He fell to porn AGAIN!

  • Thread starter Thread starter yessisan
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Thank you all for your posts. Just to make one thing clear… We are NOT trying to conceive a baby, especially after what he did to me back in early February (I really don’t want to repeat what he did, sorry).

We don’t even live together right now. I had a slip up the day of our anniversary. I don’t want to bring children to the world and have a father who hits their mommy or worse, hit them.

I really don’t know how to handle this any more, but I really appreciate what all of you have said. Rich, thank you very much for giving me the male perspective. It helps a lot, you don’t even know.

The thing w/DH is that he was introduced to porn in middle school (at 13 - in 7th or 8th grade), and 2 yrs ago at the age of 23 he admitted he had this problem. And I do call it an addiction since he would even miss work before we married just so he’d be able to look at videos and pictures online.

Plus, he’s not Catholic (well, he was born and raised up to the age of 7-8 as a Catholic) and then his mom converted to JWism and took him along with her so he’s an inactive baptized JW.

He won’t seek help for his since he’s embarrassed, or at least that’s what he told me in August 2006 when I found it the 2nd time.

I don’t want to turn my back to him but he has done it too many times and it hurts me too much every time. When I am finally beginning to trust him again, it all goes down the drain because of porn.
 
Carolinagirl411 said:
I’m new to the forum so I hope i’m not interfering since it seems like you have such strong support and a long history with the people on this thread…

I just wanted to say that my heart is breaking for you and you are in my prayers. You have gone through such a trial this year it seems from what you have posted. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed with the negative things that happen to me, like I can never get a break, I remember that they are an opportunity for me to show God my faith in Him. Granted I am not always successful…but I try. The story of Job always confused me until I started going through rough times myself. Gratefully never the hard times he had to go through…

If I were in your shoes I probably would not be showing the patience and love and understanding you have shown thus far so I really admire you for that and you set a true example for others. Men who cheat and act like nothing is wrong really bothers me. Watching porn is not acceptable. Lying, hiding important things are similar to cheating since marriage is based on trust, respect, love, charity, etc. Marriage counseling would be my recommendation or just counseling for yourself to figure out how to deal with all that you’ve been through. If counseling is too pricey a priest’s services are always free!!😃

St. Monica would be a wonderful person to ask for intercession to bring your husband back into the fold

sorry for the lengthy post and I send my love in Christ
Click to expand...
Thank you very much for this post! We have tried retrouvaille but he’s not willing to go thru it again. We were invited to go again by one of the leading couples but he refuses to go. Counseling is the same thing for him for this…

But the one thing I do have is that I do pray to St. Monica for his conversion to the CC, so now I guess I’ll add this to the list. BTW, thank you for mentioning Job… I sure feel like Job but sometimes I just want to give up on it all.
 
Yessi, I am so sorry that he has betrayed you again. However, as a person who was exposed to and got caught up in the porn “is normal” lifestyle in college, I can say that it is possible for someone to reform. I have, thanks to the grace of our Lord, and so I believe that anyone can. (Although even I slip up from time to time—God’s mercy is so amazing to those of us who seek it!)
I’m not saying you should be upset, I just want you to know that it is possible to have a holy, sacramental marriage if someone kicks the habit “for good” and seeks spiritual couseling.
The key is honesty. The addict has to be honest with his/her spouse about when he/she slips up (or is even tempted to) and the spouse has to be supportive (meaning helpful) and reinforce why their marital love is so much more acceptable and beautiful to God than the temporary pleasure that the addict gets. So I would invite him to tell you why he does this and what you can do to help him. If he cooperates and does admit when he fails again, then you should forgive him and pray together. That is what works for my husband and I (we are both guilty of “selfish lust” KWIM?).
You are NOT doing anything wrong and if your husband refuses to change, then you should discontinue the relationship (because of the other betrayals/abuses he has put you through). But I want you to know that this does not have to stand in the way of a holy marriage.
(BTW, this was very hard for me to share, but I want you and all other people in a similar situation to have hope!:o)
Jess
 
Oh, Yessi! 😦 I don’t have any advice but plenty of hugs and prayers. :hug1:
 
JessHav said:
Yessi, I am so sorry that he has betrayed you again. However, as a person who was exposed to and got caught up in the porn “is normal” lifestyle in college, I can say that it is possible for someone to reform. I have, thanks to the grace of our Lord, and so I believe that anyone can. (Although even I slip up from time to time—God’s mercy is so amazing to those of us who seek it!)
I’m not saying you should be upset, I just want you to know that it is possible to have a holy, sacramental marriage if someone kicks the habit “for good” and seeks spiritual couseling.
The key is honesty. The addict has to be honest with his/her spouse about when he/she slips up (or is even tempted to) and the spouse has to be supportive (meaning helpful) and reinforce why their marital love is so much more acceptable and beautiful to God than the temporary pleasure that the addict gets. So I would invite him to tell you why he does this and what you can do to help him. If he cooperates and does admit when he fails again, then you should forgive him and pray together. That is what works for my husband and I (we are both guilty of “selfish lust” KWIM?).
You are NOT doing anything wrong and if your husband refuses to change, then you should discontinue the relationship (because of the other betrayals/abuses he has put you through). But I want you to know that this does not have to stand in the way of a holy marriage.
(BTW, this was very hard for me to share, but I want you and all other people in a similar situation to have hope!:o)
Jess
Click to expand...
Jess, thank you very much for sharing this with me. Maybe what you adn your DH do could help us. I just don’t know if he’d tell me when he slips or when he’s tempted. I can give it a try.

I think you just solved my problem Jess. Thank you so much for writing this!!!

Mylo, thanks for the hugs and prayers.
 
No advice here, but definitely continuing to pray for you and for your DH, yessian!
 
I don’t want to bring children to the world and have a father who hits their mommy or worse, hit them.
Click to expand...
Are you saying he hits you? I’m a little confused. :confused: One of my pet peeves is a spouse being unfaithful particularly the husband. You also say its the 5th time. This is torture to you. I don’t think any1 deserves to be brought through that cycle. I understand every1 makes mistakes in life but making such a grave mistake like that 5 times is not good. I pray for you and a final conversion of your husbands heart.
 
So sorry Yessi! I really have no advice as I don’t know much about porn addictions but I will be praying for you and DH!

Also, you are not a failure! Do not blame yourself for that! He messed up on account of his own free will, you had nothing to do with his sins. It is adultery every time he looks at it b/c it says in the bible that if a man even looks at a woman lustfully he commits adultery in his heart. Hopefully, the filter you put up will help a bit.

Prayers and hugs for you Yessi! :console:

p.s. I know you’ll do great on monday with your surgery…try to concentrate on getting some R&R before then. You’ll do great! 👍
 
I know you probably don’t want to hear what I have to say here, but Yessi, I have walked in your shoes. The problem with porn is not the problem in your marriage. If it was the only thing you were facing, well, it might be a whole lot more hopeful.

Just what you have is a whole lot of very serious, very fatal to a marriage sort of problems, that in a way are all inter-related. The porn habit, his cruel attitude following the loss of your baby, his abuse…I don’t know I think they are all the part of the same whole that has to do with not being open to children, wanting to isolate the pleasure of sex from its procreative reality, the objectification of you and all women, and a desire to be the one in control. It’s all about him and his own selfishness. That why lying to you and hurting you doesn’t bother him one iota.

It took a lot of years for him to get this way. If he were to change, it would have to be such a drastic change, that to him would be more like the death of self. This is why people who are abusers don’t change. Even the Church has had to come to grips with this…that you can’t keep giving the abusers all of this free forgiveness and chances. The price to the innocent is just too high.

And Yessi, love is sacrificial. It is other-centered. Honestly, it is Christ dying on the cross for us. Do you see that in the way that your husband loves you? Do you think what he feels for you is love, or is it something more self-centered? And here is the hard truth I finally had to face…did I really love that man I thought was my husband? Did I love him for who he really was or did I love the person that I hoped that he could be? I still feel pity for him, but I realize that any love that I have for him is just the kind of love that I might have for anyone, that I love him because God loves him. I just don’t love him like a wife should love a husband, because he never was a husband for me. The right intention was just never there.

For me, finding how deep into porn my ex was, well, I found out about that only after I had already mentally made the decision to leave. I consider finding out about that a real gift, because it took away a lot of the guilt and doubt that I had.

You are an incredibly strong woman Yessi. You have stood up to your husband way more than I ever did to mine. I have a lot of confidence in you, and I pray that you find some peace, happiness, and real love some day soon.
 
Yessian, do not in any way think this has anything to do with you or how attractive you are to your husband. It is not about that. I know it is hard to not take it personally, but seriously, it is something they do not think comes into the equation when they think of their marriage. i know they should, but this is how they seem to view it.(This is my understanding about it after long conversations with men about it)
But one thing I will advise you now, is to set up boundaries. Your husband is not really scared of losing you as you love him and he knows it. But I have learnt lately that tough love and boundaries work.
You are very vulnerable at the moment and you have gone through so much but now you need to get tough (like many people on here have told me!)
It works. You need to be gentle, loving but very assertive about what you want and what you will and will not put up with. If he is serious then he will get help. Find out names of places that deal with this kind of addiction and give them to him. If he refuses help then you decide your plan of action then. Do not have any contact unless it is to discuss his therapy.
Get tough, NO dates, NO relations. Nothing that resembles a marriage until he is man enough to ACT married.
You need to make him WANT to do what is right. Take away all his privileges. Make him suffer a bit. He seems to have it easy at the moment. You when he wants you and he can put you aside when he feels like it. The best of both worlds.
Make it HARD for him, not easy.
Make him WORK for you. if he is not willing, then you will know what to do then.
I will pray for you Yessian, at Adoration tonight.
Your husband and mine, they need so much help. They are so destructive.
 
Sweetie! Just wanted to add- He doesn’t know how fortunate he is!!!:console:

In addition to a filter, install a “sticky key” program that picks up his keystrokes and history, and he can’t erase it (he won’t even know it’s on there).

When is the tenant moving out? He’s not helpful in this situation.
 
This may not be the place to ask this, but the thread has relevance to my marriage. Yessian said history cannot be completely erased, and I’m wondering if it’s too involved to explain to me how to check a computer? My dh is always “defragmenting” our laptop. I have no idea what that means and if it could have anything to do with erasing porn?
I read alot here, but don’t get to respond much, but the pit of my stomach is churning for you, Yessian.
A dear friend (who is very devout) is finally getting divorced after 15 years of abuse. She spent so many years confessing what she thought were her own failings in the marriage. Finally, one priest told her that she should pray to St. Thomas Becket for the courage to stand fast and say, “no more”.
Will maintaining the status quo help your dh on the path to heaven, or does he have all of the earthly comforts that cause him to not bother seeking God’s Will?
 
exiled said:
My dh is always “defragmenting” our laptop. I have no idea what that means and if it could have anything to do with erasing porn?
Click to expand...
Defragmenting the hard drive is when you tell the computer to rearrange where the various bits of memory are stored in order to make larger blocks of space for new files. That way (I think) the computer doesn’t have to think so much to look for pieces of a file that have been saved here and there. Kind of like rearranging the cupboards so that all the cans are stacked neatly instead of taking up a lot of space unstacked.

I don’t think there would be any connection between downloading, watching, and erasing porn and the deframentation of a hard drive.
 
Just_wondering said:
Defragmenting the hard drive is when you tell the computer to rearrange where the various bits of memory are stored in order to make larger blocks of space for new files. That way (I think) the computer doesn’t have to think so much to look for pieces of a file that have been saved here and there. Kind of like rearranging the cupboards so that all the cans are stacked neatly instead of taking up a lot of space unstacked.

I don’t think there would be any connection between downloading, watching, and erasing porn and the deframentation of a hard drive.
Click to expand...
You have no idea how relieved I am. Thank you so much for this bit of info.
I’m still interested in learning how to check history. We’ve had a few incidents that I caught, and while that was a long time ago, I am still haunted and often wonder if it’s there, but that he’s just erasing it.
 
I’m sorry to be the dissenter, but I must repeat, the key is honesty and allowing the addict to feel comfortable admitting that they have messed up and can be forgiven.
All the computer software in the world isn’t going to make him/her stop, it will only cause them not to trust you b/c you obviously don’t trust him/her.
Sneaking around to see if he/she is sneaking around is a vicious cycle and hurts your marital bond tremendously.
Ask the person honestly if they are doing it, why they are doing it and what you/your priest can do to help them overcome it. Bring up catechetical evidence about how masturbation is a mortal sin and how you don’t want them to suffer for eternity b/c of temporary pleasure. Invite them to make love more often and then praise how great it makes you feel to *share *that pleasure together and how great he/she makes you feel. Even if that doesn’t work, you are doing your duty as a wife/husband and inviting/encouraging your spouse to drop the habit and pick up a healthy appreciation for marital love instead of self love.
I’m not saying that it is your fault that the person is addicted to porn, only that you can help him/her overcome it, and, as a spouse, it is your duty to do what you can, if he/she is cooperative.

However, yessi, I think your situation is unique and this is just a symptom of a greater underlying problem (his unwillingness to cooperate and be self-giving) and perhaps you should consider ending this toxic relationship once and for all. Have you talked to a priest about it? (Sorry if you mentioned that and I missed it?)

Praying and hoping that things will work out according to God’s perfect will!
 
Yessi, you’re in my prayers. I’m so sorry you are going through so much.

Please, please really examine what it means to be in a valid marriage. If your marriage is valid, by all means, move heaven and earth to work this out. If it is invalid either get it valid or get out of it!

A valid marriage is a Covenant. It cannot be broken.

An invalid marriage is a civil contract. Has he broken the contract?

Offering up my illness aches for you today. :console:
 
OK, more perspective from a man.

Like it or not, pornography is an addiction. I know some folks believe that stating it is an addiction is a “cop out”. Whether true or not, the fact is your husband is addicted, or in the habit of indulging in this sin. Disease or not, he can’t stop alone at this point. He’s not doing this because you have failed him, or because you aren’t good enough. He’s doing it now because he has done it for a long time, enjoys the thrill of “sneaking” and can’t stop.

I couldn’t tell from your other posts, but if he is physically harming you, get out. But, if he’s not, remember your vows to love, honor and cherish in good times and BAD, SICKNESS and health. To love someone, you desire heaven for them. So, if you don’t help him fight this sin, who will?

Think about when he falls to the temptation. It’s happening on the home computer. In the same way you wouldn’t leave an alcoholic home alone with booze, or a thief in your home while you run an errand, you and he need to find a way that he’s not on the computer when you’re not with him. I imagine he wouldn’t look at porn while sitting next to you, we hope…:eek:

He needs to know you love him, and hate the sin. It sounds like you are upset, which you should be. But it also sounds like you are confronting him in a non-supportive way. He needs to know you are upset because you love him, and desire heaven for him. But if you aren’t willing to help him fight it in more ways than merely blocking and tracking his internet access, he won’t feel supported.

To truly “overcome” his sin, he needs to be able to see the situation and temptation, and choose to do right. Blocking his access merely keeps him out of the situation, so as soon as he is exposed again, he’ll fall. Be with him when he’s online. Let him know that you love him, and talk to him about why he spends his time viewing porn. He’ll open up and ask for help if he knows you are willing. But, if he thinks you are only going to yell at him and treat him like a child, he’ll continue to act as one.

It isn’t going to be easy for either of you. You will need to choose to help him so he can choose to help improve your relationship. While it’s his sin, since marriage has joined you as one, it’s a shared problem to overcome. To throw up your hands and leave him to deal with it without you is as much a betrayal as his viewing of pornography. What are you willing to do to help him?
 
exiled said:
This may not be the place to ask this, but the thread has relevance to my marriage. Yessian said history cannot be completely erased, and I’m wondering if it’s too involved to explain to me how to check a computer? My dh is always “defragmenting” our laptop. I have no idea what that means and if it could have anything to do with erasing porn?
I read alot here, but don’t get to respond much, but the pit of my stomach is churning for you, Yessian.
A dear friend (who is very devout) is finally getting divorced after 15 years of abuse. She spent so many years confessing what she thought were her own failings in the marriage. Finally, one priest told her that she should pray to St. Thomas Becket for the courage to stand fast and say, “no more”.
Will maintaining the status quo help your dh on the path to heaven, or does he have all of the earthly comforts that cause him to not bother seeking God’s Will?
Click to expand...
It isn’t hard to check the sites that have been viewed, even if the history has been deleted. I had to do this when my son was looking at sites he shouldn’t have been looking at.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top