Having Trouble in My Mixed Faith Marriage

[Convert_in_99]

I will be flat out honest, I am hesitant to even post this as I have had several less than charitable remarks about being married to a protestant. I will make it clear that while I did intend to marry a Catholic, my chances for dating (let alone marriage) were very slim as I have a mental illness and that can make it difficult to find someone willing to put up with that for long periods of time. My protestant husband was the first and ONLY man who was not only willing to put up with my illness, but actually loved and even liked me despite it. We had our wedding in the catholic church with the necessary dispensations and all.

That being said, I do realize why the church says it’s best to marry a catholic. Being a convert myself it is easier for me to be around protestants as my whole family is still protestant. So, while I am sad that my husband doesn’t want to become catholic, I accept this and try to enjoy all of the other wonderful personality traits that he possesses. But lately I am feeling much pain regarding being accepted by my fellow catholics. They tend to see what I did as wrong and put me and our marriage down, as if we are “less” than them because we don’t have a catholic-catholic marriage. Like I made a huge mistake and God isn’t happy with me about it. We are also permanently infertile due to a medical issue I have, so I get comments about “well its for the best since your husband isn’t catholic.” It just tears me up inside and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am actually starting to believe these comments and it is making my depression and anxiety worse.

Am I really a “bad” person for choosing to marry a protestant? Is God mad at me for this? Is our infertility a sort of “punishment” for this? Why are people so mean? Why do they think they are superior to us because they were BLESSED to have the mental health required to find and date and marry a good catholic spouse. I wasn’t so fortunate and blessed, but does that make me a bad person for “settling” for a less than ideal religious division? I am just worn out with all this. Why are my fellow catholic peers so insensitive about us?

Any thoughts about this would be appreciated.

 

[1ke]

I am very sorry you are experiencing such hurtful comments and attitudes.

I will say that on CAF I am not a proponent of mixed marriage-- but that is in regard to people who are not yet married who come on here asking about it. It is difficult and it does have significant cautions that must be thought about.

But, none of those cautions should be interpreted as a non-Catholic being “less” or a Catholic marriage being “better”-- there are plenty of rotten Catholics and bad Catholic marriages.

I am sure your husband is a wonderful, loving person. He is equal in dignity to any other person.

I am sure that the comments people make are the kinds of thoughtless comments that people make to people who have no kids, lots of kids, homeschoolers, SAHMs, working moms, etc.

In other words, it is simply people being people. Sometimes thoughtless, sometimes clueless, sometimes mean. That is the human condition.

I am sorry that it is stressing you out. We should always expect better of people, but they will let us down because they are human. For your close friends, tell them how hurtful their comments are. For those who are not close, feel sorry for them and move on.

Perhaps you can talk to your pastor about incorporating some type of ministry for those in mixed marriage. The Church has several documents on supporting those in mixed marriages, perhaps some kind of fellowship with others might be helpful to you.

 

[maryjk]

Am I really a “bad” person for choosing to marry a protestant? Is God mad at me for this? Is our infertility a sort of “punishment” for this?

No, you aren’t a bad person for choosing to marry a Protestant. I can’t imagine God is mad at you.

Why are people so mean? Why do they think they are superior to us because they were BLESSED to have the mental health required to find and date and marry a good catholic spouse.

We are a fallen people. We are sinners.

People are mean. They just are.

I wasn’t so fortunate and blessed, but does that make me a bad person for “settling” for a less than ideal religious division? I am just worn out with all this. Why are my fellow Catholic peers so insensitive about us?

Any thoughts about this would be appreciated.

I wish I knew why people would tear down couples rather than build them up. With the divorce rate as high as it is, it doesn’t make sense that we work against each other.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is one thing to hope to find a Catholic spouse, all other things being equal, and another thing to say that a Protestant spouse is always wrong compared to an available Catholic spouse. That is because all things are rarely equal.

I am married to a baptized non-Catholic, and his cousin is also married to a Catholic. They have done nothing but faithfully raise their children Catholic and encourage their spouses to be faithful Catholics. Several of the most active members of our parish are also married to non-Catholics.

Why did I, who could have found myself a Catholic to marry, decide to marry a non-Catholic, instead? Because compared to the Catholics I had dated, he actually did a better job of encouraging me to practice my faith. he thinks I just “do better” when I practice and obviously “do worse” when I don’t. He does the same for our children. He also loves his neighbor better than the Catholics I dated. I knew that he would be generous to the poor and live a life of integrity. He is good-hearted. I thought the chances that he will someday become a very good Catholic is actually better than the chances that the Catholics I dated would become very good Catholics, and I still do.

Before marriage, one has to stop and consider whether one is asking a reasonable amount of oneself and one’s spouse by entering into a Catholic marriage. The question with regards to religion isn’t whether the spouse is Catholic, but whether the spouse will do their part to make a strong Catholic home. If a Protestant is willing to support their Catholic spouse and raise their children Catholic, that is fine, but it is not fair to require it. If a Catholic is willing to live the faith without the consolation of a Catholic spouse praying beside them, that is fine, but it is a lot to ask of yourself. Marrying outside the faith often poses difficulties, and marriage is difficult enough as it is. Still, there is a reason that the Church allows marriage to non-Catholics, and that is because it can work, meaning that it can still result in a vibrant domestic church. It is harder to make it work, it is statistically less likely that it will work in all cases, but in any individual case it can be deemed to have a good likelihood of success, and therefore it is morally permissible.

Were I in your shoes, my response to those thoughtless remarks would be “I beg your pardon? What give you the right to insult my husband like that? What gives you the right to make rash judgments like that? You need to examine yourself, because that remark was out of line. If you don’t believe me, you go ask Father. That was just totally uncalled for.” You have a prince of a man for a husband, and anyone who says otherwise ought to be called onto the carpet for it. If they feel guilty afterwards, that’s a good thing, because they’re the ones who are guilty, not you.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Were I in your shoes, my response to those thoughtless remarks would be “I beg your pardon? What give you the right to insult my husband like that? What gives you the right to make rash judgments like that? You need to examine yourself, because that remark was out of line. If you don’t believe me, you go ask Father. That was just totally uncalled for.” You have a prince of a man for a husband, and anyone who says otherwise ought to be called onto the carpet for it. If they feel guilty afterwards, that’s a good thing, because they’re the ones who are guilty, not you.

:clapping:

 

[RoseMary131]

I will be flat out honest, I am hesitant to even post this as I have had several less than charitable remarks about being married to a protestant. … My protestant husband was the first and ONLY man who was not only willing to put up with my illness, but actually loved and even liked me despite it. We had our wedding in the catholic church with the necessary dispensations and all.

But lately I am feeling much pain regarding being accepted by my fellow catholics. They tend to see what I did as wrong and put me and our marriage down, as if we are “less” than them because we don’t have a catholic-catholic marriage.
Am I really a “bad” person for choosing to marry a protestant? Is God mad at me for this? Is our infertility a sort of “punishment” for this? Why are people so mean?

Dearest Convert.

You and your dear husband are in my prayers. I am so sorry you have suffered from others’ poor misguided treatment because you and your husband are not both Catholic.

You actually are not in a mixed faith marriage. You are both of the Christian faith.

God is not mad at you. He is not even mad when couples of different faiths (Jewish, Christian, Muslim) fall in love and marry.

Infertility is never a punishment nor is any illness such as mental illness.

Let me tell you how grateful I am for marriages between a Catholic and a Protestant. My paternal grandparents were both Catholics from Germany who immigrated to the US. My Catholic grandfather married my Protestant grandmother, who became a good Catholic wife and mother. My Catholic father married my Protestant mother who became a good Catholic wife and mother. I married my wonderful Protestant husband who became a good Catholic husband and wife. My entire family tree from my father down to my grandchildren would not even exist if each of us had only married a Catholic.

Not all couples end up with a spouse who later joins the Church, but that’s okay. God still blesses that couple in their Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

Please forgive those who cause you to feel unaccepted for choosing a beautiful husband who believes in God - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit - through a Protestant view.

May you be at Peace even if someone offers unkind words about marriage between Catholics and Protestants.

 

[Lorelei12]

Whoever these people are who are making these hurtful comments to you- they are wrong. God isn’t mad at you, and God doesn’t “punish” people with infertility. You married in the church and your marriage is no less valid than any of theirs, nor are you “less” of a Catholic. Anyone who is putting your marriage down is probably not someone you need to be spending time with, especially if their comments are affecting your depression. Are they friends? People from church?

My own husband was baptized but never brought up in the faith, and does not really practice other than to attend Mass with me sometimes. (We were married in the Church.) It can be hard for sure, but he is a better person than most people I know, including Catholics I know and including myself. If our goal is to help get each other to heaven, I feel much more confident I can get there with him as my husband. And if anyone ever insulted him or my marriage, I would defend him and distance myself from that person. Whoever is saying these things to you is completely out of line, and I am sorry you are dealing with it.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

I have to say, while I personally think a Catholic marriage should be sought out whenever possible, I myself am married to a non-Catholic. My wife is not Protestant and, while she doesn’t understand my devotion completely, she has been fairly supportive and attends Mass with me from time to time.

I do not think you are a horrible person for marrying a Protestant, and I do not think God would be upset with you for it; the main reason people on here speak against it is because it is very easy to allow the non-Catholic spouse’s attitudes towards the Church influence you into lessening your faith. So long as you are completely sure of your faith, and your spouse is supportive of you in your faith, and agrees to raise the children as Catholics, then I think interfaith marriages can work well enough. Not perfectly, because in a perfect marriage both spouses are in complete union about the Faith, but well enough.

God Bless, I’m sorry you’ve experienced such derision here.

 

[robwar]

I will be flat out honest, I am hesitant to even post this as I have had several less than charitable remarks about being married to a protestant. I will make it clear that while I did intend to marry a Catholic, my chances for dating (let alone marriage) were very slim as I have a mental illness and that can make it difficult to find someone willing to put up with that for long periods of time. My protestant husband was the first and ONLY man who was not only willing to put up with my illness, but actually loved and even liked me despite it. We had our wedding in the catholic church with the necessary dispensations and all.

That being said, I do realize why the church says it’s best to marry a catholic. Being a convert myself it is easier for me to be around protestants as my whole family is still protestant. So, while I am sad that my husband doesn’t want to become catholic, I accept this and try to enjoy all of the other wonderful personality traits that he possesses. But lately I am feeling much pain regarding being accepted by my fellow catholics. They tend to see what I did as wrong and put me and our marriage down, as if we are “less” than them because we don’t have a catholic-catholic marriage. Like I made a huge mistake and God isn’t happy with me about it. We are also permanently infertile due to a medical issue I have, so I get comments about “well its for the best since your husband isn’t catholic.” It just tears me up inside and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am actually starting to believe these comments and it is making my depression and anxiety worse.

Am I really a “bad” person for choosing to marry a protestant? Is God mad at me for this? Is our infertility a sort of “punishment” for this? Why are people so mean? Why do they think they are superior to us because they were BLESSED to have the mental health required to find and date and marry a good catholic spouse. I wasn’t so fortunate and blessed, but does that make me a bad person for “settling” for a less than ideal religious division? I am just worn out with all this. Why are my fellow catholic peers so insensitive about us?

Any thoughts about this would be appreciated.

I think you are finding out that there are a lot of thoughtless people out there. Despite your title, you are not having a problem with your marriage but a problem in dealing with some thoughtless comments by others. Since you were married in the Church with proper dispensations then basically it is none of anyones business on who you married. Likewise, I wouldn’t be going around to others and bringing up that you have married a non-Catholic.
Since you have approval by the Church itself, it is totally nasty for someone to suggest that God is now punishing you with infertility for marrying a non-Catholic. It show a total lack of understanding of God and makes God to be some big monster in heaven ready to smack down anyone for any reason. Say to someone who tells you this that since you received blessing and approval and were married in the Church, God gave you approval through Church authority. Focus on finding supportive Catholic friends, leave the boobs who are telling you these things behind and move on. I hope you find some peace and healing for the infertility and mental issues you are dealing with. God Bless

 

[WiccanWoman]

. . . My protestant husband was the first and ONLY man who was not only willing to put up with my illness, but actually loved and even liked me despite it. We had our wedding in the catholic church with the necessary dispensations and all. . . . We are also permanently infertile due to a medical issue I have, so I get comments about “well its for the best since your husband isn’t catholic.” It just tears me up inside and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am actually starting to believe these comments and it is making my depression and anxiety worse.

As a non-Catholic (but as an ardent anti-bullying activist), I respectfully leave those portions of your question(s) regarding Catholicism to the wisdom of those forum members who share your Faith… but as a fellow human-being, I must state that it seems you learned and followed the rules of your Church in arranging and participating in your marriage/wedding, and therefore, there should be no problem with that. Those who are being judgmental, unkind and critical are not behaving in a very charitable manner. Of course it is difficult to ignore them especially when they cause you pain and make you second-guess yourself, but pray for the strength to be able to do so because they are wrong, and their criticism should not be taken to heart. They don’t know the intimate details of your life. Only God does, and God’s opinion of you is the only one that really matters.

As to your infertility/medical issue, if your heart tells you that you should be a parent, and your heart and soul are aching because of it, perhaps consider speaking with your husband and your spiritual advisors about the possibility of being Foster Parents. So many are needed!

Children come in all ages and colors and faiths and abilities. Sometimes those who have challenges get overlooked in the rush by adults to have “the perfect child.” My own husband was a preemie - due Valentine’s Day, and born on December 30th - and due to an oxygen issue, he was born blind. His 15 year old bio-mother walked out of the hospital, leaving him behind. She refused to sign adoption papers, ever, and so he was put into foster care from the very start. He loves to tell the story about how his foster-Mom chose him out of all the babies available! He grew strong in her care, and his sight returned [although it never would be 100%]. His foster Father died when he was almost 3, and he has some pleasant memories about the man. He remembers having foster-sisters, too, but his Mom never had a “baby of her own.” She never dated after her husband passed away, saying he was the love of her life and she was fine being alone(although it was hard back in the early 1950s being a single mom, and she begged not to have to return her foster kids). My husband knows how very much his Mom loved him, and raised him, and worked with him to learn and grow. She is proof-positive that women don’t have to experience a pregnancy and have a baby to be a Mom… a REAL MOM… and you don’t have to have biological children to act maternally - to others, and in response to the needs which may be calling you… perhaps from within your own Church.

You have a need to love and be loved. All people have it. It’s normal human nature. Reach out to your husband, your spiritual advisor, and those who are close to you, and you will see your worth in their eyes.

Sometimes we have to let go of the life we thought we wanted in order to accept the life we are meant to have.

May you draw ever closer to God, and may you experience health, joy, happiness and prosperity in the life you lead with your beloved spouse, within the marriage that was blessed by God and permitted by your Church.

I hope I have not overstepped my bounds in any of my comment.

Namaste.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I will be flat out honest, I am hesitant to even post this as I have had several less than charitable remarks about being married to a protestant. I will make it clear that while I did intend to marry a Catholic, my chances for dating (let alone marriage) were very slim as I have a mental illness and that can make it difficult to find someone willing to put up with that for long periods of time. My protestant husband was the first and ONLY man who was not only willing to put up with my illness, but actually loved and even liked me despite it. We had our wedding in the catholic church with the necessary dispensations and all.

That being said, I do realize why the church says it’s best to marry a catholic. Being a convert myself it is easier for me to be around protestants as my whole family is still protestant. So, while I am sad that my husband doesn’t want to become catholic, I accept this and try to enjoy all of the other wonderful personality traits that he possesses. But lately I am feeling much pain regarding being accepted by my fellow catholics. They tend to see what I did as wrong and put me and our marriage down, as if we are “less” than them because we don’t have a catholic-catholic marriage. Like I made a huge mistake and God isn’t happy with me about it. We are also permanently infertile due to a medical issue I have, so I get comments about “well its for the best since your husband isn’t catholic.” It just tears me up inside and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am actually starting to believe these comments and it is making my depression and anxiety worse.

Am I really a “bad” person for choosing to marry a protestant? Is God mad at me for this? Is our infertility a sort of “punishment” for this? Why are people so mean? Why do they think they are superior to us because they were BLESSED to have the mental health required to find and date and marry a good catholic spouse. I wasn’t so fortunate and blessed, but does that make me a bad person for “settling” for a less than ideal religious division? I am just worn out with all this. Why are my fellow catholic peers so insensitive about us?

Any thoughts about this would be appreciated.

You have my sincere sympathy. I would like to point out, though, that I am a Catholic and married to a Catholic spouse, and neither one of us is the poster child for mental health. (He has Asperger’s syndrome, which is an autism spectrum disorder; I have generalized anxiety disorder.) I think my poor husband deserves a medal for putting up with me during the first year of our marriage, before I went on medication that has helped significantly.

I would never, ever openly criticize you for marrying a Protestant. Your infertility is certainly not a punishment for this. God doesn’t punish people that way. My husband, for example, was married for 4 years to a woman who cheated on him, lied to him, and eventually left him. He made a bad choice. He has since received a declaration of nullity and we are sacramentally married. Yet his daughter, my beautiful little stepdaughter, came out of that relationship and she is one of the highlights of our life together. He sincerely believes that the two good things that came out of that relationship were: a) his daughter, and b) his move to Canada from England, which enabled him to meet me after my kid’s mom left him.

My belief is that God has a plan for each one of us. Whether or not we choose to follow it is up to us. That plan will give us the easiest road to heaven, but that is not to say that God will punish you if you choose not to follow His plan. The road may be more difficult, but He will still find a way to work things out for you. As an infertile couple, you may decide to consider adoption or fostering. Meanwhile, you can certainly continue to pray for your spouse, and I will pray for you as well. Your good example may provide a way for God to reach out to him and call him home.

 

[MaryT777]

Don’t let the naysayers get you down! You have a wonderful husband who understands your mental illness…that is a great thing. I know several persons married to Protestants in long term marriages that are Catholic. You are not alone

Rejoice in who God made him and dump the negativity from other Holier than thou Catholics.

Would it be ideal if he was Catholic? You really never know for I know divorced Catholics
that married Catholics.

 

[10gr8kids]

I too am married to a wonderful Christian man who is not Catholic. While I think many things would be easier if he were Catholic, being married to a non-committed Catholic was less appealing to me. We also had trouble having children, and heard similar comments from a Christian agency we looked into adopting through. I was already heartbroken over not having a child and I couldn’t believe how insensitive they were. God knows how we feel and He cares. Talk to Him and be honest with Him about your feelings. He will help you heal.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My mom is Protestant and my dad was a Catholic, although he left the picture when I was just a baby. My dad used to get all sorts of awful comments about my mother (who is the most wonderful woman in the world, btw) because she was Protestant, despite the fact that he was the abuser with the drinking problem. He wouldn’t stand up for her and it caused her a lot of pain. She would go to mass with him every week, and he would go to her service with her. She didn’t mind going to mass, she’s extremely religious and any chance she gets to pray is fine with her. As to my knowledge he didn’t really mind going to her church either.

But at mass people would insult his decision to marry her in front of her. His family did this at family gatherings too. He would never stand up for her, and of course that hurt her a lot. Eventually she ended up standing up for herself and that caused a lot of rifts with her and his family and church community.

I don’t really have a lot of advice except to stand up for your husband and make it clear that you will not tolerate anyone looking down on him because of your difference in religion.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Thank you all so very much for your replies. I try so hard to ignore things, but words do cut deep sometimes. I have even had people call him a heretic! Yes I know in technicality that is what you would call a protestant, but I prefer to think of him as a baptized fallen away catholic who wasn’t brought up in the faith any further. For in technicality that is a vaild term for him too. Protestants are just fallen away catholics. Anyways, enough of that. Just know that you have given me hope and strength to keep up the good fight for our sacramental marriage. And it IS a sacrament, despite the comments about the contrary.

 

[maryjk]

But at mass people would insult his decision to marry her in front of her. His family did this at family gatherings too. He would never stand up for her, and of course that hurt her a lot. Eventually she ended up standing up for herself and that caused a lot of rifts with her and his family and church community.

I don’t really have a lot of advice except to stand up for your husband and make it clear that you will not tolerate anyone looking down on him because of your difference in religion.

That is awful.

Yes, people can be obnoxious. And they have been obnoxious to me about my husband. BUT I never let it pass. I ALWAYS stand up for him. ALWAYS.

Convert in 99,
Continue to stand up for your wonderful husband. You are doing the right thing.

 

[Convert_in_99]

That is awful.

Yes, people can be obnoxious. And they have been obnoxious to me about my husband. BUT I never let it pass. I ALWAYS stand up for him. ALWAYS.

Convert in 99,
Continue to stand up for your wonderful husband. You are doing the right thing.

Is your husband not catholic either? It is always nice to know I’m not alone, though I’m sorry you have these struggles too. I’ve got to learn to be more in your face. I tend to just be very passive and “take” things.

BTW…I love your husband’s quote in your signature.

 

[USS_Nostromo]

I am married to a non-baptizied woman, and I have heard some really nasty comment toward my wife. The best way to deal with these people is to smile and extend my hand saying “I thought I would never meet anyone with a clean slate, so that you can cast the first stone. How do you do it?”. . That seems to make them stop and think. Some get angry and some stop to pick up their jaw. But, the comments became fewer and fewer until they realize that I will not tolerate their comments toward my wife. (by the way, we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversy next month)

 

[maryjk]

Is your husband not Catholic either? It is always nice to know I’m not alone, though I’m sorry you have these struggles too. I’ve got to learn to be more in your face. I tend to just be very passive and “take” things.

BTW…I love your husband’s quote in your signature.

It is even worse, he is an atheist.

My friends know and love him. And my parents did too.

But yes, it causes some problems here at CAF. And I have heard some things from people at church. I ignore the more stupid comments. And I have perfected the “look.” :ehh: I defend him when I feel that someone goes too far.

You do need to stand up for yourself and your love. It takes some getting used to. I mean, really, why would you expect to have to defend your husband when he hasn’t done anything wrong??

 

[FriendlyFace]

** We had our wedding in the catholic church with the necessary dispensations and all.**

Sounds like you did the right thing.

That being said, I do realize why the church says it’s best to marry a catholic. Being a convert myself it is easier for me to be around protestants as my whole family is still protestant. So, while I am sad that my husband doesn’t want to become catholic, I accept this and try to enjoy all of the other wonderful personality traits that he possesses. But lately I am feeling much pain regarding being accepted by my fellow catholics. They tend to see what I did as wrong and put me and our marriage down, as if we are “less” than them because we don’t have a catholic-catholic marriage. Like I made a huge mistake and God isn’t happy with me about it. We are also permanently infertile due to a medical issue I have, so I get comments about “well its for the best since your husband isn’t catholic.” It just tears me up inside and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am actually starting to believe these comments and it is making my depression and anxiety worse.

How rude. 1) Why wouldn’t God be happy with you? You guys got married in the Catholic Church. He joined you together. 2) It’s none of their business. 3) They are in the wrong for making nasty comments. It isn’t necessary, it isn’t helpful, it isn’t kind. They should keep their opinions to themselves.

Am I really a “bad” person for choosing to marry a protestant?

No

Is God mad at me for this?

Doubt it.

Is our infertility a sort of “punishment” for this?

No.

Why are people so mean?

A good question.

Why do they think they are superior to us because they were BLESSED to have the mental health required to find and date and marry a good catholic spouse. I wasn’t so fortunate and blessed, but does that make me a bad person for “settling” for a less than ideal religious division?

It sounds like you married a good Christian guy. I don’t see that as settling. And certainly marrying a Protestant doesn’t make you a bad person. How do they know that this marriage isn’t exactly what God wanted for you? Answer: they don’t. They don’t have enough information to come to a conclusion about that. Only you and your husband do. I would ignore them.

I am just worn out with all this. Why are my fellow catholic peers so insensitive about us?

I don’t know, but please accept my prayers and support. Don’t let mean people get you down. It’s not worth the heartache, and it doesn’t sound like you have anything to feel bad about. You didn’t do anything wrong! :hug1: