Having trouble setting up a Wedding Date with the church?

[carrotjuice10]

My fiance and I want to get married at his parents’ parish. We are away at college and we visit his parents a lot, so we usually attend their parish.

We got engaged four months ago and want to get married this year but still are having trouble setting up a date with the church.

I called the office initially over a month ago who told me that we “need to sign up for a retreat before talking to the priest or doing anything else.”

I went to sign up for the retreat but they required us to write down our wedding date and name of priest.

I suspect the office is understaffed because the phone usually goes to voicemail, and when I do leave a voicemail, I don’t hear back. So, my fiance and I went to talk to the priest after mass one weekend. The priest then told us that he didn’t know what days were available and to…“call the office to set up a date.”

So, now I have been trying to get ahold of the office once again. I am so nervous and have horrible social anxiety talking on the phone–also I don’t want the church to think I’m harassing them! So after getting voicemail a few more times, I sent the parish office an email explaining this entire situation yet again.

It has been over a week and I didn’t hear back. So I called them on the phone once more this morning. The lady sounded like she was really annoyed with me and said she got the email but doesn’t know anything about what days are available or how to set up a wedding and that I needed to talk to the priest after church.

I am confused because the priest is the one who told us to go back to the office in the first place.

The lady continued to list off other important things the priest is busy doing during the week which made me feel like she thought I was acting like “the world revolves around me.” I feel horrible, I don’t mean to act like this if I am. I understand they have other things to do. This is only the 2nd time I’ve talked to the office over the course of 2 months. I don’t know how to make any progress if the office keeps telling me to go the priest and the priest tells me to go to the office.

We do go to that parish a lot but this month we are busy with work and are going to have a difficult time getting there. There are two priests that switch out every other mass so if we do go back, I don’t even know if it will be the same priest I originally talked to.

I just don’t know what to do. Should we just sign up for the retreat and just leave the date/priest blank?

I am so stressed out. I feel like I’m being sent in circles. Is this normal for parishes? It seems like other couples can get everything set up so easily. My future in-laws said back when they got married they just went in and got a date set up immediately. Any advice? How can I talk to them without sounding like I’m being demanding or nagging?

I’m just so nervous because now I feel like if they insist we have to wait until after the retreat to pick a date, we probably won’t even be able to get married this year, right? I’m nervous because if that happens, we won’t be able to live together this year and I’m just so stressed out thinking about all of that.

I’d really appreciate advice/suggestions/etc.
Thanks

 

[Allegra]

What a weird situation! I imagine the people in the office are part-time and possibly a series of volunteers, so the left hand doesn’t know what the right is doing. However, suggesting that you set a wedding date with a priest by walking up to him after Mass is a bit crazy. No one in that kind of environment is in a situation to do calendar planning. I guess the best option is to go up the priest after Mass and explain that you want to get married, but you’re having a really hard time communicating with the parish office and explain how you’ve been given the run-around. Honestly, at this point, I would probably seek out another parish to get married in. If it takes this long to get someone to open up a calendar, imagine trying to work with the priest for pre-cana and all that!

 

[EnglishTeacher]

No, this is not normal, and there is a clear disconnect in communication between the priest and his staff that they need to fix. Parishes normally get a lot of calls about potential weddings, and they should have a policy in place for what to tell people who are looking to get the marriage preparation process started.

I am guessing the priest doesn’t have an email listed in the bulletin or on the website? If he does, contact him directly and explain the situation. Otherwise, contact him by phone and ask to leave a voicemail or message for him this time. Sorry that your situation is being handled so poorly; hope you can get it resolved. (Also, the office lady should not be telling you to contact the priest after Mass. Father gets hit with a million questions after Mass, and he doesn’t have his calendar with him to set up appointments. That is on her, though, not you, of course.)

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I’m just so nervous because now I feel like if they insist we have to wait until after the retreat to pick a date, we probably won’t even be able to get married this year, right?

I think there is a very good chance you could still get married this year. Unless the parish is completely booked with weddings (and I doubt they are if they give this kind of run-around to everyone who wants to get married there), there is plenty of time for them to get your date in the calendar. We got married just a little over six months after getting engaged, and I know others who did it in a similar time frame.

When is the retreat? (They shouldn’t be making you wait until after the retreat to pick a date, though.)

 

[carrotjuice10]

Thanks for the responses, guys! Another though I have–wondering if I can get some (name removed by moderator)ut–is should my fiance at I maybe go to the local parish in our college town?

We don’t go there very often but is it possible to maybe do marriage prep/pre-canna here with this local parish? Or maybe they could help us contact the parish we want to get married in?

Also, in response to:

When is the retreat? (They shouldn’t be making you wait until after the retreat to pick a date, though.)

The retreat is in April. Thanks, I guess it could still be enough time!

 

[1ke]

No, it’s not normal.

You need to be assertive. You aren’t bothering them, it’s their job. if your social anxiety makes it difficult for you to be assertive, have your fiancé be assertive or his parents be assertive.

It is also certainly an option to do premarital preparation at your college parish and get married in his home parish.

I suggest making an appointment with the pastor if you can-- and it’s not the office’s business why you want an appointment. Be polite but firm.

It is also totally fine to sign up for the retreat without putting a date or priest’s name.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Thanks for the responses, guys! Another though I have–wondering if I can get some (name removed by moderator)ut–is should my fiance at I maybe go to the local parish in our college town?

We don’t go there very often but is it possible to maybe do marriage prep/pre-canna here with this local parish? Or maybe they could help us contact the parish we want to get married in?

Yes, actually that would be a great option. A lot of parishes will work with you on doing your preparation locally, especially if they are Newman Centers or other college-town parishes. Are you a member of a parish in your town? Some parishes might want you to be a parishioner before they will marriage prep with you, but not necessarily–check with them and see what their policy is.

 

[Allegra]

That isn’t uncommon at all. When my husband and I were engaged, we lived in separate states, so we did precana with a different priest than the one in the parish where we married.

 

[pianistclare]

Make an appointment with the Pastor.

Ask him if you can do your marriage prep closer to campus, and then let HIM check his personal schedule and church calendar.
It will be ok, take a deep breath.
Congratulations on your engagement and marriage!

 

[Usige]

Instead of talking to the priest about the date, ask him for a meeting to discuss marriage prep. It might also be done with a deacon if the parish has one. In my area that initial meeting is when the marriage prep folder is started and when Proximate Preparation officially begins. We won’t even talk about the date until the initial interview is completed.

Also check the diocese where you want to get married to see what they require. Different diocese have differing requirements and may be more or less strict about what preperations must include.

My diocese has a list of classes, retreats and a rough schedule when they should be completed. In general it says that preparation must begin at least 12 months in advance and be completed 2 months before the wedding. Now, we have been able to compress it, but the bishop is very clear that the preparation must be completed and those involved in prep have to certify that the couple has been catechized about marriage to the best of their abilities. This includes noting any potential problems that the clergy in charge are to address with the couple. We have also prepared couples for marriage in other dioceses, but we had to comply with their standards not the diocese we are in.

The only reason I mention the above is because it sounds like the parish is a bit disorganized and I wouldn’t want you to do the retreat only to find out that there were other requirements that you didn’t know about. If a couple in my diocese does not complete their marriage prep folder then clergy are not supposed to proceed to marry them. Most diocese I’ve dealt with have policies on what needs to be done and they generally involve several meetings with a priest or deacon. It just seems that you are being asked to start in the middle without having talked with the priest about the process and policies rather than any specifics. My apologies if I am misreading your situation.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I was engaged and married within a year. It really shouldn’t be this difficult and you have been badly treated. If you can I would find another parish.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

As others have said, no, this isn’t normal.

If you’re having trouble being assertive enough, have your fiance call, or his parents, since they’re parishioners. If the priest has a direct email listed in the bulletin, you could try emailing him directly to explain that there seems to be some disconnect between him and the office, since the office keeps telling you to talk to him after Mass but he tells you to contact the office. You can also set up an appointment with the priest to discuss the marriage preparation process.

Good luck!

 

[Lamentation]

My fiance and I want to get married at his parents’ parish. We are away at college and we visit his parents a lot, so we usually attend their parish.

We got engaged four months ago and want to get married this year but still are having trouble setting up a date with the church.

I called the office initially over a month ago who told me that we “need to sign up for a retreat before talking to the priest or doing anything else.”

I went to sign up for the retreat but they required us to write down our wedding date and name of priest.

I suspect the office is understaffed because the phone usually goes to voicemail, and when I do leave a voicemail, I don’t hear back. So, my fiance and I went to talk to the priest after mass one weekend. The priest then told us that he didn’t know what days were available and to…“call the office to set up a date.”

So, now I have been trying to get ahold of the office once again. I am so nervous and have horrible social anxiety talking on the phone–also I don’t want the church to think I’m harassing them! So after getting voicemail a few more times, I sent the parish office an email explaining this entire situation yet again.

It has been over a week and I didn’t hear back. So I called them on the phone once more this morning. The lady sounded like she was really annoyed with me and said she got the email but doesn’t know anything about what days are available or how to set up a wedding and that I needed to talk to the priest after church.

I am confused because the priest is the one who told us to go back to the office in the first place.

The lady continued to list off other important things the priest is busy doing during the week which made me feel like she thought I was acting like “the world revolves around me.” I feel horrible, I don’t mean to act like this if I am. I understand they have other things to do. This is only the 2nd time I’ve talked to the office over the course of 2 months. I don’t know how to make any progress if the office keeps telling me to go the priest and the priest tells me to go to the office.

We do go to that parish a lot but this month we are busy with work and are going to have a difficult time getting there. There are two priests that switch out every other mass so if we do go back, I don’t even know if it will be the same priest I originally talked to.

I just don’t know what to do. Should we just sign up for the retreat and just leave the date/priest blank?

I am so stressed out. I feel like I’m being sent in circles. Is this normal for parishes? It seems like other couples can get everything set up so easily. My future in-laws said back when they got married they just went in and got a date set up immediately. Any advice? How can I talk to them without sounding like I’m being demanding or nagging?

I’m just so nervous because now I feel like if they insist we have to wait until after the retreat to pick a date, we probably won’t even be able to get married this year, right? I’m nervous because if that happens, we won’t be able to live together this year and I’m just so stressed out thinking about all of that.

I’d really appreciate advice/suggestions/etc.
Thanks

My suggestion as a seminarian having been at a number of parishes: Go to the office in person, if at all possible (not an appointment, but go to the office during their business hours). It’s usually easier for all involved.

It doesn’t matter which priest you talk to, the secretary’s always the one with the “power of the pen”. The reality of today’s parishes are that the priest often doesn’t know his own schedule, and even if he does, it tends to change at last minute due to deaths, hospital admissions, etc.

That’s why I suggest going in to the office directly if possible. If the secretary gives you trouble, ask to speak to one of the priests, who will then straighten it out - but he won’t do it without his schedule-maker present.

 

[Bob_Crowley]

I’d suggest you get your finance’s parents to call the church office and tell them to get their act together. Assuming your future parents in law are agreeable with the marriage, then if I were them, I’d be feeling pretty jacked off about the whole thing.

Get them to ring the church office and put a flea in their ear.