Having problems with husband. Need advice

[barboza21]

My husband and I have been together 5 years. But We just married 4 months ago.

Lately we argue a lot. It seems to me he gets mad/frustrated very easily. He hates when I ask what he was doing or why he took so long. He said he doesn’t want me to be questioning him.
I feel like there’s nothing wrong with asking him and if he’s not doing anything wrong he shouldn’t have a problem with telling me.
The reason I ask him so much is because I am afraid he goes out and he takes so long being out because he stops to hang out with friends. That’s a problem to me because we work at a small grocery store in Mexico and its all day work. If I go out I make sure to not take long because we have to work. But it seems, he doesn’t care if he takes long. Like he’s more irresponsible or careless.
Right now I am on bed-rest due to a threatened miscarriage. So I cant work. Its all on him. Last week, he had a young man helping at the store so he could run errands, but when he comes back, it seems to me he just blow time in unimportant things like fixing a radio or talking to people on the street. It bothers me because we don’t have money to be paying the guy and my husband thinks its easy.
The other day all he did was get some groceries and put up a string o Christmas lights. That’s all. How can he not see this is not okay? The rest of the day he wasted it here and there smoking and having some beer while the guy is at the store and we have to pay him for being there all day.

When I try to talk to him, he gets mad. He doesn’t like me telling him he’s doing something wrong. I don’t know how to talk to him.
I know I am not a saint. I make my mistakes, but I cant stop thinking this problem is because of him.

Another big problem I have with him is that when he closes the store and comes in the house, he does whatever he has to so our 2 year old and I are ready to go to bed. Then he walks out and goes upstairs onto the terrace. He will stay up there till 3 in the morning. Sometimes more or less. His reasons: he was doing something. like fixing his radios, fixing some cables, fixing some lighting… or he says hes ‘relaxing’ with music and cigarretes. or hes watching the house because he saw a gang on the corner (and that is common, but its not necessary to be up 3 hours watching the house)

The other day I saw what looked like him hiding in the shed upstairs. I went in there and saw a small bent plastic tube. It was white inside. I asked him ‘what is this?’ and he got mad and said o come on that’s been there for months. Its used to snort? cocaine. H says its not his that a buddy of his did it once. and its been there since. and he wants me to believe this. ??? Why would I believe this??? A lot of the times I get so angry because I feel he thinks im naïve, or stupid to believe his lies.

We just had an argument and he says mean things and it makes me sad. and then he comes back and says he hates arguing with me. But when we try to talk, we just end up arguing.

When we aren’t arguing he can be nice. He changes our sons diaper, helps me take a shower and does some of the things around the house that I cant do right now because of bed-rest. He’ll help me get dressed and put my shoes on and get me something to eat.
But at night, its like he’s a monster because at night he just wants to be upstairs until freaking late.

I’m sorry this post is all over the place. I have a lot of things on my mind and my toddler wants to watch his ABC and 123 videos on the computer… So I am rushing.

I guess im asking for advice on how to talk to him and if anyone might have any idea why hes behaving like this. I know we need to communicate, but I guess we don’t know how to right now.

I am Catholic, he is not.
I am just so lost on this.

 

[phil19034]

My husband and I have been together 5 years. But We just married 4 months ago.

Lately we argue a lot. It seems to me he gets mad/frustrated very easily. He hates when I ask what he was doing or why he took so long. He said he doesn’t want me to be questioning him.
I feel like there’s nothing wrong with asking him and if he’s not doing anything wrong he shouldn’t have a problem with telling me.
The reason I ask him so much is because I am afraid he goes out and he takes so long being out because he stops to hang out with friends. That’s a problem to me because we work at a small grocery store in Mexico and its all day work. If I go out I make sure to not take long because we have to work. But it seems, he doesn’t care if he takes long. Like he’s more irresponsible or careless.
Right now I am on bed-rest due to a threatened miscarriage. So I cant work. Its all on him. Last week, he had a young man helping at the store so he could run errands, but when he comes back, it seems to me he just blow time in unimportant things like fixing a radio or talking to people on the street. It bothers me because we don’t have money to be paying the guy and my husband thinks its easy.
The other day all he did was get some groceries and put up a string o Christmas lights. That’s all. How can he not see this is not okay? The rest of the day he wasted it here and there smoking and having some beer while the guy is at the store and we have to pay him for being there all day.

When I try to talk to him, he gets mad. He doesn’t like me telling him he’s doing something wrong. I don’t know how to talk to him.
I know I am not a saint. I make my mistakes, but I cant stop thinking this problem is because of him.

Another big problem I have with him is that when he closes the store and comes in the house, he does whatever he has to so our 2 year old and I are ready to go to bed. Then he walks out and goes upstairs onto the terrace. He will stay up there till 3 in the morning. Sometimes more or less. His reasons: he was doing something. like fixing his radios, fixing some cables, fixing some lighting… or he says hes ‘relaxing’ with music and cigarretes. or hes watching the house because he saw a gang on the corner (and that is common, but its not necessary to be up 3 hours watching the house)

The other day I saw what looked like him hiding in the shed upstairs. I went in there and saw a small bent plastic tube. It was white inside. I asked him ‘what is this?’ and he got mad and said o come on that’s been there for months. Its used to snort? cocaine. H says its not his that a buddy of his did it once. and its been there since. and he wants me to believe this. ??? Why would I believe this??? A lot of the times I get so angry because I feel he thinks im naïve, or stupid to believe his lies.

We just had an argument and he says mean things and it makes me sad. and then he comes back and says he hates arguing with me. But when we try to talk, we just end up arguing.

When we aren’t arguing he can be nice. He changes our sons diaper, helps me take a shower and does some of the things around the house that I cant do right now because of bed-rest. He’ll help me get dressed and put my shoes on and get me something to eat.
But at night, its like he’s a monster because at night he just wants to be upstairs until freaking late.

I’m sorry this post is all over the place. I have a lot of things on my mind and my toddler wants to watch his ABC and 123 videos on the computer… So I am rushing.

I guess im asking for advice on how to talk to him and if anyone might have any idea why hes behaving like this. I know we need to communicate, but I guess we don’t know how to right now.

I am Catholic, he is not.
I am just so lost on this.

Hello barboza21,

Your post makes me a little sad, because I can see my wife saying the same things about me (except the details; i.e. store, radios, gangs, cocaine, etc).

My wife is very “get things done now.” I naturally procrastinate. My wife is a morning person, I like to say up late (I will stay up until 1, 2 or 3 AM watching EWTN, praying a Rosary, reading Catholic Answers, or just watching a moving)

I know that I’m often wrong, when my wife gets mad at me. But it makes me upset when I feel that she does not believe me when I say I will get something done. Even if it’s not on her time, I feel that she doesn’t believe me (yes, I should not procrastinate).

Also, I have a hard time falling asleep (I might have a sleeping disorder - getting that checked). If I go to bed when she does, I just lie there for 1 to 2 hours looking at the celling. So, I will take out my iPhone. Either way, I’m just “bored” when she’s sleeping. So I like to say in the TV room until I fall asleep.

I know that I need to try to change my ways, but it is easier said than done.

So my advise would be the following:

1. When you ask him something, do it in a way that doesn’t make him feel like you don’t trust him. If he feels like you are asking him these questions because you don’t trust him, it will make him upset and angry.
2. When you are both calm, address what upsets you about him in a non threatning way. Also allow him to address what things you do that both him. Tell him that you will work on X if he works on Y.
3. Try to change only one thing at a time. People cannot change all their faults at once. Start with low hanging fruit.

If you ever want to discuss more, please feel free to PM me. Perhaps we can help each other!

BTW - I pray that everything will be ok with your pregancy.

God Bless.

 

[barboza21]

Hello barboza21,

Your post makes me a little sad, because I can see my wife saying the same things about me (except the details; i.e. store, radios, gangs, cocaine, etc).

My wife is very “get things done now.” I naturally procrastinate. My wife is a morning person, I like to say up late (I will stay up until 1, 2 or 3 AM watching EWTN, praying a Rosary, reading Catholic Answers, or just watching a moving)

I know that I’m often wrong, when my wife gets mad at me. But it makes me upset when I feel that she does not believe me when I say I will get something done. Even if it’s not on her time, I feel that she doesn’t believe me (yes, I should not procrastinate).

Also, I have a hard time falling asleep (I might have a sleeping disorder - getting that checked). If I go to bed when she does, I just lie there for 1 to 2 hours looking at the celling. So, I will take out my iPhone. Either way, I’m just “bored” when she’s sleeping. So I like to say in the TV room until I fall asleep.

I know that I need to try to change my ways, but it is easier said than done.

So my advise would be the following:

1. When you ask him something, do it in a way that doesn’t make him feel like you don’t trust him. If he feels like you are asking him these questions because you don’t trust him, it will make him upset and angry.
2. When you are both calm, address what upsets you about him in a non threatning way. Also allow him to address what things you do that both him. Tell him that you will work on X if he works on Y.
3. Try to change only one thing at a time. People cannot change all their faults at once. Start with low hanging fruit.

If you ever want to discuss more, please feel free to PM me. Perhaps we can help each other!

BTW - I pray that everything will be ok with your pregancy.

God Bless.

Phil,

Thank you for your answer. It makes me think about things. Like I said, I know I’m not perfect but its hard to know what it is that ‘I’ am doing wrong. The only thing he tells me is that it really bothers him that I question him so much.
But what you are saying makes sense.
Your situation and my husbands cant be the same but there might be similarities. Though I do know that when he does come to bed on time, he falls asleep rather fast. It makes me think he stays up so late when hes upstairs because of the cigarretes or whatever.

Today is going a little better now with him, we are trying our best to not hurt each other and maybe tonight when he closes the store we can talk. I pray to God he doesn’t head for those stairs because my heart just starts to ache immediately.

Thank you again for your insight. I will keep what you said in mind.

 

[barboza21]

My wife is very “get things done now.” I naturally procrastinate. My wife is a morning person, I like to say up late (I will stay up until 1, 2 or 3 AM watching EWTN, praying a Rosary, reading Catholic Answers, or just watching a moving)

Phil, just a thought: is your wife Catholic, or is she maybe not as close to the faith as you are?
A thought comes to my head that if she isn’t then maybe she doesn’t put as much value on the rosary and catholic.com and EWTN… and maybe that’s why she gets mad too. (besides the fact that you are up late at night and maybe you get up late in the morning?)

Again, just a thought.
May God be with you.

 

[phil19034]

Phil, just a thought: is your wife Catholic, or is she maybe not as close to the faith as you are?
A thought comes to my head that if she isn’t then maybe she doesn’t put as much value on the rosary and catholic.com and EWTN… and maybe that’s why she gets mad too. (besides the fact that you are up late at night and maybe you get up late in the morning?)

Again, just a thought.
May God be with you.

My wife is not Catholic. Actually she is Jewish. And to be honest, historically, I was staying up late watching movies. Only since this past summer has it been much more Catholic stuff. As far as my wife knows, I’m watching movies.

God Bless

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Sorry you are having difficulty. Prayers said.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

I will pray for the health of your unborn child. May God protect you and him/her.

Having said that, I am not sure why you are complaining about your husband. You just chose to marry this man whom you knew very well. You knew his character. You knew he wasn’t Catholic. You made the choice to have a child with him outside marriage. This has all been your deliberate choice, hasn’t it? Did you think that everything would magically change once you got married? Life does not work that way.

 

[mlz]

I feel for you and am sorry you are going through this. Did you just date for all the years prior to your marriage? Any similar problems then? Were you married in the Church? Is he a believer in Christ outside the Catholic Church?

This will not sound easy, but you need to not focus on him, but yourself. You need to grow in your faith spiritually, go to Mass regularly (more than just Sunday if you can when you are off bed rest) Pray, pray, pray for him and for yourself to grow in holiness. Don’t nag him as this is such a “turn off” for men. Call and visit with your priest and if there are other faithful Catholic Christians visit with them.

If he becomes abusive, leave. Otherwise, stay and pray. You will need support during though so call on others to pray for you.

You are in my prayers,
mlz

 

[barboza21]

My wife is not Catholic. Actually she is Jewish. And to be honest, historically, I was staying up late watching movies. Only since this past summer has it been much more Catholic stuff. As far as my wife knows, I’m watching movies.

God Bless

Try letting her know. I wish my husband communicated things like that to me. It makes a difference.

 

[barboza21]

Sorry you are having difficulty. Prayers said.

Thank you so much.

I will pray for the health of your unborn child. May God protect you and him/her.

Having said that, I am not sure why you are complaining about your husband. You just chose to marry this man whom you knew very well. You knew his character. You knew he wasn’t Catholic. You made the choice to have a child with him outside marriage. This has all been your deliberate choice, hasn’t it? Did you think that everything would magically change once you got married? Life does not work that way.

These problems are new. We used to live in Dallas Tx. Now we are in Mexico. we have only been here 9 months. I think part of the reason we argue a lot more frequently is because of stress and having a huge change and being away from all our family… The problems right now in our marriage weren’t there a year ago, they are all new.

I feel for you and am sorry you are going through this. Did you just date for all the years prior to your marriage? Any similar problems then? Were you married in the Church? Is he a believer in Christ outside the Catholic Church?

This will not sound easy, but you need to not focus on him, but yourself. You need to grow in your faith spiritually, go to Mass regularly (more than just Sunday if you can when you are off bed rest) Pray, pray, pray for him and for yourself to grow in holiness. Don’t nag him as this is such a “turn off” for men. Call and visit with your priest and if there are other faithful Catholic Christians visit with them.

If he becomes abusive, leave. Otherwise, stay and pray. You will need support during though so call on others to pray for you.

You are in my prayers,
mlz

We were living in sin and after a year and a half we had our son. We baptized him and it just took time to get married. He does believe in God, in Jesus in the Holy spirit. and he likes me going to mass and praying. He says hes glad that I do. But hes just not close to that road right now. He was getting closer before we moved. Before we got here he was starting to go to mass with me every now and then. He even kind of enjoyed when my parents would talk to him about the Catholic faith. I say my parents because when I would talk to him he would get ‘tired’ of it easily. I guess he was so respectful to my parents he would start to listen to be polite and then as the hour went on he started to enjoy it.

Thank you for your advice I agree with what you say. Its not easy because sometimes I just feel pain but I know its the best thing to do.

 

[phil19034]

Try letting her know. I wish my husband communicated things like that to me. It makes a difference.

Thanks. Maybe I will give that a try