He wants to go to church with me again

[Kathrin]

I am the one who started the thread “when someone is in love with you”. For those who haven’t read it: I am friends with a guy who has started wanting “more”; and I made clear to him I didn’t. He is a Protestant and we have visited each other’s churches.

He just e-mailed me asking about coming to church with me again this weekend. I am kind of struggling now because on the one hand, I do not want to “date” him (and he has admitted he would not come to the Catholic church here if it wasn’t for me) and give him the impression I am still interested.
On the other hand, if I say no, he will probably not go to church at all (he hasn’t gone to his in a while either, except the time when I came, which was last week.) So in a way, won’t it be my fault if he doesn’t go to church? Kind of - maybe it is my fault if he commits a sin?
Again, on the other hand, he has accompanied me to my church twice and I think now if he wants to he should go on his own?

Life is complicated.

Well, I kind of had an excuse for this weekend, because my aunt will be visiting and I will probably go to church with her.
But I feel a little guilty because I WOULD have the means to “make him” go to church… by telling him I wanted to go with him.
But that, again, would give him the wrong impression.

I could pray that he finds somebody else. Or go on his own.

What do you think?

 

[FCEGM]

I am the one who started the thread “when someone is in love with you”. For those who haven’t read it: I am friends with a guy who has started wanting “more”; and I made clear to him I didn’t. He is a Protestant and we have visited each other’s churches.

He just e-mailed me asking about coming to church with me again this weekend. I am kind of struggling now because on the one hand, I do not want to “date” him (and he has admitted he would not come to the Catholic church here if it wasn’t for me) and give him the impression I am still interested.
On the other hand, if I say no, he will probably not go to church at all (he hasn’t gone to his in a while either, except the time when I came, which was last week.) So in a way, won’t it be my fault if he doesn’t go to church? Kind of - maybe it is my fault if he commits a sin?
Again, on the other hand, he has accompanied me to my church twice and I think now if he wants to he should go on his own?

Life is complicated.

Well, I kind of had an excuse for this weekend, because my aunt will be visiting and I will probably go to church with her.
But I feel a little guilty because I WOULD have the means to “make him” go to church… by telling him I wanted to go with him.
But that, again, would give him the wrong impression.

I could pray that he finds somebody else. Or go on his own.

What do you think?

Kathrin, it sounds to me as if he is using this as a means of being with you again since he obviously knows this is important to you; his intent doesn’t seem to arise from a desire to worship.

Stick to your guns!

 

[duskyjewel]

From your other thread and this one, it seems to me you are taking on WAY too much responsibility for this person.

His spiritual journey is his to go on, not yours to take him on. It’s not your job to get him to church, it’s his job to go if he wants to and feels the need.

When my husband and I got serious, I asked him how important it was to him to get married in the Church. He made it clear that he would not get married except in the Catholic Church. (I was a teenage lapsed/parentally thwarted Catholic at that point.) He never made an effort to get me to go to Mass with him, he never really even asked me. I made that decision on my own, because he was that important to me. And his family made me welcome when I showed up. But they never put any expectations on me. Probably because they realized that force or bribery was useless, and that that wouldn’t be me truly going of my own will because I was truly seeking. And why would they want me faking it just to get to their son? Why would my then-boyfriend have wanted me to be faking it just to get on his good side? He made his moral conviction clear, but then left me to my own choice. And, though I know it would have been extremely painful for him, he would have let me go rather than force it. He had already learned the hard way what happens when you don’t live your own moral convictions.

I know your intention is to avoid dating this person. The point of my story is to show that even people who are in love and extremely attached to each other cannot force the faith issue. We can’t take responsibility for someone else’s faith journey. Much less can someone who is only a friend or acquaintance take any responsibility for something so internal and personal as someone else’s faith.

You can be a good example, but he has to choose on his own whether to follow, and he has to do that for his own relationship with God, not his relationship with you.

 

[Catholig]

I am the one who started the thread “when someone is in love with you”. For those who haven’t read it: I am friends with a guy who has started wanting “more”; and I made clear to him I didn’t. He is a Protestant and we have visited each other’s churches.

He just e-mailed me asking about coming to church with me again this weekend. I am kind of struggling now because on the one hand, I do not want to “date” him (and he has admitted he would not come to the Catholic church here if it wasn’t for me) and give him the impression I am still interested.
On the other hand, if I say no, he will probably not go to church at all (he hasn’t gone to his in a while either, except the time when I came, which was last week.) So in a way, won’t it be my fault if he doesn’t go to church? Kind of - maybe it is my fault if he commits a sin?
Again, on the other hand, he has accompanied me to my church twice and I think now if he wants to he should go on his own?

Life is complicated.

Well, I kind of had an excuse for this weekend, because my aunt will be visiting and I will probably go to church with her.
But I feel a little guilty because I WOULD have the means to “make him” go to church… by telling him I wanted to go with him.
But that, again, would give him the wrong impression.

I could pray that he finds somebody else. Or go on his own.

What do you think?

Kathrin, you don’t HAVE to take him to church. Just disassociate yourself from him.

And also if he’s not a baptised catholic I don’t think it’d be a sin for him not to go to Church.

Catholig

 

[1ke]

So in a way, won’t it be my fault if he doesn’t go to church?

No, it will in no way be your fault if he does not go to Church on Sunday. He has free will.

Kind of - maybe it is my fault if he commits a sin?

No.

Life is complicated.

Only as complicated as you make it.

What do you think?

I think you are expending WAY too much energy on this.

 

[Kathrin]

Hey, thanks, guys. For giving me some perspective.

I tend to obsess about things sometimes.


Kathrin

 

[Malcolm_McLean]

I am the one who started the thread “when someone is in love with you”. For those who haven’t read it: I am friends with a guy who has started wanting “more”; and I made clear to him I didn’t. He is a Protestant and we have visited each other’s churches.

He just e-mailed me asking about coming to church with me again this weekend. I am kind of struggling now because on the one hand, I do not want to “date” him (and he has admitted he would not come to the Catholic church here if it wasn’t for me) and give him the impression I am still interested.

The Church is very clear. You may not have sexual intercourse with anyone to whom you are not married. If this man is at all normal, and you are genuine, then he will respect that. He wants to get close to you, he may at some point offer marriage, and that is the time when the problem of what to do will come.

It is rare for men and women to be friends for any length of time before one of the other wants a sexual relationship. Sometimes if you are clearly not interested in someone it is best to dissociate yourself from them, but there is no pressing reason to do this, unless, sadly, the other person is so damaged that they represent an actual danger.
The fact you have to ask what to do suggests to me that your feelings are a bit ambivalent. There is nothing unusual in that. Nor is there any reason you have to decide anything. Just remember that being a boyfriend gives a man zero status, and zero rights, just as it gives you zero rights to prevent him from taking up with another girl.

 

[zemi]

No, it will in no way be your fault if he does not go to Church on Sunday. He has free will.

No.

Only as complicated as you make it.

I think you are expending WAY too much energy on this.

100 % agreed, Kathrin

 

[johntkd]

I am the one who started the thread “when someone is in love with you”. For those who haven’t read it: I am friends with a guy who has started wanting “more”; and I made clear to him I didn’t. He is a Protestant and we have visited each other’s churches.

He just e-mailed me asking about coming to church with me again this weekend. I am kind of struggling now because on the one hand, I do not want to “date” him (and he has admitted he would not come to the Catholic church here if it wasn’t for me) and give him the impression I am still interested.
On the other hand, if I say no, he will probably not go to church at all (he hasn’t gone to his in a while either, except the time when I came, which was last week.) So in a way, won’t it be my fault if he doesn’t go to church? Kind of - maybe it is my fault if he commits a sin?
Again, on the other hand, he has accompanied me to my church twice and I think now if he wants to he should go on his own?

Life is complicated.

Well, I kind of had an excuse for this weekend, because my aunt will be visiting and I will probably go to church with her.
But I feel a little guilty because I WOULD have the means to “make him” go to church… by telling him I wanted to go with him.
But that, again, would give him the wrong impression.

I could pray that he finds somebody else. Or go on his own.

What do you think?

As the old saying goes you can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink. I was a man whom only went to church with my GF whom later turned into my fiance, we ended up joining the church together, right now we have gone our separate ways ( long story no relevance except I am still very much in love with her)
anyways I do not go to church as often now ( matter of fact its been a while but it dont have anything to do with not being with the person I love, its more I am trying to get my life straight, I have made a big move, long hours at work etc etc all ****** excuses and not being used for an excuse but everything combined just has me utterly exhausted, I attended church with or without my fiance when we were still together…

anyways to make a long story short you HAVE shown him and cannot be responsible if he dont now follow thru.
dont let anyone try to blame you if he dont pursue

good luck