Having a wedding in the Catholic church

[Joe_5859]

I’m sure there are Catholics who find themselves in equally weird situations.

I have no doubt.

The bottom line for the OP is that his daughter needs to meet with her pastor and begin to hash all this stuff out. She cannot start by cold calling parishes that are hundreds of miles away. That’s not going to be effective.

Maybe her situation warrants some special accommodations. Maybe not. But her local pastor is going to be the one to help navigate her through all of that.

 

[YourNameHere]

Absolutely. That is why I tried to preface what I said. Because I know she has a good heart!

 

[Pup7]

The bottom line for the OP is that his daughter needs to meet with her pastor and begin to hash all this stuff out. She cannot start by cold calling parishes that are hundreds of miles away. That’s not going to be effective.

Yes. Even in my case, that’s where I started. I would’ve loved to have had my wedding at my home church, but logistically it just didn’t make much sense. I called my church office and asked for help, and the reverend there said his gift to me would be to do whatever he could to assist. I really appreciated that.

I felt that cold calling was like going above the head of my home church, and that eventually that would get back to them, and not do me many favors.

 

[Augustinian]

For all you know, they tried and it just wasn’t possible. Sometimes the answer has to be “no”, and the loving and serving has to work both ways with the couple understanding why they may not be able to have it their way.

Then the staff didn’t do a very effective job at explaining it, otherwise the bride wouldn’t have been so frustrated. The vast majority of people understand when they can see you are doing what you can.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Sure, it can be Yes, and I presume in a parish where there are resources to cover the request, it often is Yes.

Sometimes when people do not belong to a parish, they have no idea of the hardships or concerns that parish or its pastor is dealing with and that there may be very good reasons he may want to say no, without much further explanation.

Also, from a practical standpoint if you think you are getting married in a year or 2 and may want to use St. X church in some distant city, start planning early. Go to Mass there a few times even if you have to travel. Introduce yourself to the priest and explain you are visiting from wherever and visit from time to time. Donate regularly to their collection, even if it’s a small amount, in a way that gets your name on the record (check or online donation). Then when you show up wanting something like a wedding, they may be much more attuned to helping you, and even refer you to another church if they can’t do it. I donate regularly to 3 or 4 churches in different places just in case I happen to need something in one of those cities.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

The other side of the world being more mobile is that many simply don’t have the same emotional ties to their parishes that someone who has lived in a parish all their life might have.

 

[yankeesouth]

You could make this a teaching moment. Obviously one would have to question if she has proper Faith formation if she was willing to put herself outside the Church over this. Maybe ask her how her reason for doing so will sound when she kneels before Jesus at judgement.

 

[TC3033]

I know you have these continuing problems with Catholic churches that don’t welcome you as a non-Catholic, but it does seem outside the pale. My non-Catholic husband was made to feel welcome wherever we went, including at our wedding time, at his funeral time (handled by a priest), and in between when we attended church together. I’m sorry you had a bad experience wherever you are.

If I haven’t told you this before, whenever I hear you say this it really does intrigue me. Heck, I never knew that NC’s could be parish “members” until you said it…that was after my wife bouncing between the two parishes here for like 13 years.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I actually expected my pastor to be less than friendly to my marrying a Protestant because I was raised on pre-Vatican II stories where “mixed marriages” weren’t even allowed in the church, but had to be in a chapel or someplace in the building but outside the main worship space. If you wanted a real “church wedding” or a Mass then the spouse needed to become a Catholic first. We were allowed to have the Church wedding and the Mass with no problems.

As for the funeral, it took place in a small town where the undertaker was Catholic and a great friend of Husband’s Protestant family and also of the local pastor who was in K of C with him, and the undertaker’s Protestant wife had been working at the Catholic school for decades, plus I’d made some past online contributions to the Catholic church there. Very ecumenical atmosphere.

 

[Clementine14]

On the other hand, if the Catholic Church wants to keep people from leaving the Church and to get more people to become Catholics, the Church might trying being a little more user-friendly?!!

As a lot of people have pointed out already, there is considerable work involved in planning a wedding for the church. There is the rehearsal, marital preparation, use of the church, paperwork, arranging altar servers, etc. All of this is additionally complicated if the couple lives long distance. Priests are extraordinarily busy people. Unless there is some kind of familial tie, I think it would be rather unusual for a priest to agree to hold a wedding for two people who don’t even live near the parish and who he’s never even seen before.

I don’t really understand the attitude that the Church is somehow making it hard for people to get married. It’s very simple- you can be married in your own parish.

 

[Phemie]

What law? A law that makes it difficult for two people to be married at a venue where they would like to be married?
I want to see couples married in the Catholic Church.
Whatever makes it more convenient is what should be done.
Marriage is a solemn and joyful ceremony.

The law that says

Can. 1108 §1. Only those marriages are valid which are contracted before the local ordinary, pastor, or a priest or deacon delegated by either of them, who assist, and before two witnesses according to the rules expressed in the following canons and without prejudice to the exceptions mentioned in cann. ⇒ 144, ⇒ 1112, §1, ⇒ 1116, and ⇒ 1127, §§1-2.

That’s why they have to go through their Pastor to get married. He can delegate someone else in another parish to celebrate it but the permission must come from him.

 

[TC3033]

Wow, that’s good to hear.

When we got married that priest and leadership seemed they were very much that of pre-Vatican II, even though I think he was a younger guy… I thought that the new priest was going to be much more progressive than prior, but over this past year seems to be much of the same.

It’s tough not being able to be part of parish life, that really makes it hard for us as a family to continue there. My wife was really…really close to leaving this spring due to some things that were said. Sounds like she’s going to hang through this year’s first communion and then re-evaluate.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

The pastor at a parish where neither are parishioners has NO obligation to take on this wedding even if their own pastor gives permission. But if he does, he has an obligation to review the marriage file and premarital preparation documents to ensure that the marriage can be validly celebrated in his parish and by him or one of his deacons. It is a lot of extra coordination, not merely a “show up on the day” sort of thing.

Yes to all this. I worked at a parish, and we got requests all the time for non-parishioner weddings for people from out of state. Some of our pastors were more willing than others to attempt to accommodate these extra weddings, but we had to dial it back and revisit the policy because it ended up being a lot of extra work on the pastor’s plate, when he already had a sizable parish of his own to take care of.

 

[YourNameHere]

We should be celebrating the fact that two people want to be married in the Catholic Church. I don’t understand the attitude that someone is going to have to go the extra mile to accommodate someone outside of a parish.
I know priests are busy. My parish has only one priest and about four hard-working deacons.

 

[Irishmom2]

We are celebrating that they want to get married in the Catholic Church. However, they are not entitled to get married in whatever church building they want. It has been explained why by many people. You can choose to hang on to your opinion, but it will not change how the Catholic Church operates.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

See this post below, if you missed it before. This is it, 100%.

Again, step it back. Your daughter and her fiancé could EASILY be married in their own parishes. It is only because they want to get married somewhere else, with people who don’t know them and aren’t preparing them for marriage involved, that they have any extra steps to take.

The pastor in this third location has NO canonical jurisdiction over the two of them, is not their pastor so has no pastoral relationship with them either, and is under no obligation to take on their wedding. If he chooses to, wonderful, some pastor do.

For example, the pastor of my parish is the pastor of three parishes that cover 80 miles one way between the two most distant. He is already running all over for weddings, funerals, sick calls, and masses at the three parishes on the weekends. He would not be inclined to add a wedding of people he doesn’t know and have to go through all the extra paperwork because he frankly is stretched thin already ministering to his own parishioners.

Another pastor may be in a different situation and feel that he can take on the wedding of non-parishioners. It’s not about anyone wanting to make it “hard” on your daughter or future son-in-law, it is about your daughter and son-in-law not really having a firm grasp of what they are actually asking others to do for them with so little regard for their own time and schedules.

But you are going to get much further with pastor-to-pastor contact than the random-person-calling-the-parish-office approach.

In the end, it is both pastors who have to agree to this plan. So, your daughter needs to talk to her pastor.

It’s not that people aren’t willing to “go the extra mile.” Many priests are already stretched so thin that they are about to break, and it would not be prudent for them to take on extra responsibilities when their first responsibilities are to those in their own parish (or parishes–many priests have 2-4). And as mentioned, it would be easy for the couple to get married in their local parish. It just isn’t their first choice.

 

[Calliope]

I’m curious, has your daughter actually looked into having a nondenominational wedding? And by that do you mean in a nondemoninational Christian church or a civil ceremony? I would think that any church would take issue with someone not part of the congregation asking to be accomodated simply because it was more convenient for them to be married there rather than someplace else.

Another option is for them to be married in one of their parishes by their own priest in a small ceremony and then have the reception anywhere they want, whatever is most convenient. That way they have the sacramental marriage and the convenience of celebrating with friends and family in a convenient location. It is not required that the party and the sacrament take place on the same day.

Going outside the Church for the actual marriage seems quite extreme, simply because one can’t get the location they prefer. And it’s not critical that everyone attend the ceremony itself.

The Church doesn’t make it hard for people to get married, but it’s not their job to cater to anyone’s convenience or whim on the type and locale of their wedding. It might benefit everyone involved to take a prayerful minute on what’s actually taking place here and what the point of marriage and the sacrament are all about, then move forward with some clarity and perspective. Best wishes to your daughter and her fiance.

 

[YourNameHere]

Sorry, I have irritated you so much with an opinion about trying to make it easier for people to get married in the Church.
Perhaps the Catholic Church could operate better if it accommodated others better.
I understand that some people are leaving the Church.
I believe that we must do whatever is necessary to keep that from happening. If that means, trying to help others, it would seem sensible to try to do that.
Irishmom2, this is a forum. You know, discuss stuff. More than one point of view.
But I know it is irritating to some of you folks.
I will pray for you.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I’m curious, has your daughter actually looked into having a nondenominational wedding? And by that do you mean in a nondemoninational Christian church or a civil ceremony? I would think that any church would take issue with someone not part of the congregation asking to be accomodated simply because it was more convenient for them to be married there rather than someplace else.

This is actually true. While there are no doubt some churches that would be willing to accommodate them, most non-Catholic churches would likewise have reservations about allowing someone not from the congregation to be married there. My (now) sister-in-law, who is Protestant, had this problem: she wanted to be married in a city where she did not reside, and she called several non-Catholic churches before she found one who let her use the space for the wedding.

 

[Calliope]

I see your point, but the issue isn’t really about getting married in the Church. It’s about being able to get married where and when a particular person decides they want to. Those are very different things. The Church is there, open and available and providing access to the sacraments, but it’s not in the business of being a wedding venue, as a hotel, hall etc is.

The Church is not a business that operates under the idea that the customer is always right and that the bride should be catered to on her wedding day. And honestly I don’t think that it would serve the Church or the members of the Church for those things to become priorities. If people leave because they can’t get their dream wedding where and when they want it, that really isn’t on the Church or a case of the Church not being welcoming. The Church is there to accomodate the spiritual needs, and that must always remain the priority. That is the help that it exists to provide.

It’s not about ease or convenience or trying to hang onto members by making them feel like they got 5 star service. If people leave because the Church doesn’t make life easy for them, well, the Church is still doing what Christ intended for it to do. Teach His truth and provide the sacraments to the faithful.