Having trouble with the sacrifice of being a mother

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sixofseven

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Hi all,

I have two boys under 2, married for 3 years and lately am having great difficulty with the constant sacrifice of not just being a mother, but also being a wife. I miss my single life, my social life, my time, my body…the list goes on.

I try to ‘offer it up’ always and don’t like hearing people’s “helpful” comments such as, ‘look after number one’, and ‘you have to be true to yourself’.

I try to emulate Our Lady and I try to remember the rewards of eternal life, I love my husband and kids to bits but feeling very alone with it all and feelings of resentment and jealousy cloud my thoughts - and then I feel terribly ungrateful and selfish for feeling resentful etc, a vicious cycle!

Looking for some helpful catholic advice, prayers or just some positive boosts if you can help…:crying:
 
sixofseven said:
Hi all,

I have two boys under 2, married for 3 years and lately am having great difficulty with the constant sacrifice of not just being a mother, but also being a wife. I miss my single life, my social life, my time, my body…the list goes on.

I try to ‘offer it up’ always and don’t like hearing people’s “helpful” comments such as, ‘look after number one’, and ‘you have to be true to yourself’.

I try to emulate Our Lady and I try to remember the rewards of eternal life, I love my husband and kids to bits but feeling very alone with it all and feelings of resentment and jealousy cloud my thoughts - and then I feel terribly ungrateful and selfish for feeling resentful etc, a vicious cycle!

Looking for some helpful catholic advice, prayers or just some positive boosts if you can help…:crying:
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When my wife and I had our second child, while our first one was just turning two years old, that was quite possibly the most challenging time of our entire marriage so far. First of all, the first two-year-old was a huge challenge, because we had no experience parenting a two-year-old at that point. And having two little ones who needed so much attention was a huge trial, especially with us having had only a couple of years to get accustomed to being parents at all. So I sympathize with what you are going through, and I can only say that for us, it has gotten better. (For one thing, the newborn to 3-year-old phase seems not so bad now that we have gone through it several times.)

I have found that the process of marriage and fatherhood is one of sacrifice and of dying to self. As time goes on, I have found that little by little I have had to sacrifice things that I used to love to do, that I just don’t have time for anymore. The same has been true for my wife, and for us together as a couple. However, it has gotten a bit better in the past couple of years. Even with four kids now, I am finding that I have just a tiny bit more time for personal pursuits than I had a few years ago, especially activities that my kids can join me in, such as playing board games together, or them listening to me play guitar.

As I see it, sacrifice and dying to self is something that husbands/fathers and wives/mothers must accept. It is not easy, but it goes with the territory, and the rewards of marriage and parenting do make up for it. But I know it doesn’t always seem that way. Hang in there!
 
Well, I’m reminded of St. Therese of the Child Jesus & the Holy Face/“Little Flower” commenting that life “on the outside” would have to be a horrible trial considering what a challenge she was having working out her salvation in fear and trembling and loving God while being in an environment that was totally oriented to her religious formation, the Carmelite convent.

I like Roy Master’s work at the Foundation of Human Understanding, fhu.com/ and his defining resentment, re-sensing, as the essence of hatred. It’s outside the moment which is the eternal now-ness in which we experience God. So let’s pray for our resentments, that civilized hatred we all indulge in:

Most High God, Your patience with us is a trial of our patience, so please grant us Your divine capacity to endure in joy and be self-sacrificing without resentment that poisons our every act. Thanks. AMEN
 
nordskoven said:
Well, I’m reminded of St. Therese of the Child Jesus & the Holy Face/“Little Flower” commenting that life “on the outside” would have to be a horrible trial considering what a challenge she was having working out her salvation in fear and trembling and loving God while being in an environment that was totally oriented to her religious formation, the Carmelite convent.

I like Roy Master’s work at the Foundation of Human Understanding, fhu.com/ and his defining resentment, re-sensing, as the essence of hatred. It’s outside the moment which is the eternal now-ness in which we experience God. So let’s pray for our resentments, that civilized hatred we all indulge in:

Most High God, Your patience with us is a trial of our patience, so please grant us Your divine capacity to endure in joy and be self-sacrificing without resentment that poisons our every act. Thanks. AMEN
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Great prayer, thank you!
 
PaulGH said:
As I see it, sacrifice and dying to self is something that husbands/fathers and wives/mothers must accept. It is not easy, but it goes with the territory, and the rewards of marriage and parenting do make up for it. But I know it doesn’t always seem that way. Hang in there!
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It’s not easy. But good to know I’m not alone and this is somewhat “normal”. Thanks for sharing.
 
I can relate to what you are describing. There are days when I hate being a mother and wish I could get away from it all and get my old life back. But…these moments pass and I know that I would never want to return to my old life. I love my children, although it is hard taking care of them at times. They need so much love and attention and don’t understand that I need a break now and then. I pray for courage and strenght and just take it one day at a time. Being able to go and have coffee on my own and read for a couple of hours makes a huge difference to me, and I try to do that on saturday afternoons. Do you have any time for yourself, even if it is a couple of hours a week or so? Maybe you just need a little break now and then to recharge your batteries.
 
Yes, what you re going through is completely normal. As a woman who only dreamed of being a wife and mom of a big family, I remember thinking and feeling many times over the years, “You mean I prayed for THIS? What was I thinking?” In many ways, having two little ones was so much more difficult than having four, and four was more difficult than my now 7 (soon to be 8). You are exhausted all the time because the kids are so busy and require so much supervision. You are their main source of entertainment and their favorite “toy.” You need to dress them, feed them, clothe them, bathe them, everything for them. You get touched out so by the time your husband is home in the evening you want nothing more than to hand them off and be alone. And it’s just as hard or harder in dome ways when you are a working mom because you are tired from work, still need to cook dinner and clean and take care of the kids. I worked until #4 was born. I fought that it was going to be so easy once I was a stay at home mom–no, it was not easier, just different. Before I knew it though, the kids were bigger, they began helping out around the house. They entertained themselves and required much less supervision. The older ones started “babysitting” while mom took a shower alone (for the first time in years!) or cooked dinner or even a walk to the mailbox to pick up the mail. One day we were even able to make it through the store without a temper tantrum of some sort or anyone punching someone. It’s funny, now I realize how precious those long drawn out days were. But at the time when older moms would tell me to enjoy it because it goes by too quickly, all I could think was, “Not quick enough!” Please do take time for yourself as well as for your kids. It makes us better moms, not selfish or inattentive. I go to Adoration alone, make a habit of having dad take tge kids out so I can clean alone, NEVER share the shower anymore, and have learned to tell the kids that, no, I’m don’t have to hold you every second. I don’t go to the gym or have girls days out or take vacations alone, but I do take time for me. As a couple, my husband and I take a few minutes here or there throughout the day to connect. At least once a week we try to take a walk or do something fun either with the kids or sometimes alone. I try to remember how hard our relationship was hit by parenthood in those early years. Our husbands do feel neglected and we feel overwhelmed. I wish I had some wisdom as to how to make it easier but all I can tell you is one day it is hard, tge very next you realize you haven’t had a hard day in months. And soon enough you have teenagers and it’s hard again, then they move out or go to college and you miss those teen years too (our oldest is now 19). May God bless you in your service to your family.
 
I suppose it may be a little different if you don’t look at it as a sacrifice. 😊

I am the mother of 3.

You must maintain your own “personality.” Somehow, and yes, I know it is hard, you have to keep up with your own interests and hobbies. Either do something when they are asleep, or work out a plan with your husband so you both get a chance to have some down time for doing what you want.

You must find time to be with friends, even if it is new friends with young children. Just don’t spend the whole time talking about kids! Being isolated with kids can make you feel all alone and sad, so keep up the contact. Take your kids to storytime at the library!

I made some of my most long lasting friendships once my kids started school. It is only natural to get to know others there once you volunteer to help out. But we didn’t spend all our time talking about our kids.

At least once a year, you should have a get together with your friends --no kids. They will all appreciate it. Make some food or make it a potluck.

If you do not find time for something you enjoy–even if it is reading a book or watching a movie, you will grow resentful. I am not saying put yourself first, but I am saying put yourself in there somewhere.

May God bless you and guide you. 🙂
 
I can only echo Paul and IrishMom. It is a difficult period in your married life, and while you shouldn’t dismiss your other responsibilities to only look after number 1, your need for recuperation and recreation need to make the list.

Do you have any other caregivers besides your DH and yourself? Grandma, another friend in a similar life-stage, an mom that has a few more kids and remembers this stage? Perhaps arrange a babysitting swap or a few hours ‘off duty’.
 
sixofseven said:
It’s not easy. But good to know I’m not alone and this is somewhat “normal”. Thanks for sharing.
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As I read back over my post, I realize there is one thing that maybe I didn’t emphasize enough. While I have had to scale back or even completely give up some of the things I enjoyed doing before marriage and kids, those activities have been replaced by other things that are even more rewarding. It may not have seemed that way to me when we just had a two-year-old and a newborn, but it does seem that way now.

For example, I think back to my single life in college or right after college. I hung out with friends frequently, took lots of fun road trips, listened to lots of live music with friends, played in a couple of bands, and so on. I don’t get a chance to do nearly as much of that stuff any more, though I still do go to a few concerts each year, and I still take the occasional road trip (with my wife and kids). 🙂

But the key thing is that as much fun as all those activities were, the things that have replaced them are even better. For example, here are some things I did just over the past few weeks that I never experienced in my time as a single guy:
  • Tickle my two-year-old and my four-year-old and listen to their wonderful laughs.
  • Ask my two-year-old questions and listen to his hilarious answers.
  • Give my kids a hug.
  • Read a bedtime story.
  • Play chess with my oldest son.
  • Play Candyland and other board games with my three oldest kids.
  • Go sledding with my kids.
  • Show my kids how to make snowballs.
Those are just a few small examples; I’m sure I could think of many, many more if I took more time.
 
Prayers and sympathy… I think your feelings are very normal!!!
(((HUGS)))…
 
This is what they tell parents getting ready to have twins and triplets: Do you know how the pre-flight instructions for air travel always tell you that if oxygen is needed in the cabin you must “secure your own mask first before attempting to help others”? Well, there is a reason for that. You can’t help your child when you’re passed out and blocking the aisle.

You must not be *too proud *to ask for what you need to keep yourself functional. That is not healthy for your soul. When you use good tools, they need sharpening once in awhile. If you neglect their care, they haven’t become bad tools. You have become a bad craftsman, because a good craftsman takes care of her tools. It is not meritorious to wear yourself out, either, when you could have asked for help and cut out that which proved to be too much for you. From what you are describing, that is what you need to do.

Remember that the Lord himself allowed the Holy Spirit to drive him off into the desert, allowed himself to withdraw to pray. He did the same for his Apostles: “The apostles gathered together with Jesus and reported all they had done and taught. He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.” People were coming and going in great numbers, and they had no opportunity even to eat. So they went off in the boat by themselves to a deserted place.” Mark 6:30-32.

It wasn’t long before the crowds found them, but the point is that there is nothing unholy about needing to be re-charged. It is necessary. So do your best to make that as much a part of your life as keeping the children clean and fed and on the routines you have set up for their care. You’ll be a much better mom if you do this, knowing you have the Lord’s permission: Sharpen that Saw!
 
Just a note: Play dates are not primarily for the kids. Play dates are so the moms can drink coffee together and laugh and talk with someone who uses full sentences and thinks that potty training stories are funny. The kids like them, too, though. Having them in a neutral place is nice, because it gets the kids somewhere fun and new and nobody has to get their house in order first. We used to meet at a fast food place that had a play structure. The kids ran around like crazy and slept like rocks when we came home.
 
sixofseven said:
I have two boys under 2, married for 3 years and lately am having great difficulty with the constant sacrifice of not just being a mother, but also being a wife.
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Perhaps instead of looking at being a mother as a sacrifice you should be looking at it more properly as a gift from God… the chance to do something more meaningful than drinking with friends, which is the shallow replacement that the secular world esteems over family life. That idea of “single and free forever” is a false notion and is destructive to the value of the self.

The work you do now as a mother is far and away more important than what you were doing before.
I miss my single life, my social life, my time, my body…the list goes on.
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Why? What legacy was there in that? Do you think that 200 years from now anyone will remember your body, or what bar you drank in? Do you think that anyone will care about how many points you had on the xbox live gamer score?

None of that matters. The vast majority of what 95% of us are doing will leave no legacy at all. Your legacy are your children and your family. THEY will outlast you and live on. THEY are what you leave on the world which has the best odds of helping or harming God’s kingdom in the long run. In 200 years, no one may remember what you did or what you looked like, but God grant that your family will be moving forward as faithful catholics and members of God’s kingdom here on earth.

(Side note: this is not to denigrate those laypersons called to a chaste single life, their legacy lies elsewhere… but even so such people are rare compared to those called to married life)

As to how you’re feeling, I get it (I do!) and you’re not alone. It’s hard to give up the glamour of what the world tells you you should be enjoying… and you certainly shouldn’t feel utterly like you’re losing yourself and your personality in a marriage… but when you realize that those things are trivial distractions from the hard work of making a familial legacy, you’ll be much happier with the fact that God has given you the gift of two children.
 
sixofseven said:
Hi all,

I have two boys under 2, married for 3 years and lately am having great difficulty with the constant sacrifice of not just being a mother, but also being a wife. I miss my single life, my social life, my time, my body…the list goes on.

I try to ‘offer it up’ always and don’t like hearing people’s “helpful” comments such as, ‘look after number one’, and ‘you have to be true to yourself’.

I try to emulate Our Lady and I try to remember the rewards of eternal life, I love my husband and kids to bits but feeling very alone with it all and feelings of resentment and jealousy cloud my thoughts - and then I feel terribly ungrateful and selfish for feeling resentful etc, a vicious cycle!

Looking for some helpful catholic advice, prayers or just some positive boosts if you can help…:crying:
Click to expand...
2 boys under 2!!! :eek: Wow, you must have been pregnant pretty much back to back! :eek:

Boys are harder when they are little, because you don’t have any “little mommies” to help out by getting diapers, getting bottles, etc. Usually a little boy isn’t going to feel that maternal sense that little girls have. In fact, not infrequently you have some jealousy that Mommy is spending so much time with that OTHER being now! Mine were 28 mos. apart and my 1st son was used to having ALL of my time and attention.

Anyway, yes, you’re going through probably the toughest time you’ll ever have. They will be great playmates later on, and you’ll have some time to breathe again. Right now they just depend on you for everything. It does get easier as time goes by.

I agree with the moms who have said to get out and meet other moms for playdates. I still have very fond memories of meeting at the neighborhood park where all of our kids could play and we could chat and commiserate, and wear the kids out at the same time. You need neighbors, friends, etc. who can watch your kids if there’s an emergency, too.

If you have family nearby, USE THEM! Also, get out for dates with your husband as often as possible. Don’t forget that the best present you could ever give your kids is a happy marriage.

:grouphug:

It really will go by in a blink. Mine are 19 and 21 now. It seems like yesterday when they were 3 and 1.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
2 boys under 2!!! :eek: Wow, you must have been pregnant pretty much back to back! :eek:

Boys are harder when they are little, because you don’t have any “little mommies” to help out by getting diapers, getting bottles, etc. Usually a little boy isn’t going to feel that maternal sense that little girls have. In fact, not infrequently you have some jealousy that Mommy is spending so much time with that OTHER being now! Mine were 28 mos. apart and my 1st son was used to having ALL of my time and attention.

Anyway, yes, you’re going through probably the toughest time you’ll ever have. They will be great playmates later on, and you’ll have some time to breathe again. Right now they just depend on you for everything. It does get easier as time goes by.

I agree with the moms who have said to get out and meet other moms for playdates. I still have very fond memories of meeting at the neighborhood park where all of our kids could play and we could chat and commiserate, and wear the kids out at the same time. You need neighbors, friends, etc. who can watch your kids if there’s an emergency, too.

If you have family nearby, USE THEM! Also, get out for dates with your husband as often as possible. Don’t forget that the best present you could ever give your kids is a happy marriage.

:grouphug:

It really will go by in a blink. Mine are 19 and 21 now. It seems like yesterday when they were 3 and 1.
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I’ve known little boys to be very good helpers, but not when they’re not two yet themselves, you’re right about that! Some, but very few. Most boys that age are concerned either with keeping his brother out of his stuff (already) or they want him to be able to do everything they can (already).

Great points on why to have a regular sitter that the kids like: that is, because in an emergency you will need one and especially because you can’t take care of your family if you’re not taking care of your marriage.
 
I definitely feel you, and I only have one very rambunctious toddler! I guess what really keeps me going right now is what a priest recently said during a homily. He was saying that what we as moms do for our children, we are really doing for Him. Yes, it’s a sacrifice, but it’s also serving God. Because as we serve those who can’t help themselves we serve God. so thinking that way helps me when I don’t feel like doing something for my daughter after a long day with her.

Meeting other moms helps, I don’t have many friends at all after moving here after we got married, so I go to baby story time every week just to get out of the house, it helps.
 
I just want to thank you all so much for your posts, each one has been a gem of insight, foresight and encouragement and a new perspective - I didn’t even think about Jesus ans his disciples recharging their batteries! I’ve opened up to hubby and have enjoyed a ‘night off’, having dinner with friends and getting out of the house. Batteries are recharged a bit now!

Our situation is that we have no family around and few friends, and my husband travels up to 2hrs to work, so at times I feel isolated and a bit like a single mother. We’re working on making some changes like a new job or new location.

I fell pregnant straight after we were married and then again when our eldest turned 1, so the past 3 years have somewhat of a hirlwind!

Thank you all so much.
 
I agree with the recommendation that others have given, that you should take some time for yourself from time to time, to recharge your batteries. My parents watch our two littlest ones (the ones who aren’t in school yet) once a week, and that one day a week makes a HUGE difference for my wife. Even though she usually just uses the time to catch up on grocery shopping and laundry, rather than do something fun, the break from the kids really helps her to maintain her sanity. 🙂

So if you can get a regular break from the kids, whether to catch up on chores, or to go out with your husband or with friends, you may find that that will help you immensely. (This may be hard to do though if you are nursing a child under the age of one. In that case maybe that child has to go with you, or maybe the break has to be short. But the same basic idea can still work.)
 
Actaeon said:
The work you do now as a mother is far and away more important than what you were doing before.

Do you think that 200 years from now anyone will remember your body, or what bar you drank in? Do you think that anyone will care about how many points you had on the xbox live gamer score?

None of that matters. The vast majority of what 95% of us are doing will leave no legacy at all. Your legacy are your children and your family. THEY will outlast you and live on. THEY are what you leave on the world which has the best odds of helping or harming God’s kingdom in the long run.
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As a mom I enjoyed reading this reminder.
 
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