Having marital problems

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ellam25

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Hi everyone my husband and I have been married three years and together for five. We just had a little girl in November. It seems like the past month or so we have been fighting every day …mainly about chores and the baby. I feel like he does not help enough but expects me to clean, take care if the baby and make dinner and do the grocery shopping… When I ask for his help he always sighs really big and complains. He feels that I am bossy and mean which I do agree sometimes I am both but I also feel like I would never receive any help if I wasn’t. I feel like we are really starting to not like each other. Help. Oh also he doesn’t think we need counseling.
 
ellam25 said:
Hi everyone my husband and I have been married three years and together for five. We just had a little girl in November. It seems like the past month or so we have been fighting every day …mainly about chores and the baby. I feel like he does not help enough but expects me to clean, take care if the baby and make dinner and do the grocery shopping… When I ask for his help he always sighs really big and complains. He feels that I am bossy and mean which I do agree sometimes I am both but I also feel like I would never receive any help if I wasn’t. I feel like we are really starting to not like each other. Help. Oh also he doesn’t think we need counseling.
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I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like you’re working?

Here are some ideas (I’m working on the assumption that you are employed):

–stop fighting and “reminding” all the time.
–make a list of household tasks with your husband (by the way, keeping the household running and knowing what needs to happen is also a task and being in charge of the baby when the baby is awake is also a task)
–ask him to choose some tasks
–aim for roughly equal free time for both of you in the evening
–the person not doing household tasks gets to play with the baby (you cook–he plays with the baby, he cleans the bathroom–you play with the baby, you mow the lawn–he plays with the baby).
–Offer him choices. “Would you like to cook dinner or hold the baby?” or “Would you like to clean up after dinner and load the dishwasher or hold the baby?”
–if he’s supposed to grocery shop and doesn’t do it, make dinner from whatever is at home
–Let him do stuff his way and don’t hover–you should have something of your own to do.
–choose a convenient time to use for major household tasks like cleaning (for instance Saturday morning), rather than attempting to do a little bit every night.
–remind your husband about the household stuff Saturday on Friday night (for example). Otherwise, zip it.
–if it’s at all feasible, get some household help. If you can’t afford a monthly cleaner, hire a babysitter for a couple of hours at home while you do some fast heavy cleaning (that would be harder on you, but less expensive).
–don’t fight before meals or after your normal bedtime. Eat and go to bed at a decent hour.

If you’re a SAHM, I would probably tweak that a little, as it should be possible for you to do nearly all the grocery shopping during the week (even if just a little at a time) if you have a car.
 
Xantippe said:
I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like you’re working?

Here are some ideas (I’m working on the assumption that you are employed):

–stop fighting and “reminding” all the time.
–make a list of household tasks with your husband (by the way, keeping the household running and knowing what needs to happen is also a task and being in charge of the baby when the baby is awake is also a task)
–ask him to choose some tasks
–aim for roughly equal free time for both of you in the evening
–the person not doing household tasks gets to play with the baby (you cook–he plays with the baby, he cleans the bathroom–you play with the baby, you mow the lawn–he plays with the baby).
–Offer him choices. “Would you like to cook dinner or hold the baby?” or “Would you like to clean up after dinner and load the dishwasher or hold the baby?”
–if he’s supposed to grocery shop and doesn’t do it, make dinner from whatever is at home
–Let him do stuff his way and don’t hover–you should have something of your own to do.
–choose a convenient time to use for major household tasks like cleaning (for instance Saturday morning), rather than attempting to do a little bit every night.
–remind your husband about the household stuff Saturday on Friday night (for example). Otherwise, zip it.
–if it’s at all feasible, get some household help. If you can’t afford a monthly cleaner, hire a babysitter for a couple of hours at home while you do some fast heavy cleaning (that would be harder on you, but less expensive).
–don’t fight before meals or after your normal bedtime. Eat and go to bed at a decent hour.

If you’re a SAHM, I would probably tweak that a little, as it should be possible for you to do nearly all the grocery shopping during the week (even if just a little at a time) if you have a car.
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👍

Also, if you feel like you should have counselling but he won’t go, go by yourself. You’ll learn how to improve things at your end, and you should be able to use that to help your marriage.

Lou
 
Xantippe said:
I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like you’re working?

Here are some ideas (I’m working on the assumption that you are employed):

–stop fighting and “reminding” all the time.
–make a list of household tasks with your husband (by the way, keeping the household running and knowing what needs to happen is also a task and being in charge of the baby when the baby is awake is also a task)
–ask him to choose some tasks
–aim for roughly equal free time for both of you in the evening
–the person not doing household tasks gets to play with the baby (you cook–he plays with the baby, he cleans the bathroom–you play with the baby, you mow the lawn–he plays with the baby).
–Offer him choices. “Would you like to cook dinner or hold the baby?” or “Would you like to clean up after dinner and load the dishwasher or hold the baby?”
–if he’s supposed to grocery shop and doesn’t do it, make dinner from whatever is at home
–Let him do stuff his way and don’t hover–you should have something of your own to do.
–choose a convenient time to use for major household tasks like cleaning (for instance Saturday morning), rather than attempting to do a little bit every night.
–remind your husband about the household stuff Saturday on Friday night (for example). Otherwise, zip it.
–if it’s at all feasible, get some household help. If you can’t afford a monthly cleaner, hire a babysitter for a couple of hours at home while you do some fast heavy cleaning (that would be harder on you, but less expensive).
–don’t fight before meals or after your normal bedtime. Eat and go to bed at a decent hour.

If you’re a SAHM, I would probably tweak that a little, as it should be possible for you to do nearly all the grocery shopping during the week (even if just a little at a time) if you have a car.
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Yes I work I am a nanny . I am only part time right now while he is full time but when he is gone to work its hard to get much done with my daughter. Thank you for the advice.
 
Lou2U said:
👍

Also, if you feel like you should have counselling but he won’t go, go by yourself. You’ll learn how to improve things at your end, and you should be able to use that to help your marriage.

Lou
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Yes.
 
Is all this really since the baby? Did he do “his fair share” before? Sometimes things can kind of erupt when a family stretches by one more. Think this through and see what is different. Is he feeling the “daddy blues” of being left out/not the center of your world? Are you more tired and not taking time to be kind? Are you having a bout of postpartum depression yourself? Not trying to blame, these things happen and have to be addressed.
  1. Baby wearing. Put the baby in a maya wrap/ring sling/mobi wrap and go for it! Baby is next to you and happy, you have mobility.
  2. Get yourself a system for household chores and meals. Crock pots and pressure cookers have saved us.
  3. Learn to fight fair and treat each other with respect. There is no place for meanness or disrespect in a Chrsitian home. That doesn’t mean you can’t disagree.
  4. Counseling for yourself or at the very least connect with a mom’s group at your parish to surround yourself with women who have been where you are.
 
Lou2U said:
👍

Also, if you feel like you should have counselling but he won’t go, go by yourself. You’ll learn how to improve things at your end, and you should be able to use that to help your marriage.

Lou
Click to expand...
I agree. It will give you the opportunity to express your feelings to a neutral, objective person pledged to keep it confidential.

Also, your going to counseling by yourself highlights the importance of the problems to your husband. He will see how seriously you are taking this.
 
ellam25 said:
Hi everyone my husband and I have been married three years and together for five. We just had a little girl in November. It seems like the past month or so we have been fighting every day …mainly about chores and the baby. I feel like he does not help enough but expects me to clean, take care if the baby and make dinner and do the grocery shopping… When I ask for his help he always sighs really big and complains. He feels that I am bossy and mean which I do agree sometimes I am both but I also feel like I would never receive any help if I wasn’t. I feel like we are really starting to not like each other. Help. Oh also he doesn’t think we need counseling.
Click to expand...
I also think you should read Karen Pryor’s book “Don’t Shoot the Dog.” It’s about the theory and practice of positive reinforcement.

“Transforming the Difficult Child” is also a helpful book, but a less easy read.

Both books are about improving behavior through positive reinforcement. I think you’ll get a lot out of them, both personally and professionally.

A John Gottman book would specifically address marriage issues and I think you should probably read one, but “Don’t Shoot the Dog” will give you a strong theoretical grounding in positive reinforcement.
 
Those first few months are really, really hard. I thought it would never get any easier, but it did. It’s so difficult to get anything at all done when the baby takes such short naps- it seems like you never finish anything you start. It did start getting better for me around the 4-5 month mark, that I recall because the naps got a little longer plus I started to develop various “systems” for getting things done.

I work part time as well, so I know what a difficult balance it can be. Something that helps us is for me to be very specific about what I need: “The dishwasher needs to be loaded and the sink needs to be cleaned- would you rather do that or watch the baby while I do it?” (Like Xantippe mentioned- this works really well for us.) I’m not sure how your home is set up, but I have a playpen in the kitchen that I can put the baby in while I cook dinner (it is far away from the counter or stove), and one night per week we order pizza so that I don’t have to cook. If you don’t have one, the Fisher Price Kick n’ Play Piano was a lifesaver for us- it entertained the baby for quite awhile so that I could get things done. Over time, you tend to find ways to work around the situation you’re in.

Someone else asked whether this is a recent development, or whether your husband always acted this way? I think this is an important question- those first few months are hard, and for us, just waiting it out and figuring it out little by little, was best for us. Knowing that it was a temporary situation we were in and that time was what we needed to get into a rhythm was helpful. If this is more indicative of your husband’s true character though, maybe counseling yourself would be helpful, even if he will not go with you.

Do you absolutely need your job? If you can’t handle it all and he is not being helpful, can you explain to him that something needs to give?
 
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