He doesnt want to get married in the Church

[bulletproofX3]

Recently, my boyfriend and I have been discussing the possibility of getting married. I am Catholic; he is non-denominational Christian. He has been supportive of me in my faith and has gone to church with me several times, and I have gone with him as well, however he makes it obvious that there are things about the Catholic Church that he is uncomfortable with. He dislikes all of the “rules” and the formality of the mass and does not understand why you must be Catholic to receive the Eucharist. At his church, people dance and sing and are much more enthusiastic about their praise than he sees at mass.

Anyway, I told him I always wanted to get married in my home church, because that is where my parents were married and where I grew up, etc. He was fine with all of that, until I told him that by being married in the Catholic Church, we would have to promise to raise our children Catholic as well.

This is the biggest issue here. I know we could get a dispensation and get married in a different church if he really insisted upon it, however the issue of how to raise the children in their faith still remains.

I know some of you may be thinking that if he truly loved me and truly wanted to be with me, he would be willing to do that for me, yet I cannot ask him to go against his faith either. This is a serious issue that has come up. I cant imagine life without him or finding another partner simply because we cannot agree on which religion to raise our children. I would be willing to compromise and take our children to both churches and allow them to choose which religion they would like to be a part of when they are older, however I would still like them to receive the sacraments.

I don’t believe that you have to be Catholic to go to heaven. I believe that if you find in your heart the faith that best suits you and that you feel is the best way for you to demonstrate your love of God and to do His will accordingly, then that is the religion you should be. For me, however, I feel that Catholicism is my answer.

Basically, I don’t know what to do. I feel that this issue is standing in the way of me getting my happily ever after…and yes, it is a big issue. However, I cannot choose who I fall in love with. He is a good man (despite his disinclination towards the Church). He has a good family and would make a wonderfully loving father someday. I’m just at a loss for how to handle this without giving up my faith completely.

Thank you all and sorry that this is so long!

 

[Carolinagirl411]

you are indeed in a tough situation. I’m not sure if I can offer any advice but I can empathize. My fiance refuses to get married in the church as well. He used to be Catholic and now hates it. He hasn’t stood in the way of my religion, he just doesn’t understand the necessity of getting married in the Church. Because of this our wedding has been postponed indefinitely. It will be tough but try not to let this come in between your love for one another. Pray constantly that he will come around. I wish you the best

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. My advice has always been to friends who face these issues…don’t ever put a man/woman above your faith. Ever. You will be very sad if you put your future husband above your faith.

While it’s not impossible to have a marriage that will work with people of differening faiths…don’t you want to be united in faith, with the man you love and marry? That’s the queston you have to ask yourself.

If you abandon your desire to marry in the Catholic Church, you are in essence putting your bf’s wishes over your faith. Maybe you’re okay with that, but I’d really think about this before marrying. Some people aren’t that devout, and don’t care about raising their kids in the Catholic Church…others are. But, it is harder to be a devout Catholic married to a non Catholic…It can work, but I want my marriage to do more than ‘work.’ I want to share everything, namely my faith, with my husband. You sound like you might want that, also.

I’d really meditate in prayer on all of this…That’s all. I just encourage you to think this all through. You’ll be in my prayers, too.

 

[1ke]

Anyway, I told him I always wanted to get married in my home church, because that is where my parents were married and where I grew up, etc. He was fine with all of that, until I told him that by being married in the Catholic Church, we would have to promise to raise our children Catholic as well.

It doesn’t matter where you get married, you are still obligated to raise your children as Catholics.

And, it is not a promise he makes. It is a promise YOU make.

however the issue of how to raise the children in their faith still remains.

Yes, and this issue will not go away.

simply because we cannot agree on which religion to raise our children.

Simply?

Is God the most important thing in your life or not? This is a question you have to ask yourself.

I would be willing to compromise and take our children to both churches and allow them to choose which religion they would like to be a part of when they are older, however I would still like them to receive the sacraments.

.
That is NOT an option for a Catholic.

Basically, I don’t know what to do. I feel that this issue is standing in the way of me getting my happily ever after…

If you think a mixed religion household is “happily ever after” you need to rethink your fairy tales.

Marriage is hard work, and if your faith is primary in your life then “happily ever after” might involve a spouse who shares that faith.

You do not know the people God will bring into your life if you allow him to.

However, I cannot choose who I fall in love with.

Uh, yes, you can.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I cant imagine life without him or finding another partner simply because we cannot agree on which religion to raise our children

This is no small question. Either your desire for a Catholic wedding is pure sentimentality about a building where your parents married and it’s all emotional ties, or Catholicism is important to your very core of your being.

You might want to imagine either life without him, or life without your religion, because in my experience one or the other will happen.

Now is the time to choose. Not when you are post-partum and it’s time to baptize a baby and he is angry and you are crying because you never realized until that point how important your faith really was to you and you wouldn’t be comfortable letting the baby decide for itself someday.

I learned the hard way that you shouldn’t marry someone if you are not on the same page, and hoping for happily ever after doesn’t make it so. He’s already told you your religion has too many rules for him. So which ones do you fight about next? The birth control ones? Your going to Sunday Mass alone? (Hard to feel like a family when you are alone at Church on Christmas.)

You have two painful choices in front of you. One of them leaves you open to the possibility that you might meet a Catholic man you can love and share your entire self with, body and soul. The other choice will lead to you having to cut out parts of yourself to fit your husband’s life.

Other women have written here about having to give up God to have a man. A man who makes you do that will eventually leave you with nothing.

No, you can’t choose who you fall in love with. But you can choose who you marry. And you don’t marry every man you fall in love with. There are other good men out there. This issue isn’t standing in your way of happily ever after. It’s standing in the way of happily ever after on your timetable NOW. There is a difference.

He might make a good father. Or he might not. And if you died, would you be comfortable with him choosing your children’s faith and would you feel comfortable with his family raising them?

That’s a question I wish I had asked myself before I put on an engagement ring.

Your BF confuses noise and activity with enthusiasm. He criticizes what he does not understand. If you disagreed on marital fidelity, would you use the word “simply” there? This IS a big issue, and a dealbreaker.

It’s why people date. It’s a learning experience. It helps you to realize why even dating someone of another faith can lead to problems. Because if you fall in love and want to be together, someone is going to have to make compromises that go to their very soul.

I don’t see many instances where conflicts like these end well, for what it’s worth. First you need to figure out how important your faith is to you before you can begin to talk about joining your soul to another’s. Once you answer that question, the other answers become very evident.

It has nothing to do with who is good or who is bad. It has to do with seeing the world differently. And that can be enough to turn happily ever after into heartbreak ever after.

 

[whatevergirl]

This is no small question. Either your desire for a Catholic wedding is pure sentimentality about a building where your parents married and it’s all emotional ties, or Catholicism is important to your very core of your being.

You might want to imagine either life without him, or life without your religion, because in my experience one or the other will happen.

Now is the time to choose. Not when you are post-partum and it’s time to baptize a baby and he is angry and you are crying because you never realized until that point how important your faith really was to you and you wouldn’t be comfortable letting the baby decide for itself someday.

I learned the hard way that you shouldn’t marry someone if you are not on the same page, and hoping for happily ever after doesn’t make it so. He’s already told you your religion has too many rules for him. So which ones do you fight about next? The birth control ones? Your going to Sunday Mass alone? (Hard to feel like a family when you are alone at Church on Christmas.)

You have two painful choices in front of you. One of them leaves you open to the possibility that you might meet a Catholic man you can love and share your entire self with, body and soul. The other choice will lead to you having to cut out parts of yourself to fit your husband’s life.

Other women have written here about having to give up God to have a man. A man who makes you do that will eventually leave you with nothing.

No, you can’t choose who you fall in love with. But you can choose who you marry. And you don’t marry every man you fall in love with. There are other good men out there. This issue isn’t standing in your way of happily ever after. It’s standing in the way of happily ever after on your timetable NOW. There is a difference.

He might make a good father. Or he might not. And if you died, would you be comfortable with him choosing your children’s faith and would you feel comfortable with his family raising them?

That’s a question I wish I had asked myself before I put on an engagement ring.

Your BF confuses noise and activity with enthusiasm. He criticizes what he does not understand. If you disagreed on marital fidelity, would you use the word “simply” there? This IS a big issue, and a dealbreaker.

It’s why people date. It’s a learning experience. It helps you to realize why even dating someone of another faith can lead to problems. Because if you fall in love and want to be together, someone is going to have to make compromises that go to their very soul.

I don’t see many instances where conflicts like these end well, for what it’s worth. First you need to figure out how important your faith is to you before you can begin to talk about joining your soul to another’s. Once you answer that question, the other answers become very evident.

It has nothing to do with who is good or who is bad. It has to do with seeing the world differently. And that can be enough to turn happily ever after into heartbreak ever after.

 

[choirmember]

If you see yourself feeling sad and lonely at mass in 10 years, and feeling like your spouse doesent understand you and fighting over how the kids are baptized, then by all means continue dating this man. If however you feel that your faith will continue to grow and you really want a Catholic family then this issue needs to be addressed well before you are both head over heals in love.
I am in a mixed marriage. It is tuff, really tuff, and spititually lonely. almost 10 years now. marriage is forever. think long and hard. is this really what your heart wants?

 

[agapewolf]

Read the catechism on Love. Love is a decision. It is not an accident (“falling”) nor a feeling.

It is a decision.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Don’t marry this man.
In fact, break up with him now.

Sorry to be harsh, but no man is worth sacrificing your immortal soul, or the immortal souls of your future children.

 

[Carolinagirl411]

Don’t marry this man.
In fact, break up with him now.

MUCH easier said than done! This is a HARD decision. I’ve known plenty of mixed marriages that have worked just fine. At least he is a Christian for goodness sakes! It isn’t doomed from the start! So I don’t think she needs to just break up this relationship. She isn’t risking her immortal soul by not being a Catholic. She isn’t going to give up Christ! You don’t go to hell just b/c you are a Protestant and that is what you are implying!!!

 

[SJG1759]

Picture yourself married to this man 10 years from now.

Picture yourself going to every Sunday and Holy Day Mass alone because he refuses to even go near a Catholic Church and your kids would rather go to his church because it’s more fun.

Picture yourself sitting a few rows behind some beautiful Catholic family, where mom, dad, and all the kids attend Mass together all the time and trying to bite back the jealousy.

Picture yourself feeling left out at church functions. Your husband won’t go, so you feel a little uncomfortable with all the married people, and you’re not single, so it’s hard sometimes to relate to the single people.

Heck, if you don’t have a Catholic wedding, picture not being able to take the Eucharist. Ever.

Yes, breaking up with this man will be hard.

Being married to him will be much, much harder.

No, marriage isn’t supposed to be easy, but why throw a boulder into an already rocky road?

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

MUCH easier said than done! This is a HARD decision. I’ve known plenty of mixed marriages that have worked just fine. At least he is a Christian for goodness sakes! It isn’t doomed from the start! So I don’t think she needs to just break up this relationship. She isn’t risking her immortal soul by not being a Catholic. She isn’t going to give up Christ! You don’t go to hell just b/c you are a Protestant and that is what you are implying!!!

But as a Catholic, these things are wrong for the OP, and indeed, they are sins, at the very least grave matter.

 

[Mintaka]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Before everybody starts predicting, let’s get to the point.

Are negotiations with the fiance finished, or not?

Everybody who gets married has to negotiate a lot of issues. Either they do it before the marriage (either informally or formally, as in marriage prep classes), or they do it afterward, for years and years. “What are we going to do about religion” and “what religion will we raise our kids” are just as worthy of attention as “what are we going to do about money” and “what are we going to do about work”. These are survival questions as well as matters of banal detail.

If you two want to live and to stay together, you two have to work out some answers. If you hit something non-negotiable, maybe you’d be better off separating before the wedding, instead of after. But most things are negotiable.

Finally, it’s not all your responsibility to bend and negotiate. If your fiance wants you, and if he thinks all this ritual is so empty of meaning, why isn’t he bending over such an unimportant thing? Don’t give up too soon. Marriage is about stick-to-it-iveness!

Talk to your pastor. You can take marriage prep classes with your fiance, and a lot of this sort of stuff gets covered and negotiated. So your pastor may be able to put things in a way that your fiance can understand and agree with.

Good luck!

Maureen

 

[PatienceAndLove]

MUCH easier said than done! This is a HARD decision. I’ve known plenty of mixed marriages that have worked just fine. At least he is a Christian for goodness sakes! It isn’t doomed from the start! So I don’t think she needs to just break up this relationship. She isn’t risking her immortal soul by not being a Catholic. She isn’t going to give up Christ! You don’t go to hell just b/c you are a Protestant and that is what you are implying!!!

The OP’s BOYFRIEND has stated that he doesn’t like the “rules”, he doesn’t want to raise the children Catholic, he doesn’t want to get married in the Church. This is already set up as a disaster.
The husbnd is the spiritual head of the family. The children will follow his example. Trust me, I am already dealing with that with my 4 year old and my husband.
“Why doesn’t Papa go to Church?”
“Because he is having an argument with Jesus”
“So he gets to stay home?”
“If he wants”
“I want to stay, too.”

Imagine: “Why do you and Daddy go to different Churches?”
“Because Daddy and I don’t believe in the same things”
or
“Daddy’s church is more fun, I like it better there. I don’t want to go to Mommy’s church anymore”
“Wow… Mommy’s Church doesn’t have singing and fun stuff, I don’t like going there”

It’s a long slippery road. And as we all know, the Catholic Church is the One True Faith and is the pillar of truth. Why compromise on something like that? To me (having me raised in a mixed marriage and currently in one), it’s not right. Not at all. DH has even said that I should divorce him and seek an annulment so I can marry a “nice Catholic boy”, but marriage is forever, so I am going to pray and pray and pray.

But for someone asking advice about whether or not to willingly walk into a marriage where one party has said no to raising the children Catholic and not marrying into the Church, I will give me advice. And that advice is to RUN!

And I would just like to note that this is a BOYFRIEND, not a fiance. Changes the whole dynamic. And even if it was a fiance, I’d give the same advice.

 

[Salonika]

bulletproofX3:

Recently, my boyfriend and I have been discussing the possibility of getting married. I am Catholic; he is non-denominational Christian. He has been supportive of me in my faith and has gone to church with me several times, and I have gone with him as well, however he makes it obvious that there are things about the Catholic Church that he is uncomfortable with. He dislikes all of the “rules” and the formality of the mass and does not understand why you must be Catholic to receive the Eucharist. At his church, people dance and sing and are much more enthusiastic about their praise than he sees at mass.

First a plus about what is a very difficult situation for you and your boyfriend - you are both talking about the situation openly and are being considerate of each others view. In some ways this makes the situation for both of you harder as if you both had total absolutes the situation would end in parting.

Anyway, I told him I always wanted to get married in my home church, because that is where my parents were married and where I grew up, etc. He was fine with all of that, until I told him that by being married in the Catholic Church, we would have to promise to raise our children Catholic as well.

Understand why your boyfriend has no problem marrying in your home church - you’re asking what brides have asked for centuries.

Also understand why your boyfriend has problems with promising to bring up any children as Catholic. It must seem arrogant and unnecessary to him.

Again you both deserve a pat on the back for discussing this.

Does he know of the Catholic ban on artifical contraception. If not he needs to do so.

I know some of you may be thinking that if he truly loved me and truly wanted to be with me, he would be willing to do that for me, yet I cannot ask him to go against his faith either. .

Yes, this is probably what some people are thinking (I’m not one of them) but you realise that you would be asking him to do something you could not agree to do.

I would be willing to compromise and take our children to both churches and allow them to choose which religion they would like to be a part of when they are older, however I would still like them to receive the sacraments. …

Unfortunately while your boyfriend can compromise in this way, the rules of the Catholic Church mean you can’t without serious consequences eg not receving the Eucharist.

Only you can say whether your conscience would allow you to do this. Also you need to think about how you might cope about how you would feel about your husband when you went to mass and couldn’t receive, not once or twice but never.

Basically, I don’t know what to do … I’m just at a loss for how to handle this without giving up my faith completely…

I hope the situation will be become clearer for you - and when you read our postings keep in mind they often tell you more about us and how we would/might handle the same situation than how you should/might.

Thank you all and sorry that this is so long!

No apology needed either for the posting or for its length.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Picture yourself married to this man 10 years from now.

Picture yourself going to every Sunday and Holy Day Mass alone because he refuses to even go near a Catholic Church and your kids would rather go to his church because it’s more fun.

Picture yourself sitting a few rows behind some beautiful Catholic family, where mom, dad, and all the kids attend Mass together all the time and trying to bite back the jealousy.

Picture yourself feeling left out at church functions. Your husband won’t go, so you feel a little uncomfortable with all the married people, and you’re not single, so it’s hard sometimes to relate to the single people.

Heck, if you don’t have a Catholic wedding, picture not being able to take the Eucharist. Ever.
Yes, breaking up with this man will be hard.

Being married to him will be much, much harder.

No, marriage isn’t supposed to be easy, but why throw a boulder into an already rocky road?

What she said. And, obviously, she has the experience to draw from. Listen to people who are in this situation. To people who are dealing with anti-Catholic spouses, children choosing other ecclesiastical communities over the One True Faith. Is that something you want on your soul?

 

[PatienceAndLove]

MUCH easier said than done! This is a HARD decision. I’ve known plenty of mixed marriages that have worked just fine. At least he is a Christian for goodness sakes! It isn’t doomed from the start! So I don’t think she needs to just break up this relationship. She isn’t risking her immortal soul by not being a Catholic. She isn’t going to give up Christ! You don’t go to hell just b/c you are a Protestant and that is what you are implying!!!

How is that what I am implying?
I am not in the position to judge someone, only God can do that.
However, God gave us His Church, His Bride to guide us. Why abandon the Bride of Christ for something else?

 

[Carolinagirl411]

How is that what I am implying?
I am not in the position to judge someone, only God can do that.
However, God gave us His Church, His Bride to guide us. Why abandon the Bride of Christ for something else?

You said and I quote : “Sorry to be harsh, but no man is worth sacrificing your immortal soul, or the immortal souls of your future children.”

How would she be sacrificing the souls of her children by letting them belong to a Christian community just b/c it isn’t Catholic. I don’t understand. I was protestant for 23 years. I enjoy the Catholic church and feel it is the original church but i’m not saying Protestants don’t believe in Christ or are risking their immortal souls just b/c they aren’t Catholic. Her only problem was that her boyfriend is a Christian but not Catholic. Not that he is some pagan or something where they really would be risking their souls.

 

[Grey007]

Don’t marry this man.
In fact, break up with him now.

Sorry to be harsh, but no man is worth sacrificing your immortal soul, or the immortal souls of your future children.

You must have a very miserable life.

My Fiancee is Catholic and I am no longer (Former Catholic), and I love her. According to you, she needs to break up with me? Love is all that matters, everything else is irrelevant. Religion is a personal matter, If two people love each other… so what? Who cares what church your partner goes to? Do everybody a favor and stop projecting your miserable life on other happy people.

Who are you to judge anybody, anyway? Some armchair prophet? Do yourself a favor and step away from the keyboard.

 

[Blade_and_Blood]

I don’t believe that you have to be Catholic to go to heaven. I believe that if you find in your heart the faith that best suits you and that you feel is the best way for you to demonstrate your love of God and to do His will accordingly, then that is the religion you should be. For me, however, I feel that Catholicism is my answer.

When it comes to the passage into Heaven, what’s a Catholic getting married in church any different than a non-Catholic?

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood