He Is Using Pornography Again

[ElleDub]

I logged on in despair, searching through my old thread for advice. It surprised me to see it has only been a year.

I feel like the biggest fool.

What next? I don’t know. He makes empty promises and seems to react to everything in a panic to make us “happy” again. I have finally grown tired of the cycle.

This time, he is blaming stress. He also blames lack of sex. Since he isn’t ready for another baby, we are TTA. We’ve gotten pregnant with Creighton before, so he doesn’t trust natural methods. He insists on condoms and the priest told me to bear it for the sake of our marriage. I have, and see where it has gotten me? Four months later, I find out that porn is a regular thing for him again.

Twice this week, since i found out, I have committed sin by doing “unnatural” acts so he isn’t tempted. I am humiliated and angry that I tried to give him “what he wants” against my conscience. He is Catholic too but lies to himself by saying whatever happens between married people is ok. I don’t believe that but I tried to. Now I have cut myself off from the Eucharist as a result. I just hate this.

I have been going to Mass by myself with the kids for months. He said he is struggling with faith over the issue that sex must always be open to life and not using a barrier or any other “unnatural” finish.

I am so upset and angry. I have tried everything to help him, and he always says exactly what I want to hear (he may even be sincere) but never follows through. This has been our cycle for so long I have lost faith that it will get better.

The only reason I don’t want a temporary (or maybe longer) separation is for the kids.

Help me… I am so lost! Please pray for us.

 

[Tablefor9]

Praying for your peace.

Does he realize a separation is a possibility in your mind, that his acts equate adultery for you? That knowledge may be the wakeup call he needs.

It would seem many men lie to themselves about how damaging their use of porn is to their wives, making believe it doesn’t hurt anyone but themselves.
Hail Mary, full of grace, blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death. Amen.
+

 

[merne9]

O my goodness the similarities! Your marriage mirrors what my marriage was a few years ago. Do not separate over this.
Do you think he might be addicted to porn? I’m asking because I believe my husband was addicted to pornography. He was addicted to smoking and drinking and porn and lying.
One by one we have tackled these addictions.
I think if he is sincere and tells you he wants to stop or that he will stop you have to change how you view this problem. It is no longer his problem both of you need to be in the same team to beat the pornography. It really wore me out to think it was me vs him. But explain to your husband that you will not give up. The hold porn has on your husband is not stronger than your marriage.
I went through the same thing trying to please my husband. Like you said it wasn’t enough. My husband would say two things that infuriated me 1. It’s not about you. 2. I’m a very visual person. Ugh just remembering!
Instead of me going through the motions on my own I brought him down with me. I’m not a verbally abusive person or confrontational. I like to talk about things not fight. But once I realized crying and being soft spoken didn’t get me anywhere I just let the anger out.
It might not be appropriate for others but I would go crazy on him! Maybe he just realized it’s not worth the fighting.
If you want to message me I will tell you what I think worked (baby steps) I don’t wanna post it

 

[bisco]

prayer and therapy. this is a problem that he would like to solve, but is too weak. only the Holy Spirit can help. this is not something that he will be able to overcome easily or permanently. it is a sin like any other sin. it can be habitual and extremely powerful. try to love him and overlook it as much as possible. i know it hurts, that’s where prayer and therapy will hopefully help. don’t give up! your marriage is more important to God than anything else. even if it takes a lifetime, if he can someday overcome it, the angels in heaven will be overjoyed. as difficult as it is, your roll is to help him in any way you can. i will pray for you, God bless!

 

[runningdude]

I logged on in despair, searching through my old thread for advice. It surprised me to see it has only been a year.

I feel like the biggest fool.

What next? I don’t know. He makes empty promises and seems to react to everything in a panic to make us “happy” again. I have finally grown tired of the cycle.

This time, he is blaming stress. He also blames lack of sex. Since he isn’t ready for another baby, we are TTA. We’ve gotten pregnant with Creighton before, so he doesn’t trust natural methods. He insists on condoms and the priest told me to bear it for the sake of our marriage. I have, and see where it has gotten me? Four months later, I find out that porn is a regular thing for him again.

Twice this week, since i found out, I have committed sin by doing “unnatural” acts so he isn’t tempted. I am humiliated and angry that I tried to give him “what he wants” against my conscience. He is Catholic too but lies to himself by saying whatever happens between married people is ok. I don’t believe that but I tried to. Now I have cut myself off from the Eucharist as a result. I just hate this.

I have been going to Mass by myself with the kids for months. He said he is struggling with faith over the issue that sex must always be open to life and not using a barrier or any other “unnatural” finish.

I am so upset and angry. I have tried everything to help him, and he always says exactly what I want to hear (he may even be sincere) but never follows through. This has been our cycle for so long I have lost faith that it will get better.

The only reason I don’t want a temporary (or maybe longer) separation is for the kids.

Help me… I am so lost! Please pray for us.

First, you should NOT cut yourself off from the Eucharist! Contraception is his sin, not yours! (Please see Father Serpa’s answer here: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=12020258#post12020258)

Second, you cannot expect him to change.

…

The result then is that you must learn to let go of this. This is his problem. He faces the consequences. It is his responsibility to learn how to manage this problem. It is his responsibility to learn the reason’s contraceptives are immoral. It is his responsibility to follow through.

Don’t set your self up for further disappointment; don’t force him to make empty promises (as guy myself, I will attest that these will eat him alive knowing that he is going to fail to hold them up). The motivation to change must be his own.

Require him to use a private computer, be open to talk if he wishes, but don’t force it. Find an alternative support system for yourself; a counselor, perhaps.

Use monitoring software to protect your kids from pornography. Talk to your children early, at an age appropriate level, about sexuality and the internet. Be specific about your expectations. Help them proactively keep from falling into replacing authentic relationships with the false promises of internet sexuality.

 

[Seraphignatius]

feedtherightwolf.org/
This site has information for those having trouble dealing with pornography; it also has practical steps he can use to overcome his habit. I believe your husband is sincere, but pornography is literally addictive.

 

[SuperLuigi]

He needs to get serious about this, pray the rosary and start attending Daily Mass.

I find the notion of “stress” as an unacceptable excuse to continue this behavior.

 

[Tmay1]

Coming from a non-christian let along catholic background i was exposed to pornography very young Via the internet it was first a downloaded photograph, then a video and before i knew it i had entire hidden collection on the home computer that my parents knew nothing of… For me porn- completely destroyed my idea of what love and sex was supposed to be and even to this day even though ive kicked the habit i still have temptations and when i do i instantly pray… and it helps tremendously.

Only thing i can add to this discussion is to me it sounds like he is having underlying issues with the faith and i believe if he becomes renewed in the faith everything else will over time fall into place, and As far as doing things in bed that are against your conscience dont do it… no matter what you do in bed the physical will only satisfy for the moment and then it wears off and he will be needing more things and it will eventually escalate from there. The only satisfaction he will ever find is when he renews himself with god and finds the meaning of the marital bond again because lustful sex will never equate or fully satisfy.

Hope this helps in some way.

 

[Cackles]

He also blames lack of sex. Since he isn’t ready for another baby

When people follow false doctrines, curses happen.

He insists on condoms and the priest told me to bear it for the sake of our marriage.

Condoms break and are unreliable. Anyone who actually uses them will tell you this. Why not just do it when your not ovulating? It’s almost impossible to get pregnant.

I have, and see where it has gotten me?

When you follow false theology, you step away from the will of God and you’ll suffer the consequences.

Four months later, I find out that porn is a regular thing for him again.

But do you see how false rules and mans doctrines are causing these chains of effects?

This is what happens when someone follows unsound theology and rules of man.

Twice this week, since i found out, I have committed sin by doing “unnatural” acts so he isn’t tempted.

Oh here we go. How are you so sure it’s a sin? If this involves ‘A’, then it’s a sin and don’t do it anymore at all. Look at what it did to Jody Arias; two normal people corrupted by that one act. I really hope your not doing sodomy involving ‘A’. That is a sin and huge curses can come out of that for life. It’s all he’ll want.

If it’s the ‘other’ thing I’m thinking of, then that’s not a sin by a long shot (when married). God made us to easily be able to do the other act as a second option for when the woman is not able to have relations. God makes pieces fit for a reason. Some things don’t fit and are unnatural as the Bible mentions in several places.

He is Catholic too but lies to himself by saying whatever happens between married people is ok.

Everything is OK in my opinion except for ‘A’ and any pornography that involves ‘A’. I used to say sodomy, but people are confused of the meaning. Condoms are too risky IMO. Don’t even think of birth control those pills are evil and can kill you and I’m not joking.

Now I have cut myself off from the Eucharist as a result. I just hate this.

Creating problems where there are none. Such avoidable things. But, this is the proof of false doctrine.

I have been going to Mass by myself with the kids for months. He said he is struggling with faith over the issue that sex must always be open to life and not using a barrier or any other “unnatural” finish.

I know it’s not funny but wow it’s so avoidable…

The only reason I don’t want a temporary (or maybe longer) separation is for the kids.

Like…

I’ve been on the forums for a long time. I’ve seen all kinds of posts. I’ve never seen one quite like this. It’s just simply amazing. I have no idea where this theology comes from, maybe it was St. Augustine who came from a Gnostic cult and had sex issues and false doctrines. These were REJECTED in the beginning of the church until the reformation happened and Martin Luther (another one with sex issues) took on St. Augustine’s teachings. Take a look if you don’t believe me.

Watch this video about St. Augustine and sex. Catholics seriously need to correct this theological error on their part. I think that the English speaking Catholic works might be too far attatched from Europe? I’m not sure where the disconnect is. Maybe this video will make you feel better. Show your husband this video

For those who want a deeper look into the corruption of Augustinian theology. Link

St. Augustine even said that the prostitution was necessary in society.

 

[bmaj]

I logged on in despair, searching through my old thread for advice. It surprised me to see it has only been a year.

I feel like the biggest fool.

What next? I don’t know. He makes empty promises and seems to react to everything in a panic to make us “happy” again. I have finally grown tired of the cycle.

This time, he is blaming stress. He also blames lack of sex. Since he isn’t ready for another baby, we are TTA. We’ve gotten pregnant with Creighton before, so he doesn’t trust natural methods. He insists on condoms and the priest told me to bear it for the sake of our marriage. I have, and see where it has gotten me? Four months later, I find out that porn is a regular thing for him again.

Twice this week, since i found out, I have committed sin by doing “unnatural” acts so he isn’t tempted. I am humiliated and angry that I tried to give him “what he wants” against my conscience. He is Catholic too but lies to himself by saying whatever happens between married people is ok. I don’t believe that but I tried to. Now I have cut myself off from the Eucharist as a result. I just hate this.

I have been going to Mass by myself with the kids for months. He said he is struggling with faith over the issue that sex must always be open to life and not using a barrier or any other “unnatural” finish.

I am so upset and angry. I have tried everything to help him, and he always says exactly what I want to hear (he may even be sincere) but never follows through. This has been our cycle for so long I have lost faith that it will get better.

The only reason I don’t want a temporary (or maybe longer) separation is for the kids.

Help me… I am so lost! Please pray for us.

I would highly recommend speaking to a Priest again - either both of you or just you if your husband won’t. Also possibly a Catholic/Christian counselor either together or alone. You and/or any other women reading this may also may wish to join the support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” (see top toolbar). It deals specifically with this very difficult issue. And please be aware that the poster by the name of “Cackles” is not Catholic and often appears to give some very inappropriate, non-Catholic, advice - especially to women seeking help in their marriages.
Please know that you are in my prayers for strength through all of this.

 

[CaneCaldo]

ElleDub

I want to encourage you. If what you have said is true, then you are doing the right thing! Your husband is blessed to have a wife that submits to him, and you are blessed to have a priest who have given you such good and freeing counsel; that he upheld both our Lord’s command to submit to our authorities, and also held you blameless for your husband’s sins.

Talk to your priest again, but I think you unnecessarily punish yourself to abstain from the Eucharist. If you sin, confess it, and accept the forgiveness that is extended to all of us.

Have patience with your husband, and continue to respond to him with kindness. Do not listen to those who urge you to sin and usurp your husband’s authority. It is God’s pleasure to turn evil to good, but we are warned that we should not do evil even to have good come of it. That is putting the Lord to the test. It is daring God.

Most of all, I would encourage you to persevere for the sake of your husband, your children, and yourself. The Bible says that the submissive wife can win her husband without a word (1 Peter 3); that the Holy Spirit honors your courage in the face of sin and pain. God will use this for the benefit of all who are faithful, even though we cannot always see that far ahead.

Do not lose hope, and do not listen to those who would whisper sweet talk of rebellion. Their hearts rejoice in destruction and though they deny it they are giddy at the thought of your husband going to Hell.

I do not know you, but I have prayed for you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You can’t control your husband’s behavior, you can only decide how you’ll respond to it. If he decides on his own that he wants to be a good, faithful, husband, he will be. If he doesn’t, he will keep doing things like this.

What are your boundaries? Will you continue to live in a home where you’re treated like this by your husband? Will you continue to have sex with a husband who does this to you? Do you want to avoid having more children until your husband turns himself around? Do you want him on a private computer? I’m not telling you where to draw your lines, only you can do that. I don’t know you, your husband, or your marriage. But you should take some time to seek advice from a priest and/or someone else you trust whose advice you respect, pray, think, reminisce, come to terms with your feelings, etc.

Once you’ve determined what you will do and where you will go from here, you need to gently and calmly inform your husband. No threats, no ultimatums, just a calm explanation of the consequences that his infidelity is having, and will continue to have, on you, your marriage, and your family.

I really think that your response to this should be different based on whether or not you think he actually wants to change. Again, I don’t know you or him, so I can’t say. But if you see that he is really hurt over this and really trying, then that warrants a far different reaction than a man who strings you along with false apologies just so he can continue to have his cake and eat it.

 

[ElleDub]

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I need prayers more than anything.

I do believe he is sincere. I know he believes in God and knows this is wrong. He says he hates it but is continually turning to it. Maybe that is addiction… I don’t know. In every other way, he is a loving spouse and good father. That is why I just can’t understand.

I don’t know where things went wrong. He said it has been a problem since he was a teen with online videos. He is deeply ashamed and feels such guilt. He said he feels he can’t go go Mass at all because he feels so guilty. So it seems like a terrible cycle: he falls but doesn’t feel worthy of God’s love and forgiveness, so avoided Mass. Then lacks actual grace to live a Christian life. And now it is at the point where he doubts Catholic teaching on sexuality completely.

Cackles, you have me at a loss for how to respond. No, we are not doing “a”. But i have brought him to that point and used “withdrawal.” From what I understand from the Catechism, that is mortal sin. I converted on my own to Catholicism in college, based on apostolic authority and church history. I believe it is an all or nothing deal. If I start picking and choosing what I want to believe, that’s just not intellectually honest. I don’t want to be my own Pope.

I understand what my priest recommended (allow him to use condoms) and have followed that advice for fear that he would turn to this sin again. I know condoms are also a mortal sin and the thought of my husband going to hell tortures me. I feel guilty for being part of it. I know I am innocent of this choice, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for him thst are horrible. I love him and want him in a state of grace.

Again, thank you for the prayers. He for the very first time actually made an appointment with a CATHOLIC psychologist. Insurance won’t cover this person but I told him I dont care. We will find a way to pay. I will start praying the Rosary again each evening for his faith, and invite him to join if he wants to. I will ask him to go to confession and daily Mass. That’s what helped me through a spiritual dry spell a few years ago.

Thank you again. Please remember him in your prayers. I do think he is a good man, but troubled and in pain.

 

[qui_est_ce]

[snip]
I don’t know where things went wrong. He said it has been a problem since he was a teen with online videos. He is deeply ashamed and feels such guilt. He said he feels he can’t go go Mass at all because he feels so guilty. So it seems like a terrible cycle: he falls but doesn’t feel worthy of God’s love and forgiveness, so avoided Mass. Then lacks actual grace to live a Christian life. And now it is at the point where he doubts Catholic teaching on sexuality completely.

Despair and doubt, these are the Devil’s lies. God has great mercy and forgives those who ask for forgiveness.

 

[Xantippe]

ElleDub

I want to encourage you. If what you have said is true, then you are doing the right thing! Your husband is blessed to have a wife that submits to him, and you are blessed to have a priest who have given you such good and freeing counsel; that he upheld both our Lord’s command to submit to our authorities, and also held you blameless for your husband’s sins.

Talk to your priest again, but I think you unnecessarily punish yourself to abstain from the Eucharist. If you sin, confess it, and accept the forgiveness that is extended to all of us.

Have patience with your husband, and continue to respond to him with kindness. Do not listen to those who urge you to sin and usurp your husband’s authority. It is God’s pleasure to turn evil to good, but we are warned that we should not do evil even to have good come of it. That is putting the Lord to the test. It is daring God.

Most of all, I would encourage you to persevere for the sake of your husband, your children, and yourself. The Bible says that the submissive wife can win her husband without a word (1 Peter 3); that the Holy Spirit honors your courage in the face of sin and pain. God will use this for the benefit of all who are faithful, even though we cannot always see that far ahead.

Do not lose hope, and do not listen to those who would whisper sweet talk of rebellion. Their hearts rejoice in destruction and though they deny it they are giddy at the thought of your husband going to Hell.

I do not know you, but I have prayed for you.

Is there anything a husband could tell a wife to do that you wouldn’t tell her to comply with?

Legitimate authorities do not have the right to order us to sin and we do not have the right to obey them if they tell us to sin. If we obey authorities that are telling us to sin, we are committing sins ourselves. Hence, if a Roman official ordered a Christian to worship the Roman emperor, the Christian would be sinning if he complied. Or if a Nazi officer ordered a soldier to commit atrocities, the soldier would be sinning if he complied.

A wife is in the same situation as the Christian or the soldier in those examples–she should comply with reasonable requests (render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s), but she is not obligated to sin just because her husband tells her to. (The priest’s advice here to not refuse intercourse when the husband insists on a condom is standard pastoral advice. If the husband were demanding that she get an IUD or do some other birth control method that required more cooperation from her, the answer would be NO)

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I need prayers more than anything.

I do believe he is sincere. I know he believes in God and knows this is wrong. He says he hates it but is continually turning to it. Maybe that is addiction… I don’t know. In every other way, he is a loving spouse and good father. That is why I just can’t understand.

I don’t know where things went wrong. He said it has been a problem since he was a teen with online videos. He is deeply ashamed and feels such guilt. He said he feels he can’t go go Mass at all because he feels so guilty. So it seems like a terrible cycle: he falls but doesn’t feel worthy of God’s love and forgiveness, so avoided Mass. Then lacks actual grace to live a Christian life. And now it is at the point where he doubts Catholic teaching on sexuality completely.

Cackles, you have me at a loss for how to respond. No, we are not doing “a”. But i have brought him to that point and used “withdrawal.” From what I understand from the Catechism, that is mortal sin. I converted on my own to Catholicism in college, based on apostolic authority and church history. I believe it is an all or nothing deal. If I start picking and choosing what I want to believe, that’s just not intellectually honest. I don’t want to be my own Pope.

I understand what my priest recommended (allow him to use condoms) and have followed that advice for fear that he would turn to this sin again. I know condoms are also a mortal sin and the thought of my husband going to hell tortures me. I feel guilty for being part of it. I know I am innocent of this choice, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for him thst are horrible. I love him and want him in a state of grace.

Again, thank you for the prayers. He for the very first time actually made an appointment with a CATHOLIC psychologist. Insurance won’t cover this person but I told him I dont care. We will find a way to pay. I will start praying the Rosary again each evening for his faith, and invite him to join if he wants to. I will ask him to go to confession and daily Mass. That’s what helped me through a spiritual dry spell a few years ago.

Thank you again. Please remember him in your prayers. I do think he is a good man, but troubled and in pain.

I’m very glad to hear he’s going to go to a Catholic psychologist.

 

[CaneCaldo]

ElleDub

“He for the very first time actually made an appointment with a CATHOLIC psychologist.”

Your forbearance may already be proving itself good. Excellent!

========================

Xantippe,

You asked: “Is there anything a husband could tell a wife to do that you wouldn’t tell her to comply with?”

With 3,504 posts in under two years, surely you have all the fodder you need.

 

[SerbCath]

ElleDub

I want to encourage you. If what you have said is true, then you are doing the right thing! Your husband is blessed to have a wife that submits to him, and you are blessed to have a priest who have given you such good and freeing counsel; that he upheld both our Lord’s command to submit to our authorities, and also held you blameless for your husband’s sins.

Talk to your priest again, but I think you unnecessarily punish yourself to abstain from the Eucharist. If you sin, confess it, and accept the forgiveness that is extended to all of us.

Have patience with your husband, and continue to respond to him with kindness. Do not listen to those who urge you to sin and usurp your husband’s authority. It is God’s pleasure to turn evil to good, but we are warned that we should not do evil even to have good come of it. That is putting the Lord to the test. It is daring God.

Most of all, I would encourage you to persevere for the sake of your husband, your children, and yourself. The Bible says that the submissive wife can win her husband without a word (1 Peter 3); that the Holy Spirit honors your courage in the face of sin and pain. God will use this for the benefit of all who are faithful, even though we cannot always see that far ahead.

Do not lose hope, and do not listen to those who would whisper sweet talk of rebellion. Their hearts rejoice in destruction and though they deny it they are giddy at the thought of your husband going to Hell.

I do not know you, but I have prayed for you.

It is truly miraculous what a woman can do following the instruction in 1PET3. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

 

[pnewton]

I do believe he is sincere. I know he believes in God and knows this is wrong. He says he hates it but is continually turning to it. Maybe that is addiction.

That is the nature of addiction. Instead of fighting over this issue, you could help. There are numerous programs out there. Catholic Answers recommends something called Covenant Eyes. They also have a lot of chastity resources. My family uses Qustodio. It too works well, if the password is unknown and the connected email address is also unknown. It is not 100%, but it is close to it.

If he wants to stop, you have half the battle won. The other half, like alcoholism, may be life long. There is only one thing better than a strong friend that he can turn to hold him accountable, that is a strong and understanding wife.

Oh, and strong passwords.

 

[KonstantinS]

Stay with it. I am a recovering porn addict and have very severely grieved the Holy Spirit by how I’ve lived, but I’ll keep fighting and won’t give up until I achieve sobriety. Maybe he’s in the same position?

Marriage is a lifelong thing, I wouldn’t divorce over something like this. It’s serious, but if he’s truly committed to changing…

Sounds like counseling would be a marvel.