Having Trouble Keeping Thoughts Of My Ex-Wife Being Out With The Guy That She Is Dating

[naomanos6]

You are in the process of making the transition in identity from being a husband/part of a household family to being single with shared custody. It’s a struggle, you have to define your boundaries because you aren’t a husband anymore. As someone else mentioned, she shouldn’t have the best of both worlds-- someone fulfilling many of the obligations of a husband while she has shed the responsibilities of being a wife. That isn’t fair to you.

ETA: Sorry, forgot-- if your goal is reconciliation I think it would be better that she is given the opportunity to miss the things a husband does.

You seem to have accepted one of the key tenets of the patriarchy-- that your obligations to those you love, to those weaker than you, protection of women takes precedence over all other obligations, even to yourself. In return those you protect provide allegiance and support. The patriarchy is dead, you need to get over it. Your wife (now ex legally) falls into three of the categories- someone you love/weak due to illness/woman–hence your strong compulsion to remain so engaged. She has no obligations to you, you have no obligations to her other than those required by law regarding the kids and financial support.

I admire your values, but she is exploiting those values. She may even have counted on them in coming to her decision to divorce. I’m pretty sure my ex did, but I counted on her acting in a way to alienate the kids. Hence my recommendation to document any time you take the kids on her custody time (and probably anytime she needs you to assist with them due to her condition). That can be used to show the court to assign more custody time to you based on what has actually been happening

Thank you again for your reply.

She doesn’t ask me to fake them when it’s her time because her mom lives with her, so she has a live in babysitter. I have taken them when one or the other was sick longer than I should, and they have done the same for me. I already got my daughter every other week for a week and my son on the weekends that I have my daughter due to my mom not being able to take care of him when I’m not there (I live with my parents till I can get a place on my own, which will be after I get my EMT certification back and get an EMT job). She can for my daughter because my daughter is older. Within the year I’ll have my son for as long as my daughter.

As for interests, I don’t have many. I’m not into a whole lot. Movies, video games, fishing, and would love to scuba dive, but my allergies and asthma preclude me from that. I can not seem to ever clear my ears (I took classes before). I do like r/c cars too. I cannot dance and have no inclinations on learning. Love going to the beach, but feel funny going alone.

You’re right, this is all new to me. I’m just extremely lonely. I don’t know how to meet people and I don’t think my interests are good for meeting people. There are no fishing clubs around here. No r/c car clubs.

I feel stupid for even saying that I don’t have many interests.

 

[SuperHappy]

No, I don’t think that she has known him longer. I think she just thought it was okay.

If she did not know this person and she introduced him after such a short time, there appears to be errors in judgment on her part. It’s never good to introduce new people so quickly to small children. At best, it is confusing, at worst, it puts them at risk for predatory behavior.

A long discussion is in order.

Is there any way for you to know if she already knew this person? Why was she unhappy with you? Was she possibly already involved and it made your relationship suffer? It doesn’t matter since you are divorced, however it may help you to understand why she allowed him to meet your children at such a quick-seeming pace.

Take care of you and your kids. It looks like she is only looking out for herself.

 

[on_the_hill]

Our daughter is three and our son is one. We have been divorced a little over a month.

I feel bad for the little ones. It must be confusing in ways that we, as adults, can’t comprehend anymore.

It’s been only a little more than a month–of course you’re having a hard time. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Thank you again for your reply.

She doesn’t ask me to fake them when it’s her time because her mom lives with her, so she has a live in babysitter. I have taken them when one or the other was sick longer than I should, and they have done the same for me. I already got my daughter every other week for a week and my son on the weekends that I have my daughter due to my mom not being able to take care of him when I’m not there (I live with my parents till I can get a place on my own, which will be after I get my EMT certification back and get an EMT job). She can for my daughter because my daughter is older. Within the year I’ll have my son for as long as my daughter.

As for interests, I don’t have many. I’m not into a whole lot. Movies, video games, fishing, and would love to scuba dive, but my allergies and asthma preclude me from that. I can not seem to ever clear my ears (I took classes before). I do like r/c cars too. I cannot dance and have no inclinations on learning. Love going to the beach, but feel funny going alone.

You’re right, this is all new to me. I’m just extremely lonely. I don’t know how to meet people and I don’t think my interests are good for meeting people. There are no fishing clubs around here. No r/c car clubs.

I feel stupid for even saying that I don’t have many interests.

Yeah, I know what you mean about feeling stupid. It’s hard sometimes to get out of the rut and explore new things. Hence why I suggested a variety of things- being able to dance will be an asset in the future, it’s different, and it gets you talking to folks you normally wouldn’t meet. Volunteering is a great way to meet folks, get out of your rut etc. Any opportunities at hospitals/clinics/rehab centers near you? Or Churches? You might also consider getting your kid involved in some activities/play groups. You’ll at least meet some other parents, there are probably some single parent groups in your area.

Asthma and SCUBA definitely don’t mix. Have you been on craigslist, internet looking for groups in your area? Video gaming actually can be a good way to meet people if you play the multi-player modes.

 

[naomanos6]

Yeah, I know what you mean about feeling stupid. It’s hard sometimes to get out of the rut and explore new things. Hence why I suggested a variety of things- being able to dance will be an asset in the future, it’s different, and it gets you talking to folks you normally wouldn’t meet. Volunteering is a great way to meet folks, get out of your rut etc. Any opportunities at hospitals/clinics/rehab centers near you? Or Churches? You might also consider getting your kid involved in some activities/play groups. You’ll at least meet some other parents, there are probably some single parent groups in your area.

Asthma and SCUBA definitely don’t mix. Have you been on craigslist, internet looking for groups in your area? Video gaming actually can be a good way to meet people if you play the multi-player modes.

I will do some research into the things that you suggested.

Would love to be a volunteer EMT again like I was many years ago up in NJ and NY, but they don’t have that available here in Florida. At least not in my county. I do play massively multi-player online role playing games, but it’s been a while since I made friends in one. Plus, from what I remember, there is generally no one in your general area.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I will do some research into the things that you suggested.

Would love to be a volunteer EMT again like I was many years ago up in NJ and NY, but they don’t have that available here in Florida. At least not in my county. I do play massively multi-player online role playing games, but it’s been a while since I made friends in one. Plus, from what I remember, there is generally no one in your general area.

My son and brother both happened to meet folks living close by in on-line games. At the very least it gets you talking to new folks. Maybe get involved in tournaments?

Its very hard making the shift from being married and thinking of yourself as part of a team back to being single. Since my kids lived with me full time, I’ve spent most of my time focusing on them and little on making acquaintances. (That saying- the man loses the friends in the divorce was true. Mostly because friends were all couple and doing couples type gatherings, they tried to include me where they could but…) I do teach CCD which at least gave me another circle of people to associate with. But it is necessary to make the effort to get involved in things because that will go along way to assisting in you detaching emotionally from your legally ex-wife. You exercising, going to a gym? Bicycle riding-- a lot of cycling groups where I live and exercising really helps clear your head.

 

[Irishmom2]

I think that styrgwillidar has given you excellent advice, OP. He saved me the trouble of writing the same things.

If you are looking for something to get involved with, look to your parish. Join a group, start a group, or offer to help in some way. Just ask what they can use you for. They are not going to turn away free labor or brain power! You will make friends with different backgrounds, age groups, education levels. It’s all good, you are all Catholic. And, you will be setting a good example for your children to see growing up.

You are going to have to detach from your ex. You can be friendly for the children’s sake, but you need to also separate your lives too. Read over the suggestions from styrgwillidar. Good advice from someone that knows.