you had an agreement that only females will be staying there.

.

I corrected the error I had in the above posts.

Anyway thank you everybody for all your help and insigts. God bless you all… I don-t know how to close or lock this thread… but this will be my last post… Thanks

 

[Selah_KY]

I’m only trying to say that I think Mintakas definition of all the near occasions going on in your apartment are very overstated.

Yes.

If the roommates are unrelated and just were thrown together by living circumstances, quite frankly I don’t understand why the OP thinks her opinion is relevant. One does not gain the right of judgement because one is rooming with someone. Just because you don’t approve of a roommate’s actions doesn’t mean they have to stop, or even that they care what you think.

What the Church teaches is that what they are doing by sleeping together without getting married is a scandal and it is not something that the CHurch teaches. The Church teaches Chastity and I think if you share a common place with somebody, I think respect is very important especially if you had an agreement that only females will be staying there.

But it’s your roommates scandal, not the yours. And I did not get the impression that you had any kind of agreement about occasional overnight guests. Is your roommate Catholic? Protestant?

Anyway thank you everybody for all your help and insigts. God bless you all… I don-t know how to close or lock this thread… but this will be my last post… Thanks

I’m sad that you are so defensive to the people who were trying to help you. I sincerely hope you see this as an opportunity for growth rather than a bunch of people being “mean” to you.

 

[Mayita30]

Yes.



But it’s your roommates scandal, not the yours. And I did not get the impression that you had any kind of agreement about occasional overnight guests. Is your roommate Catholic? Protestant?

I’m sad that you are so defensive to the people who were trying to help you. I sincerely hope you see this as an opportunity for growth rather than a bunch of people being “mean” to you.

sad??? really??

helP??? …I think you were being mean. I am catholic and the roomie is catholic and your views on cohabitation does not reflect the CHurch’s teaching. I think I got the best advice from a lot of poster who posted earlier. I am not getting what I want in this living arrangement and I will look for better companions than people who do not stick with agreement. I think you do not have to tell me that my views are wrong because I think I have the right to feel uncomfortable in living with a man whom I do not know and is not related to me…and again maybe you can try to be nice in you post. Mentioning the word sin and sinner was never part of my vocabulary…You made that up yourself…maybe you should do a little reflecting on you own actions…bye

 

[Oneofthewomen]

WOW!!
I always find it funny when people come to this board, ask for advice then berate everyone who tries to help them.

OP, I have not seen in your posts that you and your roommates had a written agreement about anything, especially “overnight” guests. Is this correct? Are you just “assuming” that because you feel the way you do, and that your friends “know it”, that they should feel the same way too?

Sadly, there are many people, Catholics included, who see nothing wrong with the situation you find yourself in. It’s not right, but it’s the way it is. And yes, we should help others to reach heaven, but that does not mean beating them over the head. Fraternal correction needs to be done gently & correctly. You have no “authority” over your friends and, I suggest that if you want to keep them, you do not attempt to correct them. Offer to discuss your feelings with them, but that’s about it.

And, remember this incident the next time you decide to live with others. Put everything in writing, and make sure that everyone agrees to everything before you sign your lease.

sad??? really??

helP??? …I think you were being mean. I am catholic and the roomie is catholic and your views on cohabitation does not reflect the CHurch’s teaching. I think I got the best advice from a lot of poster who posted earlier. I am not getting what I want in this living arrangement and I will look for better companions than people who do not stick with agreement. I think you do not have to tell me that my views are wrong because I think I have the right to feel uncomfortable in living with a man whom I do not know and is not related to me…and again maybe you can try to be nice in you post. Mentioning the word sin and sinner was never part of my vocabulary…You made that up yourself…maybe you should do a little reflecting on you own actions…bye