He fell to porn AGAIN!

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yessisan

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This is the 5th time I’ve caught it! Dh was here Tuesday when I went to my uncle’s memorial service, and last night, after I got home from the funeral Mass I got online. I was going to look for the bestsmilies website I have saved on my favorites and when I clicked on the star that brings the pages to my screen, I got the history screen and saw DH deleted the history. That darn tenant who lives here showed DH how to erase certain things on the history and of course, I called and asked him what he had erased. Of course I know more about computers than he does, so I searched the hidden files. Before I found anything on the computer he said “By accident I got a bad video of girls dancing so I deleted the page so you wouldn’t get upset or think I was watching porn”. :mad: :mad: Well, I tried to believe him, but he was so calm about it I knew there was something wrong with that. Usually when he hasn’t watched porn and I ask him about it he gets mad at me for doubting him. Well, this time, like the other times, he pretended he did nothing wrong :mad:

So, I searched and searched the computer’s files, and guess what??? There were a ton of hidden files that he deleted from the history, but if you know about computers, NOTHING gets erased permanently, it’s still on your hard drive. Well, there were pictues and pictures and more videos and what not!!!

I’m so upset! I feel so betrayed again. :crying: How am I supposed to trust him when he does this again? He thinks I’m stupid and won’t know when he does it. Do I look like I’m dumb? I know him and I know when he has done something wrong!

I don’t know what to do any more? After the loss of our baby and the incidents that followed a month after, and now this (again), I’m thinking of giving up. I don’t want to deal with him and his porn addiction or his bad behavior and trying to “fool” me any more!!!

I feel like I have failed as a woman and as a wife. I have no strength left in me for this. He sees it as though it was nothing, but to me it is another betrayal, to me it’s adultery. Even Jesus himself condemed lust and compared it to adultery… I seriously feel like he has cheated on me every time I find these things on my computer at home. :crying:
 
Big hugs. You have not failed. He has free will, and it seems he has used that free will to reject a Christ-like way of life.
 
I forgot to add something…

When he does this, it makes me feel like I’m not woman enough for him… I am sick and tired of trying to compete against the computer and porn.
 
yessisan said:
I feel like I have failed as a woman and as a wife.

Yessi, you have not failed at anything!!! I don’t know everything that has gone on but from what I do know, you are a strong woman and a good wife. It’s not your fault that he is falling and not wanting to help himself get back up.

I have no strength left in me for this.

No, you don’t. But God does. Turn to him with your emptiness and let Him fill you up with His love. You are always worthy of his love.

He sees it as though it was nothing, but to me it is another betrayal, to me it’s adultery. Even Jesus himself condemed lust and compared it to adultery… I seriously feel like he has cheated on me every time I find these things on my computer at home. :crying:
**
It IS a betrayal. You have every right to feel betrayed. I wish i had some words of wisdom and some great advice. But i don’t. I can offer you my prayers and a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. PM me if you want to.**
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(((((Yessi)))))

You haven’t failed. You’re trying your best to make your marriage work – he is the one who chose sin here. I don’t have any great advice other than for now, just focus on the next few days and your surgery and deal with the rest after. Praying for you. :hug1: :crossrc:
 
:hug1: :hug1: :hug1:

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with so much in your life right now, Yessi. From your upcoming surgery Monday to your uncle’s death, mom’s stroke, and now this. Gosh, I wish that you’d get a break once in a while…😦

Your husband doesn’t do porn because you’re not enough…you are more than enough, dear, and your DH will tell you that if you confront him. The reason he does it is because he’s addicted to it and the opportunity presented itself.

Since you’re so computer savvy (I’m most definitely not) is there a way you could put up a filter so he can’t use porn whenever you leave the house?

If I were you, I’d tell him you know he looked at more than he’s telling you because you found the files. Tell him you have a lot to deal with right now and you needed his support now more than ever. Install the filter and then try to find something relaxing to do so you don’t go crazy…I’d try not to have a big fight for right now, I don’t think I could handle a big fight too if I were in your shoes. :hug1: PM me if you want to talk too. :hug1:
 
Thank you Malia, Belle and kage_ar… you don’t even know how just your words and prayers help me.

You are right Belle, I should just try and focus on my surgery and geting better, but I had asked him to take me to the hospital and bring me home the day of. I told him yesterday I don’t want to see him and to forget about taking me or bringing me home. Now I have no one to take me. Maybe I’ll ask my grandpa, but I don’t know if he’ll be feeling up for it after what happened to his brother 😦 And my mom can’t take me now since she’s been off work since Thursday from her heart attack and needs to be back on Monday 😦
 
kevinsgirl said:
:hug1: :hug1: :hug1:

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with so much in your life right now, Yessi. From your upcoming surgery Monday to your uncle’s death, mom’s stroke, and now this. Gosh, I wish that you’d get a break once in a while…😦

Your husband doesn’t do porn because you’re not enough…you are more than enough, dear, and your DH will tell you that if you confront him. The reason he does it is because he’s addicted to it and the opportunity presented itself.

Since you’re so computer savvy (I’m most definitely not) is there a way you could put up a filter so he can’t use porn whenever you leave the house?

If I were you, I’d tell him you know he looked at more than he’s telling you because you found the files. Tell him you have a lot to deal with right now and you needed his support now more than ever. Install the filter and then try to find something relaxing to do so you don’t go crazy…I’d try not to have a big fight for right now, I don’t think I could handle a big fight too if I were in your shoes. :hug1: PM me if you want to talk too. :hug1:
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You’re so sweet kevinsgirl! You’ve been there for me from the time I lost my baby till now (actually, from before we conceived till now)! Thank you so much, you don’t know how much I value your friendship, even though it’s only an online one.

I did tell him I found all those things. I wrote him a letter and emailed it to him about how he makes me feel when I find these things and how I’m tired of trying to make it work when he doesn’t do his part.

I have been thru so much and sometimes I think my life is only going to be one bad thing after another non-stop.

I did put up a filter, so whenever I’m not on the computer and whenever I leave the house, I’m putting it on. It’s password protected so he won’t have access to those things. I’m tired of that. Heck, I would love to cancel the net but it’s my only way of having human contact and conversations with people who keep me sane (you guys!).

Thank you again for being there, and thanks to all the others too, you too have been there for me in the good and bad times!
 
I feel for you. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I can’t come up with anything fantastic. Just keep your head above water and keep your spirits as high as you can. porn can be a powerful addiction, perhaps you should look into a filter and monitoring software to prevent the behavior, then counseling in a few weeks to get to the root of the problem. Hope this helps.
 
yessisan said:
Thank you Malia, Belle and kage_ar… you don’t even know how just your words and prayers help me.

You are right Belle, I should just try and focus on my surgery and geting better, but I had asked him to take me to the hospital and bring me home the day of. I told him yesterday I don’t want to see him and to forget about taking me or bringing me home. Now I have no one to take me. Maybe I’ll ask my grandpa, but I don’t know if he’ll be feeling up for it after what happened to his brother 😦 And my mom can’t take me now since she’s been off work since Thursday from her heart attack and needs to be back on Monday 😦
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It sounds like you are having one really rough month. 😦 I’m with kevinsgirl, you sure deserve a break.

Especially remembering you and your husband in my prayers tonight :gopray:
 
Yessi, his looking at porn shouldn’t have anything to do with you. It’s his struggle. Does he want to stop or does he think it’s not really a big deal and just wants to hide it from you?
 
Sina said:
Yessi, his looking at porn shouldn’t have anything to do with you. It’s his struggle. Does he want to stop or does he think it’s not really a big deal and just wants to hide it from you?
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The 2nd time I found it and he admitted his addiction he said he really wanted to work at it, and I thought he hadn’t looked since the last time I found it, but now I don’t know. He hides many things from me (ie, letting people borrow money w/o running it by me first, drinking with his buddies when he supposedly only goes to pick up some tools at their houses for work when he actually smells like alcohol)… in retrouvaille they called that being a married “bachelor” (being marrid but leading his life as though he were single)…

I don’t know what he thinks any more.

Chovy, thanks for the prayers
 
yessisan said:
The 2nd time I found it and he admitted his addiction he said he really wanted to work at it, and I thought he hadn’t looked since the last time I found it, but now I don’t know. He hides many things from me (ie, letting people borrow money w/o running it by me first, drinking with his buddies when he supposedly only goes to pick up some tools at their houses for work when he actually smells like alcohol)… in retrouvaille they called that being a married “bachelor” (being marrid but leading his life as though he were single)…

I don’t know what he thinks any more.
Chovy, thanks for the prayers
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I am so sorry you are dealing with this disappointment. But let’s be honest, here. Your husband does not have an “addiction,” he has a pattern of bad and deceptive behaviour. Calling that an addiction is just another dodge, an excuse. You cannot put a filter on him 24/7. That needs to come from the inside. It’s called being accountable.

The problem is not with you or even that he is tempted, (we ALL are) it’s that he seems incapable of self-restraint or honesty. Until he is ready to take the initiative and gain some mastery and discipline over the things that are temptations to him, you are going to continue to be blind-sided by these little discoveries. Perhaps it’s time to honestly consider, BEFORE you find yourself possibly expecting again, whether this man has the capacity to be a reliable partner and father.
 
Island_Oak said:
I am so sorry you are dealing with this disappointment. But let’s be honest, here. Your husband does not have an “addiction,” he has a pattern of bad and deceptive behaviour. Calling that an addiction is just another dodge, an excuse. You cannot put a filter on him 24/7. That needs to come from the inside. It’s called being accountable.

The problem is not with you or even that he is tempted, (we ALL are) it’s that he seems incapable of self-restraint or honesty. Until he is ready to take the initiative and gain some mastery and discipline over the things that are temptations to him, you are going to continue to be blind-sided by these little discoveries. Perhaps it’s time to honestly consider, BEFORE you find yourself possibly expecting again, whether this man has the capacity to be a reliable partner and father.
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This is exactly what I was thinking. With this kind of behavior, do you really think it’s wise to keep trying SO hard to have another baby right now? l know it seems like a baby would ‘help’, but if he can’t control his behavior now, what’s going to happen when there’s a screaming baby around all the time? Yessi, you know we all love you as a sister in Christ and only want the best for you. I don’t want to hurt you by pointing this out, but I think it needs to be done. Can you say the same about him? Does he really want only the best for you? Or is he thinking only of himself? I know these are hard questions, and only you can answer them. But really REALLY think about how he will behave towards a baby, since he’s proved that he is capable of hitting you. 😦 You will definitely be in my prayers. :crossrc::hug1:
 
Yessisan, no advice, just hugs and prayers. I"m so sorry you’re going through this.:hug1: :console:
 
**I’m sure you’ve done a lot of thinking… do you want to stay married to this man? Can you see yourself living the rest of your life like this? Can you see him treating you like this in front of your children?

I am NOT advocating divorce or looking into a decree of nullity, but maybe a separation would be the kick in the pants he needs to realize that he can’t continue on this way having his cake and eating it too and would give you time to heal and just think.

I wish you lived closer to any of us, your CAF friends. We’d be lining up to help you right now! We’d have to fight over who gets to take you to the hospital. But please know that you are in my prayers and I really hope that your surgery goes well and that your life starts to feel good again. You need a break from all of this.**
 
Well, I guess a man’s perspective will come up at some point in time, so here goes.

I have struggled greatly in the past with this very same thing. I never loved my wife any less, nor did I ever feel she was a failure to me or my children. Men do not look at porn because their wife is failing them.

For many men, porn was a normal everyday type of thing for many years before entering into a marriage. Afterall, let’s not forget that porn is legal and readily available in our overly sexualized society. As a man who was not raised in a religious home, I never thought twice about viewing porn, nor did I ever feel I had an addiction. After finding God and becoming Catholic, the porn slowed down, but not completely. It’s very hard to erase a practice that was accepted as normal for so long.

What made me really decide to change was when I caught myself seeing my wife as more of an object than the beautiful gift from God that she really is. That along with having three daughters all of whom I would die for.

I went to confession often and found that I could stay “porn free” for longer periods of time. I can’t say that I don’t think about a little peek every now and then, but I just keep working at it. I surround myself with good Catholic men, and I stay very acticve in my parish.

I don’t know your husband’s particular story or his reasons for looking at porn, but I do know that the love and understanding of a good wife is paramount to him stopping. I have read some less than positive posts in this thread regarding him, and I don’t think that is the right place to go. Then again, I don’t know your history with this.

I would share your feelings with him, and I would encourage him to go to confession. I would also suggest you buy him “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” by Dr. Meg Meeker to read. Wether you have daughter’s or not, this book will make a man cringe, and many will re-think their need for porn in a hurry.

I hope that I haven’t said anything that offends or hurts, I just wanted to share a man’s perspective and my own story. You and your family are in my prayers.
 
I’m new to the forum so I hope i’m not interfering since it seems like you have such strong support and a long history with the people on this thread…

I just wanted to say that my heart is breaking for you and you are in my prayers. You have gone through such a trial this year it seems from what you have posted. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed with the negative things that happen to me, like I can never get a break, I remember that they are an opportunity for me to show God my faith in Him. Granted I am not always successful…but I try. The story of Job always confused me until I started going through rough times myself. Gratefully never the hard times he had to go through…

If I were in your shoes I probably would not be showing the patience and love and understanding you have shown thus far so I really admire you for that and you set a true example for others. Men who cheat and act like nothing is wrong really bothers me. Watching porn is not acceptable. Lying, hiding important things are similar to cheating since marriage is based on trust, respect, love, charity, etc. Marriage counseling would be my recommendation or just counseling for yourself to figure out how to deal with all that you’ve been through. If counseling is too pricey a priest’s services are always free!!😃

St. Monica would be a wonderful person to ask for intercession to bring your husband back into the fold

sorry for the lengthy post and I send my love in Christ
 
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