Having Sexual Relations with Spouse that uses Contraception

  • Thread starter Thread starter rburt015
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

rburt015

Guest
I am 30 yrs old and married with one child. I was baptized and confirmed into the Catholic Church on Easter Vigil 2019 and my wife is not Catholic and has no plans on becoming Catholic (she is actually quite hostile to Catholic moral teaching). She uses a contraceptive in the form of an IUD and has plans to get a new one put in when the 3 year life of the IUD is up. I spoke to two priests in my town about this and they both said that it would be morally okay for me to have sexual relations with her considering she is doing it against my will. I also spoke with an FSSP priest about this and he said it would be a serious sin for me to have relations with her knowing that she is using contraception. Well I took the FSSP priests advice and tried to talk to my wife about it and she wouldn’t really listen to me and said if I withheld sex from her she would either “find it somewhere else” or divorce me. I saw a video on YouTube where Jimmy Akin answers someone’s question which is a very similar situation to my own. He refers to a document called Vademecum for Confessors which he claims that says that it is morally licit for one to have sex with a contracepting spouse if certain conditions are met. Here it is off of the Vatican website:
13. Special difficulties are presented by cases of cooperation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish cooperation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist.46, 561).] This cooperation can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met:
  1. when the action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit in itself;47
  2. when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse;
  3. when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).
The differences of advice from priests has left me confused about this and I now don’t really know where to look. I am certain that if I have leave this unresolved and withhold sex from my wife she will divorce me and leave our daughter with a broken marriage. Any advice or recommendations on this subject would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
 
It’s a tough call that many find themselves in. There’s no clear answer and you’re in a rough spot. As a father myself I think your first responsibility is to maintaining your marriage for your daughters sake, divorce is hell on kids. Trust in the mercy of God that you’re doing something you’d rather not do for the sake of your family.
 
You are allowed to have sex even if she is on contraception because it’s her choice to be on it and you don’t approve. It’s also important for your marriage and your family to continue relations
 
I am not a canon lawyer or moral theologian. All of those priests have had special pastoral training and training on giving guidance. I’m just an anonymous person on the Internet. And I probably shouldn’t be giving advice.

But I will say this same question has come up before, and the information you found from Jimmy Akin has been discussed here, too. It sounds like those three criteria may be met in your case, and while I do normally “lean traditional” (if that can even be called a thing or you get my meaning), I think the guidance from the first two priests is accurate. Just keep those criteria in mind.
 
Last edited:
rburt015 said:
…
Click to expand...
May be helpful, from the Modern Catholic Dictionary
Indirectly Voluntary. The unintended but foreseen consequence of something that is deliberately willed. This consequence is not desired either as an end or as means, but a person sees that he cannot get something else without getting it. He wills the cause of which this is a necessary effect.
Click to expand...
Catechism of the Catholic Church
1736 Every act directly willed is imputable to its author …
Click to expand...
 
Last edited:
Hi, priest and Bioethicist here.

Relations with your wife would not be morally illicit.

That said, I’m more concerned about the dynamics between you that you’ve mentioned here, namely that if you don’t have sex with her, she’ll either cheat on you or leave. It would be wise to seek some counseling, as the isn’t exactly the mark of a healthy relationship.

You are in my prayers.

-Fr ACEGC
 
Thank you for your response. Yeah, I was quite shocked when she said that. It was very upsetting because I thought that we had a strong marriage. It is a very touchy subject to even bring up to her and every time I do bring it up I get shut down before I can complete one sentence. Becoming Catholic has been the greatest blessing, but also has caused some tension in my marriage over the last couple of years.
 
rburt015 said:
I spoke to two priests in my town about this and they both said that it would be morally okay for me to have sexual relations with her considering she is doing it against my will.
Click to expand...
They are correct. The Vademecum for Confessors gives guidance to pastors in this area.
rburt015 said:
I also spoke with an FSSP priest about this and he said it would be a serious sin for me to have relations with her knowing that she is using contraception.
Click to expand...
He is not correct, per the Vademecum for Confessors.
rburt015 said:
Well I took the FSSP priests advice and tried to talk to my wife about it and she wouldn’t really listen to me and said if I withheld sex from her she would either “find it somewhere else” or divorce me.
Click to expand...
I’m sorry he gave you this advice and that it put further stress on your marriage.
rburt015 said:
He refers to a document called Vademecum for Confessors which he claims that says that it is morally licit for one to have sex with a contracepting spouse if certain conditions are met.
Click to expand...
Yes. Exactly. It’s not just a claim, it’s the actual guidance given to pastors to help innocent spouses in this situation.

Listen to the two priests who have given you good guidance. Be at peace.
rburt015 said:
The differences of advice from priests has left me confused about this and I now don’t really know where to look
Click to expand...
You’ve had two priests AND the Vatican document lining up and this one priest out there in la la land. I’m not sure why you have continued to seek out second, third, and now fourth opinions.

Be at peace. You are not sinning, as your own pastor has already told you.
rburt015 said:
Any advice or recommendations on this subject would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
Explain to your spouse you did not have all the information, and follow the guidance of the original priest and the Vademecum.

Be at peace. Love your wife. You can be intimate with her.
 
rburt015 said:
Yeah, I was quite shocked when she said that. It was very upsetting because I thought that we had a strong marriage.
Click to expand...
She could have just been reacting out of hurt and anger. We all say things we don’t mean, especially when we feel backed in a corner or given an ultimatum. Sounds like she was throwing out extreme scenarios in reaction to what you told her.

Talk to her when she’s had time to calm down, be loving and reassure her.

Do ask about it, but be calm about it.
 
Regardless if the moral aspects I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t have sex with a contraception spouse and I wonder how anyone could.
 
1ke said:
She could have just been reacting out of hurt and anger. We all say things we don’t mean, especially when we feel backed in a corner or given an ultimatum. Sounds like she was throwing out extreme scenarios in reaction to what you told her.

Talk to her when she’s had time to calm down, be loving and reassure her.

Do ask about it, but be calm about it.
Click to expand...
I agree with this. Please don’t answer this here, but talk about it with your wife - why does she want to use contraception? Could she be anxious about another pregnancy, does she feel using NFP would put all the work onto her shoulders? Perhaps it is something you could explore with a counselor, and your wife’s comments about divorce. It may also be when you said you wouldn’t have sex with her anymore, she felt upset or rejected, or perhaps even like you were trying to manipulate her.

One other thing - don’t “Priest shop”. Talk to your Priest at your parish, and listen to him.
 
Thanks for your response. I guess I just wanted a few perspectives on the subject. I have heard some comments from the priests that were somewhat liberal, so I wanted a more traditional perspective on the issue.
 
I’m far from being a liberal, or perhaps it’s more accurate to say “theologically progressive.” I went to a seminary with a reputation for orthodoxy, and my Bioethics degree is from a school with a reputation for being very solid as well. I am a priest of a Diocese which has lots of vocations and a very widespread presence of the Latin Mass. I myself offer it regularly.

It’s not a liberal/conservative thing. It’s a “what do the documents say” thing.

-Fr ACEGC
 
Just thought it sounded like something an unmarried idealist youth might say.
 
Really? That’s an odd judgement to make. Many married couples struggle with these issues. I personally could not unite with my wife in something that could be dangerous to a potential human being and to our own souls. It’s kind of really disrespectful to a marriage if you think about it. We will fulfill our carnal needs but prevent the purpose and the full unification of each other. That isn’t love, and if my spouse expected that of me I’m not sure I could physically preform the duties. If that seems sophomoric or youthful to you I’m sorry. My wife and I have a happy, fun, and Holy sex life. Thanks.
 
Colin Powell had a quote “If you ask enough people, you will find someone who thinks it’s their job to say no.”

You have a Vatican document saying it is permissible under certain conditions it is reasonably clear you meet. Two priests have told you yes. One, no. A Vatican document and two priests is enough.
 
I agree with the theological opinions of the two priest and the Vatican document but is that really how we form our own personal consciences? Two out of three priests agree? Is this a toothpaste commercial? This is where I think modern American and even modern western Catholics get tripped up. It isn’t a democracy. You could find two priests and maybe a pope or a document that agrees with several moral issues you would disagree with.
Like I said I actually agree with the two priests including the one who posted here. Theologically. Now personally, no, I wouldn’t have relations with a contracepting spouse.
 
Last edited:
No insult intended, and I agree with you for all that’s worth.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top