He cheated and she is pregnant. Now what?

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Tornaaado

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I found out about a month ago that my husband cheated on me a few times. The first time was back in March and April of 2012. He slept with the girl 3 times (the last time without a condom) and when she told him that she loved him, he told her about me.
On our 2 year anniversary (July 3rd) he left me saying he had to go to a local college for an interview and insisted I didn’t go with him. (It was 2 hrs away) He met another girl that night. He wouldn’t answer his phone and I thought something had happened to him. He claimed that he left late and was too tired to drive all the way home so he slept at a rest stop. (I later found out he slept on her couch.) This was the day before I was set to fly out of state to see my family. I returned 10 days later. He had the following day off of work and instead of spending it with me, he met another woman and had sex with her. He disappeared for over 24 hrs that day/night and after calling hospitals to find him, I eventually tried to look at phone records to contact the person he was supposed to be with…when I opened his computer I saw his profile open for a dating site (the same site we met on) and counted 8 conversations he was having with other women.
Since he has been caught, I have tried working on us…he said he didn’t want a divorce but he continued to call these girls he had been talking to. When I saw the phone records, there were too many numbers to keep track of and really count.
We had started to work it out, and then this past week he told me that the girl back in March and April had contacted him to say she is pregnant. The timing is right for it to be his…but we won’t know for sure until she has the kid. (Jan 1st is her due date) I told him that he would have to choose between me or the baby. I know that if it turns out to be his, I will have to be there for him to have anything to do with it if we work on our marriage. This kid will take away our time together, our money and will remain a constant reminder of what he did. Whether I mean for it to or not, my resentment towards the kid will come out in my actions towards it. He doesn’t love the other girl, he would have left me months ago if he did, but he doesn’t want to leave the child alone if it ends up being his. The girl admitted that she only contacted him because she is trying to get him back. I sent her a message to let her know that all contact would have to go through me…and then he called her to respond to a text. (even after I said if he contacted her, I would divorce him)
We are scheduled to see a priest tomorrow. I was trying to find out the Catholic viewpoint on how to handle a child born out of adultry to get an idea of what Father would say. I feel like I have put up with quite a bit…but I can’t bring myself to be ok with that kid being a part of our lives if we will salvage our marriage. It’s me or the kid…what would the Catholic church have to say about that? Any thoughts?
 
The only reason I am replying to your post is because you have had no replies, and I think that is awful.

I have no good advice for you, except to go see a doctor and get tested for STDs…horrible, I know.

I can only give you my prayers and hugs and to let you know that there are people out there that are thinking about you and the horrible place you find yourself in.
 
Your husband has an obligation towards this child (if it is his). What that involves is difficult to say. Certainly a financial obligation. Your priest can advise what sort of other obligations also apply, depending on the specifics of your circumstances.

I think you should also meet with a priest yourself, separately from your husband, and discuss all the issues involved here. Your husband doesn’t sound like a faithful man. Is your marriage a valid Catholic marriage? Are you determined to persist with it, even though your husband seems to lack the ability to commit faithfully? Marriages can survive infidelity, but is your husband interested in or capable of monogamy? Are you putting youself at risk, both physically (STIs) and emotionally, by remaining? Is this a good potential father for your own children? I don’t want to be seen to be encouraging divorce here, but the situation you describe seems quite dire.

This is a terrible situation for you and I will offer some prayers.
 
Tornaaado said:
I found out about a month ago that my husband cheated on me a few times. The first time was back in March and April of 2012. He slept with the girl 3 times (the last time without a condom) and when she told him that she loved him, he told her about me.
On our 2 year anniversary (July 3rd) he left me saying he had to go to a local college for an interview and insisted I didn’t go with him. (It was 2 hrs away) He met another girl that night. He wouldn’t answer his phone and I thought something had happened to him. He claimed that he left late and was too tired to drive all the way home so he slept at a rest stop. (I later found out he slept on her couch.) This was the day before I was set to fly out of state to see my family. I returned 10 days later. He had the following day off of work and instead of spending it with me, he met another woman and had sex with her. He disappeared for over 24 hrs that day/night and after calling hospitals to find him, I eventually tried to look at phone records to contact the person he was supposed to be with…when I opened his computer I saw his profile open for a dating site (the same site we met on) and counted 8 conversations he was having with other women.
Since he has been caught, I have tried working on us…he said he didn’t want a divorce but he continued to call these girls he had been talking to. When I saw the phone records, there were too many numbers to keep track of and really count.
We had started to work it out, and then this past week he told me that the girl back in March and April had contacted him to say she is pregnant. The timing is right for it to be his…but we won’t know for sure until she has the kid. (Jan 1st is her due date) I told him that he would have to choose between me or the baby. I know that if it turns out to be his, I will have to be there for him to have anything to do with it if we work on our marriage. This kid will take away our time together, our money and will remain a constant reminder of what he did. Whether I mean for it to or not, my resentment towards the kid will come out in my actions towards it. He doesn’t love the other girl, he would have left me months ago if he did, but he doesn’t want to leave the child alone if it ends up being his. The girl admitted that she only contacted him because she is trying to get him back. I sent her a message to let her know that all contact would have to go through me…and then he called her to respond to a text. (even after I said if he contacted her, I would divorce him)
We are scheduled to see a priest tomorrow. I was trying to find out the Catholic viewpoint on how to handle a child born out of adultry to get an idea of what Father would say. I feel like I have put up with quite a bit…but I can’t bring myself to be ok with that kid being a part of our lives if we will salvage our marriage. It’s me or the kid…what would the Catholic church have to say about that? Any thoughts?
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If the child is his, your husband has an obligation to try and support the baby and be a part of his/her life. If your husband had any idea of maintaining fidelity toward you, perhaps you could get through this together, but it would never be easy for you. You have only been married 2 years and he has already cheated countless times, if not physically, then emotionally by contacting all these other women.

Frankly, I wouldn’t ever be able to trust such a man again. He has betrayed your trust in so many ways over such a short time, and now there may even be a child he has created with another woman. I’d be making plans to separate and divorce. I can’t say for sure, but I’d think that a man like this could not have made vows validly. I will say prayers for you tonight. I am so sorry that your husband is so…awful.
 
underacloud said:
Your husband has an obligation towards this child (if it is his). What that involves is difficult to say. Certainly a financial obligation. Your priest can advise what sort of other obligations also apply, depending on the specifics of your circumstances.

I think you should also meet with a priest yourself, separately from your husband, and discuss all the issues involved here. Your husband doesn’t sound like a faithful man. Is your marriage a valid Catholic marriage? Are you determined to persist with it, even though your husband seems to lack the ability to commit faithfully? Marriages can survive infidelity, but is your husband interested in or capable of monogamy? Are you putting youself at risk, both physically (STIs) and emotionally, by remaining? Is this a good potential father for your own children? I don’t want to be seen to be encouraging divorce here, but the situation you describe seems quite dire.

This is a terrible situation for you and I will offer some prayers.
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Agreed. :gopray2:
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Frankly, I wouldn’t ever be able to trust such a man again. He has betrayed your trust in so many ways over such a short time, and now there may even be a child he has created with another woman. I’d be making plans to separate and divorce. I can’t say for sure, but I’d think that a man like this could not have made vows validly. I will say prayers for you tonight. I am so sorry that your husband is so…awful.
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And, since he is cheating and not using protection, you are wide open for STDs.

I would talk to your priest, of course, but I really could not stay with a man who disrespected me like that.
 
I’m very sorry that you have so much to deal with. I wasn’t sure if I should post anything to this or not, because I don’t have any good advice for you. The only thing I wanted to say is to remember the child is innocent to all of this and didn’t ask to be brought into this situation. I know this doesn’t make it any easier on you, but try to pray that you could see this child as an innocent victim of circumstance if he/she is your husbands. If you pray for him/her you might be surprised how you could end up feeling towards the child.
 
I’m so sorry you are going through this. As you know there aren’t any easy answers. I’m so thankful you are meeting with your Priest. I will be praying for you.
 
Tornaaado said:
The first time was back in March and April of 2012. He slept with the girl 3 times
SNIP
On our 2 year anniversary (July 3rd) he left me saying he had to go to a local college for an interview and insisted I didn’t go with him. (It was 2 hrs away) He met another girl that night.
SNIP when I opened his computer I saw his profile open for a dating site (the same site we met on) and counted 8 conversations he was having with other women.
SNIP
.he said he didn’t want a divorce but he continued to call these girls he had been talking to.
SNIP
then he called her to respond to a text. (even after I said if he contacted her, I would divorce him)
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That’s quite a track record-and all this was done in the past 5 months.
This month he has proved that he can reach out to other women if he so chooses (and he does so choose) and you will be there for him, despite the fact that it hurts you terribly.
How committed are you to sharing your husband with the women he wishes to share himself with? For how many years? What example will your and his decisions set for present and future children?
May your priest provide you with prayer and good counsel as you struggle with these and other questions.
May God bless you and your husband and the women in both of your lives and all present and future children. Amen.
 
I think that the Catholic perspective on this is that this child is a most innocent victim of the poor choices his/her parents made.

The child has a right to know his/her parents, and under the Third Commandment the father has a grave duty towards this child: an obligation to love, nurture, support, and protect this innocent life.

While you have no such obligation directly, I think it is gravely wrong to attempt to interfere with the parent/child relationship in the way you are currently seeking to do: issuing a ultimatum that he choose between you two. Clearly you are in an emotional place, and who can blame you? Professional counseling will hopefully help you get perspective on this situation and help you come to terms with the child-- who you must always remember is an innocent victim.
 
Some good responses here.

Just to make sure because I didn’t see it mentioned, but do you know for a fact that the child is his? A woman who sleeps with a married man (assuming she knew he was married at the time) probably isn’t going to be very loyal to him either.

edit: nevermind, you addressed this in your original post.
 
Tornaaado said:
I found out about a month ago that my husband cheated on me a few times. The first time was back in March and April of 2012. He slept with the girl 3 times (the last time without a condom) and when she told him that she loved him, he told her about me.
On our 2 year anniversary (July 3rd) he left me saying he had to go to a local college for an interview and insisted I didn’t go with him. (It was 2 hrs away) He met another girl that night. He wouldn’t answer his phone and I thought something had happened to him. He claimed that he left late and was too tired to drive all the way home so he slept at a rest stop. (I later found out he slept on her couch.) This was the day before I was set to fly out of state to see my family. I returned 10 days later. He had the following day off of work and instead of spending it with me, he met another woman and had sex with her. He disappeared for over 24 hrs that day/night and after calling hospitals to find him, I eventually tried to look at phone records to contact the person he was supposed to be with…when I opened his computer I saw his profile open for a dating site (the same site we met on) and counted 8 conversations he was having with other women.
Since he has been caught, I have tried working on us…he said he didn’t want a divorce but he continued to call these girls he had been talking to. When I saw the phone records, there were too many numbers to keep track of and really count.
We had started to work it out, and then this past week he told me that the girl back in March and April had contacted him to say she is pregnant. The timing is right for it to be his…but we won’t know for sure until she has the kid. (Jan 1st is her due date) I told him that he would have to choose between me or the baby. I know that if it turns out to be his, I will have to be there for him to have anything to do with it if we work on our marriage. This kid will take away our time together, our money and will remain a constant reminder of what he did. Whether I mean for it to or not, my resentment towards the kid will come out in my actions towards it. He doesn’t love the other girl, he would have left me months ago if he did, but he doesn’t want to leave the child alone if it ends up being his. The girl admitted that she only contacted him because she is trying to get him back. I sent her a message to let her know that all contact would have to go through me…and then he called her to respond to a text. (even after I said if he contacted her, I would divorce him)
We are scheduled to see a priest tomorrow. I was trying to find out the Catholic viewpoint on how to handle a child born out of adultry to get an idea of what Father would say. I feel like I have put up with quite a bit…but I can’t bring myself to be ok with that kid being a part of our lives if we will salvage our marriage. It’s me or the kid…what would the Catholic church have to say about that? Any thoughts?
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I would recommend immediate separation. You need time to sort this out with a priest, and a therapist. He sounds like a sex addict and its obvious his vows don’t mean anything. He lied to you and obviously has no intention of changing. You are wise to get out while you can. It’s pretty blatant, if what you describe is all true, that he cannot and will not commit. If that impediment existed at the time of your marriage, you would have solid grounds for an annulment. But I would recommend a long separation to get some perspective. You will be surprised how clearly the decision comes to you when you are out of the drama. If he isn’t shocked back to reality, and sees it as an opportunity to play then you have your answer. Get tested for STD’s. He obviously doesn’t care about you in that regard either.

He doesn’t love you, flat out. When you love someone you are honest, and when you make a mistake you repent and don’t repeat it. Matrimony is about two people in total self giving to the other. It’s very apparent that he hasn’t a clue about what that means.

You can spin wheels hoping he will change, believing his lies, but I’ve been there and it doesn’t change. If he has lied all this time, he always will. May God be with you and give you strength. My heart hurts for you, but don’t waste any more time. Get good counseling and legal advice.

I will pray for you.

Lorrie
 
As a person whose husband was unfaithful the very first year of our marriage, I can only advise you to get out now. I do not believe in divorce, but how can a marriage be valid when there is infidelity from the start? You can and should forgive, but that does not mean you have to take him back. He is a serial offender and is not yet willing to change because he called the girl again, after you threatened divorce. Don’t delude yourself, there is very little chance he will change. If you decide to stay, he must prove to you he is willing to change. You must require big things, like giving up his cell phone and computer for a period of time, etc. things that are sacrificial so you know he means business. I will say a rosary for you tonight.
 
constantconvert said:
As a person whose husband was unfaithful the very first year of our marriage, I can only advise you to get out now. I do not believe in divorce, but how can a marriage be valid when there is infidelity from the start? You can and should forgive, but that does not mean you have to take him back. He is a serial offender and is not yet willing to change because he called the girl again, after you threatened divorce. Don’t delude yourself, there is very little chance he will change. If you decide to stay, he must prove to you he is willing to change. You must require big things, like giving up his cell phone and computer for a period of time, etc. things that are sacrificial so you know he means business. I will say a rosary for you tonight.
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I agree and don’t think there’s any way that this marriage is valid.

OP, do you two have children together? If not, then I’d say to dump him now and let him take care of his child, assuming he’s even going to be loyal enough to her to do that. If you do have children, then things might get a little tricky and I think you should do what’s best for them.
 
First I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much. I don’t have any good advice… I recommend moving out. Just so you can figure out what the next steps are. Only you can decide whether to get the marriage annulled or work through this. I think he may have an addiction. It’s a good thing you’ll be seeing a priest tomorrow. Please remember I’m praying for you. Try receiving the Sacraments and most importantly Jesus in Holy Communion. He’ll give you strength.
 
Separation at least is a good idea. There is nothing more painful than having a child in a marriage like that. I saw my toddler run after a stranger at the park who resembled his dad, calling Daddy! Daddy! Years later, that memory still hurts. You need to avoid any chance of your getting pregnant (not to mention an STD) until you figure out what to do.
 
Bill_Martin said:
I agree and don’t think there’s any way that this marriage is valid.

OP, do you two have children together? If not, then I’d say to dump him now and let him take care of his child, assuming he’s even going to be loyal enough to her to do that. If you do have children, then things might get a little tricky and I think you should do what’s best for them.
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Yes, I was making the assumption that you have no children with him (one of the reasons I advise you to leave now rather than later). If you have children, that’s a whole different ball game.
 
I’ll agree with the other posters that said that there’s almost no way that your marriage is valid in the eyes of the Church. Affairs within the first year? A series of them? If you don’t have kids, that guy needs to go. And now. Like, immediately.
 
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