Having trouble forgiving someone

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brokenplates1

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For this person’s sake, I will not tell you what my friend did. But it was an ultimate betrayal. My friend knew this act would hurt me and did it anyways. This person made me feel like the biggest sucker on the planet.

Needless to say, I absolutely hate this person. But I know I cannot feel this way about anyone. This friendship has ended and it will not come back.

But I am praying that I will be able to find the strength to forgive this person.

Right now, I cannot find this inner strength but I know I must.

I also want people to pray for this person. She has depression and lots of anxiety and anger problems, which she denies.

She has fallen on a path of promiscuous sex, drug and alcohol abuse, hanging with the “wrong crowd” and plenty of self loathing. She is always seeing herself as a victim, even though she lashes out at people and pushes them away.

The last time she was on this path, it almost ended in suicide. She has no religious friends and left the church ages ago. She is resistant to any form of therapy.

While I am filled with so much rage and hate at this betrayal, and I have accepted this friendship is dead for a host of other reasons, I so desperately want to find the strength to forgive this person. And for some reason, I feel compelled to pray for this person, particularly during the rosary, the chaplet and when in church.

But a lot of times, I feel myself thinking “What’s the point?” and I sometimes avoided prayer just so I wouldn’t feel compelled to pray for this friend.

I hate that I did this. I need help praying for this person. She is in desperate need of prayers, as am I.

I am pleading with you all to help me, because I am at the bring of despair and exhaustion.
 
brokenplates1 said:
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Hi brokenplates1, I would like to share with you a bit of what I have learned about forgiveness.

Id like to start by paraphrasing a small piece from a book called “Life Code” by Dr Phil.

If you feel hatred, anger or resentment, than you own those feelings and are accountable for their presense in your life, there is one thing worse than being hurt by someone and that is keeping that hurt alive, you have the ability to forgive those people who have mistreated you, not as a gift to them, but as a gift to yourself.

Forgiveness will set you free from those feelings of hatred, anger and resentment, forgiveness is the only thing that will free you from those feelings of hatred anger and resentment that you choose to carry and I emphasise choose, it is a choice to carry those feelings, it is illogical to do so, as those feelings change who you are, your hatred, anger, and resentment are absolutely incompatible with your peace, joy, and relaxation.

To assume that you can turn your feelings of hate, anger or resentment on and off like a light switch is naïve, these feelings of bitterness and anger are such powerful influences that once they enter your heart, they are present in all of your relationships.

They truly do make you become a different person. Who you were goes away, and now you are defined by the hatred and bitterness. Ultimately, what makes these emotions so powerful is that they change who you are.

There’s something else you must consider: you cannot give away what you do not have.

You cannot give pure and accepting love from a pure and accepting heart if you have neither. That would mean giving away what you do not have. If the love in your heart is contaminated, if growing within it is the cancer of hatred, anger, and resentment, then that is the only love that you have to give.

If your heart has turned cold and hard because of hatred, anger, and resentment, then that is the heart from which all your emotions spring. That is the love and that is the heart that you have to offer your loved ones and fellow human beings. Hatred, anger, and resentment truly change who you are. They truly prevent you from being able to give to those you love that which you want them to have.

Many people say: “I can’t forgive because they aren’t sorry and they don’t deserve or even want my forgiveness.” If that’s the standard, there are many people in this world who, clearly, will never be entitled to forgiveness, but they do not realise that forgiveness is all about themselves, it’s all about the gift of freeing themselves from such ugly emotions, they didn’t do the crime, so why are the choosing to do the additional time?

It’s about you saying "I will not bond with you through hatred, anger, or resentment. I will not bond with you through fear. I will not allow you to drag me into your dark world. By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you. You must live with yourself every day. You must live with the darkness in your heart. But I do not, and I will not, You are the one who commited the crime, I don’t have to continue to suffer for it and I refuse to, by forgiving you I am releasing myself from that emotional prison you have locked me in, you cannot misstreat me and than continue hurting me through those feelings of hatred, anger or resentment that I carry, I make that choice, not you.”

Take the power back from those who have hurt you, they don’t have the right to hurt you and than continue hurting you by having you carry those feelings of hatred, anger and resentment, the choice is yours, free yourself from the pain that they have caused you by forgiveness.

By taking this approach and rethinking the meaning of forgiveness, you can set yourself free from the pain that has been caused by others in your life.

The power of forgiveness is the power to set yourself free from the bonds of hatred, anger, and resentment. Seize the power and rise above the pain. You are worth it, and everyone you love deserves it.

I believe this puts in perspective well what Christ taught on forgiveness and the way he taught it (21 Peter came up to the Lord and asked, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven times enough?” 22 Jesus answered: Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times! - Matthew 18:21-22), because these feelings truly do change who you are and anyone who say’s otherwise is naive, Christ told us that our Hearts are where our treasure is, it’s a treasure that does not rust and cannot be stolen! It can only be given away, and we choose to give it away freely when we harbor those ugly emotions of hatred anger, or resentment toward someone who has mistreated us, take the power back from those who have hurt you! take your treasure back! Forgiveness is a gift! reclaim your heart!

The question is, what do you stand to gain by harboring those ugly emotions of hatred, anger or resentment toward someone?

However when you think of the wrong doing, there will be emotions that come up, but instead of hatred, anger or resentment, these should instead be emotions of pity. Forgiveness isn’t a release of other emotions, forgiveness is a release of hatred, anger and rensetment, these are the emotions it free’s you from, these are the emotions people need to be free from!

Pity means feeling for others, particularly feelings of sadness or sorrow towards someone, this is what replaces those ugly emotions of hatred, anger and resentment towards someone, this is what forgiveness does, you cannot just remove those ugly emotions through forgiveness, instead forgiveness replaces those ugly emotions with pity.

Please continue to next post -
 
Continued from above post -

Remember: Forgiveness is a choice! (Even Christ taught forgiveness as a choice, not something that needed to be worked at, but rather a choice that needed to be made Matthew 18:21-35, so make the choice! because you are worth it and you deserve it! you deserve to be free of those emotions of hatred, anger and resentment, not forgiving someone is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die).

Aftering saying all this however, I believe it’s important to remember that forgiveness does not mean allowing them to continue mistreating you, “Don’t give to dogs what belongs to God as they will only turn and attack you.” Matthew 7:6

Id also like to say, many people have the miss conception of Matthew 7:1-2 of charity to be “Judge everyone to be good” which I believe to be a mistake, I believe instead we shouldn’t judge anyone, good or evil, we should instead gather information about a person and make an informed decision.

If I said to you I want you to judge everyone to be evil, you would think that to be rediculous, I believe it’s just as rediculous to judge everyone to be good. This is why I agree with Dr phil when he say’s “I believe giving people the benefit of the doubt is reckless, not virtuous” - Dr Phil.

I would just say, whatever you do, don’t do it out of hatred, anger or resentment.

I would also like to paraphrase a small piece from Bishop Fulton J. Sheen in his book “the Cross and the Beatitudes.” which I found to be really good.

5 “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

Violence says meekness is weakness. But that is because it does not understand the meaning of Christian meekness. Meekness is not cowardice; meekness is not an easy-going temperament, sluggish, and hard to arouse; meekness is not a spineless passivity that allows everyone to walk over us. No! Meekness is self-possesion. That is why the reward of meekness is possession [of the earth].

A weak person can never be meek, because he is never self-possessed; meekness is the virtue that controls the combative, violent, and pugnacious powers of our nature, and is therefore the best and noblest to self-realisation.

The meek person is not one who refuses to fight, nor someone who will never become angry. A meek person is someone who will never do one thing: he will never fight when his conceit is attacked, but only when a principal is at stake. And that is the keynote to the difference of the anger of the violent and the anger of the meek person.

I would also like to share with you a list of quotes on forgiveness that I believe are very good.

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” -Ben Franklin

*“Not forgiving someone is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die”. *-Author Unknown

*“Do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence, God said, vengeance is mine." *- Author unknown

*“Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good.” *-Romans 12:21

Forgiveness is a choice. Don’t wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it. -Dr Phil

Don’t give your power away. The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you. By constantly re-living the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you. - Dr Phil

Don’t cling to negative feelings. Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you. - Dr Phil

There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort. You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, “I’m letting this go. I’m not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore.” You can find closure in forgiveness. - Dr Phil

You can’t change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them. If you didn’t receive support when you needed it, give it to yourself now. - Dr Phil

“The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.” -Daniel 9:9

*“12 Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” *-Matthew 6:12

*“To err is human, to forgive, divine.” *-Pope Alexander

21 Peter came up to the Lord and asked, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven times enough?” 22 Jesus answered: Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times! -Matthew 18:21-22

I hope this has helped you, sorry for the length

Thank you for reading
Josh
 
I would also like to share with you a true story I heard on the radio once and why I believe forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing them to mistreat you again, or putting yourself in vulnerable situations, as it says in the gospels “don’t give to dogs what belongs to God as they will only turn and attack you.” Matthew 7:6 and 16 I am sending you like lambs into a pack of wolves. So be as wise as snakes and as innocent as doves. 17 Watch out for people who will take you to court and have you beaten in their meeting places. Matthew 10:16-17

There was a woman who was telling this story on the radio about how she was sexually abused by her father, when she grew up, she forgave her father, but she refused to learn from what had happened, being naive, she than left her son vulnerable to her father, in which the same thing ended up happening.

It’s a great tragedy that the daughter(mother) was abused by her father, but I believe it is an even greater tradgedy that the mother refused to learn from what had happened, who chose to be naive about her father, and thus irresponsibly left her son in such a vulnerable situation for the exact same thing to happen.

I believe you don’t judge people to be good or bad, you instead gather information about a person and make an informed decision. Trust is earnt, I believe they do not gain trust through forgiveness and that forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn from what has happened, like Dr Phil say’s “I believe giving people the benefit of the doubt is reckless, not virtuous”

Please feel free to reply/refute anything I have said.

Thank you for reading
Josh
 
hi,
at the end-as my altruism compells me to try to be of help…i conclude with:" who was the strongest man who ever lived…? well in pretext, some ideas-samson…or a greek fighter…
OK so you said:
"But a lot of times, I feel myself thinking “What’s the point?”

and I sometimes avoided prayer just so I wouldn’t feel compelled to pray for this friend.

I hate that I did this. I need help praying for this person. She is in desperate need of prayers, as am I.

I am pleading with you all to help me, because I am at the bring of despair and exhaustion."

so are there some trends in your prayer life? as generally- a progress to report is good, or some people like the idea of surrender-to report a trend of what they did-to surrender, or trends to improve the quality of prayer (peace you see?) or report trending as a healing of hurt-any hurt from any pain-remembered appreciated; or some people compare a trend in prayer to a cell phone-it works similar-you have the sender-reciever, messaging, yet not the ominescence though-a smart phone uses a type of media-prayer a calling of sorts; i wonder if trends in prayer risks some missing component or puzzel piece. (i.e a trend must be something increasing.)
Of interest, i have read your statement…i am sorry to hear that all this has caused an exhaustion. If only there was an approach to prayer to become dependable within the next 24 hours to sweep away despair, the despiration-you report, cycles of “what’s the point…” -that discouragement, or frustration (with prayer)…as faith and prayer could be like two twin planets out there in space, each waltzing in the gravity of the other; imagine that as in any waltz-one partner matches the movement with the other-i should imagine matching the movement of the other is appropriate to prayer; there would be no betrayal in this waltz of prayer; but as the unfortunate risk of making a friend , in terms of human love, as human weakness usually trends to betray…Divine love would not be that way-
the prayer-‘Our Father’ has such a dance of the universe…that such a increasing spirit of chirst enters the moment of that prayer in the soul of a man-to be adopted as they say on spiritual terms; hence, interesting-of a trend-that of learning (24 hours here) with an unforgetable cognition-that a man of God (as you are) might learn that he is loved known by the touch of the Holy Spirt; likewise the trend to look for-is a fair proposition-to learn tommorow that you are loved by God, being so profound in the trend-then, to make the counter proposition that it is possible to forgive another…the waltz is there-the sequence there-So God loves firstly: then who was the strongest man that ever lived?
of course-you have predicted the answer, jesus christ was the strongest man that ever lived. It took a great strength to carry a cross-and observed selfless to pick it up-meaning a tremendous strength to forgive all…
 
josh987654321 said:
I would also like to share with you a true story I heard on the radio once and why I believe forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing them to mistreat you again, or putting yourself in vulnerable situations, as it says in the gospels “don’t give to dogs what belongs to God as they will only turn and attack you.” Matthew 7:6 and 16 I am sending you like lambs into a pack of wolves. So be as wise as snakes and as innocent as doves. 17 Watch out for people who will take you to court and have you beaten in their meeting places. Matthew 10:16-17

There was a woman who was telling this story on the radio about how she was sexually abused by her father, when she grew up, she forgave her father, but she refused to learn from what had happened, being naive, she than left her son vulnerable to her father, in which the same thing ended up happening.

It’s a great tragedy that the daughter(mother) was abused by her father, but I believe it is an even greater tradgedy that the mother refused to learn from what had happened, who chose to be naive about her father, and thus irresponsibly left her son in such a vulnerable situation for the exact same thing to happen.

I believe you don’t judge people to be good or bad, you instead gather information about a person and make an informed decision. Trust is earnt, I believe they do not gain trust through forgiveness and that forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn from what has happened, like Dr Phil say’s “I believe giving people the benefit of the doubt is reckless, not virtuous”

Please feel free to reply/refute anything I have said.

Thank you for reading
Josh
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Thankyou Josh,for your posts from “down Under”:),they are very Wise .
 
Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.
 
It’s very hard to forgive someone who you considered a friend, who betrays your trust. I can understand your feelings a little, as a friend of mine stole a large amount of money from me about 5 years ago (in dollars, probably about $20,000) which I had lent him when he needed to secure his business in an emergency and couldn’t get hold of the money at very short notice. I foolishly got no paperwork from him or his wife, I assumed that our friendship would suffice and didn’t push for the return of the cash - but 6 months down the line they simply disappeared. One or two mutual friends also disappeared at the same time, having “taken their side” - goodness knows what they had told them, as all I had done was hand over a large amount of cash as a kindness to a friend!

For a while I was so angry I thought about going to a solicitor to pursue them and my money (I had the note of the bank transfer as proof I had paid it to them), but after a short time I suddenly thought “what’s the point?”. It was making me feel ill and upset, the money would be hard to get back without a document from them and no-one knew where they were living, anyway.

So I have forgiven them, and now I look back on the whole thing as a cautionary tale. It strikes me that they are the losers in all of it, as they have no good character - I was in financial difficulties a year or so after they disappeared, and I really needed that money back from them. I have since lent money to another friend, but this one is more like a sister to me and didn’t ask for it in the first place!

If you can find it in your heart, don’t stop praying for your friend, OP - she certainly needs those prayers, from what you’ve said. I’ll remember you in my prayers, too. x
 
You need to forgive, not just for your former friend’s sake, but for yours. Do not allow this person’s actions to have so much power over you that you are filled with rage and hatred. Do not allow her that kind of control.

I know it can be difficult to forgive. I finally found a way that works for me. I take the pain another person has caused me and offer it up to God for the sake of the person who caused the pain. When you think about it, we do pray “Forgive us our trespasses*** as*** ***we forgive those ***who trespass against us.”

Hope this works for you. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Read the parable of the Unforgiving Servant Matt 18:21-35

Think about a line in the only prayer Jesus taught us:

‘Forgive us our trespasses*** as we forgive those who trespass against us.’

********All your sins have been forgiven, so how can you not forgive another? The only person who will lose out is…you.

I know it is hard sometimes, but when I think of it this way, it becomes easier.
I hope this helps.***********
 
I really want to be able to forgive this person, but I know I need to be able to shake these feelings of rage and anger at this person’s betrayal. I am even more astounded at this former friend’s lack of remorse over this betrayal of trust. Overcoming these feelings of anger and betrayal is definitely the hardest. And even through all these feelings, I still feel compelled to pray for this person.
 
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
Praying for you…

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
 
Kay_Cee said:
You need to forgive, not just for your former friend’s sake, but for yours. Do not allow this person’s actions to have so much power over you that you are filled with rage and hatred. Do not allow her that kind of control.

I know it can be difficult to forgive. I finally found a way that works for me. I take the pain another person has caused me and offer it up to God for the sake of the person who caused the pain. When you think about it, we do pray “Forgive us our trespasses*** as*** ***we forgive those ***who trespass against us.”

Hope this works for you. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Thank you, offering this pain up is the best piece of advice I’ve had on this issue.
 
Kay_Cee said:
You need to forgive, not just for your former friend’s sake, but for yours. Do not allow this person’s actions to have so much power over you that you are filled with rage and hatred. Do not allow her that kind of control.

I know it can be difficult to forgive. I finally found a way that works for me. I take the pain another person has caused me and offer it up to God for the sake of the person who caused the pain. When you think about it, we do pray “Forgive us our trespasses*** as*** ***we forgive those ***who trespass against us.”

Hope this works for you. I will keep you in my prayers.
Click to expand...
Thank you, offering these feelings and sufferings up to God for their sake is a terrific idea. Thank you for this post.
 
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