He decided to walk out

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yjenkins said:
This is very hard for me. Because there are trust issues, I’m find it very hard to move forward…Because he refuses to be transparent and wants me to take his word for everything, makes it even harder.
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I know you say he won’t attend counseling, but Retrouvaille isn’t just a weekend, there are 6 - 8 weeks of follow-up sessions, so it’s like a mini-counseling course. Just to let you know, it’s not as effective if at all if you don’t do the follow-ups. I think the only way you two are going to work it out is with some real counseling work, because of the trust issues. I can tell you that for me, it’s been very hard to trust my husband, my walls were very high. Lately, he has been willing to meet me halfway, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy. Considering that he doesn’t believe in any of the Church’s rules, he’s really given 100% which is impressive, so I can forgive him some of his other failings. But it’s a day to day thing. Of course it’s not all him - I have my own painful background which has left temporal consequences that interfere with trust as well.

I so wish you could do marital counseling with a good therapist.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I know you say he won’t attend counseling, but Retrouvaille isn’t just a weekend, there are 6 - 8 weeks of follow-up sessions, so it’s like a mini-counseling course. Just to let you know, it’s not as effective if at all if you don’t do the follow-ups. I think the only way you two are going to work it out is with some real counseling work, because of the trust issues. I can tell you that for me, it’s been very hard to trust my husband, my walls were very high. Lately, he has been willing to meet me halfway, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy. Considering that he doesn’t believe in any of the Church’s rules, he’s really given 100% which is impressive, so I can forgive him some of his other failings. But it’s a day to day thing. Of course it’s not all him - I have my own painful background which has left temporal consequences that interfere with trust as well.

I so wish you could do marital counseling with a good therapist.
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I’m glad you told me about the mini-counseling sessions. Thank you. I’m open to going to counseling with him to work on trust issues, in the end, I have to want to trust him and work on trusting him. I want to trust him, working on trust him is going to take WORK. Hard work. We could go to counseling, BUT I have to put in the work in trusting him. This, will be hard for me. At least your husband is willing to meet you half way. My husband on the other hand, wants to work things out however is not willing to be transparent. I told him ways he can reassure me, he refuses to meet my needs because he feels like I am controlling every aspect of his life. So, technically, he is there but not there.
 
yjenkins said:
I’m glad you told me about the mini-counseling sessions. Thank you. I’m open to going to counseling with him to work on trust issues, in the end, I have to want to trust him and work on trusting him. I want to trust him, working on trust him is going to take WORK. Hard work. We could go to counseling, BUT I have to put in the work in trusting him. This, will be hard for me. At least your husband is willing to meet you half way. My husband on the other hand, wants to work things out however is not willing to be transparent. I told him ways he can reassure me, he refuses to meet my needs because he feels like I am controlling every aspect of his life. So, technically, he is there but not there.
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Well, it is not really mini-counseling per se, but the commitment is like a limited set of therapy sessions. We have not done Retrouvaille because of that - my husband was traveling out of the country every 2 weeks for the last 2 years so he would not have been present for the follow-up sessions. Now, we could commit to doing it and I may present it as an option this year. Yes, you have to be willing to trust, but having a counselor means that he or she will help set up conditions so that you can build that trust back a little at a time. And if your husband chooses not to cooperate, it will be obvious that it’s his choice and his problem, and then you can move forward with your life.

My husband tries. He has a lot of impairments. As with your husband, he has a family history of divorce and he was very wounded by his parents’ relationship and an ongoing relationship with his father. I didn’t understand any of the ramifications of this since our society minimizes the impact of divorce. If I had understood it fully, I’m not sure I would have married him, but then again…I’m not perfect either. I have my own wounds to work on. Therapy has been helpful for me, and I have benefited greatly from my own therapy, regardless of what he chooses to do or not do.

I used to adapt completely to whatever my husband did, so he really had little idea that inside I was withering away from lack of intimacy. He still has no idea what emotional intimacy is, and maybe he never will. I have to accept that and learn to take care of my needs in other ways.
 
I am beyond frustrated. Now he tells me he does not want to go to Retrovive. Okay, fine, we will not go. Now he does not want to go to counseling, fine, we will not go. I respect his feelings. Here is the problem, WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO COMMUNICATE AND I FEEL THAT IT IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ALONG. He tells me he wants us to communicate and to get along. Okay, that’s great. HOW DO WE DO THIS??? When he told me he did not want to go to Retrovive, I brought up counseling, thinking he would be up for it, Not right now, however in the future. Well, he got annoyed and irritated when I brought it up AGAIN and his tone, his approach was not what I had hoped for. He gets very angry and frustrated about certain topics that I bring up. I do not do it on purpose. I learned, I will not bring up counseling anymore. Here is the point, the way he reacted towards me was hurtful. I tell him, I begin to cry. I told him that there are ways to approach and talk about things without getting this way. He says, “I’m not allowed to be frustrated or show emotions yet you are allowed to cry?” Seriously? I’m not saying he is not allowed to get frustrated or get angry, just do not do it towards me!!! He expects me to talk to him in a certain tone, I do, I expect the same. Last night, we had a discussion about having an understanding of each other. The convo went well and now everything went SOUTH. He wants to be positive about this whole process, he wants things to work out. SHOW ME!!! I am so emotionally drained. Stop bringing up the past, stop being negative. I feel like we were one step forward now I am 10 steps back. BLAH!!! We are going to continue to have this convo tomorrow. Oh yeah, he told me yesterday he did not have enough money for our children’s food yet he was on the phone with his co-worker and they were talking about going out to eat today. Why not spend time with your family that you supposedly want to work things out with.
 
yjenkins said:
I am beyond frustrated. Now he tells me he does not want to go to Retrovive. Okay, fine, we will not go. Now he does not want to go to counseling, fine, we will not go. I respect his feelings. Here is the problem, WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO COMMUNICATE AND I FEEL THAT IT IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ALONG. He tells me he wants us to communicate and to get along. Okay, that’s great. HOW DO WE DO THIS??? When he told me he did not want to go to Retrovive, I brought up counseling, thinking he would be up for it, Not right now, however in the future. Well, he got annoyed and irritated when I brought it up AGAIN and his tone, his approach was not what I had hoped for. He gets very angry and frustrated about certain topics that I bring up. I do not do it on purpose. I learned, I will not bring up counseling anymore. Here is the point, the way he reacted towards me was hurtful. I tell him, I begin to cry. I told him that there are ways to approach and talk about things without getting this way. He says, “I’m not allowed to be frustrated or show emotions yet you are allowed to cry?” Seriously? I’m not saying he is not allowed to get frustrated or get angry, just do not do it towards me!!! He expects me to talk to him in a certain tone, I do, I expect the same. Last night, we had a discussion about having an understanding of each other. The convo went well and now everything went SOUTH. He wants to be positive about this whole process, he wants things to work out. SHOW ME!!! I am so emotionally drained. Stop bringing up the past, stop being negative. I feel like we were one step forward now I am 10 steps back. BLAH!!! We are going to continue to have this convo tomorrow. Oh yeah, he told me yesterday he did not have enough money for our children’s food yet he was on the phone with his co-worker and they were talking about going out to eat today. Why not spend time with your family that you supposedly want to work things out with.
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It really sounds like a dead-end at this point. He is refusing Retrouvaile; he is refusing counseling. He says he wants to communicate and get along with you, but offers no tools in order to achieve that.

I can’t remember if I’ve already recommended this website to you or not. It is many people’s last-ditch attempt to save their marriage after their spouse has either cheated, walked out, or otherwise given up on life as a couple. The therapist is Jewish but the approach is secular, but bottom-line is that it WORKS. She wrote a book called “Divorce-Busting,” after she realized that the normal psychotherapy model of helping people divorce was NOT creating happiness. She now does everything she can to help couples stay together or get back together. It will be a challenge for you, I warn you. And you might decide not to try, since you are not sure you want to get back together with your husband. But give the website a read, anyway. Maybe something she says will inspire you. She knows that most people do the EXACT wrong thing when their spouse splits - like crying, begging, etc. and that if you do a lot of the OPPOSITE behavior, it creates a response in your spouse that you can then work with.

Divorce Busting

Other than that, I think it may be time to let the lawyers deal with a separation.

You’re in my prayers.
 
Tomorrow I will ask him what tools he has to offer to communicate and get along. At this point, I have head a dead end.
 
I guess when a door closes another door opens. As I was driving back home I saw a sign about a marriage retreat hosted by the military (we are military.) It is a non-religious retreat for married couples. I contact my husband and ask him how he feels about going to a retreat like this and he said he was fine attending. Looks like we are going to a marriage retreat to work on our marriage.
 
yjenkins said:
I guess when a door closes another door opens. As I was driving back home I saw a sign about a marriage retreat hosted by the military (we are military.) It is a non-religious retreat for married couples. I contact my husband and ask him how he feels about going to a retreat like this and he said he was fine attending. Looks like we are going to a marriage retreat to work on our marriage.
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That sounds good. I would also suggest asking him what his plan is for working on communication and that you would be interested in hearing his ideas. Also do you have friends outside of the marriage (not speaking of the male persuasion but just friends in general)
 
He came to my home this morning. We discussed forms of communication and how we could get along. The overall visit went well and was positive. He will be back tomorrow after my children and I get back from church.
 
Even though my husband and I are in the process of working on our marriage I am having trouble forgetting what he has done to me.
 
yjenkins said:
Even though my husband and I are in the process of working on our marriage I am having trouble forgetting what he has done to me.
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You won’t forget. It will have to be a conscious effort to forgive in spite of not forgetting.
 
I told him I do forgive him. I have forgiven. Maybe time will heal all the wounds? I have no idea…
 
yjenkins said:
Well…he called. He told me that if he allows himself to be transparent, it will be like handing over control to me and me controlling him. He also said that he is being stubborn about this whole situation. I guess the positive side about this is that he is willing to go to Retrovive. I have to say this, when we do talk, via phone or text, and the Convo does not go too well, it puts me on edge and I am an emotional roller coasted. In Away I feel that he is some sort of Debbie downer. He ruins my mood and my day.
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I have found that whenever one person is on an emotional roller coaster there is usually a third person involved, either on your side or spouses side. Prayers are with you. Please just think of your beautiful children and put them first for now.
 
There was a third person involved on his part however there isn’t anymore.
 
My issue right now is trust. The fact that I have put myself in a vulnerable position is hard for me.
 
Ugh is how I feel about my marriage and the process…I am LIVID!!! I am ANGRY and FRUSTRATED!!! My husband comes over, here I am thinking, oh, he’ll be here for awhile like he normally is. WRONG. He gets here, an hour later he tells me he has to leave because he has to get his haircut, get his stuff ready for work tomorrow and go to bed early because he has to wake up early. Okay, fine. I understand you have things you need to do, At least let me know before you even think about coming here that you will only be here for a short amount of time. I prefer he not come and TEASE my children and I with his presence then leave. Then he tells me that I need to work with the time he has available. Seriously? HOW IN THE WORLD ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MOVE FORWARD IN OUR MARRIAGE IF WE SPEND LESS THAN 20 HOURS A MONTH TOGETHER!!! How in the world are we ever going to get back together if we are only spending a small amount of time together. I kindly asked him to organize his time better, he agreed that he needs to. He tells me I should be more positive about us getting back together. I TRY!!! And then he does this… He also told me that I am never happy with what he gives me. AT THIS POINT, no, I am not. Why? Because I do not see how it is possible for us to even progress with all of this. BLAH!!!
 
I forgot to add, he tells me he is invested in our marriage and working on it. SHOW ME!!! Stop telling me!!! SHOW ME!!!
 
How much more of this are you willing to take? I feel bad for you.
 
I honestly do not know how much longer I can go on. He claims he is always right. He thinks that little time is better than no time at all. Talking to him is like talking to a wall. Should I give up? I have no idea…Ahhhhhhhh!!!
 
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