Having a hard time being FAKE to roommate

[Mayita30]

WOW!!
I always find it funny when people come to this board, ask for advice then berate everyone who tries to help them.

OP, I have not seen in your posts that you and your roommates had a written agreement about anything, especially “overnight” guests. Is this correct? Are you just “assuming” that because you feel the way you do, and that your friends “know it”, that they should feel the same way too?

Sadly, there are many people, Catholics included, who see nothing wrong with the situation you find yourself in. It’s not right, but it’s the way it is. And yes, we should help others to reach heaven, but that does not mean beating them over the head. Fraternal correction needs to be done gently & correctly. You have no “authority” over your friends and, I suggest that if you want to keep them, you do not attempt to correct them. Offer to discuss your feelings with them, but that’s about it.

And, remember this incident the next time you decide to live with others. Put everything in writing, and make sure that everyone agrees to everything before you sign your lease.

no written agreement but if you keep your word of honor , you would not break any agreement. We are all catholics and we had an initial agreement… I would not do this to a friend… I think most pople on this thread helped but those who are OK with this kind of living arrangement said some harshed things like I am condemming them for being sinner…excuse me? Did I ever mention the word Sin…I think I just emphasize the point of being uncomfortable in this kind of situation I am not used to.

don’t even bother in trtyintg to respond since the issue has been solved

 

[DarkLight]

no written agreement but if you keep your word of honor , you would not break any agreement. We are all catholics and we had an initial agreement… I would not do this to a friend… I think most pople on this thread helped but those who are OK with this kind of living arrangement said some harshed things like I am condemming them for being sinner…excuse me? Did I ever mention the word Sin…I think I just emphasize the point of being uncomfortable in this kind of situation I am not used to.

don’t even bother in trtyintg to respond since the issue has been solved

I think you’re misunderstanding what people are trying to say.

No one here means that the sort of arrangement your roommate and her boyfriend have is ok. What people are trying to say is it’s not really your problem. You, personally, are not in a near occasion of sin, nor causing scandal - so you don’t need to worry so much about it. If you had an agreement that’s disappointing that the roommates aren’t living up to it, but that’s an unfortunate risk of living with roommates.

You can tell your roommate (if you haven’t already) that you are uncomfortable with male overnight guests and would prefer her boyfriend stay somewhere else, but unfortunately here you have no power to enforce that. If you really want out of the situation, you can look into subletting and moving out - and next time get a written roommate agreement. But you are not sinning by being friendly in this situation, and you are under no obligation to correct anyone’s behavior.

 

[Mayita30]

I think you’re misunderstanding what people are trying to say.

No one here means that the sort of arrangement your roommate and her boyfriend have is ok. What people are trying to say is it’s not really your problem. You, personally, are not in a near occasion of sin, nor causing scandal - so you don’t need to worry so much about it. If you had an agreement that’s disappointing that the roommates aren’t living up to it, but that’s an unfortunate risk of living with roommates.

You can tell your roommate (if you haven’t already) that you are uncomfortable with male overnight guests and would prefer her boyfriend stay somewhere else, but unfortunately here you have no power to enforce that. If you really want out of the situation, you can look into subletting and moving out - and next time get a written roommate agreement. But you are not sinning by being friendly in this situation, and you are under no obligation to correct anyone’s behavior.

I have agreed to all of your advices. In fact you have given the best advice in the thread. My post was specifically addressed to people especially SelahKY and 2 other people for condeming me for treating the roomie and her BF as SINNERS (their term)… I Have never mentioned the word Sin here, in fact I was asking if it is ok for me to go out with them despite me disapproving of the situation… the fact that I mention that I am uncomfortable in this type of situations does not mean I am condeming them as SINNERS… don’t I have the right to feel uncomfortable? It is not something I can control… and yes you are right I should be more careful the enxt time I look for a place and place everything into writing…

 

[Selah_KY]

I think you were being mean. I am catholic and the roomie is catholic and your views on cohabitation does not reflect the CHurch’s teaching.

I never said it wasn’t a sin, I said it wasn’t cohabitation. From the US Conference of Bishops, “Cohabitation, in a commonly understood sense, means living together in a sexual relationship without marriage.”

WOW!!
I always find it funny when people come to this board, ask for advice then berate everyone who tries to help them.

OP, I have not seen in your posts that you and your roommates had a written agreement about anything, especially “overnight” guests. Is this correct?
Not only did she not mention any agreement, until her last post she never even mentioned that her roommate was Catholic.

No one here means that the sort of arrangement your roommate and her boyfriend have is ok. What people are trying to say is it’s not really your problem. You, personally, are not in a near occasion of sin, nor causing scandal - so you don’t need to worry so much about it.

My post was specifically addressed to people especially SelahKY and 2 other people for condeming me for treating the roomie and her BF as SINNERS (their term)… I Have never mentioned the word Sin here, in fact I was asking if it is ok for me to go out with them despite me disapproving of the situation… the fact that I mention that I am uncomfortable in this type of situations does not mean I am condeming them as SINNERS… don’t I have the right to feel uncomfortable? It is not something I can control… and yes you are right I should be more careful the enxt time I look for a place and place everything into writing…

So… you’re condemning them for their alleged cohabitation, but you aren’t calling them sinners? You’ve REALLY got me confused now. You “dissaprove” of the situation then… why?

Being uncomfortable because there is a guy in the apartment is a very different thing than what your original post presented:

Yesterday , my roommate’s boyfirend is in town to visit her and he is apparently staying with us. I am having a hard time faking it and being nice to them since this situation of cohabitation is not a situation I grew up in and it is something I am totally against. I am trying my best to be nice and at the same time show Christian charity without being as what they say a religious zealot but I am** having a really hard time in being so fake since I do not approve of this situation. **The boyfriend will only be here for spring break…

Have you ever had an experience where you had to fake something knowing that the situation is contrary to your Catholic values….I mean believing in our catholic teachings does not mean we have to impose our beliefs and values to other right…but I don’t know this situation is just not right…
Just a hint, when you suggest someone is not living up to your Catholic values, you are calling them a sinner, in this case calling out their specific sin. You call it cohabitation even though that isn’t what they are doing and you can’t say they are fornicating, since you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.

So, I’ll say again. If this is just about being uncomfortable because there’s a guy in the apartment overnight, that’s what you should have said. I am only responding to the words that YOU have written and with the information YOU gave us.

You’re only responsibilities in this situation are:

1. Find new roommates
2. Make sure you have a written agreement regarding overnight guests
3. If you are so incredibly uncomfortable, stop hanging out with the couple
4. If you are close enough friends with your roommate, at some point you could talk to her about the fact that fornication is against Catholic teaching and you are concerned for her. Maybe ask if she’d like you to pray for her. And there it ends.

 

[Mayita30]

I never said it wasn’t a sin, I said it wasn’t cohabitation. From the US Conference of Bishops, “Cohabitation, in a commonly understood sense, means living together in a sexual relationship without marriage.”
Oneofthewomen;12833934:

WOW!!
I always find it funny when people come to this board, ask for advice then berate everyone who tries to help them.

Yesterday , my roommate’s boyfirend is in town to visit her and he is apparently staying with us. I am having a hard time faking it and being nice to them since this situation of cohabitation is not a situation I grew up in and it is something I am totally against. I am trying my best to be nice and at the same time show Christian charity without being as what they say a religious zealot but I am** having a really hard time in being so fake since I do not approve of this situation. **The boyfriend will only be here for spring break…

Have you ever had an experience where you had to fake something knowing that the situation is contrary to your Catholic values….I mean believing in our catholic teachings does not mean we have to impose our beliefs and values to other right…but I don’t know this situation is just not right…
Just a hint, when you suggest someone is not living up to your Catholic values, you are calling them a sinner, in this case calling out their specific sin. You call it cohabitation even though that isn’t what they are doing and you can’t say they are fornicating, since you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.

So, I’ll say again. If this is just about being uncomfortable because there’s a guy in the apartment overnight, that’s what you should have said. I am only responding to the words that YOU have written and with the information YOU gave us.

You’re only responsibilities in this situation are:

1. Find new roommates
2. Make sure you have a written agreement regarding overnight guests
3. If you are so incredibly uncomfortable, stop hanging out with the couple
4. If you are close enough friends with your roommate, at some point you could talk to her about the fact that fornication is against Catholic teaching and you are concerned for her. Maybe ask if she’d like you to pray for her. And there it ends.

Did I condem them for their cohabitation situation?? seriousley SelahKY not liking a SITUATION does not mean I am condeming the PERSON…I would never condem anyone nor call anyone a sinner…those are only made up in your own mind…try reading all my posts without that kind of dirty thinking

 

[pensmama87]

Is there a language barrier here making understanding a bit more complicated?

 

[Mayita30]

Is there a language barrier here making understanding a bit more complicated?

My point is…not liking a particular situation DOES NOT MEAN I am condeming the person

I came here because I felt bad about the situation and at the same time DO NOT WANT TO LOSE ANY FRIENDSHIP

some posters were nice and UNDERSTOOD everything I said… DARKLIGHT gave good advices and I agreed with everything he said…a lot of people said good advices too

Selah KY , on the other hand, ATTACKS me and tells me that I am CONDEMING the roommate as SINNERS

Seriously, the word SIN and SINNER is not even part of my daily real life vocabulary…

not liking a Particular situation DOES NOT MEAN I want to break of the friendship and condem them.

 

[Mayita30]

Is there a language barrier here making understanding a bit more complicated?

Is it a language barrier or a "quick to judge and attack the OP " problem ???

 

[pensmama87]

Is it a language barrier or a "quick to judge and attack the OP " problem ???

The same posts that you objected so strongly to did not seem nearly as harsh to me. You have reacted in a similar manner on other threads, where I also did not feel that replies to you were as offensive as you interpreted them to be.

That is why I am wondering if there is a language barrier. That might be helpful for other posters to know, because we can make attempts to be as crystal clear as possible. (Sometimes we can get lazy and take shortcuts that can be bewildering for non-native English speakers).

 

[pensmama87]

I know I’ve also had the experience where I have posted a thread and had posters that I normally really respected respond and I think to myself, “How did they suddenly get so mean and dumb?”

But that says more about me than about them, and I try to keep that in mind when I find myself reacting that way.

 

[Mayita30]

The same posts that you objected so strongly to did not seem nearly as harsh to me. You have reacted in a similar manner on other threads, where I also did not feel that replies to you were as offensive as you interpreted them to be.

That is why I am wondering if there is a language barrier. That might be helpful for other posters to know, because we can make attempts to be as crystal clear as possible. (Sometimes we can get lazy and take shortcuts that can be bewildering for non-native English speakers).

I think I was clear enough in all of my posts. You may insult my grammar all you want but that does not mean you have to judge and attack people who come here and look for an advice.

 

[Mayita30]

Just because I am against a particular situation does not mean I am condeming then you just made you own judgement…if you look back at my post I even said they are nice people

Another poster also wonders why lots of Ops here look for advice then get mad…wwhy do you think I was mad at some…iits because some of you made your own judgement and now that you have clarified things you insult my language or grammar…??? I woul not blame other Ops coming here only to be insulted and attack…TThere were so many people who understood me here n gave good advice

 

[Selah_KY]

I think I was clear enough in all of my posts. You may insult my grammar all you want but that does not mean you have to judge and attack people who come here and look for an advice.

Except NO ONE in this thread has attacked you or judged you, especially me. We gave kind advice based on the information you shared.

 

[pensmama87]

I think I was clear enough in all of my posts.** You may insult my grammar all you want** but that does not mean** you have to judge and attack people **who come here and look for an advice.

I was doing neither. I thought I had recalled an earlier post where you mentioned living in a non-English speaking country. If I am confusing you with another poster, I apologize.

But I think we’ve hit on another problem here. You are very quick to assume badly of other posters. That’s not going to get you far on a forum. Even the post from DarkLight that you really liked mentioned that you were misunderstanding other posters, who were saying the same things she was.

If you want us to treat you courteously, you should also be willing to extend the same courtesies to us. All anybody recommended in this thread was that it’s smart to have an official policy about overnight guests, and barring that you can ask your friend not to have her boyfriend sleep over, but she’s not obligated to follow through. Also a clarification on what cohabitation is.

Nobody is attacking you.

 

[Mayita30]

Except NO ONE in this thread has attacked you or judged you, especially me. We gave kind advice based on the information you shared.

I am done with this thread. You are the one who judged first lecturing about not judging them and using the term sin and sinner…

I came here looking for advice because I come from a conservative catholic family with priests and nuns on both sides of the family n it is my first time to be in this living arrangement.

That being said, I also mentioned they were nice people that is why I came here looking for advice

But what do you do ??? You turn it around and tell me that I have no business in their affairs …iis that even helpful

well if you continue to treat people that way then people wont be looking for any advices from you.

 

[Mayita30]

Sin is sin, and we are all sinners. So, I guess you are fake around EVERYONE then? And with yourself? We certainly aren’t going to win any converts to the faith if we treat treat every other human according to their sinfulness.

What he said!

Work on the relationships. Put yourself in the place where you can BE that person who your roommate will turn to for real spiritual advice.

This post derailed the whole thread. No one ever mention the word sin except you

And whats with the question of me being fake to everyone else including to myself? What is that all about?

 

[Selah_KY]

This post derailed the whole thread. No one ever mention the word sin except you

So, exactly what is your problem with what your roommate is doing if it isn’t sin?

I’m sorry offended you. That was never my intention. And I am still wondering what you mean when you say “Have you ever had an experience where you had to fake something knowing that the situation is contrary to your Catholic values…” because where I come from, if something is contrary to my Catholic values it is a SIN.

 

[Mayita30]

So, exactly what is your problem with what your roommate is doing if it isn’t sin?

I’m sorry offended you. That was never my intention. And I am still wondering what you mean when you say “Have you ever had an experience where you had to fake something knowing that the situation is contrary to your Catholic values…” because where I come from, if something is contrary to my Catholic values it is a SIN.

/well where I come from…something contrary to catholic vaues is also a sin but I don-t go around mentioning that word or calling anybody sinners

/ I came here looking for advice because I was trying hard to be nice to the boyfriend meaning faking that everyhting was fine with him staying here when actually I didnt approve of him staying here… I also mentioned that he was a very nice guy.and I asked advise if it was ok to hang out with them…so I sort of felt guilty for not approving of him staying with us…I cannot help feel uncomfortable in a situation like that because of my upbringing

SelahKY…just forget the whole thing… I hope I explained myself well… I just didnt want to be branded as someone condeming people as sinners…I think my posts were just misunderstood. You have a good night !!