R
Rose71
Guest
I know I should forgive - I can tell myself I’ve forgiven - but deep down, I still can’t shake off feeling bitter and angry, even though I pray that I can lose these feelings.
Here’s what happened:
My brother and I have elderly parents, neither of whom is in especially good health. My mother’s health in particular has been going steadily downhill for the past couple of years, exacerbated by the fact that she is rapidly losing her eyesight and this has lead to her being much less active than in the past - so it’s like a downward spiral of less muscle tone, less brain exercise and increasing lethargy, depression and isolation.
I’ve done all I can to help. I’ve researched activities she can do (she used to love reading) and I visit when I can (nearly every day at the moment) I cook meals for them and bring them round and most importantly, just sit with her and chat to her. I’m also just about the only person my father really opens up to and he’s bearing the brunt of mother’s problems because she takes her frustration out on him and he’s doing his best, but all his support is practical, rather than emotional. She admits to me how much she values what he does for her, but she’s not so good at telling him! (and he’s not great at accepting compliments!!!)
Anyway, a few weeks ago, my nephew developed a hacking cough and became listless and pale. My parents urged my brother to take him to the GP because it just didn’t go away and it showed all the signs of being a full-blown chest infection, rather than an ordinary cold. My brother just shrugged off their concerns.
Despite this, as it is the long summer school holidays, my nephew has been sent round to his grandparents’ home on a regular basis. His own mother is at home; there are numerous play-schemes and summer holiday activities available for children his age (many are free too) but these haven’t even been investigated (I asked)
Well, the inevitable has happened and my mother ended up making a trip to hospital after a dizzy spell and a fall. She has a severe chest infection that shows no signs of going away and she is getting weaker and more depressed. She’s had spells before when illness has got her down, but for some reason, this time, I just can’t help feeling that this is one she might not be able to fight off: she is just so weak.
It’s great that my nephew lives so close to his grandparents and they are one of the few areas of stability in his life. I know they enjoy his company, but they are agreeing to take him so often because his own home life is so unpleasant and responsibility for addressing that lies with his parents.
It’s like a catch-22. My parents want to do all they can for their grandson while they (just about) can, but the more they do this, the more his actual parents can avoid addressing the real issues.
I’m sure (this being CAF after all
) someone will pop up to ask what I’m doing to help and the answer is ‘as much as I am able and more!’ I’m making use of my company’s flexi-hours and falling behind with work; our home is a mess; I’m exhausted (I’ve spent so much time round there helping I’ve caught the chest infection too, but nowhere near as bad as mum) and I’ve booked off several days to take my nephew out, which will basically mean I will have to forfeit my regular weekly sports activities for a while to catch up.
DH is being brilliant, but he’s feeling the strain too because right now, I am just exhausted and terrified and trying so hard to control my anger - what possesses parents to fail to take a sick child to the doctor and send him to stay with frail grandparents instead?
Here’s what happened:
My brother and I have elderly parents, neither of whom is in especially good health. My mother’s health in particular has been going steadily downhill for the past couple of years, exacerbated by the fact that she is rapidly losing her eyesight and this has lead to her being much less active than in the past - so it’s like a downward spiral of less muscle tone, less brain exercise and increasing lethargy, depression and isolation.
I’ve done all I can to help. I’ve researched activities she can do (she used to love reading) and I visit when I can (nearly every day at the moment) I cook meals for them and bring them round and most importantly, just sit with her and chat to her. I’m also just about the only person my father really opens up to and he’s bearing the brunt of mother’s problems because she takes her frustration out on him and he’s doing his best, but all his support is practical, rather than emotional. She admits to me how much she values what he does for her, but she’s not so good at telling him! (and he’s not great at accepting compliments!!!)
Anyway, a few weeks ago, my nephew developed a hacking cough and became listless and pale. My parents urged my brother to take him to the GP because it just didn’t go away and it showed all the signs of being a full-blown chest infection, rather than an ordinary cold. My brother just shrugged off their concerns.
Despite this, as it is the long summer school holidays, my nephew has been sent round to his grandparents’ home on a regular basis. His own mother is at home; there are numerous play-schemes and summer holiday activities available for children his age (many are free too) but these haven’t even been investigated (I asked)
Well, the inevitable has happened and my mother ended up making a trip to hospital after a dizzy spell and a fall. She has a severe chest infection that shows no signs of going away and she is getting weaker and more depressed. She’s had spells before when illness has got her down, but for some reason, this time, I just can’t help feeling that this is one she might not be able to fight off: she is just so weak.
It’s great that my nephew lives so close to his grandparents and they are one of the few areas of stability in his life. I know they enjoy his company, but they are agreeing to take him so often because his own home life is so unpleasant and responsibility for addressing that lies with his parents.
It’s like a catch-22. My parents want to do all they can for their grandson while they (just about) can, but the more they do this, the more his actual parents can avoid addressing the real issues.
I’m sure (this being CAF after all
) someone will pop up to ask what I’m doing to help and the answer is ‘as much as I am able and more!’ I’m making use of my company’s flexi-hours and falling behind with work; our home is a mess; I’m exhausted (I’ve spent so much time round there helping I’ve caught the chest infection too, but nowhere near as bad as mum) and I’ve booked off several days to take my nephew out, which will basically mean I will have to forfeit my regular weekly sports activities for a while to catch up.DH is being brilliant, but he’s feeling the strain too because right now, I am just exhausted and terrified and trying so hard to control my anger - what possesses parents to fail to take a sick child to the doctor and send him to stay with frail grandparents instead?
and I do get what you’re saying. There’s no chance of me losing my job - although I may choose to reduce my hours at some time in the future. DH and I have discussed it and we’d rather tighten our belts a little and know we’re doing right by my family and that’s our choice. I have set pretty firm boundaries with my brother and his family: I refuse to do any child care during weekdays and limit the days I take my nephew out on day trips. I’m not responsible for my parents saying ‘yes’ (in my opinion - too often, but I’ve told them what I think and we agree to disagree on it)