Having a wedding in the Catholic church

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So my daughter is getting married next year - just got engaged. She lives out of state and wants the wedding in her home state. The city they want is centrally located for driving and flights for family members. She was raised Catholic and is still active. He is also an active Catholic. They are having a problem finding a church that will allow a wedding for non registered parishioners. She is getting frustrated and is ready to have a nondenominational wedding. Why does the Catholic church make it so hard for people of the Catholic faith to get married?!?!?
 
The Catholic Church typically likes to have weddings inside the home parish of the couple or a family parish, like a parish she was born in.

When you have it in a random parish, that can be hard for several reasons:
  1. parishioners come first
  2. not all parishes are “destination wedding locations,” meaning they don’t support non-parishioners due to availability and/or logistics. The ones that cater to non-parishioners, are often charge non-parishioners a lot of money.
  3. not all priests have the time to deal with the logistics required for non-parishioners. Esp one who was never a registered member of the parish. These logistics include pre-Cana, baptismal certificates, scheduling, etc
If you think about it, this is really not different in other denominations. Most churches (Catholic and non) are going to put their own parishioners first.

She would be MUCH better off selecting the parish she was baptized / confirmed in, esp if her parents still go there. Choosing a random city that is convenient for air travel is a kin to a “destination wedding” which the Church frowns on for theological, pastoral, and logistical reasons.

I pray this is helpful.

God Bless!
 
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I don’t think the Church makes it hard for people. I think people make it all about themselves though and expect the Church to accommodate them. Your daughter has three options. She can get married where she went to mass growing up, meaning at your home parish. She could get married at her future husbands parish that he attended, or they could get married at the parish she currently attends.

It is understandable, at least to me, why a parish is unwilling to have a wedding for which not a single member of the family is a member, just that it is convenient for the couple.

@1ke, can probably explain better than I can.
 
I hate the bash the Church, but why no make it easier for those who want to be married in the Church? So there would be some paperwork involved. Blah, blah. Come on, let’s help those who want to be married in the Church.
We are here in this world to worship and to serve God.
The Church should be here to help God’s people worship and serve God.
 
Because it’s the members of the parish who support that parish. They’re the one’s who pay the light and heating bills, and maintain the building.

When a person outside goes to such a parish and asks to be married there, they’re asking the parishioners to pay for their wedding by providing the church.

My question is, why haven’t they registered in the parish they plan to attend after marriage ?

Jim
 
To add to what Phil and Irishmom said, priests have a responsibility to ensure that the sacraments are properly dispensed. With marriage, this is particularly important and includes a lot of details. It’s difficult for them to do this for people they do not know.

I would encourage your daughter to meet first with the priest at the parish she currently attends—regardless of whether she plans on getting married there. Her current pastor can give her guidance on where she might be able to get married and what she might need to do for that.
 
Why doesn’t she just marry at home and let the family members travel to them? Is their illness problems or any mitigating factors. Surely it would be much nicer to marry in their local church, it would likely be where they have their life together, having children, baptism, first communions etc. I am sure family expect to travel to them and might even enjoy seeing them where they’ll be living
 
Joe_5859 said:
To add to what Phil and Irishmom said, priests have a responsibility to ensure that the sacraments are properly dispensed. With marriage, this is particularly important and includes a lot of details. It’s difficult for them to do this for people they do not know.

I would encourage your daughter to meet first with the priest at the parish she currently attends—regardless of whether she plans on getting married there. Her current pastor can give her guidance on where she might be able to get married and what she might need to do for that.
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They must meet with their Pastor even if a priest in another parish agreed to marry them.

I worked in the parish office and we did this all the time. Many couples opted to go “back home” to get married and at least one chose to marry in a city where the groom’s parents’ international flight landed.

They came to us with a date agreed upon at the other parish. Our priest, their pastor, did the prenuptial investigation and the marriage preparation.

Then the prenup book was forwarded to the Bishop with a request to permit a wedding in another parish. If the Bishop agreed, and I never knew him not to, he forwarded the paperwork to
a.) the priest who was to celebrate the wedding, if within our diocese, or
b.) the Bishop of the diocese where the wedding was to be celebrated who in turn agreed and forwarded the paperwork to the priest celebrant.
 
YourNameHere said:
If they both are practicing Catholics and are in good standing with the Church, they should be able to be married in whatever Catholic Church they want.
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This is a fine sentiment, but it does not work so well in practice. What are the limits? Can a couple just walk into any Catholic parish and demand that the priest marry them right then and there? How is he to know they are baptized Catholics with no impediments to a valid marriage?

I understand the desire to be accommodating. I, personally, have a very difficult time telling people “no.” If there is any way I can make something work for someone, I want to do it even if it makes my job more difficult. But this is simply unworkable on a large scale. At some point, the couple getting married has to acknowledge that they might have to be the ones who need to bend a little bit. It’s not reasonable to expect priests to do this.
 
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I did not say, marriage on demand, Joe.
But I do believe some accommodations can be made.
We live in an age where so many people just do not get married.
Why not try to make it a little easier for them to be married in the Church?
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate your point of view. 🙏
 
Kenny1943 said:
They are having a problem finding a church that will allow a wedding for non registered parishioners.
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Canon law requires that they be married in the parish where one of them resides or that they receive permission to be married elsewhere.
Kenny1943 said:
She is getting frustrated and is ready to have a nondenominational wedding
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She needs to step back and understand that she is asking for a sacrament in the Church and that the Church has the authority to regulate the sacraments.

Firstly, the valid form of marriage is in the Church with a priest or deacon and two witnesses. Secondly it is in the parish church of either the bride or the groom or permission for elsewhere.

She should START with the pastor of her own parish, who can then be the one to give this permission and reach out to the pastor at the parish where the bride/groom want to have their wedding.

There are canonical requirements that must be met and there will be coordination between the pastor preparing the couple for marriage and the pastor of the parish where the marriage takes place, if they are different.

You cannot just show up at the out-of-town parish and expect to be married. The pastor there has to have reviewed the marriage file from the preparing pastor/deacon and ensure there are no canonical impediments. This is actually quite a bit to ask of a pastor who doesn’t know you, and who will only see you on your wedding day. It can be done, but it take coordination starting with her own pastor.

And, yes, some pastors do not want to do this extra coordination because they are too busy with their own responsibilities and can’t take that on.
 
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YourNameHere said:
I did not say, marriage on demand, Joe.
But I do believe some accommodations can be made.
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Good to hear. 🙂

I can tell you from experience, that most any priest I know does make accommodations all the time. But there are limits. Coordinating marriage prep for two people and families that are completely unknown to anyone in the parish would be difficult.
 
Joe_5859 said:
I would encourage your daughter to meet first with the priest at the parish she currently attends—regardless of whether she plans on getting married there. Her current pastor can give her guidance on where she might be able to get married and what she might need to do for that.
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This too…So my advice is that your daughter needs to contact her parish priest, let him know what she would like and see what if anything he can do to help her.
 
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Kenny1943 said:
Why does the Catholic church make it so hard for people of the Catholic faith to get married?!?!?
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Again, step it back. Your daughter and her fiancé could EASILY be married in their own parishes. It is only because they want to get married somewhere else, with people who don’t know them and aren’t preparing them for marriage involved, that they have any extra steps to take.

The pastor in this third location has NO canonical jurisdiction over the two of them, is not their pastor so has no pastoral relationship with them either, and is under no obligation to take on their wedding. If he chooses to, wonderful, some pastor do.

For example, the pastor of my parish is the pastor of three parishes that cover 80 miles one way between the two most distant. He is already running all over for weddings, funerals, sick calls, and masses at the three parishes on the weekends. He would not be inclined to add a wedding of people he doesn’t know and have to go through all the extra paperwork because he frankly is stretched thin already ministering to his own parishioners.

Another pastor may be in a different situation and feel that he can take on the wedding of non-parishioners. It’s not about anyone wanting to make it “hard” on your daughter or future son-in-law, it is about your daughter and son-in-law not really having a firm grasp of what they are actually asking others to do for them with so little regard for their own time and schedules.

But you are going to get much further with pastor-to-pastor contact than the random-person-calling-the-parish-office approach.

In the end, it is both pastors who have to agree to this plan. So, your daughter needs to talk to her pastor.
 
YourNameHere said:
If they both are practicing Catholics and are in good standing with the Church, they should be able to be married in whatever Catholic Church they want
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Actually, that isn’t true.

Canon law specifies where they can marry and it isn’t “anywhere”, it is either the bride or groom’s parish OR with permission elsewhere.

The pastor at a parish where neither are parishioners has NO obligation to take on this wedding even if their own pastor gives permission. But if he does, he has an obligation to review the marriage file and premarital preparation documents to ensure that the marriage can be validly celebrated in his parish and by him or one of his deacons. It is a lot of extra coordination, not merely a “show up on the day” sort of thing.
 
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I do hear you on this.

My wife and I tried to get married at the Catholic church 8 blocks from our house and they refused. They said we needed to go to her “home” parish. We ended up having to go 20 min down the road to a much smaller church that was much more difficult to get to.

However, for a minimal donation of $1,800, they would have performed the wedding.
 
Difficult, but no impossible.
I appreciate the difficulties involved.
At my parish, there is only one priest. I know of few other people who work as hard as he must. What with marriages, funerals, baptisms, confessions, and a regular schedule of Masses to be said. God bless him! 🙏
 
I’m sorry! That is frustrating. People have mentioned some good reasons why this may be the case, but it’s frustrating none the less. I can sympathize, I’ve had a few moments where I thought, “why is the Church making this so hard when I’m just trying to the right thing?!”

In the end being patient and working with the Church according to the rules will be worth it. I hope your daughter does not opt out of a Catholic marriage over this! As some have suggested, starting with her own pastor is a good idea and I hope it works out one way or another.
 
I can see both sides to be honest, I get wanting to marry somewhere which makes it easier for loved ones to attend but I can also see that if anyone could marry anywhere you would get more desirable churches with a disproportionate number of weddings
 
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