Having issues.

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dsmantz

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I’ve got a few things going on that I would like to get some advice about. Here lately (month or so?), it seems that I’m losing my spirituality. Not my faith, mind you. Ever since I started working for the Diaconate in the UMC, I’ve been involved in apologetics. I guess I’ve ruined my belief in God, Christ, and everything else. I now have a sense of “knowing”. I have no doubt what so ever, and so I’ve lost the mystery.

I can’t bring myself to pray. I say a short and quick prayer before meals, but I used to pray for hours. Down on my knees at the bedroom window, crying, laughing, damning and reconciling. Now I can’t even make a heart-felt act of contrition. Not because I’m not truly remorseful and sorry for my sins, but because I feel it require me becoming close and intimate with God once more, and I’m scared to.

I’ve done some pretty messed up stuff in my youth, and it’s hard to believe that God would want anything to do with me. I go to confession, and I’m absolved, but I still worry. Not that I still have the stain of sin on my soul, but just because I’m forgiven doesn’t mean that I won’t suffer the punishment in relation to the sin. THAT frightens me.

I want to come back to Him. I miss Him. I want to come back to the spiritual side of things. Not just having the knowledge of apologetics and Scripture, but how those can affect my relationship with Christ.

Anyone got some advice?
 
dsmantz said:
I’ve got a few things going on that I would like to get some advice about. Here lately (month or so?), it seems that I’m losing my spirituality. Not my faith, mind you. Ever since I started working for the Diaconate in the UMC, I’ve been involved in apologetics. I guess I’ve ruined my belief in God, Christ, and everything else. I now have a sense of “knowing”. I have no doubt what so ever, and so I’ve lost the mystery.

I can’t bring myself to pray. I say a short and quick prayer before meals, but I used to pray for hours. Down on my knees at the bedroom window, crying, laughing, damning and reconciling. Now I can’t even make a heart-felt act of contrition. Not because I’m not truly remorseful and sorry for my sins, but because I feel it require me becoming close and intimate with God once more, and I’m scared to.

I’ve done some pretty messed up stuff in my youth, and it’s hard to believe that God would want anything to do with me. I go to confession, and I’m absolved, but I still worry. Not that I still have the stain of sin on my soul, but just because I’m forgiven doesn’t mean that I won’t suffer the punishment in relation to the sin. THAT frightens me.

I want to come back to Him. I miss Him. I want to come back to the spiritual side of things. Not just having the knowledge of apologetics and Scripture, but how those can affect my relationship with Christ.

Anyone got some advice?
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When you think He is far away, then He is near. This is only for a time, and is common. God has a purpose even in spiritual dryness. I used to say My Jesus Mercy as many times as I could. As for your past look into King David, or read St. Augustines’ Confessions. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom. Perfect Love casts out all fear.You were created for Love, and you will be restless until you rest in Love.You never left. Be patient and be not afraid.

peace
 
dsmantz said:
I’ve got a few things going on that I would like to get some advice about. Here lately (month or so?), it seems that I’m losing my spirituality. Not my faith, mind you. Ever since I started working for the Diaconate in the UMC, I’ve been involved in apologetics. I guess I’ve ruined my belief in God, Christ, and everything else. I now have a sense of “knowing”. I have no doubt what so ever, and so I’ve lost the mystery.

I can’t bring myself to pray. I say a short and quick prayer before meals, but I used to pray for hours. Down on my knees at the bedroom window, crying, laughing, damning and reconciling. Now I can’t even make a heart-felt act of contrition. Not because I’m not truly remorseful and sorry for my sins, but because I feel it require me becoming close and intimate with God once more, and I’m scared to.

I’ve done some pretty messed up stuff in my youth, and it’s hard to believe that God would want anything to do with me. I go to confession, and I’m absolved, but I still worry. Not that I still have the stain of sin on my soul, but just because I’m forgiven doesn’t mean that I won’t suffer the punishment in relation to the sin. THAT frightens me.

I want to come back to Him. I miss Him. I want to come back to the spiritual side of things. Not just having the knowledge of apologetics and Scripture, but how those can affect my relationship with Christ.

Anyone got some advice?
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Hi,

Please don’t be afraid to come closer to Jesus. He has revealed to various Saints, that it actually hurts Him when we are afraid of this, when we distrust His goodness or mercy or forgiveness in Confession. I think it might help you to just talk to Him and open up about everything, in your heart. If you are not yet able to, just will it, and pray that you would be able to 🙂 pray to our Blessed Mother for help as well.

It might help you to read “Divine Mercy in My Soul”… why do you believe that Jesus would not forgive you? I have done some really messed up things too, but so did some of the Saints, and they became Saints 🙂 God ALWAYS forgives us when we confess our sins with repentance and honesty. Why would He not forgive us, after dying for us on the Cross? Remember He died just so that He could forgive you… that is the ultimate proof of His love. I will post some quotes from Divine Mercy in My Soul for you 🙂

God bless :hug1: God loves you! He doesn’t want to be distant from you 🙂 It seems your problem here is really distrust… try to trust in His goodness, - the enemy really fears that.
 
Jesus’ Speaks about Mercy (to St Faustina)

I desire that priests proclaim this great mercy of Mine towards souls of sinners. Let the sinner not be afraid to approach Me. The flames of mercy are burning Me - clamouring to be spent; I want to pour them out upon these souls…Distrust on the part of souls is tearing at My insides. The distrust of a chosen soul causes Me even greater pain; despite My inexhaustible love for them they do not trust Me. Even my death is not enough for them. Woe to the soul that abuses these [gifts]. (50)

And even if the sins of soul are as dark as night, when the sinner turns to My mercy he gives Me the greatest praise and is the glory of My Passion. (378)

My daughter, do you think you have written enough about My mercy? What you have written is but a drop compared to the ocean. I am Love and Mercy itself. There is no misery that could be a match for My mercy, neither will misery exhaust it, because as it is being granted - it increases. The soul that trusts in My mercy is most fortunate, because I myself take care of it. (1273)

Write, speak of My mercy. Tell souls where they are to look for solace; that is, in the Tribunal of Mercy. There the greatest miracles take place [and] are incessantly repeated. To avail oneself of this miracle, it is not necessary to go on a great pilgrimage or to carry out some external ceremony; it suffices to come with faith to the feet of My representative and to reveal to him one’s misery, and the miracle of Divine Mercy will be fully demonstrated. Were a soul like a decaying corpse so that from a human standpoint, there would be no [hope of ] restoration and everything would already be lost, it is not so with God. The miracle of Divine Mercy restores that soul in full. Oh, how miserable are those who do not take advantage of the miracle of God’s mercy! You will call out in vain, but it will be too late. (1448)

Have confidence, My child. Do not lose heart in coming for pardon, for I am always ready to forgive you. As often as you beg for it, you glorify My mercy. (Jesus to souls striving for perfection and holiness - 1488)

My daughter, do not tire of proclaiming My mercy. In this way you will refresh this Heart of Mine, which burns with a flame of pity for sinners. Tell My priests that hardened sinners will repent on hearing their words when they speak about My unfathomable mercy, about the compassion I have for them in My Heart. To priests who proclaim and extol My mercy, I will give wondrous power; I will anoint their words and touch the hearts of those to whom they speak. (1521)

Tell them that no soul that has called upon My mercy has been disappointed or brought to shame. I delight particularly in a soul which has placed its trust in My goodness. (1541)

Know, My daughter, that between Me and you there is a bottomless abyss, an abyss which separates the Creator from the creature. But this abyss is filled with My mercy. (1576)

Let souls who are striving for perfection particularly adore My mercy, because the abundance of graces which I grant them flows from My mercy. I desire that these souls distinguish themselves by boundless trust in My mercy. I myself will attend to the sanctification of such souls. I will provide them with everything they will need to attain sanctity. (1578)

Today I heard the words: In the Old Covenant I sent prophets wielding thunderbolts to My people. Today I am sending you with My mercy to the people of the whole world. I do not want to punish aching mankind, but I desire to heal it, pressing it to My merciful Heart. I use punishment when they themselves force Me to do so; My hand is reluctant to take hold of the sword of justice. Before the Day of Justice I am sending the Day of Mercy. (1588)
 
Conversation of the Merciful God with a Sinful Soul

Jesus: Be not afraid of your Savior, O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for I know that by yourself you are unable to lift yourself to me. Child, do not run away from your Father; be willing to talk openly with your God of mercy who wants to speak words of pardon and lavish his graces on you. How dear your soul is to Me! I have inscribed your name upon My hand; you are engraved as a deep wound in My Heart.
Soul: Lord, I hear your voice calling me to turn back from the path of sin, but I have neither the strength nor the courage to do so.
Jesus: I am your strength, I will help you in the struggle. Soul: Lord, I recognize your holiness, and I fear You.
Jesus: My child, do you fear the God of mercy? My holiness (80) does not prevent Me front being merciful. Behold, for you I have established a throne of mercy on earth—the tabernacle—and from this throne I desire to enter into your heart. I am not surrounded by a retinue or guards. You can come to me at any moment, at any time; I want to speak to you and desire to grant you grace.
Soul: Lord, I doubt that You will pardon my numerous sins; my misery fills me with fright.
Jesus: My mercy is greater than your sins and those of the entire world. Who can measure the extent of my goodness? For you I descended from heaven to earth; for you I allowed myself to be nailed to the cross; for you I let my Sacred Heart be pierced with a lance, thus opening wide the source of mercy for you. Come, then, with trust to draw graces from this fountain. I never reject a contrite heart. Your misery has disappeared in the depths of My mercy. Do not argue with Me about your wretchedness. You will give me pleasure if you hand over to me all your troubles and griefs. I shall heap upon you the treasures of My grace.
(81) Soul: You have conquered, O Lord, my stony heart with Your goodness. In trust and humility I approach the tribunal of Your mercy, where You yourself absolve me by the hand of your representative. O Lord, I feel Your grace and Your peace filling my poor soul. I feel overwhelmed by Your mercy, O Lord. You forgive me, which is more than I dared to hope for or could imagine. Your goodness surpasses all my desires. And now, filled with gratitude for so many graces, I invite You to my heart. I wandered, like a prodigal child gone astray; but you did not cease to be my Father. Increase Your mercy toward me, for You see how weak I am.
Jesus: Child, speak no more of your misery; it is already forgotten. Listen, My child, to what I desire to tell you. Come close to My wounds and draw from the Fountain of Life whatever your heart desires. Drink copiously from the Fountain of Life and you will not weary on your journey. Look at the splendors of My mercy and do not fear the enemies of your salvation. Glorify My mercy.
(82)
 
Conversation of the Merciful God with a Despairing Soul.

Jesus: O soul steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost. Come and confide in your God, who is love and mercy.

-But the soul, deaf even to this appeal, wraps itself in darkness.

Jesus calls out again: My child, listen to the voice of your merciful Father.
  • In the soul arises this reply: “For me there is no mercy,” and it falls into greater darkness, a despair which is a foretaste of hell and makes it unable to draw near to God.
Jesus calls to the soul a third time, but the soul remains deaf and blind, hardened and despairing. Then the mercy of God begins to exert itself, and, without any co-operation from the soul, God grants it final grace. If this too is spurned, God will leave the soul in this self-chosen disposition for eternity. This grace emerges from the merciful Heart of Jesus and gives the soul a special light by means of which the soul begins to understand God’s effort; but conversion depends on its own will. The soul knows that this, for her, is final grace and, should it show even a flicker of good will, the mercy of God will accomplish the rest.

My omnipotent mercy is active here. Happy the soul that takes advantage of this grace.

Jesus: What joy fills My Heart when you return to me. Because you are weak, I take you in My arms and carry you to the home of My Father.

Soul (as if awaking, asks fearfully): Is it possible that there yet is mercy for me?

Jesus: There is, My child. You have a special claim on My mercy. Let it act in your poor soul; let the rays of grace enter your soul; they bring with them light, warmth, and life.

Soul: But fear fills me at the thought of my sins, and this terrible fear moves me to doubt Your goodness.

Jesus: My child, all your sins have not wounded My Heart as painfully as your present lack of trust does - that after so many efforts of My love and mercy, you should still doubt My goodness.

Soul: O Lord, save me yourself, for I perish. Be my Savior. O Lord, I am unable to say anything more; my pitiful heart is torn asunder; but You, O Lord… Jesus does not let the soul finish but, raising it from the ground, from the depths of its misery, he leads it into the recesses of His Heart where all its sins disappear instantly, consumed by the flames of love.

Jesus: Here, soul, are all the treasures of My Heart. Take everything you need from it.

Soul: O Lord, I am inundated with Your grace. I sense that a new life has entered into me and, above all, I feel Your love in my heart. That is enough for me. O Lord, I will glorify the omnipotence of Your mercy for all eternity. Encouraged by Your goodness, I will confide to You all the sorrows of my heart.

Jesus: Tell me all, My child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of your Best Friend, is listening to you.

Soul: O Lord, now I see all my ingratitude and Your goodness. You were pursuing me with Your grace, while I was frustrating Your benevolence. I see that I deserve the depths of hell for spurning Your graces.

Jesus (interrupting): Do not be absorbed in your misery-you are still too weak to speak of it-but, rather, gaze on My Heart filled with goodness, and be imbued with My sentiments. Strive for meekness and humility; be merciful to others, as I am to you; and, when you feel your strength failing, if you come to the fountain of mercy to fortify your soul, you will not grow weary on your journey.
 
:grouphug::highprayer:Thank you Monica for prayers-I am going through some spiritual issues, too-and hope things are going better for you, too 🙂
 
dsmantz said:
I’ve
Anyone got some advice?
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get a spiritual director who is versed in classic Catholic spirituality because for the devout soul there is a progression toward purification that can involve this difficulty in prayer, and it takes experience and knowledge of what is normal to discern and help you through it. This stage can take years. The Dark Night by St. John of the Cross is the classic work but it needs direction to help you understand what he is saying.

a good basic introduction to the stages of the spiritual journey for moderns are Fr. Groeschel’s books Journey Toward God and Spiritual Passages.
 
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