Having trouble with NFP..please help!

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abstract123

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My wife and I have been married for over 3 years. During those 3 years, we have 2 kids, and another one the way. We even got pregnant on the honeymoon. Why are we pregnant so much? Natural Family Planning.

Here’s a little backstory. I was raised Catholic since birth. I made the decision to wait until marriage to have sex. There have been times where I’ve been tempted, but I knew that it was worth waiting for so I didn’t give in to those temptations. All of my life, sex really wasn’t talked about. It’s like it was “dirty” or seomthing. I hear this a lot from other catholic members. The only thing that was discusses was “wait until you’re married”. As soon as my wife and I said “I do”, we are allowed to have as much sex as we want. Like the wait is finally over… but wait! Now that I can have sex, you must follow these rules…

True, there really is only “one” rule, which is to finish inside your wife, but it seems like that there’s more. My wife and I really don’t want anymore children after the 3rd one and we just can’t get this NFP thing right. It’s not working for us. We’re still very young and if we keep going at this rate, we’ll have 20 kids. I honestly think everytime my wife and I had sex(pre pregnancy) she got pregnant. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing because we’re bringing children in this world, but my pocketbook would not be able to handle it. So, since birth control, vascetomy, and the “withdrawal” method is not an option, what do we do? Just not have sex?
 
abstract123 said:
Why are we pregnant so much? Natural Family Planning.
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Wrong. She’s pregnant because you’re having sex. Biology man…
Now that I can have sex, you must follow these rules…
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Hrm…
My wife and I really don’t want anymore children after the 3rd one and we just can’t get this NFP thing right. It’s not working for us.
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Oh really? No, it seems like you don’t know the rules or are not practicing them. If she was on the Pill but forgot to take it for a few days and she ended up pregnant, would you blame the manufacturer?
We’re still very young and if we keep going at this rate, we’ll have 20 kids. I honestly think everytime my wife and I had sex(pre pregnancy) she got pregnant. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing because we’re bringing children in this world, but my pocketbook would not be able to handle it. So, since birth control, vascetomy, and the “withdrawal” method is not an option, what do we do? Just not have sex?
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I think the perspective you have is a bit skewed in terms of what the Catholic mindset should be but I understand the concern. Hopefully it’s just the fatherly sense of panic of “how can I feed these kids?!” coming into play and not an uncharitable view of sex.

May I suggest that you read up on LAM so you’ll have 98.5% effectiveness in the first six post-partum months?

But then, and this is key, you’re gonna have to be super-conservative for awhile while you learn the methods correctly. NFP does indeed work, but it is also much trickier than just taking a pill or getting sterilized. It also requires self-control. I fully empathize as we had two kids in our first two years of marriage and “going without” as it were, even for awhile, is not easy. But it’s doable and necessary to get the method and its rules down correctly.
 
abstract123 said:
My wife and I have been married for over 3 years. During those 3 years, we have 2 kids, and another one the way. We even got pregnant on the honeymoon. Why are we pregnant so much? Natural Family Planning.

Here’s a little backstory. I was raised Catholic since birth. I made the decision to wait until marriage to have sex. There have been times where I’ve been tempted, but I knew that it was worth waiting for so I didn’t give in to those temptations. All of my life, sex really wasn’t talked about. It’s like it was “dirty” or seomthing. I hear this a lot from other catholic members. The only thing that was discusses was “wait until you’re married”. As soon as my wife and I said “I do”, we are allowed to have as much sex as we want. Like the wait is finally over… but wait! Now that I can have sex, you must follow these rules…

True, there really is only “one” rule, which is to finish inside your wife, but it seems like that there’s more. My wife and I really don’t want anymore children after the 3rd one and we just can’t get this NFP thing right. It’s not working for us. We’re still very young and if we keep going at this rate, we’ll have 20 kids. I honestly think everytime my wife and I had sex(pre pregnancy) she got pregnant. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing because we’re bringing children in this world, but my pocketbook would not be able to handle it. So, since birth control, vascetomy, and the “withdrawal” method is not an option, what do we do? Just not have sex?
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Maybe you need to learn a different method of NFP. Different methods work better for different couples. Three unplanned pregnancies in three years would point to a problem - either errors in reading the signs of fertility, using a plan that is not as conservative as you need, or there might be other factors that are making the signs hard to read or easy to misinterpret.

Your first step should be to see a doctor who is well versed in different NFP methodologies. Next make sure you have good training.

In a perfect world, there would be nothing stopping a naturally fertile couple from having 20 kids. But we don’t live in a perfect world and there are many good reasons to delay having another child, including financial.
 
The_Bucket said:
Wrong. She’s pregnant because you’re having sex. Biology man…

Hrm…

Oh really? No, it seems like you don’t know the rules or are not practicing them. If she was on the Pill but forgot to take it for a few days and she ended up pregnant, would you blame the manufacturer?

I think the perspective you have is a bit skewed in terms of what the Catholic mindset should be but I understand the concern. Hopefully it’s just the fatherly sense of panic of “how can I feed these kids?!” coming into play and not an uncharitable view of sex.

May I suggest that you read up on LAM so you’ll have 98.5% effectiveness in the first six post-partum months?

But then, and this is key, you’re gonna have to be super-conservative for awhile while you learn the methods correctly. NFP does indeed work, but it is also much trickier than just taking a pill or getting sterilized. It also requires self-control. I fully empathize as we had two kids in our first two years of marriage and “going without” as it were, even for awhile, is not easy. But it’s doable and necessary to get the method and its rules down correctly.
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I am in no means “blaming” NFP. We’re just not doing it correctly, apparently. I know she’s pregnant because we’re having sex. So, in reality, the only “true” way to not get pregnant, is to abstain from having sex, right? Why should a married couple have to refrain from having sex? It would feel like before we were married, all over again. I just don’t feel that it’s right.
 
abstract123 said:
I know she’s pregnant because we’re having sex. So, in reality, the only “true” way to not get pregnant, is to abstain from having sex, right? Why should a married couple have to refrain from having sex?
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Because the only “true” way to get pregnant is to have sex. :rolleyes:

Married couples have all kinds of reasons for refraining from sex. My guess is that you had to refrain from sex for a time after your wife gave birth. There can be health reasons, distance reasons, emotional reasons, – all kinds of reasons. In your case, you indicated that your reasons are financial. If you have a good reason, you refrain. If not, you don’t.
 
Corki said:
Because the only “true” way to get pregnant is to have sex. :rolleyes:

Married couples have all kinds of reasons for refraining from sex. My guess is that you had to refrain from sex for a time after your wife gave birth. There can be health reasons, distance reasons, emotional reasons, – all kinds of reasons. In your case, you indicated that your reasons are financial. If you have a good reason, you refrain. If not, you don’t.
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Is there any other way to get pregnant that I don’t know about? IVF? I thought that was frowned upon?

Yes, we refrained from having sex after the birth of our children. We don’t have health reason, emotional, distance reasons. Yes, if we had 10 kids, we’d be in a financial situation. We could afford to have more, but we don’t want to. If NFP isn’t working for us, you’re telling me that we’ll have to just cope with it? Yes, I understand NFP can be successful, but it doesn’t work for everyone.
 
abstract123 said:
Is there any other way to get pregnant that I don’t know about? IVF? I thought that was frowned upon?
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Exactly.
Yes, we refrained from having sex after the birth of our children. We don’t have health reason, emotional, distance reasons.
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Good. That makes things much easier.
Yes, if we had 10 kids, we’d be in a financial situation. We could afford to have more, but we don’t want to.
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These two sentances seem to contradict each other.
If NFP isn’t working for us, you’re telling me that we’ll have to just cope with it? Yes, I understand NFP can be successful, but it doesn’t work for everyone
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It’s true that there are very rare cases where no form of NFP will be successful in either aiding conception or delaying it. However, I don’t think you are there yet. You said it’s possible you weren’t doing it right. Until you investigate that, it’s not really true that NFP isn’t working for you. Investigating other methods, getting the advice of a physician who is knowledgeable, getting more training are all things you can try. That’s nowhere near saying you have to “just cope with it”.
 
Corki said:
Exactly.

Good. That makes things much easier.

These two sentances seem to contradict each other.

It’s true that there are very rare cases where no form of NFP will be successful in either aiding conception or delaying it. However, I don’t think you are there yet. You said it’s possible you weren’t doing it right. Until you investigate that, it’s not really true that NFP isn’t working for you. Investigating other methods, getting the advice of a physician who is knowledgeable, getting more training are all things you can try. That’s nowhere near saying you have to “just cope with it”.
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Which part contradicts? We can afford to have more children. We choose not to. I’m sure that any family who has 10 kids would be in a financial situation.

You’re right, I don’t know if we’re doing NFP right, or if we’re using the right methods, but do we really want to take that chance of my wife getting pregnant again? Sure, one more wouldn’t hurt, but we both agree that we do not want more children.

So, on the “rare” cases that NFP is not successful, then what to couples do? Cope with it?
 
abstract123 said:
Which part contradicts? We can afford to have more children. We choose not to. I’m sure that any family who has 10 kids would be in a financial situation.
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Already starting down a slippery mindset. The Church calls us to be generous in our openness to children.
You’re right, I don’t know if we’re doing NFP right, or if we’re using the right methods, but do we really want to take that chance of my wife getting pregnant again? Sure, one more wouldn’t hurt, but we both agree that we do not want more children.
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Why don’t you want more kids? Financial hardship? Health? Age? Or just because you want to be “done” so you can do things for yourself? Protip: That last one is a sign you may not have a generous mindset.

If you mean you agree you don’t want another child right now because of the overload, that’s different. That’s a mental/physical/emotional health issue. You don’t want to exhaust yourselves. I totally get that.

So like I said, you need to learn a lot about LAM for after this next child. And then during that time you need to learn other methods and reconcile yourselves to the fact that there’s gonna be more abstinence than green-lights for a few months while you learn it. Not the worst thing in the world. Not fun, but not horrible either.
So, on the “rare” cases that NFP is not successful, then what to couples do? Cope with it?
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They welcome children with open arms. If you mean what do many in today’s society do, I’d say they turn to abortion and sterilization.
 
The_Bucket said:
Already starting down a slippery mindset. The Church calls us to be generous in our openness to children.

Why don’t you want more kids? Financial hardship? Health? Age? Or just because you want to be “done” so you can do things for yourself? Protip: That last one is a sign you may not have a generous mindset.

If you mean you agree you don’t want another child right now because of the overload, that’s different. That’s a mental/physical/emotional health issue. You don’t want to exhaust yourselves. I totally get that.

So like I said, you need to learn a lot about LAM for after this next child. And then during that time you need to learn other methods and reconcile yourselves to the fact that there’s gonna be more abstinence than green-lights for a few months while you learn it. Not the worst thing in the world. Not fun, but not horrible either.

They welcome children with open arms. If you mean what do many in today’s society do, I’d say they turn to abortion and sterilization.
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Well, my wife had a rough pregnancy with our second child. She was in and out of the hospital, her and the baby. When we got pregnant for the 3rd time, my wife was an emotional mess. She’s coming to terms with it and “dealing” with it, so to speak. As of right now, she does not want anymore children and I agreed with her. We’re both still very young(me-24 her-23) so it’s not age. We’re both frustrated that we put 100% faith into NFP and I don’t want to say that it’s “letting us down” because we have beautiful, healthy children, but it’s not working in regards to spacing our children out like would want to.
 
abstract123 said:
I am in no means “blaming” NFP. We’re just not doing it correctly, apparently. I know she’s pregnant because we’re having sex. So, in reality, the only “true” way to not get pregnant, is to abstain from having sex, right? Why should a married couple have to refrain from having sex? It would feel like before we were married, all over again. I just don’t feel that it’s right.
Click to expand...
abstract123 said:
If NFP isn’t working for us, you’re telling me that we’ll have to just cope with it? Yes, I understand NFP can be successful, but it doesn’t work for everyone.
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Veering away from the emotional venting and leaning more toward practical questions:

What method are you using?
Are you discussing your “failures” with your teacher?
Are you looking into other methods that may work better for you?
Are you reading any other teaching materials that could help improve your NFP education?
 
abstract123 said:
Well, my wife had a rough pregnancy with our second child. She was in and out of the hospital, her and the baby. When we got pregnant for the 3rd time, my wife was an emotional mess. She’s coming to terms with it and “dealing” with it, so to speak. As of right now, she does not want anymore children and I agreed with her. We’re both still very young(me-24 her-23) so it’s not age. We’re both frustrated that we put 100% faith into NFP and I don’t want to say that it’s “letting us down” because we have beautiful, healthy children, but it’s not working in regards to spacing our children out like would want to.
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Is she receiving counseling? Staying healthy emotionally, physically, mentally?
 
abstract123 said:
Well, my wife had a rough pregnancy with our second child. She was in and out of the hospital, her and the baby. When we got pregnant for the 3rd time, my wife was an emotional mess. She’s coming to terms with it and “dealing” with it, so to speak. As of right now, she does not want anymore children and I agreed with her. We’re both still very young(me-24 her-23) so it’s not age. We’re both frustrated that we put 100% faith into NFP and I don’t want to say that it’s “letting us down” because we have beautiful, healthy children, but it’s not working in regards to spacing our children out like would want to.
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Right well my apologies if I was too snarky. The way you put it seemed like you just wanted to be done because you were done. I know all about tough pregnancies and scares and all that not-fun stuff.

The truth is that you’re going to have to seriously bolster your knowledge of NFP. If she breastfeeds then learn all about LAM. It’s pretty easy and highly effective. In most cases that gives you six months but not always. You’ll understand when you read up on LAM.

But while LAM is easy, other methods of NFP are pretty hard. If you’re trying to avoid and you’ve got real serious reasons, like you do, then you need to be very conservative. So you need to find out the circumstances surrounding these three conceptions. Did you miss something? Or did you just chance it? You need to get with a real, live teacher and hammer out a plan so to speak. Get everyone on the same page and the teacher will help you out. It will also help manage your and your wife’s expectations after your next child arrives. Good luck and God bless.

And yes, make sure your wife gets help if she needs it. You know if she just needs a shoulder to cry on or more than that. If she needs more, seek it. You want her to be emotionally healthy during pregnancy and ready for number three.
 
Please research other NFP methods - Marquette model using Clearblue fertility monitor is a great model that can be 98% effective, just as effective as other artificial contraceptives. Please see nfp.marquette.edu/

And you must follow the method - if you want to space out having children or you have reached your limit.
 
abstract123 said:
My wife and I have been married for over 3 years. During those 3 years, we have 2 kids, and another one the way. We even got pregnant on the honeymoon. Why are we pregnant so much? Natural Family Planning.

Here’s a little backstory. I was raised Catholic since birth. I made the decision to wait until marriage to have sex. There have been times where I’ve been tempted, but I knew that it was worth waiting for so I didn’t give in to those temptations. All of my life, sex really wasn’t talked about. It’s like it was “dirty” or seomthing. I hear this a lot from other catholic members. The only thing that was discusses was “wait until you’re married”. As soon as my wife and I said “I do”, we are allowed to have as much sex as we want. Like the wait is finally over… but wait! Now that I can have sex, you must follow these rules…

True, there really is only “one” rule, which is to finish inside your wife, but it seems like that there’s more. My wife and I really don’t want anymore children after the 3rd one and we just can’t get this NFP thing right. It’s not working for us. We’re still very young and if we keep going at this rate, we’ll have 20 kids. I honestly think everytime my wife and I had sex(pre pregnancy) she got pregnant. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing because we’re bringing children in this world, but my pocketbook would not be able to handle it. So, since birth control, vascetomy, and the “withdrawal” method is not an option, what do we do? Just not have sex?
Click to expand...
I say this truthfully and not to be an attack. If you continue to become pregnant, then you are not practicing NFP properly. It is more effective than any other form of birth control when done right. Either your wife is charting incorrectly, or you are not abstaining when you should, but something is not right. I would suggest you attend another round of NFP classes. I really would. I’m praying for you!
 
We use Lady Comp, which is a neat little device. Each morning, my wife takes her temp and the machine does the rest of the figuring. Prior to that, we were charting, but I thought I was getting “cheated” out of some green light days. The machine has been nice, and it might benefit your situation as well, since it really seemed to simplify things. A little pricey at ~$500.00, but worth it to us.
 
Ophelia23 said:
I say this truthfully and not to be an attack. If you continue to become pregnant, then you are not practicing NFP properly. It is more effective than any other form of birth control when done right. Either your wife is charting incorrectly, or you are not abstaining when you should, but something is not right. I would suggest you attend another round of NFP classes. I really would. I’m praying for you!
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Does anyone have any statistics on NFP versus other methods of birth control?
 
abstract123 said:
I am in no means “blaming” NFP. We’re just not doing it correctly, apparently. I know she’s pregnant because we’re having sex. So, in reality, the only “true” way to not get pregnant, is to abstain from having sex, right? Why should a married couple have to refrain from having sex? It would feel like before we were married, all over again. I just don’t feel that it’s right.
Click to expand...
Are you having issues with knowing when she’s fertile or issues with how to regulate your sexual act to the infertile time period?
 
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