Having Difficulty Showing My Wife the Joy of Catholicism. Please Help

[Cat]

Okay, some of what you say, Cat, is true, but you need to resist the idea that you can diagnose my marriage from one post on a message board.

Our marriage is GREAT. For both of us. I talked to my wife last night and told her that I wanted her to know that I respect and love the journey into her faith that she’s made despite me sometimes expressing myself in ways that aren’t the most helpful to the cause.

She said thanks and then said “but it’s true, I do need to be pushed sometimes”. So everyone is failing to understand that she openly admits she is “lazy” about the faith that she knows is important. She (overall) thinks it’s good that I introduce her to things or remind her of things when it comes to faith that she might not otherwise know or be motivated to do herself. She made a joke “you keep me motivated to take care of my spiritual life and I keep you motivated to take care of your physical life”–since she keeps reminding me to work out.

I think Cat and some others here might have the wrong impression and that might be my fault for expressing the situation improperly.

I guess the bottom line is this. Sure she does things like goes to Mass on Sunday and Holy Days, she is open to the Rosary, she is open to the parish. However, she admits she can’t find the happiness and joy that she knows I get out of it. This is what I want to help her find. Maybe I CAN’T help her find it beyond constantly showing her that I have found it through my actions. I’m asking if there is something that people here can think of that’s a good way to show it to another person. It might not be possible.

I’m not here for marriage advice, our marriage is VERY healthy, loving, and happy. I’m simply hear to hear from people who might have encountered a similar situation.

It’s good to know that the marriage is healthy and strong.

Type B people don’t tend to “feel” as much as Type A people. Bs are more even-keeled. That’s one reason they’re healthier (physically) than Type As.

I’m thinking that your wife’s “joy” is simply not going to manifest itself the same way yours does. Remember the Blessed Mother–she “treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart.” That’s a Type B personality. They appreciate things, but they don’t do cartwheels.

And then, too, remember that your wife is mom to a little one, and that tends to be the focus for many mothers. Not so much Dad–he still has much of his “pre-baby life” and his “pre-baby body.” But mom has changed in so many ways; her body is now different and feels different, her time is no longer hers and never will be again, her sleep is often interrupted–it’s a huge change, and many women have to spend a few years absorbing all these changes and coming to terms with their new reality. Your wife is probably still trying to figure out how “Church” fits into all this.

It’s possible that your wife has seen or met someone in your parish who made a very negative impression on her, and she hasn’t shared this with you for some reason. This may be one reason she is not gung-ho over church. You may just have to wait for the time to be right for her to share what happened with you. Hopefully this isn’t the case, but sometimes, bad junk like this happens.

Godspeed to you and your family.

 

[catholicWI]

Update:

So, my wife and I kinda joked about how she’s going to help me work on my physical self (motivation to work out every day) and I am going to motivate her to work on your spiritual self.

She sent me a text asking if I had worked out yet at my office’s gym. I said I did and then asked “what are you doing today to work on your soul ”

She responded: “I’m going to read my psalm book”. She got a nice book of psalms from my parents for Christmas.

I responded, bringing up last Sunday for the first time since it happened, with, “Cool. Also, let me gently invite you to confession tomorrow morning with me…to clear up last Sunday . I don’t want to pressure you. I’m just inviting you. Love you.”

Did I stumble with that response? Thoughts?

thanks for the help everyone!

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

I would repeat what I said above: I’m glad I’m not your wife. No matter what she does, it’s not good enough.

 

[catholicWI]

I would repeat what I said above: I’m glad I’m not your wife. No matter what she does, it’s not good enough.

Thank you for your thoughtful contribution. I’m also glad you’re not my wife.

Sorry, I had to.

 

[kerkvliet]

OP—Being in a similar situation as you but I think a lot longer (my husband and I have been married 18 years), I would recommend backing off a bit. She knows that you don’t think her spiritual life is where it’s supposed to be, and she may start to resent you after a while and/or start to feel like whatever she does won’t be good enough.

I would also recommend that you go to Eucharistic Adoration sometime and pour out your concerns to Jesus, and then, just be quiet, sit and LISTEN to what he has to say. This has helped me a lot.

 

[maryjk]

Update:

So, my wife and I kinda joked about how she’s going to help me work on my physical self (motivation to work out every day) and I am going to motivate her to work on your spiritual self.

She sent me a text asking if I had worked out yet at my office’s gym. I said I did and then asked “what are you doing today to work on your soul ”

She responded: “I’m going to read my psalm book”. She got a nice book of psalms from my parents for Christmas.

I responded, bringing up last Sunday for the first time since it happened, with, “Cool. Also, let me gently invite you to confession tomorrow morning with me…to clear up last Sunday . I don’t want to pressure you. I’m just inviting you. Love you.”

Did I stumble with that response? Thoughts?

thanks for the help everyone!

I would repeat what I said above: I’m glad I’m not your wife. No matter what she does, it’s not good enough.

I have to agree with SuscipeMeDomine.

She responded with what she was doing. Your response should have been, “Sounds good.”

Instead you responded with, “Not good enough. Do more. And not only more, but do what I think you should do.”

I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if my husband told me that I needed to go to Confession.

 

[Lorelei12]

I have to agree with SuscipeMeDomine.

She responded with what she was doing. Your response should have been, “Sounds good.”

Instead you responded with, “Not good enough. Do more. And not only more, but do what I think you should do.”

I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if my husband told me that I needed to go to Confession.

I agree with this too. I think the invitation to confession could have waited, but if not it would have been better to say “I’m planning to go to confession tomorrow morning. Would you like to join me?” What you said sounded more like “I know you have something to confess, so I’m going to pretend I’m not being pushy by using the word ‘gently’.” It’s not appropriate to suggest what things your wife needs to confess. That is between her and God.

 

[catholicWI]

OP—Being in a similar situation as you but I think a lot longer (my husband and I have been married 18 years), I would recommend backing off a bit. She knows that you don’t think her spiritual life is where it’s supposed to be, and she may start to resent you after a while and/or start to feel like whatever she does won’t be good enough.

I would also recommend that you go to Eucharistic Adoration sometime and pour out your concerns to Jesus, and then, just be quiet, sit and LISTEN to what he has to say. This has helped me a lot.

Thank you

 

[catholicWI]

Yes, I might have botched that text response. Now I’m upset with myself! I need to really think before I respond to her sometimes.

 

[MarkInOregon]

…Continued from previous post

My fear is that our son and future children see parents that have different spiritual lives or that if something were to happen to me, my children would not be raised with a strong Catholic faith since I’d be the only one that tries to learn things myself so I can teach them to my children. I told my wife this scares me.

I love my wife more than anything. Our marriage is AMAZING. She is a wonderful woman and a wonderful mother. I just so badly want her to see the beauty, joy, importance, and truth of Catholicism–I know our marriage can be even BETTER! I want her to fall in love with her faith. I want her to be excited to share it with our children. While she is definitely making linear progress, it’s very slow and I fear it could just stop. I walk a fine line of trying to guide her in her faith and not trying to be overbearing. For instance: should I suggest she return to confession or not receive communion next week for purposely missing Mass or should I just focus on the big picture and not do what might be seen as “nit-picking” since I know overall we’re moving in the right direction.

Am I worrying for no reason? Is there something I can do that I’m not doing? Has anyone experienced this?

You wife is reading, she’s going to Mass, she went back to confession–you should be happy with that. If she’s been willing to do all the things you said–she is making progress. We all progress at different rates. You can’t give her a conversion experience. As long as she is open, going to Mass and willing to read books on the Catholic faith–hopefully she will grow and one day have that conversion experience. That aha moment–I remember sitting on the couch one night reading–and it was something I am sure I had heard at Mass and read numerous times before but all of a sudden I read it and a light went on for me but no one could do that for me (and you can’t do it for your wife)–I had to be ready to “hear” what I was reading. Give your wife time to get there–rather than being disappointed tell her how happy you are in her progress, her openness to do the things she is doing. Most of all pray for her. Don’t make her feel guilty or pressure her–in the long run that may drive her away from the faith. Be happy and joyful and set a good example.

Has she seen the Catholicism series by Fr. Barron or read the book? I think they’re very good and accessible–a very good entry point and very well done. Perhaps some biographies – Thomas Mertons autobiography I found very good–it is an interesting journey to the faith and it influenced a lot of people when it originally came out. I encourage you to be a patient and encouraging helpmate on her journey and a prayer warrior for her. My fear would be that if she continually feels she is disappointing you despite what she views as her best efforts she might just get tired and give up trying.

I wish you and your wife all the best and will pray for you both.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[Lookingforjoy]

Have you paused to consider that maybe your wife’s spiritual path is different than yours? I know that some people feel closer to God by reading a lot of theology and that’s great! Personally, I feel closest to God when I’m serving others. I’m more likely to have a spiritual experience in a homeless shelter than in a Catholic women’s group. My husband is completely different.

Have you asked your wife what SHE wants to do? If anything has resonated with her? What would happen if you backed off and let her listen to God herself? It sounds like you think she’d slack off, but maybe you should give her some space to listen for the Lord on her own, without worrying about pleasing you or following what you think she should do.